YSaC, Vol. 1748: Bricks are Heavy

2014 August 27

free crap!!


Moving and have plenty of stuff we no longer need.
Kitchen table….made of lovely wood like substance…has stains and scratches
Eight toaster ovens
Three foot tall green glass duck, head is broken off, currently has a smaller wooden duck mounted in its place
Old potting soil
Broken Microwave oven (Kenmore brand, very good quality, lasted many years before it died)
Large pile of old clothes.
Canned Goods…most expired.
Diapers
First aid kit
At home std test kits (at least a dozen)
Bricks
Front seat from a honda (large cigarette burn)

too many more items to list
All items are in the middle of ### road, near ###. Im sure they wont last long

OK folks – today’s homework assignment is to design a Rube Goldberg machine using all of these items. It should accomplish a very simple task in a needlessly complex way. But please hurry – either the potting soil or the duck is starting to smell funny.

Thanks for the post, Matty!

32 Responses leave one →
  1. 2014 August 27
    CapnMac permalink

    [Reads list; considers assignment; falls over]

    Adores: 3
  2. 2014 August 27

    On the twelfth day of Craigsmas, ol’ Sparky gave to me
    Twelve home clap test kits,
    Eleven vintage canned goods,
    Ten pre-owned diapers,
    Nine piles of old clothes,
    Eight toaster ovens,
    Seven pints of plant soil,
    Six broken ovens,
    Five loose-stacked bricks,
    Four wood-like substances,
    Three smashed ducks,
    Two first-aid kits,
    And a front seat from a Honda.

    Adores: 21
  3. 2014 August 27
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Sparky has bricks
    and she’s falling slowly
    drowning in toaster ovens
    old potting soil and dirty diapers
    Sparky has std kits
    and she’s falling slowly
    drowning in old clothes
    botulism and tons of Crap
    The first aid kit
    couldn’t save her from the clap

    Adores: 3
  4. 2014 August 27
    kelli permalink

    Why would you have more than a dozen STD tests? I don’t even care what else is on the list, I’m not going near anything this sparky has touched.

    Adores: 8
    • 2014 August 27
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      I’m pretty sure that Honda front seat bears some culpability.

      Adores: 4
    • 2014 August 27
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      I’ve heard that if you lightly crisp the affected part in a series of 8 toaster ovens, it will clear it right up.

      No, wait, I haven’t actually heard that. It must have been a dream.

      Adores: 3
  5. 2014 August 27
    kelli permalink

    I’m mildly concerned that Sparks did not mention if the diapers had been used considering the title of his post.

    Adores: 8
  6. 2014 August 27
    meeshybee permalink

    So Sparky’s plan is obviously to get some “pre-loved” car parts with this refuse since it’s “in the middle of #### road”.

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 August 27
      Windrose permalink

      His/her theme somg is: Why don’t we do it in the road?

      Adores: 1
  7. 2014 August 27

    Why does anyone have 8 toaster ovens? Did they go on a bank account opening spree in the 70′s?

    Adores: 10
    • 2014 August 27
      kelli permalink

      He just kept getting married.

      Adores: 12
      • 2014 August 27
        nojazzhere permalink

        And hopefully divorced in between….

        Adores: 4
        • 2014 August 27
          Windrose permalink

          Wait, was this in Utah?

          Adores: 3
        • 2014 August 27
          Windrose permalink

          (I can safely make that comment knowing Eclectic Mama isn’t around these days)

          Adores: 2
    • 2014 August 27
      capnmac permalink

      I picture them stacked, like defunct tv’s, in a precarious fashion.

      Adores: 4
  8. 2014 August 27
    HamCan permalink

    free crap!!

    Every morning, like clockwork…

    Adores: 9
  9. 2014 August 27
    Ralph permalink

    You got yer
    Free crap in the middle of the road
    Free crap in the middle of the road
    You got yer free crap in the middle of the road
    Stinkin’ to high Heaven!

    Yeah you got yer old pot and you got yer diapers and clothes
    On a moonlight night you got yer kitchen disposed
    Got yer med kits and yer broken bricks
    The table and the seat just need a minor fix!

