YSaC, Vol. 286: Oh, the …

2009 April 29
by drmk

$500 Seeking Sane Straight White Male Roommate


I am seeking a sane, white straight male roommate anywhere in the San Diego area. I will place rent in your hand every month, without fail, every month I will do this. In return I need a room in which I can have some peace and quite and get at the very least 8 hours of sleep at night. I sleep at night. I am a white, 36 year old straight white male. Here are the absolute necessities you need to know about me, I’m educated, ex-military, clean cut and very neat. I have a 125 IQ. I am an avid reader. I don’t use drugs of any kind. Coffee is my vice. I do not smoke. I am not wanted by the law. I am not married. I’ve never been married, don’t believe in it (Consult www.nomarriage.com for more data). I do not have children (I bring news of freedom!). I do not use prostitutes, however, I do date North American women from time to time out of pure necessity because of the available dating pool, no worries, for my own physical, financial and legal security I make absolutely certain it never lasts and I rarely bring them into the house. I do not have pets, but I do like all animals, except small monkeys, they tear things up on purpose, bite, deficate on things and generally act like North American women. They’re just weird. Most important I have $500 rent money to place in your hand on the first of the month, every month until Jesus, Buddah, Allah, Vishnu, Shiva, Jonathon Smith, Shangdi, Rama, Yahweh, Mohammad or whatever invisible man you pray to returns for the rent you think you owe him, or you want a different roommate. I will place the rent directly in your hand on the first of every month, unless I am dead or in a comma, in which case I will have it placed in your hand by one of my associates. I will also supply you with copies of my IDs and birth certificate upfront. A common scam now on Craigslist is that women who have run their husbands or boyfriends off and have a large rent or mortgage are auditioning boyfriends and potential husbands under the guise of the “roommate” needed posting on Craigslist. Nice try trying to kill two birds with one stone ladies, but the gig is up. Twice now I’ve moved in with a woman so we could be roommates, when they learn I don’t want to date them, marry them or sleep with them, then the deal is off and I’m out part of rent and/or a deposit. It was literally not within their sphere of capabilities to have rent placed in their hands and then leave me alone. I even had a female roommate one time that I did make the mistake of sleeping with and because of that, and the fact that I’m not fired up on the idea of marriage and kids, yep, I had to go. No win situation with these North American Gals. New rule: No more women roommates. I enjoy drinking a couple of beers on the weekend, some wine, and I like classical music and smooth jazz. My aim is simple, I want a roommate that will allow me to sleep at night and go to work and to the beach. I love to hang out at the beach and surf. I have NO drama in my life. It was years in the making but I finally achieved it. I will impinge NO drama on you and I expect the same in exchange for rent. If this sounds like a workable deal to you then contact me. If I have to put up with your insane girlfriend or her insane friends or an ex-wife harrassing you at the front door at 2 AM, or you chain smoke in the house or apartment, drop LSD or smoke dope and talk about the time you navigated an experimental spacecraft for NASA over the mediteranian in order to fight off alien invaders, or the time you survived a full on fire fight in Vietnam, or cry about your ex, or you want to convert me to any kind of Judeo-Christian religion in order to ensure your, or my, eternal place in paradise, or you are on anti-depreasants of any kind, you’re going through a nasty divorce, you’re gay or bi-sexual, federal agents are seeking you out for something you did 20 years ago, you’re into midget porn, you want to involve me in any kind of pyramid scheme or multi-level marketing scheme to assist in supporting the kids you get to see twice a year and make a little money on the side for myself; I have plenty of money to support my lifestyle, and plenty of things to work on that keep me busy, thanks, if you want me to be a guest speaker at your Alcoholics Anonymous wednesday night meeting, or attend your bi-monthly “Survivors of Throat Cancer” support group with you, attend church services with you, I mean anything that is indicitive of any kind of weird self-created drama that I will have to experience myself at one time or another as a result of renting a room in your home, other than the normal arbitrary nonsense life throws at us guys, then NO DEAL. I am NOT jumping on any bandwagons with you and I will never ask you to either. I WILL clean up after myself, take the trash out, keep the place clean and keep the noise down, be gone during normal business hours most days, in fact there may be many days that pass that you do not even see me, this was a concern to my female roommates for some reason, but If I did some work from home for a day or two, that was a concern as well, you follow? Most important and most overlooked…. I will pay you rent on the 1st of every month. I don’t do deposits, been burned twice now by women. These women think they are running apartment complexes with benefits. If you have a deposit, consider my deposit to you for you getting such a great solid roommate $5 higher than yours, so you owe me 5 bucks right off the bat and I’ll take that off my first months rent. No deposit, no problem and you don’t owe me that 5 spot. I don’t do contracts either, you are not a corporation, neither am I. If I wanted a contract I would get an overpriced apartment downtown on my own. That way, the day you decide you don’t want a roommate or that you are moving , or I decide I need to go live on an island, grow a beard and drink coconut milk to survive then I can leave without any…. you guessed it, drama. I am not 17 years old, I do not punch holes in the walls, set fires in the living room or conduct down range target practice with BB guns in the kitchen while you are at work so no need for a deposit. I pay you rent on arrival, I keep paying rent every month on the 1st, we’re both happy. The day I do not pay you rent that I owe you, you have my express permission to place all of my belongings in a neat pile in your backyard or street and light them on fire, except for my wetsuit and surfboard, I’ll need those, call me on my cell phone first though as I will bring it to you ASAP and place it without any detour into your hand. I want to work, sleep, make money, produce and go to the beach and enjoy life on the west coast. Let me close by further clarifying the word roommate for us both. Room.Mate /ˈrumˌmeɪt, ˈrʊm-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [room-meyt, room-] Show IPA -noun: a person who is assigned to share or shares a room or apartment with another or others. Origin: 1780–90, Americanism; room + mate. Now put that definition into your own words, use it in some sentences until you feel you have a firm grasp of it and lastly look up the derivation of the word in a dictionary so you can see it’s original meaning from Late to Modern Latin. It seems I am the last of a dying breed folks, I know there are other North American Men left out there like me that need or want a good solid roommate. Let me hear from you. Thanks – John xxx.xxx.xxxx or email at xxx_xxxxx_xxxxxxx@hotmail.com

