You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 255: Exactly how many choirs are there?

Written by

drmk

in

$1 Feamle roomy needed.

I’m a Male in my 30’s, in need of a Female room mate, 19 to 27, Free rent and a car, keep the house clean and do the choirs. Plus a few things more ( Personal.)
No Drugs, No Drama. U must send a Picture or a Myspace link.
I just don’t have the time to do anything. Just work too much.
Tell me a bit about you, to insure it’s not spam mail.

You mean, more personal than doing the choirs? How many people are in each choir? I mean, if it’s the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep the house clean.

I think this one needs a translation. Here’s how I’m reading it — anyone got a better translation?

I’m a male in my 30s who is incapable of forming or maintaining a meaningful relationship. I’m looking for a female with low self-esteem who will act like my mother during the day and a sperm receptacle in the evenings. I will maintain that this is a business relationship so that when I get bored of you I can toss you away like garbage. Oh, but I’m shallow, so you should be hot.

Comments

45 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 255: Exactly how many choirs are there?”

  1. Julie Avatar
    Julie

    Feamle? Hmm.

  2. Jessie Avatar
    Jessie

    I think your translation is perfect, and I speak fluent asshat!

    1. Monica Hamburg Avatar
      Monica Hamburg

      I second this sentiment. And I must boast a fluency in douche-baggery as well.

    2. One Moving Violation Avatar
      One Moving Violation

      Finally! Somebody understands me.

      ( I wear a hat that says “ass” on it)*

      * this may or may not be true or false.

  3. Sara Avatar
    Sara

    I’m intrigued by the cutoff age. Why 27? What happens on a woman’s 28th birthday that makes her ineligible for a few things more (personal)?

    1. Mesila Avatar
      Mesila

      Um…she’s 2 years shy of Thirty, not 3?

      Sometimes, I get the feeling that life is really, REALLY screwed for a female on the up side of thirty (I am 44). Young dudes want young women. Older dudes want young women. Whereas a lot of younger women actually want an older man, especially if said older man is “financially solvent”. Is this all because women have that “menopause” thing, and guys don’t?

      Or have I just been reading too many Craigslist ads and dating site profiles lately, and am somehow getting a skewed view of reality? Is this auto-filing of middle-aged females into the mental circular file something only asshats do, or is this universal?

      1. Dete Avatar
        Dete

        Of course, older women also go for younger men, and often younger men look for older women. There’s someone out there for everyone. Just… don’t look on Craigslist….

  4. dogface Avatar
    dogface

    Well, we all need our cooking, cleaning, human fuck dolls to sing to us, don’t we?

  5. Mandee Avatar
    Mandee

    At least he didn’t put “Non smoker, non ugly” like Joey Tribbiani would have!

  6. Jerod Poore Avatar
    Jerod Poore

    I agree that the translation is spot on. Which means it should also get the “unrealistic expectations” tag.

    “Low self-esteem,” “sperm receptacle” and the implication of being tossed away at any time automatically comes with lots and lots of drama prior to the garbage phase.

  7. PrincessLuceval Avatar
    PrincessLuceval

    Oh, this sounds so much like a Harlequin Romance! Single, busy successful guy is advertising for a housekeeper who will also do his, uh, personal correspondence, maybe. He doesn’t want to be saddled with anyone who uses drugs, and those drama majors from City University are really too unreliable.

    Nah. Your scenario is better. And more accurate.

  8. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    your translation sounds just about perfect.

    I suggest you build a CL filter for others that are not so fluent in CL-speak. You would make a fortune!

  9. Spanky Avatar
    Spanky

    Sounds like a great set-up. Wish him the best of luck.

  10. CasualEncountersBlog Avatar
    CasualEncountersBlog

    He had me at “Feamle”. *swoon*

  11. Mary Ann Avatar
    Mary Ann

    That Jerod is a genius! There should def. be a sperm receptacle tag. And if someone on CL would readily admit to looking for a sperm receptacle? I would think we could muster enough support for a booby prize.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      That’s, um, not really where the sperm are supposed to go. That would get the “UR doin it wrong” tag.

      1. Dan Avatar
        Dan

        You don’t watch much porn, do you?

  12. AngloAm Avatar
    AngloAm

    How will he sift through the hundreds of applications this advertisement will generate? Young ladies will be falling all over themselves to be his … well … I don’t think there’s one term that covers the multitude of roles that she’s to fill.

