You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: slimy

  • YSaC, Vol. 328: Not just Craigslist, Vol. 3

    We’ve had a few posts from kijiji.com in the past, and today I’d like to share a couple of posts from other online classifieds sites.

    From backpage.com comes this help wanted ad:

    … Aggravated Office Manager

    posted: May 22, 2009, 03:02 PM

    We need an office manager for local retail store. Good verbal skills are necessary, great starting wage, potential for advancement, no certification required.Great opportunity for someone who is outgoing with a pleasant personality. We will provide all required training for our staff.

    Salaries start at $750 to $1,000 per week.

    I can’t even think of what word they meant to put in the title. Motivated? Sure. Ambitious? Makes sense.  Aggravated? (But with a pleasant personality, of course.) Are they going to train me to be aggravated? Or do they expect that skill set already and will train me to be outgoing and pleasant? If it’s the latter, my mother has been trying to do that for years and it’s not gone well.

    And then, from OLX.com:

    Suddenly, shots rang out…

    in the food court of one of the area’s busiest shopping malls. It was Saturday afternoon. Hundreds of people, consisting mostly of kids and women, were chaotically scrambling for cover. When the smoke had cleared, it looked like the scene from a movie set. Lots of bloodied bodies, muffled moans of pain, and cries for help. Can you imagine yourself, or your loved ones, caught up in such a nightmare? I can’t, which is where the concept of [Crappy online mall aggregator, or COMA for short] originated. [COMA].com is a web-based mall, consisting of a virtual hodge-podge of stores, which, unlike conventional malls, specializes in wholesale items, great deals, bargains galore, discounts, low prices, and great selections. You’d be hard-pressed to find a bricks and mortar establishment with more varieties of stores ( and more are being added daily ). I put [COMA] together with the hopes of keeping my loved ones out of the malls ( and my nightmare ) as much as possible. It has been pretty effective so far. The kids have been the hardest sell, probably so because their main reason for going to the mall is to socialize. I’ve gotten rave reviews from them about the site, however, so it has been somewhat effective on them. So take a tip from the kids. Take a trip to www.[COMA].com. You’ll be glad you did. You’ll not only save money on items that you purchase, but you will save gas, because all of the stores deliver to your door. So come see why, at [COMA], our name says it all.

    Well, maybe the name I gave you says it all — your store is a crappy online mall aggregator. It’s poorly designed, and whoever is writing your copy has no idea about the proper use of apostrophes or conjunctions. (Seriously: “You’re childs toy’s”? Really? Apparently the online bookstore in this COMA doesn’t have any dictionaries or writing books.)

    Worst of all, you’re preying on people’s fears to drive business to your site. “Shop with us, and you won’t get gunned down in Abercrombie & Fitch like a commerce-driven dog!”

    Maybe not, but I also won’t get that guy standing in the food court offering me samples of bourbon chicken, now, will I? Until you figure out how to offer free samples of bourbon chicken through the internet, I’ll take my chances in the mall.*

    *Though I’m not going into Hot Topic. You can’t make me.

    [Thanks to Sarah for the “Aggravated Office Manager” listing, and thanks to the folks at OLX for calling my attention to their site by offering me money [which I didn’t take] to promote them here. (I’m too damned ethical — I also didn’t take a free piece of jewelry from some site that wanted me to link to them.)]

  • YSaC, Vol. 324: Someone to watch over me ….

    Need Pet sitter maybe 2 nites a week

    I’m a sales guy that travels about 2 nites a week for work. I am looking for someone or preferably a couple that loves dogs and would like my dog Forest’s company. He is ZERO trouble, sits on your lap like your best friend and only wants his tummy scratched as much as he can get it done lol

    If your going to reply with how much does it pay, don’t reply, i need someone to watch him that isn’t looking to make money off him

    a retired couple would be best as he loves being outside walking if possible or a fenced yard. Also he’d prefer no children.

    thanks,
    jeff
    xxx-xxx-xxxx
    323

    Translation: I need a pet sitter, but I’m not willing to pay for the service.