I’d say something witty, but I think he used up all the words. It’s rather a lot of drama to explain that he’s not into drama, isn’t it? And this is just the “absolute necessities” that you need to know about him … imagine what else there is!

This is my favorite part:

“I do not have pets, but I do like all animals, except small monkeys, they tear things up on purpose, bite, deficate on things and generally act like North American women. They’re just weird.”

Just your daily dose of misogyny and homophobia, with a wee bit of racism thrown in for good measure. But at least he isn’t into drama.

65 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 April 29
    Morgan permalink

    I think he left something out-
    does he pay the rent on the first of the month??

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 April 29

      I had the same question.

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 April 29
        Linnee permalink

        And if so, where will he put it?

        Adores: 3
        • 2009 April 29
          Tony Paul permalink

          Like, what if I don’t HAVE hands?

          Adores: 13
  2. 2009 April 29
    Courtney permalink

    What if I (provided I were this straight, white, male roommate) wanted the rent placed on the kitchen table… does it HAVE to go into my hand? Or can I just have an extra dollar for each time he said that?

    Adores: 2
  3. 2009 April 29
    blake permalink

    Wow, isn’t Adolph here a prize pick of a roommate.
    He really needs a cave somewhere so that he can be a hermit in silence and not have to have any human contact.
    “avid reader”. god knows what crazy stuff he is reading based on that website.

    As a (white north american) dude, this guy has some serious woman issues. He bashes women while admitting he dates them, and cant understand why his female “roommates” keep thinking they’re dating, but admits he may sleep with them. There’s definitely something sketchy about his relationship with these last 3 ladies he’s lived with.

    The constant use of “North American” and “North American women” bashing seems odd since it’s 3 fairly different countries. It makes me wonder which was the Non-North American country he’s been to that the women seemed so perfect.

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 April 29
      Jon. permalink

      Based on the disgusting information at the web site he mentions (I’m not going to risk boosting their Google rank by repeating their url!), he seems to be referring to the idea that NA men should “import” wives from another country. That web site promotes that kind of thing and claims that such wives are more submissive and “acceptable”. Pig.