  13. Monica Hamburg Avatar
    Monica Hamburg

    There really needs to be a device that automatically executes people willing to respond to certain Craigslist ads

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Sterilization would work equally well.

      1. One Moving Violation Avatar
        One Moving Violation

        Windy, you suggest turning a working model into a sports model?

        Edit: Never mind, Monica was refering to responders, not posters.
        Whew, that was close.

        1. tankerbell Avatar
          tankerbell

          *Snerk* “working model into sports model”. I am so using that.

  14. Dale Avatar
    Dale

    Awww, he just wanted to go 21st century and cut out the mail order bride middleman.

  15. mk Avatar
    mk

    i’m late to the party, but i believe that what this gentleman is interested in is called a “wife” in many parts of the world and was in fact considered a perfectly good definition of “wife” in this country as well until say, the 70s. guess this guy just missed out on the last 40 years or so. which for your average craigslist denizen isn’t too bad considering how often “no black people,” etc shows up on this site…

  16. Mesila Avatar
    Mesila

    And I put a “no drugs” tag on my ad, because I don’t want my girlfriend^H^H^H^H^Hoops, I mean “roommate” getting high on anything but me. Or she might get too stoned, and only get as far in her choir-doings as the altos…leaving the sopranos still in need of being done.

  17. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
    Dave and Ferret Tribe

    Now I wish I were a roomy feamle, 19-27, so I could get in on such a great deal. After all, anyone who would run an ad like that must be a total prince of a man who also looks like Sean Connery, right?

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      In our dreams, Dave. 8)

    2. tankerbell Avatar
      tankerbell

      Yesh, yesh, he would. And when she finishesh doing the choirsh, she would be sho exchited to do him she would probably offer to pay Shparky for the privilege. Probably. Schomething tellsh me thish Shparky looksh more like the love child of Napoleon Dynamite and Jabba the Hutt, though.

  18. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    *Three years later*

    $1 Feamle roomy needed.
    —————————————————————————————————————–
    I’m a Male in my 30′s, in need of another Female room mate, 19 to 27, Free rent and a car, keep the house clean and do the choirs (must be able to clean up blood and not mind the smell.). Plus a few things more ( Personal.)
    No Drugs, No Drama, no Cops. U must send a Picture or a Myspace link and not have any local family.
    I just don’t have the time to do any stalking. Just too much work.
    Tell me a bit about you, to insure it’s not spam mail.

    1. Digitalaxis Avatar
      Digitalaxis

      Also, please send your blood type. Employment will be at night.

      1. TacoMagic Avatar
        TacoMagic

        You will probably want to forward your dental records to a family member, just in case.

    2. tankerbell Avatar
      tankerbell

      No gardeners, metal-detector enthusiasts, amateur archaeologists or anyone else with an interest in digging in the back yard.

  19. whatisthestars Avatar
    whatisthestars

    Gee, I sure hope this guy found twue wuv after all! Seeing as he’s such a gem.

  20. ArchedEyebrows Avatar
    ArchedEyebrows

    Obviously, this ad was placed by a leprechaun who is 30″ tall. Since there are no female leprechauns, he is searching for a lady elf no taller than 27″ in height. (Even short short men have size issues, it seems.)

    A leprechaun’s work is exhausting what with guarding his riches, constantly searching for the end of the rainbow and, on occasion, making a pair of shoes. They are very thrifty and also hard workers, so he is looking to offer a fair trade to his potential forest-mate. She can live in the base of the tree with him rent-free as long as she keeps the fairy dust to a minimum, keeps the sugar plum choir tuned up and polishes his gold frequently.

    Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

  21. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Table Turning:

    I’m a woman in my 40s in need of a Male room mate, 19 to 27, Free rent and a car, keep the house clean, cook in gourmet kitchen and do the chores. Plus a few things more (Personal). Free time can be spent in the pool or the sauna or the weight room. You’ll be on a Nanny Cam 24/7. No Drugs, No Drama. You must send a Picture or a Myspace link. I just don’t have the time to do anything. Just work too much. Tell me a bit about you, to insure it’s not spam mail. Mrs. Robinson.

    1. SilvaNoir Avatar
      SilvaNoir

      Oh, keep it in your pantry with the cupcakes

  22. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    Oh, we’re the boys of the choir,
    we hope that she will show.
    we have some things more personal,
    we’d like to have her blow.

