You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: classy

  • YSaC, Vol. 237: Beep beep.

    95 Caddy STS – $2800

    YOU ARE LOOKING AT ONE BAD ASS RIDE!! THE FIRST LUCKY BASTARD WHO COMES TO SEE THIS CAR WILL BUY THIS RIDE!!! I MUST SELL FAST TO PAY FOR MY DIVORCE!!! I’VE BEEN ORDERED TO PAY VAGINAMONEY!!! AS YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TELL BY READING THIS I AM NOT F$%^KING HAPPY!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A 1995 CADILLAC SEVILLE STS 32 VALVE V-8 NORTH STAR ENG, HAS POWER EVERYTHING, LEATHER INTERIOR, FACTORY CD/TAPE STEREO, FACTORY CHROME WHEELS, EVERYTHING WORKS, IT GETS 21 MPG AND HAULS ASS. IF YOU EVER DROVE ONE YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!!! IF YOU HAVE A LEAD FOOT GOOD LUCK KEEPING TIRES ON IT CAUSE IT WILL CONSTANTLY LITE THEM UP IN SMOKE!!! MY LOSS IS YOUR GAIN!!! DO YOU KNOW WHY DIVORCE IS EXPENSIVE?…….. BECAUSE IT’S WORTH IT!!!! YOU CAN CONTACT ME AT xxx-xxx-xxxx JAMES

    We can tell you’re not f$%^king happy — you’re shouting. Allow me to introduce you to my friend, the Caps Lock key. It turns on and off. Also, there are types of punctuation other than the exclamation point.

    The surprising thing here isn’t that this fellow is getting divorced, it’s that anyone who would actually conceive of the term “Vaginamoney” and use it in a public setting — much less in an attempted retail transaction — would find someone who would marry him in the first place.

    I’ve noticed that there are certain models of car I know for a fact I will not like the owner of.* In other words, the type of personality that would buy a Chevy Monte Carlo SS, for example, is a personality type that I will not get along with. I have (quasi-)empirical evidence to back this up — I have never met a Monte Carlo SS owner/driver that I like. Has anyone else had this experience (not just with Monte Carlos)? Based on this, I think I might have to tentatively add Cadillac Seville owners to that list. Anyone who judges their car’s quality based on the potential to ‘burn rubber’ has a vastly different set of priorities than I do.

    *Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition. I couldn’t figure out a better way to get through that one.

  • YSaC, Vol. 235: Because there is no “eam” in T.

    Team mobile cell phone Cheap!! – $30

    I am selling a team mobile cell phone. you could use this as a replacement when yours breaks or lose it. i am only asking $30 big ones. call xxx-xxx-xxxx or email me at redsox[xxxx]@yahoo.com

    That’s right, Sparky. All of the promotional material, all of the commercials with Catherine Zeta-Jones, even the phone itself that you took a picture of — ALL of them have the name of the company wrong, and you are the only one who has gotten it right. It’s Team Mobile. Right.

    Never mind the fact that this phone is an old enough model that I can’t find any reference to it on the T-Mobile page OR the Samsung website, and that you want $30 for it. Or that you refer to dollars as “big ones”. (Or that you’re in New Jersey and have a Red Sox email address. With Yahoo.)

    Go Team Mobile!

    Edited because I forgot to upload the pictures. D’oh!

  • YSaC, Vol. 226: Don’t cry, emo boy.

    Happy HOUSE is Coolest Place! Handyman Hippie or Party Animal WELCOME!