      Adores: 5
  4. 2009 April 29
    corn flakes permalink

    ” I am the last of a dying breed folks”
    I really hope so.

    Maybe the problems are because being almost 40 years old is kinda old to still be having roommates.

    Adores: 9
  5. 2009 April 29

    Ok, where exactly will he be placing the rent? I only ask because I know that some people only want it directly in their hand.

    Adores: 2
  6. 2009 April 29
    Colleen in MA permalink

    “…unless I am dead or in a comma, in which case I will have it placed in your hand by one of my associates.

    That last part gave me the chills. Does that mean there’s more of them out there?

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 April 29
      Brian permalink

      that kinda scared me as well… it makes me imagine a mafia-type guy who has a bunch of “business associates” who talk about things like “sleeping with the fishes” (as long as they aren’t North American fishes?)

      and how big does a comma need to be to get a person stuck in it?

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 April 30
        woofless permalink

        His “associates”….I’m more picturing the San Fransisco chapter of White Power Skinheads.

        Which, as one can only assume given the very diverse population of SF, is two other guys with full heads of hair who are entirely afraid to admit they’re Nazi skinheads. And once a month they meet in one guy’s mother’s basement and talk about how much they can’t stand non-white & non-straight individuals.

        Not too scary, LOL. However I am having a good time picturing this guy trapped inside a gigantic plastic sculpture of a comma. Modern art piece entitled: Racist, Punctuated.

        Adores: 8
        • 2009 April 30
          woofless permalink

          Whoops. I meant San Diego. Oh well. Population’s even more diverse down there. LOL.

          Adores: 0
  7. 2009 April 29
    Jaye permalink

    I’m betting he’s Canadian.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 April 29

      Purely because I need to believe he lives elsewhere, I’m going with the assumption that the “ex-military” description means he’s American. Also, he wants a roommate in the “San Diego area”. Now off to act weird and fling some feces. It’s a full day.

      Adores: 5
      • 2009 April 29
        drmk permalink

        I know, I don’t know how I’m going to find the time to watch my midget porn!

        Adores: 2
        • 2009 April 30
          Jackie permalink

          The midget porn part made me wonder whether he’s seen ads from a guy I know. He intentionally writes really weird ads on Craigslist for his own amusement, but apparently he is genuinely into midget porn.

          Adores: 0
  8. 2009 April 29

    What if he’s in a comma? Or an exclamation point?

    Or does exclamation point indicate drama?

    Interrobangs?

    Adores: 4
  9. 2009 April 29
    corn flakes permalink

    I want to be in an Interrobang. It sounds sexy.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 April 30
      drmk permalink

      I really need to figure out how to do a “featured comment” thing.

      Adores: 0
  10. 2009 April 29
    Becci permalink

    Ooh, a homophobic, misogynistic 36 year old who lacks a basic sense of empathy and can’t form any kind of permanent relationship with women, men, or children? And I can have him as my ROOMMATE? Where do I sign up?

    I love that he clearly thinks he’s a genius, but he managed to misspell anti-depressants, coma, defecate, indicative, and Mediterranean…and probably a few other things.

    Oh my lord, I just realized that I might know this guy. Seriously.

    Oh my

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 April 29
      Becci permalink

      Dammit, sorry for that final “oh my” there; I couldn’t see the bottom of the textbox and brilliantly assumed I knew what I was writing.

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 April 29

      Don’t feel bad. I think this asshat just moved out of my house….

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 May 1
        Tonya permalink

        Damn, and right before rent day too!

        Adores: 2
  11. 2009 April 29

    I was looking for a sane, white male in his 30’s to be my roommate, but I just don’t think I’m up to his standards. Sorry, man, I guess I’m not good enough to allow you to live in my house??? Backwards thinking: He’s doing it right.

    Adores: 1
  12. 2009 April 29
    specialkt permalink

    i’d like to know where hes getting away with 500 a month in rent

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 April 29
      Courtney permalink

      For renting a room, you can. I was just paying $600 (plus utils) in a 50/50 split and I have cats. It was an older building. It can be done, especially if you’re not in the city or an upscale ‘burb. That’s actually the only part of the ad that didn’t leave me with that “WTF?” feeling.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 April 29
        corn flakes permalink

        Yeah, i was paying 500 (utilities included) for a bedroom and a half bath. But it was southeast US, so it’s a little cheaper.

