You Suck at Craigslist

Category: personals

  • YSaC, Vol. 265: Avoid the microwave.

    Read this or perish – 333

    I’ve done this internet dating thing for years now. I’ve mostly dated women in their mid-30’s to low 40’s (I’m talking breast size here, not age). It could be just a coincidence, but these gals all say they want me to play dead so they can drive me around town in the back of a hearse, or else they want to push me around in a baby carriage … yet they exhibit obvious signs of a fear of commitment (to a mental hospital).

    What is up with you gals? I feel like I’m dating 14 year old girls in men’s bodies, with female genitalia, but with men’s back hair … though with the post-menopausal mood swings of 52-year-old women. What gives? Or is it just me?

    I am seeking a woman who sometimes poses as a boy, sometimes as a lady, sometimes as a tree or bush (the kind that can walk, though). Someone with an identity crisis. Someone who finds herself licking postage stamps if only because of the taste. Someone who isn’t afraid to play in the dirt, on the edge of cliffs, or with poisonous snakes that can spit toxic venom across long distances with laser accuracy. Someone who loves life as much as I do (i.e., not very). Someone who loves dogs, especially mine, and has no problem including her “bitch” (if it’s a female dog) on walks, trips to the zoo, excursions to casinos and/or offshore oil wells, etc. — and who doesn’t get jealous of it (it’s happened before!). The kind of person who isn’t phased by a household with no microwave, or a microwave that one casually opens, only to find a human head in it (just hypothetically speaking — I don’t do that kind of thing).

    I want to spend my time with someone who really cares about what they put into their body. I am a fan of trying to eat unprocessed foods, and when I can, I eat organic produce, only to later pig out on the most processed, artificial food possible. Weird, huh?

    Road trips are good fun, and I like to be spontaneous about them. Once I got it on in the bathroom of a greyhound and then wound up getting the clams, but it’s all experience.

    I am looking for something long term. I can’t waste any more of my energy with someone who is not looking for the same, unless they are looking for something short-term, which is also fine.

    Please be 20-35, no children, dogs are ok but we can share mine ’cause he is awesome (and fairly well hung, FWIW). Please be nice, compassionate, honest, in good shape, and attractive. Lepers discouraged but not rejected unconditionally.

    At first glance, this isn’t exactly a Craigslist fail, as it made me laugh myself silly. It’s really more of a Craigslist win, in that regard. This is my favorite part:

    I am looking for something long term. I can’t waste any more of my energy with someone who is not looking for the same, unless they are looking for something short-term, which is also fine.

    If I were single and in this particular Midwestern university town, I would totally think about contacting this guy … and then not do it.

    On second glance, there’s just something a little too strange about it. I’m not sure what it is — maybe it’s his unnatural attachment to his dog. I’ve dated men who are a little too attached to their dog, and I have to say that after that, I draw the line at a guy picking scabs off of his dog IN BED. I think that’s a reasonable place to draw a line, don’t you?

    Anyway, the mere mention of dog penis is also enough to turn my otherwise favorable impression sour. I don’t want to know that about your dog. I don’t even want to know that about you. I can safely say that I have no idea what size penis my cat has. (Then again, that might be because my cat is (a) female and (b) fixed, but still … )

    But the real killer for me is the “licking stamps because you like the taste” bit. NOBODY LIKES THE TASTE OF STAMPS. And by the way — wet paper? BLARGHARGHBLARGHARGHARGH. Wet paper is disgusting. Deliberately licking paper is worse than running your fingernails down a chalkboard while chewing on tinfoil and singing a Beyoncé song. All of those things are individually cringeworthy, but wet paper is worse than all three of those things combined. Stamps are nothing but wet paper with pictures on them. So is acid. I rest my case.

    My point [and I don’t actually have one, mind you] is that at first this ad comes across as all clever and genuine.  Then you start seeing the seedy underbelly, and you realize you’re dealing with a dog-obsessed serial killer who rides Greyhound buses and likes the taste of stamps. And one of those things is just a dealbreaker.

    That’s the Midwest for you.

    This was sent in by Christy — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 263: The real punkers stay at the Hilton.

    Rock clubs – 30

    I am coming to Chicago in Sept, and need to know the Real Rock clubs of Chicago. I do not want the tourists hangouts, or want2b clubs. I am looking for the real down and dirty, kick ass, Lets get drunk and get naked clubs!! I am a metal,glam,PunK, major rager on the 4 strings, who is coming to Chicago, to do a little business during the day, and tear it up at night!! I am staying downtown at the Marriott courtyard, will be in town for three days. So clubs and events around downtown will be helpfull.

    Nothing says “major rager” PunK like the Marriott Courtyard! Rock on, man.

    Also, is it just me, or is that one picture using this bedspread as a backdrop? (A very sexy backdrop, of course, since there’s a liquor bottle and a bass guitar involved. That makes it sexy.)

    And … 30? Really? Really? That’s a tough-looking 30.

    Sent in by Caroline — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 257: I think the desk is a metaphor.

    This was posted in m4w.