    House has basement, fenced yard, half bath in basement and full bath upstairs, possibility of making two apartments in the house if done right, with shared kitchen. WOW! WHERE ELSE can you be yourself? Most “landlords” or roomrenters require you to be well behaved, no noise, no pets, no parties, no fun, right? NOT ME! I’m sick of the bullsh*t, aren’t you? Read carefully, and I’ll explain. I’m a liberal libertarian type. I fix up places and HELP people who are likeminded, who have been abused by the SYSTEM for just being a social outcast, rude crude and socially unacceptable! YOU ARE WELCOME here! You must be HONE$T, a HANDY person (because house needs fixed up) and able to pay your share MOSTLY on time ( I am understanding when SH*T happens ). Just DON’T try to play me for a fool! YOU will agree to fix the place up, paint the insides ANY COLOR you like (except black or dark, no Goths accepted, sorry!), put up sheet rock or paneling or whatever you like, but FIX IT UP nicely, (use cheap or surplus materials to save) and you will also pay at least $300 to $450 a month, depending on HOW MUCH WORK and MATERIALS you have put into the place. I HOPE it’s fixed up enough where you only pay $300 a month, because I HATE high “rents”! I don’t want someone who pays $500 a month and does nothing to improve the place. Nice big fenced yard, basement, and NO NEIGHBORS to the right or left for a LONG WAY, and COOL neighbors across the street! SO this means Privacy, Parties, and FUN to the right FRIEND who wants to start something COOL! WANT to plant a veggie garden this spring? COOL! (I want some!) Want to throw a party (and sometimes invite Me?) COOL! Want to play music LOUD? Go ahead, sometimes the neighbors and I do! Have a dozen of your friends over for a BBQ! Have two dogs in the backyard, or in the house! I don’t care, as long as you clean up your (and your pet’s) messes! NO Rednecks, or Crybabies or if you didn’t vote for Obama, DON’T apply! All other COOL people can write me, the coolest person with the coolest ideas and best written reply AND you have at least $500-$600 cash to throw in (first/last months), may win! House is for sale as well, ($10K cash asis) but I don’t know when it will sell, and I may decide to keep it if you’re cool enough and you may be able to lease to own or something after 6 months of good sharing!
    I ALSO have another LARGE building to rehab with at least 6 apartments in it, so I am taking replies for that as well. (Same kind of deal per apartment).
    The apt. building is for sale too, but at least $50-75K is needed on that place. (open to offers and possibilities). Email me and tell me what you wish an owner would LET you do, and something about who you are, and who knows, you just might win! Peace Out, brothers and sisters!

    You know what amuses me the most about this? That this guy will consider “renting” his house to people who are social outcasts, rude, crude, and socially unacceptable, but won’t consider renting to Goths. In fact, Goths get thrown into the same “uncool” category as rednecks, crybabies and conservatives.

  • YSaC, Vol. 222: Stimulus package needed.

    Help Me… – m4w – 22 (MY pants)

    I am recently laid off from my job and feels like im going no where fast. Im lonely and horny. I would like to find a girl that will give me a bj if it leeds to more that is fine. I just need to get my rocks off. Respond with pics and then I will respond back to you with pics and info. Soooo…..please help me.

    You know the economy is doomed when an unemployed 22-year-old is having trouble finding a girl willing to provide oral services with no strings attached. Back during the Internet Boom, there were free hummers galore. You didn’t even have to ask. Now? How far we have fallen. Oh, the humanity.

  • YSaC, Vol. 214: It’s a good thing the bear wasn’t German.

    Perfect last min. V-day present (BRAND NEW AND STILL IN BOX) – $30

    Vermont Teddy Bear. BRAND NEW AND STILL IN BOX!! Its a cream colored bear with bow tie w a heart in the middle that says “Ti Amo” (that is I love You in French just in case you didnt know) If you were to buy one off the net it would cost more than $50. So if you are still needing a Valentines Day present I have you covered, SHE WILL LOVE IT!!!! You can reach me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or by email.

    214

    That must be how you say I love you in French Prudential, since (as we’ve recently learned), French Prudential furniture is made by a guy named Al Italian.

    Sorry this is a little late to help those of you who were struggling to find gifts. I tried to help you, I really did. I’m sure that a “French”-speaking bear with severed hands would have been exactly the thing you needed.

    Edited to add: Some sleuthing by Courtney reveals that the suck-o-meter goes up to 11 on this one. Apparently the tag doesn’t even say “Ti amo” — it says “¡Te amo!” … which, of course, isn’t French either — it’s “I love you” in Spanish. So somewhere between looking at the bear (presumably sitting in front of her) and typing it in, the poster got the actual words AND the language wrong.