  23. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    “sperm receptacle”

    Sparky: If you move in with me, you get sperm, free rent, a car and sperm.

    Female: But I don’t want any sperm.

    Sparky: Ok, You can have free rent, a car, a men’s choir, and sperm, that hasn’t got much sperm.

    Female: That’s got even more sperm.

    Sparky: That’s not as much sperm as sperm, free rent, a men’s choir, a car, a football team and sperm now is it?

    Choir: Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, wonderful sperm!

    Female: Shut up! I don’t like sperm!

    Sparky: Do you have a friend that does?

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      But Every Sperm Is Sacred!

  24. LimeLolly Avatar
    LimeLolly

    Free rent and car just to keep the house clean and do the choirs?

    Hmm….
    How many members in the choir and it better not be the Vienna Boys Choir. Make it a Barbershop Quartet and you got a deal.

  25. CapnMac Avatar
    CapnMac

    U must send a Picture or a Myspace link

    Like there are any 19-27 y/o still on myspace even three years ago.

    Sparky is watching all too much hentai is my guess, and assumes all wimmins is 16-19 and eager to don portions of skimpy French-maid attire and do (personal.) stuff willingly, eagerly, and in wholesale lot batches.

    Hikikomori Sparky needs to stay in more.

  26. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    I know this just might sound shady,
    but I want a live in lady.
    One that’s young and hot and not to tame.
    I am looking for some fun,
    so I hope that you’re the one.
    To do the choir and for me do the same.

    I’ve been working hard at my career.
    I haven’t time for drama here,
    or drug addicts, for that you couldn’t blame.
    I can offer you a car.
    And free rent here thus far.
    Just guarantee that you will not be lame.

    You may be right
    you like me maybe.
    Because it just might be a playboy that you’re looking for.
    Check out my house,
    and live here baby.
    You may be wrong for all I know
    but you may be right.

    You found me in a Craigslist ad.
    So you must really want me bad.
    You probably been looking for awhile.
    You were lonely for a man.
    You should get me while you can.
    Not many girls can resist all this style.

    Now think of all the freebies you get.
    It won’t cost you anything yet.
    You can even dress like a french maid.
    So why not take the chance,
    I would like to see you dance.
    If you do real good you might even get paid.

    You may be right
    to live here baby.
    It just might be a sugar daddy you’re looking for.
    We could be tight,
    come on and join me.
    You may be wrong for all I know
    but you may be right.

    (I’m wearing my prose colored glasses today)

  27. tankerbell Avatar
    tankerbell

    Because the Llamanun’s wish is my command, I hereby present my translation of Sparky’s ad:

    I have so little experience of women that I cannot even spell female. So I am posting an ad on Craigslist in the pathetic belief that my completely lame ploy has any possible chance of the result I imagined when I was touching myself in the bathtub.
    I’m a complete loser in my very late 30′s, in need of losing my virginity, and have so little self-awareness that I believe I can be picky here and specify an age range. You can live with me in my dank basement studio apartment and use my 1973 Toyota Celica if you keep the apartment clean and do all the rest of the stuff my Mom did when I lived at her house until 2 months ago. Plus of course, you have to let me see your boobs. Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Boobs.
    No Drugs, No Drama. Because I have never even smoked a cigarette and wouldn’t have the first clue how to deal with someone who is more sophisticated or experienced than that, plus loud noises scare me and make me need to use my inhaler. U must send a Picture or a Myspace link. Because I expect to have my mailbox stuffed with pictures of pretty ladies, and hopefully some will send pictures where I can see their boobs. Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Boobs.
    I just don’t have the time to do anything. Just work too much. Now that I got my own “pad”, I realize that Mom must have been cleaning and shopping and doing my laundry and setting out my jammies at night and my clothes in the morning, and cutting the crusts off my PB&J sammitches and stuff. But I have to work 38 shifts a month at Taco Bell to afford this basement studio, plus I have no idea how to do any of that stuff (hell, I didn’t even know someone had to DO it, I thought it just happened).
    Tell me a bit about you, to insure it’s not spam mail. Because I expect that now my mailbox is going to be filled with dirty emails like those letters in the back of Uncle Fred’s nudie magazine that I saw once.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      *sends away for the Infinity Expandable Baux*

  28. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    I seem to have misplaced a punchity punch punch here. For Taco And Dave And valarie. What to do, what to do?

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