    Free crap in the middle of the road
    Free crap in the middle of the road
    You got yer free crap in the middle of the road
    Stinkin’ to high Heaven!

    That’s the problem with ducks — too much crap. Whya no chicken?

    Adores: 8
  10. 2014 August 27
    Tigprincess permalink

    I am praising Clothespin Jebus that there were no photos of this ‘free crap’.
    Also wondering how long before the highway police come to find out who dumped on the road.

    Adores: 3
  11. 2014 August 27
    Windrose permalink

    Place table on short edge, so it stands up tall. Place the toaster ovens in stacks of four, then three, then two, then one. Lay the bricks four across the long way with an std test kit in between the two middle ones and the outside ones, creating as alley. Lay the microwave on its back. Rip the door off the microwave and put the potting soil in it. Lay the Honda seat flat on the toaster ovens, with the old clothes stuck in under it for to make it stable. Arrange canned goods from oldest to newest down the edges of the bricks, just outside the std kits. Put the diapers on the duck’s butt, and roll that sucker down the seat. The goal is to have the neck of the duck land in the potting soil, leaving a hole where you can plant the first aid kit. Ta-Da!

    Adores: 10
    • 2014 August 27
      nojazzhere permalink

      I like a (wo-) man with a plan!!!

      Adores: 2
    • 2014 August 27
      Meg permalink

      You just described last year’s Beesmas yard decorations.

      Adores: 2
      • 2014 August 27
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Well, minus the llama-fur trim on the duck.

        Adores: 2
        • 2014 August 27
          Windrose permalink

          I knew I was forgetting something! Now, where would I find llama-fur in the Snark Lounge?

          Adores: 1
        • 2014 August 27
          MissMommyNiceNice permalink

          Surely we can do something with all these empty beveraging bottles?
          Wind chimes created with a knot of electronics cords?

          Adores: 2
  12. 2014 August 27
    limelolly permalink

    Guess my ex didn’t like his half of the property settlement. Ingrate.

    Adores: 11
  13. 2014 August 27
    Wraith permalink

    So, this listing delivers on its promise of free “crap,” but I have some questions about the duck.

    “Three foot tall green glass duck, head is broken off, currently has a smaller wooden duck mounted in its place”

    - Was the green glass duck three feet tall before its head was broken off? Or is it three feet tall at the neck? Potential buyers need to know.
    - There is a smaller wooden duck, mounted in place of the green glass duck’s missing head? So this is a duck with a duck for a head?
    - What happened to the original green glass duck head? Was it smashed to bits when it broke off? Was it fashioned into an elegant cane?

    Adores: 5
    • 2014 August 27
      capnmac permalink

      Given that these ads are written by sparkii, a cohort of senselessly wasting oxygen by oxidizing carbon, a group which spells “armoire” as “armwar,” “ottoman” as “audoman” and the like, the possible things that a “duck” might be “in real life” as it were are beyond imagining.

      My considered guess is that this is/was a framed item with a glass etching of a duck upon it, now replaced with some wooden simulacrum, and not a piece of statuary.

      However, given that this list reads like the accumulation of a kleptomaniacal hoarder with both ADD and OCD, again, anything is possible.

      (In fact, the only assertion that can be positively affirmed is that this Duck is not Fury’s daughter [I'm not getting turned into a newt again].)

      Adores: 3
      • 2014 August 27
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        You forgot your [corey] tags, cap’n.

        Adores: 0
  14. 2014 August 27
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    How much for just the fractal duck?

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 August 27
      Meg permalink

      Fractal Duck is my Yardbirds cover band.

      Adores: 5
      • 2014 August 27
        Windrose permalink

        But is it an Irregular Fractal Duck? Expiring Minds want to know.

        Adores: 3
        • 2014 August 27
          capnmac permalink

          As long as it is not an irrational duck with a broken microwave . . .

          F(x)-> i * duck + MW(b) =/= 0/0

          Adores: 0

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