        I still dont see why he doesn’t find a studio apartment somewhere desolate and quiet. He can probably afford it with all the money he’s saving by not dating you feces-throwing-North American-monkey-women.

        Adores: 6
        • 2009 April 30
          woofless permalink

          I live in South Dakota and I pay $375 a month for a recently renovated 3 bedroom 2 bath house, 2 car garage on about 3 acres….and that’s about normal for around here.

          Seems to me with this guy’s line of thinking he’d do better to live somewhere out in the Dakotas or Wyoming. Unfortunately we’ve got more than our fair share of xenophobic white guys with issues. But I won’t share too much for fear he might actually read this & add another to the population….

          Adores: 0
  13. 2009 April 29
    corn flakes permalink

    When has this guy been hanging out with monkeys?

    That is an animal that i haven’t been in enough social situations to have a positive or negative feeling about.

    Adores: 1
  14. 2009 April 29

    He sounds like fun.

    Adores: 0
  15. 2009 April 29
    SomeBlondeChick permalink

    Hey, I was wondering what my ex-husband was up to! He’s as much fun in person, really.

    I know all you single North American Women are devastated this isn’t listed in personals, but believe, he’s way too good for us all.

    Adores: 1
  16. 2009 April 29
    Count Blah permalink

    This is all so very “doth protest too much”. I, too, am a hater of drama, and this guy’s obvious emotional baggage scares the hell outta me. ‘Course, I’m a poo-flinging North American chick.

    And if he has “plenty of money” to support his lifestyle, why doesn’t he cut back on this so-called “lifestyle” a bit so he can afford to get his own place?

    Adores: 4
  17. 2009 April 29
    SomeBlondeChick permalink

    I was wondering where my ex-husband was……..

    I do feel sorry for all you other single North American women who have read this – it’s not listed in personals, so he must not be looking. ~sigh~ Another dream crushed.

    Adores: 0
  18. 2009 April 29

    tl;dr.

    Hi!

    Adores: 1
  19. 2009 April 29
    Prudence Jourdan permalink

    “Unless I am… in a comma.”

    Adores: 0
  20. 2009 April 29
    Julia permalink

    I like how the crazy kind of disguises the fact that he’s refusing to pay a deposit or sign a lease. Sneaky!

    Adores: 0
  21. 2009 April 29
    kristen55 permalink

    Actually he could put any damn thing he wanted towards the end. I thought I was really making progress until I realized I wasn’t even half way through! Anyone who would get more than 20 lines into that and still be willing to rent to him deserves what they get. Can’t say they weren’t warned!

    Adores: 1
  22. 2009 April 30
    Amaia permalink

    I love that if he doesn’t pay his rent, you can put his belongings in a “neat pile” and then light them on fire–but not his wetsuit and surfboard, because he *needs* those.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 April 30
      Courtney permalink

      He didn’t say I couldn’t *sell* the wetsuit and surfboard – because I *need* his rent money that was not placed in my hand on the first of the month. Oh, wait, again I’m not this straight, white, non-monkey-owning male with a room for rent and a complete lack of good judgment. I’m feeling quite fortunate today.

      Adores: 1
  23. 2009 April 30
    Amy H. permalink

    Ahhh, so fun. He seems a bit redundant and tends to repeat himself as well. I can NOT believe I managed to read every word of that OMGTOTALWALLOFINSANETEXT

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 August 14
      ash permalink

      I couldn’t agree more. That’s 2 minutes of my life that I cannot take back. *wahhhh*

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 August 15
        Amy permalink

        only took you 2 minutes? impressive!

        Adores: 0
  24. 2009 April 30
    woofless permalink

    “It seems I am the last of a dying breed folks”

    And I don’t think I’ve ever read a single sentence on Craigslist that has made me happier. And think; with lack of a desire to marry and/or reproduce, in about 30-40 years this “breed” might be extinct!

    *applause*

    Adores: 8
  25. 2009 April 30

    So I think this means he’s such a great roomie that you should take five dollars off his rent just for him being a peach of a guy. But, fret not since he’ll actually pay that five extra dollars he decided to charge you. You’re welcome.

