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YSaC, Vol. 335: Who you gonna call?

Written by

drmk

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Oh you didn’t know? (your ass better call somebody)

Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

… and just like fingerprints, there’s a gigantic nationwide database of tongue prints. That’s what the doctors are doing when they press on your tongue with that wooden stick — it’s taking your tongue print, and they are required by law to file those with the federal authorities. You don’t ever see anyone on CSI: Omaha getting identified that way because it’s a SECRET nationwide database, and they don’t want anyone to know it exists. You know, THEY. THEM. THE MAN, who has been keeping everyone down. Except James Brown. He gets up, get on up! Get up, get on up! Get on the scene, yeah, like a sex machine, yeah.

Oh, erm, sorry. Just got done playing that song on Rock Band 2. CAN WE TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE? (Yeah!) TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE? (Yeah!) HIT ME!! (Da DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM!)

Anyway, I’m terribly amused at trying to figure out the backstory behind this post. I think that the culprit got into the poster’s stash of Fun Dip, and left a grape tongue print on the Lik-a-Stik.

Thanks to Pam for the submission!

Comments

39 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 335: Who you gonna call?”

  1. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    I got nothin’.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      But you can Get up! Get on up! …. can’t you?

      1. Colleen in MA Avatar
        Colleen in MA

        Oh, sure! Although, by this time of day (3:00pm) I’m more of a napping machine. Coffee has worn off. Get down! Get on DOWN! Like a zzzzz machine …

  2. Horriblelicenseplates Avatar
    Horriblelicenseplates

    My ass can’t figure it out either. Like fingerprints, every craig’s list crazy person is different.

  3. gas station bathroom Avatar
    gas station bathroom

    I’m guessing it’s an inside joke between poster and the person they’re looking for.

  4. Amy H. Avatar
    Amy H.

    “CSI: Omaha” I laughed so hard my cat left the room 🙂

    1. Hiyame Avatar
      Hiyame

      That is one of the greatest lines I have read in a while. Thanks for making my day!

  5. zombieBlanco Avatar
    zombieBlanco

    I’m unsure about this: having done the crime, is my ass now supposed to drop a dime?

  6. unfortunate names Avatar
    unfortunate names

    i’m going to burn my tounge print off today after work. i don’t want the people in the black helicopters to have another way to track me.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      I think that’s for the best. I’ll meet you in Rio.

  7. SockHead Avatar
    SockHead

    “But officer,” SockHead pleaded pathetically, “how do you know it was me that licked the toad? It could’ve been anyone. Anyone, I tell ya!”

    “Save it for the judge,” the officer snorted. “We got your tongue print on file.”

    Edit: The edit button works! 😀

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Awesome! Thanks!

      And lay off the toads for a while, mmmkay?

  8. Monica Hamburg Avatar
    Monica Hamburg

    My ass isn’t allowed make calls any longer. It used to take qualudes and dial people at wee hours of the morning and I had to put a stop to that.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Your ass made booty calls?

      1. Monica Hamburg Avatar
        Monica Hamburg

        Well, you know, an ass’ gotta do what an ass’ gotta do.

    2. Lola Avatar
      Lola

      Your ass can actually use the phone? I’m impressed with its talent. Mine has no limbs, digits or talent (aside from getting bigger) that would assist it in telephonic communication.
      … Which is probably for the best for all concerned.

      The James Brown reference is making me think of the film of “The Commitments” … “I’m black and I’m proud!”

  9. Middlerun Avatar
    Middlerun

    “Oh, you didn’t know? Your ass better call somebody!” is something the WWF wrestler Road Dogg used to say over the entrance music of his tag team New Age Outlaws. I don’t remember him ever talking trash to his opponents about tongue prints, but then I haven’t watched wrestling since I was a kid, so maybe I missed that episode.

    1. corn flakes Avatar
      corn flakes

      I caught that too.
      It really scared me.
      I don’t trust anyone who still uses a wrestling catch phrase from the 1990’s.
      (unless it’s old Macho Man Randy Savage Slim Jim commercials)

      1. Gridlock Avatar
        Gridlock

        hoooooooooo yeah.

  10. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    Maybe he hit it and quit it.

  11. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
    Dave and Ferret Tribe

    But is everyone’s ass print different? Your tongue better call somebody.

  12. LimeLolly Avatar
    LimeLolly

    No… I didn’t know, and please don’t call my parole officer. My ass made it safely back in one piece, and no harm done. I swear!

  13. "Lyle" Avatar
    “Lyle”

    You know, the fact that sparky was probably licking paint in order to get a good look at his tongue print in order to determine that it is unique explains a whole hell of a lot.

    1. LimeLolly Avatar
      LimeLolly

      Especially those pretty swirly balloon thoughts…

    2. Addicted Reader Avatar
      Addicted Reader

      That owl is kinda scary.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Really, AR? I find them disapproving. Like they are saying, Pigeon, Please.

  14. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    Tongue Print is Different is IF’s KISS cover band.

  15. CoffDrop Avatar
    CoffDrop

    Ass? Life is all about ass! You’re either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, or trying to get a piece of it.

  16. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    My ass is currently confined to a big-ass tank, and the phone doesn’t reach that far. So, no, my ass better not call somebody.

  17. Smedley Avatar
    Smedley

    This is a fancy way of telling someone to sit down.
    You know, so they will butt-dial somebody.

    Or they want somebody to dial the phone with their tongue…

  18. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    New comments in the box, what could go wrong with an owl and a bunch of ferrets in there?

    1. SisterLyle Avatar
      SisterLyle

      If my owl-pellets come out suspiciously ferret colored tomorrow, I’ll have no idea what you’re talking about.

  19. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    *Gets out tongue print dusting kit*

    Hmm, this print seems to be from the infamous Swedish lickawates walltrus-sucka.

  20. SpaceBug Avatar
    SpaceBug

    Get thee on the ass-hotline
    hot-ass line?

    1. SisterLyle Avatar
      SisterLyle

      It’s a hot ass-line!

  21. David:) Avatar
    David:)

    Good to know dear sparky…

    When I suspect that you took the cookie from the cookie jar I guess I will make sure to get the cops to check for tongue prints.

    Or maybe I should just call you, since you ask me to butt-dial “somebody”.

  22. Addicted Reader Avatar
    Addicted Reader

    Uncle Google says that Sparky is correct about everyone having a unique tongue print. I guess my ass better start dialing.

    1. LimeLolly Avatar
      LimeLolly

      For some reason I hear Sean Kingston’s ‘Fire Burning’.

      Somebody call 9-1-1!

  23. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Good Punchity Punch Punch, Lyle and Dave!

    Here’s your night, Mr. Brown!

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