You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: classy

  • YSaC, Vol. 260: Note to self — don’t search for “sexy secretary” with safe search off.

    Sexy Personal Assistant

    I’m looking to hire a personal assistant to help out around my home office. I’m a good looking 28 year old man who runs a small company and I need to hire someone to take care of answering the phones, responding to clients and taking notes while I’m in meetings and just everyday helping out and tidying up around the office. I would like to hire a sexy little 18-25 year old girl. This is a strictly working relationship and not require you to do anything physical with me. I only require that whoever I hire comes to work in cute and sexy outfits to parade the office all day and giving me something to stare at. You would have the opportunity however to make extra money every now and then giving me a lap dance if you were open to that. Serious inquiries only. Looking to fill the position by the end of the week.

    I think someone’s been watching Secretary a few times too many. Would I have to wear the saddle and hold the carrot in my mouth?

    Kim submitted this one, saying, “I kind of want to take the job just so I can sue him for his business later on.  I’m sure I could run it better than this ungrammatical horndog, whatever it is.”

    This really is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I like how it progresses from “strictly working relationship” to “you can give me a lap dance”. Nope, I’m sure there’s no ulterior motives here.

    Maybe he’ll get lucky and get Mrs. Wiggins!

  • YSaC, Vol. 255: Exactly how many choirs are there?

    $1 Feamle roomy needed.

    I’m a Male in my 30’s, in need of a Female room mate, 19 to 27, Free rent and a car, keep the house clean and do the choirs. Plus a few things more ( Personal.)
    No Drugs, No Drama. U must send a Picture or a Myspace link.
    I just don’t have the time to do anything. Just work too much.
    Tell me a bit about you, to insure it’s not spam mail.

    You mean, more personal than doing the choirs? How many people are in each choir? I mean, if it’s the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep the house clean.

    I think this one needs a translation. Here’s how I’m reading it — anyone got a better translation?

    I’m a male in my 30s who is incapable of forming or maintaining a meaningful relationship. I’m looking for a female with low self-esteem who will act like my mother during the day and a sperm receptacle in the evenings. I will maintain that this is a business relationship so that when I get bored of you I can toss you away like garbage. Oh, but I’m shallow, so you should be hot.

  • YSaC, Vol. 254: $5 *is* a lot of money to invest in yourself.

    Im looking to sell myself, but dont wana pay 5 bux – 27 (wherever u are)

    Did you know that to post in “Erotic Services” you need to pay 5 bucks, AND a phone confirmation!! Im trying to make money, not spend it! So basically the truth is, a couple nights ago I watched “American Gigalo” with Richard Gere.. You remember that one? In it, Richard plays the role of a lifetime, where he basically lounges around all day by the pool, waiting for his shift to start.. And his job is simple-Look good in a tux.So I thought, why not. I look good in a tux RIGHT?
    So I came here to craigslist to post myself Richy Gere style, but was shocked to see that in order to post, u gota spend FIVE DOLLARS!! WHAT!?
    Plus, I didn’t see one single dood in the erotic services sooooooo……..
    if you’re going to that dinner with tha mayor tonight..Don’t hesitate to, first buy me a tuxedo, then call me up.

    My name is Julian. Prices may vary. [spelled out area code], five hundred fourteen, [number] thousand [number] hundred [number]-nine

    Overall, this is a great plan. There’s just a few problems with it that I’d like to address:

    1. You aren’t Richard Gere.
    2. Posing by someone else’s Mercedes is not classy.
    3. If you’re going to be a gigolo, you should really own your own tux.

    Other than that, I can’t see a single problem with this plan.

    I think I should start a “what could possibly go wrong?” tag. Or does “this can only end badly” cover it?

  • YSaC, Vol. 252: Iw4mW,B V: I think she’s on the way to the second circle, too.

    This Friday installment of w4m week is brought to you in conjunction with the lovely and talented Date Wrecks, who has been very patient with me for infringing on her territory all week long. Thanks, Jami!

    Sugar Lips Sharon Wants YOU!!!! – 39

    Easy going, loving, blonde bomb shell. Loves to give and recieve 😉 anything goes with this wild child. Lick in the front poke her in the back is my life motto. Also for the guys with wifes and girlfriends just remember EATING AIN’T CHEATIN!
    Send me an email if you are interested. Looking to do something soon!

    Let me count the ways in which I am appalled and horrified by this.