    “If you have a deposit, consider my deposit to you for you getting such a great solid roommate $5 higher than yours, so you owe me 5 bucks right off the bat and I’ll take that off my first months rent. No deposit, no problem and you don’t owe me that 5 spot.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 April 30
      kristen55 permalink

      So I can charge him a $400 deposit, and just take $5 off the first months rent? Sounds fair enough. Oh, did I mention that was a $405 deposit?

      Adores: 0
  26. 2009 April 30

    Wow. Just wow. At least he won’t be having any children with poo flinging North American women.

    Adores: 0
  27. 2009 April 30

    So he’ll pay the rent the first of the month…but what about utilities?

    Adores: 0
  28. 2009 April 30
    Michelle permalink

    I like how he makes it very clear he is a “white straight white male”.

    You know, as opposed to all those awful black transgendered straight white males. Sheesh. What a fucktard.

    Adores: 1
  29. 2009 May 1

    I love that he’ll pay it unless he’s dead or in a comma. Or brackets, because brackets are really hard to get out of.

    Adores: 4
  30. 2009 May 1
    Sam permalink

    This guy clearly thinks too highly of himself…

    Adores: 0
  31. 2009 May 1
    corn flakes permalink

    I think this is the first post to get 50+ comments.

    Do we all get some sort of prize?
    Or maybe we send a prize to the “white, 36 year old straight white male” for bringing us all together.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 May 1
      drmk permalink

      Nope, the 80s guy one is still winning with 78 comments. (The popular posts sidebar lists the posts with the most comments.)

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 May 1
        corn flakes permalink

        Oh. Sorry, i see it now.
        statement retracted.

        Adores: 0
  32. 2009 May 3
    tardis_stowaway permalink

    Damn, that’s a lot of crazy in one post.

    I wonder if somewhere out there a person exists who is thinking, “This guy looks like a perfect roommate for a straight white male like myself, but I have a monkey! If only I hadn’t chosen a pet that bears so much resemblance to a North American woman!” Also, can prospective roommates make him take an IQ test to verify that claim of 125?

    Adores: 3
  33. 2009 May 4
    Rebecca_J permalink

    My favourite part: “I do not have children (I bring news of freedom!)”
    Who doesn’t like news of freedom? And I like how he lets you know that he’ll have one of his “associates” hand in his rent in the event that he’s in a “comma.”
    I went to the website, looked like your typical men’s rights activist nutbag stuff….I get the impression that “North American women” equals “women who, by the scourge of feminism, are no longer able to be married at 11 and confined to the house for the rest of their childbearing life, after which they would be left on an ice floe.”

    Adores: 7
  34. 2009 May 5
    shhwhisper permalink

    I can’t believe I just read that.

    Adores: 0
  35. 2009 June 17
    Stray permalink

    After reading that link, I’m actually almost certain this guy was the one who made that website. What awfulness :/

    Adores: 0
  36. 2009 June 25
    Kate permalink

    So, commas are apparently trying to trap this gent, but it is the monkeys and the North American women who get the bad rap??

    Then again, I don’t think I want his good opinion.

    Adores: 2
  37. 2009 August 14
    ash permalink

    asshole= /ˈæsˌhoʊl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [as-hohl] Show IPA
    –noun Vulgar. 2. Slang.
    a. a stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
    Origin:
    1350–1400; ME arshole anus; see ass 2 , hole

    Adores: 4
  38. 2009 August 15
    Amy permalink

    Really, he’d be better off homeless with a gym membership for showering. I have an IQ of 135, but since I’m a feces flinging North American monkey woman, am I still smarter than him? I think so, since I give my $500 a month to the mortgage company which, in turn, allows me to live in perfect solitude without the alternative of burning my things.

    Adores: 7
  39. 2009 August 24
    Shark Blank permalink

    Maybe it would be a good thing if he were to be in a comma.

    Adores: 1
  40. 2009 September 24
    Pete permalink

    dude. this guy has watched fight club one too many times.

    Adores: 0
  41. 2010 March 22
    Kristy permalink

    wow i got a creepy feeling this post will make the news when his Roommate finds the eye lids this guy kept as trophies.

    Adores: 2

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