You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 1748: Bricks are Heavy

Written by

dan

in

free crap!!

Moving and have plenty of stuff we no longer need.
Kitchen table….made of lovely wood like substance…has stains and scratches
Eight toaster ovens
Three foot tall green glass duck, head is broken off, currently has a smaller wooden duck mounted in its place
Old potting soil
Broken Microwave oven (Kenmore brand, very good quality, lasted many years before it died)
Large pile of old clothes.
Canned Goods…most expired.
Diapers
First aid kit
At home std test kits (at least a dozen)
Bricks
Front seat from a honda (large cigarette burn)

too many more items to list
All items are in the middle of ### road, near ###. Im sure they wont last long

OK folks – today’s homework assignment is to design a Rube Goldberg machine using all of these items. It should accomplish a very simple task in a needlessly complex way. But please hurry – either the potting soil or the duck is starting to smell funny.

Thanks for the post, Matty!

Comments

32 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 1748: Bricks are Heavy”

  1. CapnMac Avatar
    CapnMac

    [Reads list; considers assignment; falls over]

  2. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
    Dave and Ferret Tribe

    On the twelfth day of Craigsmas, ol’ Sparky gave to me
    Twelve home clap test kits,
    Eleven vintage canned goods,
    Ten pre-owned diapers,
    Nine piles of old clothes,
    Eight toaster ovens,
    Seven pints of plant soil,
    Six broken ovens,
    Five loose-stacked bricks,
    Four wood-like substances,
    Three smashed ducks,
    Two first-aid kits,
    And a front seat from a Honda.

  3. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    Sparky has bricks
    and she’s falling slowly
    drowning in toaster ovens
    old potting soil and dirty diapers
    Sparky has std kits
    and she’s falling slowly
    drowning in old clothes
    botulism and tons of Crap
    The first aid kit
    couldn’t save her from the clap

  4. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    Why would you have more than a dozen STD tests? I don’t even care what else is on the list, I’m not going near anything this sparky has touched.

    1. Irregular Fractal Avatar
      Irregular Fractal

      I’m pretty sure that Honda front seat bears some culpability.

    2. Demon Duck of Doom Avatar
      Demon Duck of Doom

      I’ve heard that if you lightly crisp the affected part in a series of 8 toaster ovens, it will clear it right up.

      No, wait, I haven’t actually heard that. It must have been a dream.

  5. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    I’m mildly concerned that Sparks did not mention if the diapers had been used considering the title of his post.

  6. meeshybee Avatar
    meeshybee

    So Sparky’s plan is obviously to get some “pre-loved” car parts with this refuse since it’s “in the middle of #### road”.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      His/her theme somg is: Why don’t we do it in the road?

  7. C"From Behind.....Suddenly"J Avatar
    C”From Behind…..Suddenly”J

    Why does anyone have 8 toaster ovens? Did they go on a bank account opening spree in the 70’s?

    1. kelli Avatar
      kelli

      He just kept getting married.

      1. nojazzhere Avatar
        nojazzhere

        And hopefully divorced in between….

        1. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          Wait, was this in Utah?

        2. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          (I can safely make that comment knowing Eclectic Mama isn’t around these days)

    2. capnmac Avatar
      capnmac

      I picture them stacked, like defunct tv’s, in a precarious fashion.

  8. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    free crap!!

    Every morning, like clockwork…

  9. Ralph Avatar
    Ralph

    You got yer
    Free crap in the middle of the road
    Free crap in the middle of the road
    You got yer free crap in the middle of the road
    Stinkin’ to high Heaven!

    Yeah you got yer old pot and you got yer diapers and clothes
    On a moonlight night you got yer kitchen disposed
    Got yer med kits and yer broken bricks
    The table and the seat just need a minor fix!

    Free crap in the middle of the road
    Free crap in the middle of the road
    You got yer free crap in the middle of the road
    Stinkin’ to high Heaven!

    That’s the problem with ducks — too much crap. Whya no chicken?

  10. Tigprincess Avatar
    Tigprincess

    I am praising Clothespin Jebus that there were no photos of this ‘free crap’.
    Also wondering how long before the highway police come to find out who dumped on the road.

  11. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Place table on short edge, so it stands up tall. Place the toaster ovens in stacks of four, then three, then two, then one. Lay the bricks four across the long way with an std test kit in between the two middle ones and the outside ones, creating as alley. Lay the microwave on its back. Rip the door off the microwave and put the potting soil in it. Lay the Honda seat flat on the toaster ovens, with the old clothes stuck in under it for to make it stable. Arrange canned goods from oldest to newest down the edges of the bricks, just outside the std kits. Put the diapers on the duck’s butt, and roll that sucker down the seat. The goal is to have the neck of the duck land in the potting soil, leaving a hole where you can plant the first aid kit. Ta-Da!

    1. nojazzhere Avatar
      nojazzhere

      I like a (wo-) man with a plan!!!

    2. Meg Avatar
      Meg

      You just described last year’s Beesmas yard decorations.

      1. Irregular Fractal Avatar
        Irregular Fractal

        Well, minus the llama-fur trim on the duck.

        1. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          I knew I was forgetting something! Now, where would I find llama-fur in the Snark Lounge?

        2. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
          MissMommyNiceNice

          Surely we can do something with all these empty beveraging bottles?
          Wind chimes created with a knot of electronics cords?

  12. limelolly Avatar
    limelolly

    Guess my ex didn’t like his half of the property settlement. Ingrate.

  13. Wraith Avatar
    Wraith

    So, this listing delivers on its promise of free “crap,” but I have some questions about the duck.

    “Three foot tall green glass duck, head is broken off, currently has a smaller wooden duck mounted in its place”

    – Was the green glass duck three feet tall before its head was broken off? Or is it three feet tall at the neck? Potential buyers need to know.
    – There is a smaller wooden duck, mounted in place of the green glass duck’s missing head? So this is a duck with a duck for a head?
    – What happened to the original green glass duck head? Was it smashed to bits when it broke off? Was it fashioned into an elegant cane?

    1. capnmac Avatar
      capnmac

      Given that these ads are written by sparkii, a cohort of senselessly wasting oxygen by oxidizing carbon, a group which spells “armoire” as “armwar,” “ottoman” as “audoman” and the like, the possible things that a “duck” might be “in real life” as it were are beyond imagining.

      My considered guess is that this is/was a framed item with a glass etching of a duck upon it, now replaced with some wooden simulacrum, and not a piece of statuary.

      However, given that this list reads like the accumulation of a kleptomaniacal hoarder with both ADD and OCD, again, anything is possible.

      (In fact, the only assertion that can be positively affirmed is that this Duck is not Fury’s daughter [I’m not getting turned into a newt again].)

      1. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
        MissMommyNiceNice

        You forgot your [corey] tags, cap’n.

  14. Demon Duck of Doom Avatar
    Demon Duck of Doom

    How much for just the fractal duck?

    1. Meg Avatar
      Meg

      Fractal Duck is my Yardbirds cover band.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        But is it an Irregular Fractal Duck? Expiring Minds want to know.

        1. capnmac Avatar
          capnmac

          As long as it is not an irrational duck with a broken microwave . . .

          F(x)-> i * duck + MW(b) =/= 0/0

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