    What’s awful about this is that I can think of a lot of ways he could have spun this request that would have made it slightly less asshattish. For example, he could have said, “I know that elderly couples enjoy having animals around, so I would be willing to leave my dog with you a couple of nights a week while I am at work.” It still has the same meaning — i.e., I’m not willing to pay for a sitter — but it’s not as bad as “Don’t reply if you want pay because I’m not paying you.”

    [Thanks for the submission, Jen!]

  • YSaC, Vol. 321: Meta-hilarity ensues.

    Hi. Welcome to You Suck at Craigslist, a site where I make fun of poorly constructed Craigslist ads.

    What? What’s that you say? You’re wondering why I’m stating that, when it’s perfectly obvious what the site is?

    As it turns out, perfectly obvious might not be obvious enough to some people, as evidenced by an email I got (exchange is behind a cut, as it’s relatively long):

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 301: Maiesiophiliasshat

    Young and pregnant? – m4w – 32

    Did the baby’s father leave you? Do you have no where to turn? About to be kicked out of your home?

    I’m looking for a pregnant girl to take care of. I want to date you during the term of your pregnancy. Come live with me and I’ll take care of you and make sure that all your needs are met. You won’t have to work or worry about anything! After the baby is born, I’ll set you up to get a decent start in life.

    Remember, this is under romantic relationship, which is what I want .I’m serious, hope you are as well.
    Tell me about your circumstances: age, how far along you are, etc.

    Translation: I have a fetish for young pregnant girls because they have already exhibited poor judgment and have nobody around to tell them that this is a spectacularly bad idea.

    *shudder*

    Megan sent this one in — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 294: Flagging on the top right.

    Need Flagging? – $5

    Tired of seeing spam ads? Your competitors got you down? No worries, with our service we will have ads removed within minutes! The process is very simple – just let us know the URL or posting title & section, send us a payment with PayPal, and the ad will be removed within 5-10 minutes (10 ads or more – 30 minutes). We can also do bulk removal at discounted rates.

    1 ad – $5
    5 ads – $20
    25 ads – $50

    Payments are made through PayPal, once payment is received the process is started immediately.

    NuclearMosquito emailed this listing, saying: “Now I know in “this economy” (whatever that means), people are looking for new ways to make a quick buck. Somewhere along the line, someone will think, “Hey, I should charge people for an already free service! Maybe even one they can do themselves! Surely someone will fall for it.” Sadly, they just might. This ad promises to flag other Craigslist ads for you. They even offer a discount for bulk flags! Just Paypal them $5 per flag, along with the URL of the ad you want flagged, and they’re on the job. Now really, you have to wonder if the people that read this ad and think it’s something wonderful don’t notice the flag button, that they can click themselves, FOR FREE, in the corner of that very ad! The mind boggles.”

    Indeed it does. I should, of course, mention that this ad got flagged. I wonder if someone paid them to flag their own ad? I would have, just for the irony of it.

  • YSaC, Vol. 260: Note to self — don’t search for “sexy secretary” with safe search off.

    Sexy Personal Assistant

    I’m looking to hire a personal assistant to help out around my home office. I’m a good looking 28 year old man who runs a small company and I need to hire someone to take care of answering the phones, responding to clients and taking notes while I’m in meetings and just everyday helping out and tidying up around the office. I would like to hire a sexy little 18-25 year old girl. This is a strictly working relationship and not require you to do anything physical with me. I only require that whoever I hire comes to work in cute and sexy outfits to parade the office all day and giving me something to stare at. You would have the opportunity however to make extra money every now and then giving me a lap dance if you were open to that. Serious inquiries only. Looking to fill the position by the end of the week.

    I think someone’s been watching Secretary a few times too many. Would I have to wear the saddle and hold the carrot in my mouth?

    Kim submitted this one, saying, “I kind of want to take the job just so I can sue him for his business later on.  I’m sure I could run it better than this ungrammatical horndog, whatever it is.”

    This really is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I like how it progresses from “strictly working relationship” to “you can give me a lap dance”. Nope, I’m sure there’s no ulterior motives here.

    Maybe he’ll get lucky and get Mrs. Wiggins!