    Seeking smart woman for mahogany desk job LTR? – 38

    Career dreamer seeks icy snapper to sharpen my pencils in.
    I would like a partner to plug into my desk.
    I came upon this beauty a few months ago doing a cash side job on the West Side.
    Me and this guy named Sky were moving a prickly little poodle past her orifice,
    when divine intervention manifested destiny!
    We dropped her custom made Italian Mahogany partners desk down a manhole.
    She was married to this classical fellow who built a fortune from an erector set,
    but his eyes fell out and her cats ate them.
    She had to move on. So she’s trained in some kinda cerebella palsy… (powerful stuff),
    and she picks up this desk off Ruby Lane for a couple O G. Well this desk must have had some magic dust in it or something cause she started sucking up more clients then her little cube could handle.
    That’s where me and Sky came in. You tell us “where” and we ask you “why”. Sky came up with that one. Boss wouldn’t paint it on the truck though.
    So we were moving this tricky sweet pony uptown when she goes into a caramel latte slide and completely upsets our feng sway. Down goes the partners desk and the manhole is burping like an alcoholic barber.
    There was crap all over the place, and she wanted our heads. I looked up at Sky and said
    “The custom Italian Mahogany desk has fallin.”
    He just passed over man, like it didn’t even matter. I looked down at that beaded old purse and she was flapping like a wind sock on Mount Washington.
    Took me close to a month to find work again, (due exclusively too the mostly unkind ways in which she remembered us in the police report) but 30 days later I’m under the street sucking sludge for a guy named Demillo- and BOOM, its that desk!
    I hauled my prize back to the storage unit/apartment I rent- and there she sits.
    Its got two holes in it, I just need a partner to fill the other side. If you have a chair that adjusts it would be perfect as she lost a little height in the fall.
    Also- please be a highly educated professional gainfully employed white collar type,
    Cause I cant get the drawers open. There is magic dust in there!

    Well, there you go then. I wish I could say this was an April Fools joke of some kind, but I think this guy really brought the crazy out for this one.

    For the record, there’s actually a lot that’s GOOD about this post, too — the imagery is vivid, he has a good sense of cadence, and for the most part his spelling is accurate. And after about the fourth or fifth time reading through the post, you can start to get a general sense of the narrative. But there’s a lot that’s wrong with it, too.

  • YSaC, Vol. 255: Exactly how many choirs are there?

    $1 Feamle roomy needed.

    I’m a Male in my 30’s, in need of a Female room mate, 19 to 27, Free rent and a car, keep the house clean and do the choirs. Plus a few things more ( Personal.)
    No Drugs, No Drama. U must send a Picture or a Myspace link.
    I just don’t have the time to do anything. Just work too much.
    Tell me a bit about you, to insure it’s not spam mail.

    You mean, more personal than doing the choirs? How many people are in each choir? I mean, if it’s the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep the house clean.

    I think this one needs a translation. Here’s how I’m reading it — anyone got a better translation?

    I’m a male in my 30s who is incapable of forming or maintaining a meaningful relationship. I’m looking for a female with low self-esteem who will act like my mother during the day and a sperm receptacle in the evenings. I will maintain that this is a business relationship so that when I get bored of you I can toss you away like garbage. Oh, but I’m shallow, so you should be hot.

  • YSaC, Vol. 254: $5 *is* a lot of money to invest in yourself.

    Im looking to sell myself, but dont wana pay 5 bux – 27 (wherever u are)

    Did you know that to post in “Erotic Services” you need to pay 5 bucks, AND a phone confirmation!! Im trying to make money, not spend it! So basically the truth is, a couple nights ago I watched “American Gigalo” with Richard Gere.. You remember that one? In it, Richard plays the role of a lifetime, where he basically lounges around all day by the pool, waiting for his shift to start.. And his job is simple-Look good in a tux.So I thought, why not. I look good in a tux RIGHT?
    So I came here to craigslist to post myself Richy Gere style, but was shocked to see that in order to post, u gota spend FIVE DOLLARS!! WHAT!?
    Plus, I didn’t see one single dood in the erotic services sooooooo……..
    if you’re going to that dinner with tha mayor tonight..Don’t hesitate to, first buy me a tuxedo, then call me up.

    My name is Julian. Prices may vary. [spelled out area code], five hundred fourteen, [number] thousand [number] hundred [number]-nine

    Overall, this is a great plan. There’s just a few problems with it that I’d like to address:

    1. You aren’t Richard Gere.
    2. Posing by someone else’s Mercedes is not classy.
    3. If you’re going to be a gigolo, you should really own your own tux.

    Other than that, I can’t see a single problem with this plan.

    I think I should start a “what could possibly go wrong?” tag. Or does “this can only end badly” cover it?

  • YSaC, Vol. 252: Iw4mW,B V: I think she’s on the way to the second circle, too.

    This Friday installment of w4m week is brought to you in conjunction with the lovely and talented Date Wrecks, who has been very patient with me for infringing on her territory all week long. Thanks, Jami!

    Sugar Lips Sharon Wants YOU!!!! – 39

    Easy going, loving, blonde bomb shell. Loves to give and recieve 😉 anything goes with this wild child. Lick in the front poke her in the back is my life motto. Also for the guys with wifes and girlfriends just remember EATING AIN’T CHEATIN!
    Send me an email if you are interested. Looking to do something soon!

    Let me count the ways in which I am appalled and horrified by this.

    1. You have two pictures of yourself on the toilet, and one picture of your ass. None of them are particularly attractive pictures of you, you realize, although I’m taking some comfort in the fact that you know to wash your hands.
    2. You can’t get the “liquor in the front, poker in the rear” saying correct, even though it’s your “life motto”. You know, some people have mottos like “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing” (Helen Keller). Just saying.
    3. Seriously, honey, if you’re going to use cheesy phrases to illustrate how slutty you are, at least get one of them right. Either include both ‘g’s or drop both: “eating ain’t cheating” OR “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’. Pick one.
    4. You are not only wearing, but prominently displaying, a religious icon. Now, I’m not particularly religious, but isn’t one of the primary tenets of the religion that icon symbolizes something like “thou shalt not propose oral sex upon married men with a vulgar rhyme”?

    It’s official: humanity is doomed. The first sign of the impending cultural apocalypse was Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous, followed closely by the indisputable second sign, Beverly Hills Chihuahua. [Warning: one of those links contains sound and video. Your guess as to which!] This Craigslist ad is surely the third sign.