You Suck at Craigslist

Category: furniture

  • YSaC, Vol. XCVII

    For the love of all that is holy, people, it’s spelled dining. You have a dining room table for sale, not a dinning room table. Yes, you may have dinner, but when you have dinner, you are dining. In the dining room. On your dining table. You dine with others, you don’t dinn with them.

    I couldn’t possibly post all of the offenders, but to illustrate my point, here’s a selection from the furniture listings from a large metropolitan area from just one day.

    Oct 20 – Dinning Room Table – $100
    Oct 20 – ITALIAN DINNING ROOM SET WITH MATCHING GRAND FATHER CLOCK – $99
    Oct 20 – DINNING SET AND ENTERTAINMENT CENTER – $600
    Oct 20 – Room With A View Dinning Table and Eight Chairs – $3000
    Oct 20 – Dinning table – $100
    Oct 20 – dinning table and 4 chairs – $150
    Oct 20 – IKEA Dinning table + 4 chairs – $40
    Oct 20 – wood dinning table wirh 2 chairs and a bench – $75
    Oct 20 – Dinning Table w/ leaf insert – $100
    Oct 20 – Dinning Table / Bed, Dresser – $300
    Oct 20 – Dinning table with four chairs in black color – $70
    Oct 20 – **Moving Sale** Formal Dinning Room (Cherry Wood) – $995
    Oct 20 – queen bed, side table, dinning room table w/ 4 chairs & full size sofa – $1000
    Oct 20 – Antique oak dinning room table
    Oct 20 – Dinning table Bristol table – $100
    Oct 20 – Wood Dinning Table & 4 Chairs – $100
    Oct 20 – Dinning Room Set – $300
    Oct 20 – Dinning set Six chairs / Priced to move and very fancy!!! – $300
    Oct 20 – dinning room table and chairs – $300
    Oct 20 – Pecan dinning room set – $850
    Oct 20 – MUST SELL ASAP COUCHES,DINNING SET,PICTURES, CHASE LOUNGES – $400
    Oct 20 – 7pcs dinning room set – $999
    Oct 20 – Dinning room set& Buffet or best offer – $2100
    Oct 20 – Oak Dinning Table with six chairs – $200

    And I have to include this one even though it’s not from the 20th, because they go the extra mile:

    Oct 19 – For sale Dinnning table with two charis And Love seat – $140

    That’s right, folks, this dinning table has three n’s, not just two. It’s extra-n-tastic. They added the extra n in the middle like you’d add the extra leaf to the dinning table when the whole family comes over for Thanksgiving.  Although if they only have two charis, grandma’s going to have to sit on the floor.

    I’m also fond of the CHASE LOUNGES. In my head there’s a stop-motion animation of two chaise lounges pursuing each other around a large room. (It’s a great movie. I wish you could see it.)

    Maybe grandma could sit on the chase lounge while she eats at the dinnning table. If we could just get it to sit still long enough …

  • YSaC, Vol. XCII

    Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet – £1000000 (pacific coast)

    -DA VINCI NIRVANA CABINET-(Leonardo da Vinci used pattern recognition to come up with new ideas. In, A Way of Stimulating and Arousing the Mind to Various Inventions, Leonardo advised himself and others to “look at a wall spotted with stains, or with a mixture of different kinds of stones; if you have to invent some scene, you may discover a similarity with different kinds of landscapes, embellished with mountains, rivers, rocks, trees, plains, wide valleys and hills in a varied arrangement: or, again, you may see battles and figures in action or strange faces and costumes, and an endless variety of objects which you could reduce to complete and well-drawn forms.” So pay attention to the master and see what is in this cabinet’s woodgrain.)
    So you’ve seen the Da Vinci Code Miracle Door, the completely coincidental trinity of figures appearing in the woodgrain of my cabinet door. Now it’s time to see the rest of the story: The opposite door which makes up The Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet! So you’ve seen the door on the right with the Sign of the grail(a V) above the headless nude woman (the disempowered Magdalene)which has the shape of a fish (in some forms, the Christ sign)in what could be the sun (though dark). SO now to add another chapter to this story, the DOOR ON THE LEFT: The Da Vinci Nirvana Door. Now to look at this door we will rotate it so that the left side becomes the top. Now you can see if you’ll look closely, a rising out of the woodgrain on the right side ( above what looks a little like the start of a fleur-de-lis on it’s side) that becomes a round circle of lines radiating outward. From this the lines widen out and on the left side they take on the shape of a mushroom. This is important and what comes next is even more so. The next line breaks the mushroom mold and forms a nose over a neck and chin making a face looking upward to the heavens. YOW! Then in the next line radiating out from it, the face’s mouth is agape with awe and wonderment at what it has beheld and in the following lines the face is absorbed into the universe at one with everything. Knowing all things and making only those ripples in the ocean of creation that serves all and destroys only that which wants to be destroyed and be transformed because it is time. SO to sum up: The Da Vinci Nirvana Door shows us the start of an insular self-centered mushroom-like (kept in the dark and fed bullshit) existence perceiving that the heavens somehow revolve around it not aware of the careless ripples it makes in the ocean of the universe (with luck it’s universe will be small surrounded by other insular self-centered universes)And then it begins to realize BANG the universe does not revolve around it and ZOW it percieves a woodwork of thought, action, consequence and existence that inspires awe unlike any it had experienced before. And then KABLOOIE it becomes as one with the universe and it’s workings. There ya’ go, a whole ‘nother door to complete the Da Vinci Code Miracle Door/Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet Mega Coincidence, umm…Miracle? AND it’s still only a million dollars or best offer! Not for sale to people who want to use it to start a war or lord it over people for the sake of it. If you buy it and do these things or attempt to do these things, you must return the cabinet to me and no refund will be forthcoming to you and this is a rule of this sale. It is alright though to make peaceful wads of money to be used worhtwhiley off of it though, as long as all subsequent owners understand that Karma will (if not an actual agent of myself) have total and lawful contracted authority to wrest the cabinet away from whomever they are and bitch-slap them back into their mushroom phase of existence. Price : £1,000,000.00 or best offer.

