You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: speeling prolbems

  • YSaC, Vol. 367: The one with the sperm.

    i wont to sell my sperm – 25

    hight 6’4”
    weight 290 lbs
    eyes green
    hair dirty blond
    no helth problems in family
    decient lookin young man in need of
    a little cash do to hard times i have three
    beautie kids now will send a pic only if really interrested
    if you decide to make a purches 200$ per cup
    no inter corse required donation will be provided in a cup at your choice of location
    100 when we meet the the other 100 after you geet the goods contact me at xxxxxxxx_56@yahoo.com
    thanx and have a good day

    Megs sends this in, saying, “Who wouldn’t ‘wont’ to spend $200 to ‘geet the goods’ from this guy?”

    I don’t know … the asking price might be a little high, especially considering this offer:

    sperm donor – 30

    I would like to offer my hepl to you get a baby.

    I dont need sex I only want to help.

    5 years without alcohol 4 no tobacco.

    healtly. and so handsome.

    if you want I send you a pic.

    anyway I want only to help.

    my dream is to be father this mean that Im open to a relationship.

    get married and every thing about love.

    thanks.

    He’s willing to offer his hepl to get me a baby. And here I thought we only had HepA through HepG — he has a flavor of hepatitis that hasn’t even been DISCOVERED yet!

    And then there’s this:

    Lets get pregnant!

    I want at least 20 kids, all under one roof, so don’t be the jealous type, one women couldn’t do that, even if she could it’d take 20 years, unless she used in-vetro to have multiple, multiple births, which I would never let happen with my sperm. My sperm will be planted in someone who is all natural and will be birthed naturally(if all goes well), then breast fed for 2 years, preferably on a homestead out in the country.

    You’re right; one woman couldn’t do that. Even the Duggar family only managed 18 kids in 24 years. Slackers.

    But you, with your magical sperm and multiple all natural baby machines, will almost certainly be able to create a farm full of infants that you will raise to create run-on, comma-spliced sentences in your image. If all goes well, that is. After all, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?

  • YSaC, Vol. 364: It’s a crock, all right.

    FROGS FROGS FROGS!!!!

    HELLO ! =)

    I HAVE 4 TREE FROGS (THEY ALL CROCK)

    3 OF THEM ARE DUMPY WHITE TREE FROGS AND THE OTHER ONE IS A RED LEGED TREE FROG

    I WAS HIDING THEM FROM MY PARENTS AND THEY COUGHT ME SO NOW THEY HAVE TO GO =(

    THERE GREAT EATERS , THEYRE REALLY HEALTHY,AND SUPER EASY TO TAKE CARE OF

    THEY LOVE KRICKES AND BEING IN THE WATER BOWL

    THEYER REALLY FRIENDLY LIKE TO BE CARRIED

    THEYRE REHOMING FEE IS $21 EACH

    THERE AS BIG AS YOUR PALM OF YOUR HAND

    Today’s lesson: statistics.

    Let’s say you have three forms of a word that sound the same but are spelled differently and mean different things. I don’t know, let’s say those words are there, they’re, and their.

    Now let’s say that you write something that uses those words five times. What are the chances, if you use one of the three different spellings randomly each time, that you will get the proper word in the proper place completely by accident at least once? (The answer is, of course, 1 out of 3 — each time you choose a word at random, there’s a 33.33% chance that it was the right one.)

    Let’s add in an additional complication, just for fun: let’s say that you aren’t content with just the existing (and correct) three forms of the homonym, and you decide to add in your own incorrect version of the word, theyer. Now what do you think the chances are of getting the right version of the word in the proper place at least once is? (The answer is, of course, 1 out of 4, or 25%.)

    Okay, okay. Let’s move on and do a different type of problem. Let’s say that you have four frogs, all of which apparently are capable of enlarging their vocal sacs to act as a resonant chamber for the air being pushed through their larynx. Let’s say that you’re keeping them in your house. What do you think the chances are that your parents will not be able to identify this sound and its location?

    Given those odds, and the spelling in the rest of this ad (crock? leged? cought? krickes?), for bonus points: What time will Train A arrive in Chicago?

