YSaC, Vol. 265: Avoid the microwave.
Read this or perish – 333
I’ve done this internet dating thing for years now. I’ve mostly dated women in their mid-30’s to low 40’s (I’m talking breast size here, not age). It could be just a coincidence, but these gals all say they want me to play dead so they can drive me around town in the back of a hearse, or else they want to push me around in a baby carriage … yet they exhibit obvious signs of a fear of commitment (to a mental hospital).
What is up with you gals? I feel like I’m dating 14 year old girls in men’s bodies, with female genitalia, but with men’s back hair … though with the post-menopausal mood swings of 52-year-old women. What gives? Or is it just me?
I am seeking a woman who sometimes poses as a boy, sometimes as a lady, sometimes as a tree or bush (the kind that can walk, though). Someone with an identity crisis. Someone who finds herself licking postage stamps if only because of the taste. Someone who isn’t afraid to play in the dirt, on the edge of cliffs, or with poisonous snakes that can spit toxic venom across long distances with laser accuracy. Someone who loves life as much as I do (i.e., not very). Someone who loves dogs, especially mine, and has no problem including her “bitch” (if it’s a female dog) on walks, trips to the zoo, excursions to casinos and/or offshore oil wells, etc. — and who doesn’t get jealous of it (it’s happened before!). The kind of person who isn’t phased by a household with no microwave, or a microwave that one casually opens, only to find a human head in it (just hypothetically speaking — I don’t do that kind of thing).
I want to spend my time with someone who really cares about what they put into their body. I am a fan of trying to eat unprocessed foods, and when I can, I eat organic produce, only to later pig out on the most processed, artificial food possible. Weird, huh?
Road trips are good fun, and I like to be spontaneous about them. Once I got it on in the bathroom of a greyhound and then wound up getting the clams, but it’s all experience.
I am looking for something long term. I can’t waste any more of my energy with someone who is not looking for the same, unless they are looking for something short-term, which is also fine.
Please be 20-35, no children, dogs are ok but we can share mine ’cause he is awesome (and fairly well hung, FWIW). Please be nice, compassionate, honest, in good shape, and attractive. Lepers discouraged but not rejected unconditionally.
At first glance, this isn’t exactly a Craigslist fail, as it made me laugh myself silly. It’s really more of a Craigslist win, in that regard. This is my favorite part:
I am looking for something long term. I can’t waste any more of my energy with someone who is not looking for the same, unless they are looking for something short-term, which is also fine.
If I were single and in this particular Midwestern university town, I would totally think about contacting this guy … and then not do it.
On second glance, there’s just something a little too strange about it. I’m not sure what it is — maybe it’s his unnatural attachment to his dog. I’ve dated men who are a little too attached to their dog, and I have to say that after that, I draw the line at a guy picking scabs off of his dog IN BED. I think that’s a reasonable place to draw a line, don’t you?
Anyway, the mere mention of dog penis is also enough to turn my otherwise favorable impression sour. I don’t want to know that about your dog. I don’t even want to know that about you. I can safely say that I have no idea what size penis my cat has. (Then again, that might be because my cat is (a) female and (b) fixed, but still … )
But the real killer for me is the “licking stamps because you like the taste” bit. NOBODY LIKES THE TASTE OF STAMPS. And by the way — wet paper? BLARGHARGHBLARGHARGHARGH. Wet paper is disgusting. Deliberately licking paper is worse than running your fingernails down a chalkboard while chewing on tinfoil and singing a Beyoncé song. All of those things are individually cringeworthy, but wet paper is worse than all three of those things combined. Stamps are nothing but wet paper with pictures on them. So is acid. I rest my case.
My point [and I don’t actually have one, mind you] is that at first this ad comes across as all clever and genuine. Then you start seeing the seedy underbelly, and you realize you’re dealing with a dog-obsessed serial killer who rides Greyhound buses and likes the taste of stamps. And one of those things is just a dealbreaker.
That’s the Midwest for you.
This was sent in by Christy — thanks!
Wow, i really liked that. It was really funny and random. My favorite was that he wants someone who will pose as a tree. And the increasing odd line about playing in dirt, and cliffs, and snake venom.