    Up until the point they specified that it wasn’t for sale to people who want to use it to start a war or lord it over other people, I was right there with them — if I had this, I would absolutely lord it over everyone else.

    I’m also wondering what would happen if you got this piece of furniture too close to the flying chair.

    This was posted in the London Craigslist. I didn’t realize England had a coastline on the Pacific. That must just be me, in my insular self-centered universe, not realizing that the ocean of creation has no physical boundaries and that the KABLOOIE can make the Pacific Ocean one with the England universe.

    I think I’m going to have to start a new tag for this one — “trying too hard”. There’s clever, and then there’s trying too hard to be clever.

  • YSaC, Vol. LXXV

    Sofa and Love Seat For Sale – $500

    Sofa and Love seat for sale, no more room for them decent condition, no tears or rips in fabric.

    For sale: One sofa, and one clothing* storage unit. Great for jeans, sweatpants, and t-shirts. Perfect for small spaces: can also be used for seating.

    *Clothing not included.

    Submitted by Laurel — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. LXV

    UNIQUE SCULPTURED DOLPHIN COFFEE TABLE – $1250

    For a discerning buyer or decorator looking for something a little different. Unique and contemporary sculptured coffee table with base of dolphins (momma, papa & baby) swimming together. Free-form thick glass top simulates ocean surface, with two of the dolphins’ fins appearing to break the waters’ surface and sit on top of the glass. Bought this from an upscale waterfront store in Annapolis, Maryland for several thousand dollars a few years ago as I fell in love with it when I saw it featured in their storefront window. Has been pampered and gently used, but looks fantastic. We’re changing decorating themes, so here’s a chance for you to get an expensive piece for a fraction of what I paid.

    For the discerning buyer who would spend $1250 on something that looks like dolphins freezing to death on a polar ice cap. Seriously, the definition of “discerning” with which I am familiar does not involve spending $1250 for something that, as my submitter said, looks like it belongs in the Museum of Overpriced Nautical Cheese.
    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. LVI

    Free Chair

    This is a flying chair. I went many adventures on it. Come take it away have you happy adventures.

    Um. Right. Okay then.

    Actually, I stopped going on “happy adventures” in college after that time I found myself licking the bottom of a bag of Cheetos. But thanks anyway.

  • YSaC, Vol. XLVII

    Matching Antique Side Tables – $100

    Two identical side tables, stamped with “Mersman 7429” on the underside. Mersman was a high-quality furniture manufacturer, and these pieces are a testament to that. There are a few scratches on top, noticeable to the sharp observer, and the legs could use a little cleaning up, but they are in really decent shape overall. I bought them at an antique dealer, but they don’t fit with the height of my other living room furniture, so I need to pass them on to someone else who will enjoy them!

    They are in the colonial revival style, but could easily pass for mid-century modern if you swapped out the hardware.

    25″h x 15.25″w x 22.5″d

    $100, but I am open to other offers – just email me!

    I’m just guessing here, but is there any chance they don’t fit with the height of the rest of your living room furniture because they’re made for a dollhouse? (Yes, that was the original size of the image in the listing.)

    Scratches noticeable to the sharp observer who also happens to have a telescope. Or a microscope. Whichever is funnier.