    1. You have two pictures of yourself on the toilet, and one picture of your ass. None of them are particularly attractive pictures of you, you realize, although I’m taking some comfort in the fact that you know to wash your hands.
    2. You can’t get the “liquor in the front, poker in the rear” saying correct, even though it’s your “life motto”. You know, some people have mottos like “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing” (Helen Keller). Just saying.
    3. Seriously, honey, if you’re going to use cheesy phrases to illustrate how slutty you are, at least get one of them right. Either include both ‘g’s or drop both: “eating ain’t cheating” OR “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’. Pick one.
    4. You are not only wearing, but prominently displaying, a religious icon. Now, I’m not particularly religious, but isn’t one of the primary tenets of the religion that icon symbolizes something like “thou shalt not propose oral sex upon married men with a vulgar rhyme”?

    It’s official: humanity is doomed. The first sign of the impending cultural apocalypse was Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous, followed closely by the indisputable second sign, Beverly Hills Chihuahua. [Warning: one of those links contains sound and video. Your guess as to which!] This Craigslist ad is surely the third sign.

  • YSaC, Vol. 248: It’s w4m week, bitches!

    A reminder (and plea), folks: if you think the ad you’re sending me might get flagged for removal, copy and paste the ad into your email! If you can include pictures, even better. Quite a few of the w4m ads that folks sent in disappeared between the time they were sent in and the time I got to them.

    Actually, it’s a good idea all around — when my job/life gets in the way, sometimes I don’t get to look at listings until a couple of days later, and things do disappear off of Craigslist in that time. (Yes, I have to work! Believe it or not, this ad-free site does not support me in the manner to which I desire to become accustomed. I don’t even have a lucrative book contract. I know, I know … there is no justice in this world.)

    Anyway, by the time I got to this one, the ad had been flagged; luckily, Emily had included the text in her email … but sadly, not the picture. Emily’s vivid description helps fill in the mental image, though.

    I want to hear from a romantic man.. – 30

    some words that describe me are witty, sporty, optimistic, and single.
    I am quite sweet, FEMALETRAITS2, FEMALETRAITS3, and FEMALETRAITS4.  I have an hourglass figure, a beautiful face, and a beautiful personality to match!  I am searching for a person who cares what I have to tell them.  Please be sensitive, drama-free and sure of what you are looking for in a woman. If you like what you’ve read then just contactl me and we’ll go from there.

    Emily says, “How could any man pass her up? She’s looking for romance, that’s why she’s wearing eyeliner like a 14-year-old who hasn’t figured out the difference between slutty and sexy. And, don’t forget, she possesses not only FEMALETRAITS2 and FEMALETRAITS3, she’s also surprisingly, refreshingly FEMALETRAITS4. If I were a man, I’d “contactl” her right now.”

    You know, I can never get the database merge function in Word to work either. (I always end up sending things to FIRSTNAME LASTNAME in CITY, ST.) I’d never have thought about failing to use database merge correctly to spam Craigslist with fake w4m ads. I guess that’s why I don’t earn the big bucks — I have a lack of vision on how to fail.

    Edited to add: Since I queued this one up, there have been articles on Reddit (among others) about this very topic … apparently the Database Merge Fail Scenario is exactly what has been happening! If you do a google search for craigslist +femaletrait2, you get a whole pile of results, tons of which point to deleted/flagged Craigslist posts (or those posts aggregated to other sites) from the same stupid spammer.

    I’m very, very amused.

  • YSaC, Vol. 242: Next, we take blankets away from the homeless.

    Will trade food for fruit tree or bush

    My husband and I bought 2 bags of food for the food bank and drove around looking for it for an hour, finally found it and it was closed. I figure there is somebody out there who likes soups, spongebob macaroni and cheese and various other instant foods. If you have a fruit tree that you are looking to get rid of or a blueberry bush with an established root stock then let’s swap!

    So let me get this right …. you bought food that you planned to donate, and now just because the food bank was closed, you want to trade the food that you planned to donate for a fruit tree or blueberry bush.

    In other words, you now want to get something for the food that you had initially planned to give away to the needy. That’s mighty philanthropic of you.

    And, on top of it, you’re offering to trade that needy someone some instant foods (that they will use up) in exchange for a fruiting plant/bush that will continue to produce food. That doesn’t sound like a good trade to me. If you offered me a choice between Spongebob macaroni and a blueberry bush, I know which one I would take.

    Thanks, Alyssa! That’s two in a row!