The list of odd girlfriend traits kind of reminded me of the song
Antonia by Motion City Soundtrack
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/motion_city_soundtrack/antonia.html
Is “the clams” a new STD that I am unaware of? They should really get some brochures out about that shit!
i thought that too. maybe his penis turned into a “clam” hence why he must promote his dogs penis instead.
THAT is the funniest line in the whole ad! The clams! I’m still LOL over that one!
The well hung dog? Well that’s just freaky! What, is he planning a threesome? Ew!
[Corey] Clams = chlamydia. [/Corey]
Hey, guess what? I’m from the Midwest. I lick stamps. I love my dog. Also, I like to ride on buses. Being a Midwesterner who likes to lick stamps and love dogs and ride buses doesn’t mean you’re weird. I’m so sick and tired of people assuming I’m weird because I lick stamps and love my dog. I love the Midwest and I love my hometown. Yes, there are weird people in the Midwest, but lest anyone forget, there are weird people EVERYWHERE!!!!!! Quit picking on Midwestern stamp-lickers. It just pisses me off.
hahahaha…..I get the reference. thats great.
kudos. that made my day.
*snort*
Oh ya, what could go wrong with this guy?
Looking for a girl that no one will report missing. A gal looking for a long term confinement chained to a bed in my apartment. It puts the lotion in the basket.
My favourite part is the part about not wasting time looking for something short term, unless, of course, that’s what the other person wants.
And I can totally relate to spontaneously taking excursions to off-shore oil wells. Doesn’t everybody do that?
I have been known to pose as both a boy and a walking bush, but alas, I am taken. Sorry guy!
See, my first thought was “He sounds hot.” So apparently this ad is effective at attracting weirdos.
That was written by either someone up close & personal to, or someone with a /serious/ thought disorder. There’s faking crazy and there’s writing from inside of crazy.
“yet they exhibit obvious signs of a fear of commitment (to a mental hospital).” Isn’t a giveaway about faking it, that’s “Ha-ha but serious” projection.
The title alone needs a couple of paragraphs to decode.
Whoever it is, he needs Zyprexa or clozapine.
I love the stream-of-consciousness of it. What exactly does he mean, 30s and 40s refer to breast size? Isn’t that the band size anyway?
I especially like the last part…the reference to his dog being well-endowed and that seemingly last minute addition about consideration of lepers. How does this guy even follow his own train of thought?
I’m guessing not well and gets lost frequently.
Excellent observation–30DD and 40AAA both meet Spark’s parameters; and both encompass equal levels of female bosom misery.
Ahah, perhaps gynecomastia is the problem, Spark’ may have taken a walk in the wild side and “the she turned into a he” (all due apologies to Lou Reed).
That could explain what prompted him to turn to Craigslist.
I love the taste of stamps. No, really.
Dunno, the new peel-n-stick ones taste too much of mauve
What is all this stamp-licking business anyway? They made sticker stamps like 20yrs ago. Is it a secret?
“I’ve mostly dated women in their mid-30’s to low 40’s (I’m talking breast size here, not age).”
He lost me there. The number in a bra size refers to the circumference of the chest directly below the breast. Now, I know that not everyone else in the world has sold lingerie and had to measure customers for fit, but I couldn’t get past it.
Although considering how neurotic I’m being, maybe we were meant for each other….
My first thought was he meant the bust measurement, rather than the under-bust. Like one would use for fitting clothes rather than bras.
But then, who knows? This guy is probably not in his right mind anyways.
The guy seems to be trying too hard. Assuming he isn’t actually crazy, he needs to pull back and include just a few funny bits, like the part about posing as a tree or his only wanting a long-term relationship, but a short-term thing is fine too. All the other stuff is just too much.
It’s one of those baffling posts where you don’t know where to start but I think any personal that begins by bitching about others you have dated is not successful. I once went out with a guy a few months after finding out my ex had cheated on me. I went into a little too much detail about how cheaters sucked and here’s why. There was not a date number 2. Lesson learned.
I was planning on not contacting him long before the microwave comment but that was really on the icing on the cake of future restraining order.
“I am well-attuned to dog wang size comparisons, but will be indifferent to your emotional needs.” Dude could have just posted that and saved himself a lot of typing.
When 300 years you reach, not as sane you will be, hmm?