    Thanks for the submission, Kim!

    Also: Be sure to check out the update I posted late last night, just below this post. It’s a dramatic adaptation of an earlier spambot posting done by a reader, and it’s fantastic.

  • YSaC, Vol. 362: Bonus points for an alexandrine.

    free bike

    free bike it wokes nice
    giving out to any1
    cant ride no more

    This is, disappointingly, one syllable (and one profound meaning) short of a haiku.

    I think more people should write their Craigslist ads in poetic meters. Imagine reading ads in iambic tetrameter:

    The dainty water fountain and
    The graceful neck of swans aloft
    Conceal the greater truth since it’s
    A lamp with dolphins, damn it all.

    And speaking of the rare dolphin-swan lamp-fountain, Althea sent me an email pointing out that the “swan fountain” had been recently relisted with the exact same text (and same price). Obviously they would have had more success selling it if they used my quatrain above.

    Bike post sent in by atomic cate — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 360: The problem is you have to count to 4.

    Brand new Tamporeen for sale! – $5

    Brand new Tamporeen for sale! In perfect condition! Contact Kelly xxx-xxxx if interested

    360

    Legend has it that Hemingway was once asked to write a story in six words. The result was “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Somehow “Brand new tamporeen for sale!” isn’t quite as evocative as Hemingway’s missive, although it’s very sad to contemplate the possibility that Kelly couldn’t even get the role of the talentless girlfriend in the band right. (And that’s saying something. Even Linda McCartney played that role well.)

    Thanks for the submission, Rob!

  • YSaC, Vol. 358: It’s because he’s an ass.

    Sara and khs sent in these two posts separately, but they turn out to tell a beautiful story about a man and his … donkey.

    man needs good home – 31

    my name is josh i just got kicked out of my house me and the old lady just split up i have noware to go and to top that off i am on house arrest 4 child support so all i need is a home phone that house arrest people can call and make shure that i am there.i also need 70 a week to keep up on my child support .i put the ball in your court.i am easy to git along with and love children.so please some body out there you can keep me out of jail and at the very least you would have made a good friend.I would not be posting this add if i had any where elce to go besides jail.i am a good handy man and can do about any thing so please email or hit me up at [spelled out phone number] i have until tonight to git some where i know its a lot to drop on someone but trust me its worth it i know there is some way that i will be able to help u.call and i’ll tell u y they call me donkey waiting by the phone

    thank you

    ps can shave if u don’t like that josh aka[donkey]

    358a

    Translation: I’m a deadbeat dad and I’m looking for someone who will let me live with them for free and pay my back child support for me.

    Somewhat unsurprisingly, this strategy seems not to have worked for our friend “donkey”, as this post appeared a few days later:

    your last chance – 31

    here it is i do not care about looks someone needs a man around the house and i am that man i am strait forward and will tell u if u will git any ,i need a place right now so if you are cool anough i can dio any thing work on cars what ever u need drywall to carprt i am on house aresst just the call in someone call to make shure i am home if any thing you would have made a good friend so i guess hit me up if u need a man or just a dude i will only need a place 4 a month or 2 unless i realy like u witch you will know i am strait forward

    He will tell me if I will “git” any, and if I’m cool enough he’ll do work around the house for me? I’m sorry, donkey, my good friend, but given your current circumstances, I don’t think those decisions are entirely up to you. Now put on that frilly apron that looks so nice with your ankle monitor, and dance for my amusement.

  • YSaC, Vol. 356: Edjoocashun is four loosers.

    Need Your HomeWork Done

    Do you know that your kids are failing a class because they don’t do there homework. Well now you can gett help from us. We do all kinds of home work. We specialize in math, history, and many more subgects
    email us for more information

    Mich sends this one in, saying, “I shur hope one of there subgects is English becuase thats were I need to gett help and I can see there good at it.”

    Clearly your kid’s problems in school will go away if you simply have someone else do their homework for them. Because, you know, kids are never tested on things they learn by doing their homework. Or maybe these people have mastered the art of learning by osmosis — they do the homework, and your kid somehow magically learns what the capital of Paraguay is.

    And, of course, these things are never alone:

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