    Sent in by Lecia — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 211: Love is in the air, everywhere you look around …

    On this, the most romantic of days, I bring you some of the people out there who are wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places, including Craigslist.

    Watched the news lately? – 48

    Seeking a lady that is aware of what the future will bring. A survivalist. I would like to find a lady who is under 50 and capable of growing a garden and first aid. A lady that can operate and take care of a horse, tractor, a truck, and an ATV. Must be capable of self-defense! Trapping, reloading and knife sharpening skill is a plus! Looks not too important besides being in good physical shape although big t*ts are a plus. Must currently be self-sufficient! If you have any equipment, send photo and description. We’ll see about the relationship discussion after we get past these requirements. I hope you like the smell of diesel! Smoke or drink, OK. No drugs! Don’t be scared, reply back to me! Criminals, gays and blacks need not apply. Not my flavor

    What flavor are gays? To me, it seems like they’d be minty.

    And you know, if your t*ts are too big, you won’t be able to sharpen knives very well. They also seem like they might be a hindrance in the whole “tractor and ATV” thing.

    All right, ladies, maybe he’s not your type. Let’s try this one:

    Would you like to star in an episode of “Cheaters”? – 26

    Things are nonexistent in the bedroom with my wife. I’m looking to have a little fun, and maybe even my 15 minutes of fame. You could get your 15 minutes too. Not from me, I don’t last that long. I mean on camera. Think of how fun it will be meeting for coffee early in the morning, sneaking away from work or school for a secret “lunch”, and meeting late at night in the parking lot of the Kroger or HEB. All the while, we can play “spot the camera” or “spot the night vision goggles”. If you’re worried about how the wife will react when she sees us fooling around, don’t be. Her wrath will be directed only to me. While I’m getting my ass kicked, you can use that time to pose for the camera or tell your story of how you were the real victim in all this. The only requirement is that you are a woman over 18. I want to be on “Cheaters”, not “To Catch a Predator”.

    Morally corrupt, but not bankrupt. At least the man has ambition.

    No? Wow, you folks are picky. Okay, how about this one?

    29 Guy looking for a good friend – 29

    i like to stay in shape.treat girls to a very nice dinner.i like to do lots of outdorrs things since im a surveyor.i been so many places.i have been to almost every amusment park in the usa and one in tokyo.you name it i done it.i dont have no tatoos and dont drink but will go to clubs.i dont do drugs.i like to keep my bills caught up 2 months ahead.im just looking for some company and a good friend.on another note i do get girls starring at me all the time so you can not get mad if they look but i never cheat and never will thats my moddle.my sis says im to sweet to girls.i just say i want to the girl to feel like a princess when she is with me.i never hit a girl and never will.feel free to email me and ill give you my number and we can talk and if we hit it off just maby you might be dating me.please send me a picture with your email to my email.

    v-day1

    Girls, if you’re lucky, you might be dating him. And his ego. But at least he has a moddle. I had a moddle once, but it got muddled. Once you get your moddle muddled it’s all over.

    All right, gentlemen, all right, I hear you saying, “But what about us? Help us out in the romance department too!” Ask, and ye shall receive. For you, I have selected this fine young thang:

    Looking for love, in the world… of warcraft – 18

    I am 5’9, green eyes, have dirty blone hair, 110 pounds, full c cups, and an applebottom ass. I enjoy world of warcraft and rap music. Looking for a cool and funny guy with atleast a level 80 World of Warcraft toon. If you wanna hook up send me a pic and a link to your armory page.

    She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it.

    And in the spirit of inclusivity (unlike our first potential love match):

    To The Girl Whose Vagina I Saw – w4w

    Hey baby, I saw your vagina at my house once.
    Ditch my brother and get with me 😉
    I’m only a room away, you know where to find me!

    v-day2

    This was posted under “Missed Connections.” I always thought lesbian mating rituals involved cats, not piglets. But hey, that’s a really nice carpet; I wonder if it matches the drapes.

    So there you go, folks; a cornucopia of romantic possibilities. No need to thank me: I’m a matchmaker at heart. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Thanks to the submitters: jwc, trueredtx, Lesley, and Kim.