If he thought that the one with Mickey Mouse was a stamp, that would explain his writing style.
So, spontaneous Greyhound bus trips? Woot! I guess Tool Dog has to hold it in until he returns.
I love this comment so much I am taking the rest of the day off.
And once again YSaC has reaffirmed my belief that no matter how bizarre the people you meet in person are, there’s always someone ten times stranger online. Thank you, Sparky McCrazypants.
I now have a mental image of weird flammable glitter pants. And that actually brightened my day! 😀
Flaming glitter-britches would brighten anyone’s day, unless you were the one wearing them.
Glitter-britches is my new favorite insult!
Lizzi, it’s good but it won’t replace ass noodle around here. 8)
Oh I forgot about ass noodle! Thanks, Windy!
I just want to tell him to clam up. Oh, he could have rehomed his clams yesterday. And, does Monica know you borrowed her daily dose thing for the weekend? You better have it back on Monday in the same or better condition as you found it. 8)
Wowzer, what a clammy week. Let’s do shrimp next week.
Boilt shrimp, baked shrimp, bbq shrimp, braised shrimp, shrimp ettoufeé . . .
This is what stuck in my mind when I read this.
“I’ve mostly dated women in their mid-30′s to low 40′s (I’m talking breast size here, not age).”
• Huh, sounded like you were talking temperature.
“What gives? Or is it just me?”
• I’d say it’s just you, only you. nobody else but you.
“I am seeking a woman who sometimes poses as a boy, sometimes as a lady, sometimes as a tree or bush”
• So, you’re looking for a woman who sometimes poses as a lady?
“Someone who isn’t afraid to play in the dirt, on the edge of cliffs, or with poisonous snakes that can spit toxic venom across long distances with laser accuracy.”
• Because snakes that can spit non-toxic poison with just open sights just aren’t as much fun.
“I want to spend my time with someone who really cares about what they put into their body.”
• Really? Is that why you mention your pooch’s appendage?
“Once I got it on in the bathroom of a greyhound and then wound up getting the clams”
• Were you with someone or alone?
“dogs are ok but we can share mine ’cause he is awesome (and fairly well hung, FWIW).”
Now, before I make my points on this last one, I’m not very knowledgable with acronyms. I looked up FWIW and wiktionary gave me three options. Lets take each in turn.
• For What It’s Worth. It’s not worth much if you really care what a gal puts in her body. (See above.)
• For Whoever Is Wondering. Honestly, I don’t think anyone was wondering about how hung your dog is. At least not until you brought it up.
• From What I’ve Witnessed. You go around looking at puppy peepees to compare. You involve your dog in your own insecurities.
Why do I bother? The more sense I try to make of the world, the less I want to know.
I would not doubt one bit if he was alone in that bathroom.
If you read carefully, I think this guy is looking for a female dog, or some gal who acts like one. Enjoys licking stamps for the taste… fearless in the face of venemous snakes and cliff edges… playing in the dirt… ok with a severed head in a microwave, or no microwave at all… strange combinations of natural and completely artificial foods.
I mean, the guy is obsessed with dog genitals, and who’s more obsessed with dog genitals than another dog?
“Read this or perish”
My friends, if you are reading this, then you know that I have perished as I refused to read the ad upon this page. My final wishes are for you to seek out my body. My shroud should be nearby. Please wrap me and place me inside the sarcophagus just inside my den. Do not cry, keep happy thoughts of me. So long, and thanks for all the chickens.
Pfft! Perish the thought!
Oh, Brer! We hardly knew ye!
I have the perfect “lady” for this guy: http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=1521
As soon as I started reading this one I thought of that gem. I’m a helper like that. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…
I…um…can’t really say my innocence is lost. But my lunch is a different story.
I know, right? If there’s any justice in this world both of those people are infertile.
I’m actually surprised this post didn’t completely go off the rails and turn into a rant about the price of gas, or something like that.
That’s coming in his next installment where he tells us how he drove all the way to another city for a “lady friend” and it turned out to be just another cobra-hating cat person who wasn’t impressed by his dog’s junk.
Cap’n, I hope I can do this with all the honor and respect that is due you. Punchity Punch Punch!
Bombdude, here’s an honorable Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Bachelor Number 2!