You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 367: The one with the sperm.

Written by

drmk

in

i wont to sell my sperm – 25

hight 6’4”
weight 290 lbs
eyes green
hair dirty blond
no helth problems in family
decient lookin young man in need of
a little cash do to hard times i have three
beautie kids now will send a pic only if really interrested
if you decide to make a purches 200$ per cup
no inter corse required donation will be provided in a cup at your choice of location
100 when we meet the the other 100 after you geet the goods contact me at xxxxxxxx_56@yahoo.com
thanx and have a good day

Megs sends this in, saying, “Who wouldn’t ‘wont’ to spend $200 to ‘geet the goods’ from this guy?”

I don’t know … the asking price might be a little high, especially considering this offer:

sperm donor – 30

I would like to offer my hepl to you get a baby.

I dont need sex I only want to help.

5 years without alcohol 4 no tobacco.

healtly. and so handsome.

if you want I send you a pic.

anyway I want only to help.

my dream is to be father this mean that Im open to a relationship.

get married and every thing about love.

thanks.

He’s willing to offer his hepl to get me a baby. And here I thought we only had HepA through HepG — he has a flavor of hepatitis that hasn’t even been DISCOVERED yet!

And then there’s this:

Lets get pregnant!

I want at least 20 kids, all under one roof, so don’t be the jealous type, one women couldn’t do that, even if she could it’d take 20 years, unless she used in-vetro to have multiple, multiple births, which I would never let happen with my sperm. My sperm will be planted in someone who is all natural and will be birthed naturally(if all goes well), then breast fed for 2 years, preferably on a homestead out in the country.

You’re right; one woman couldn’t do that. Even the Duggar family only managed 18 kids in 24 years. Slackers.

But you, with your magical sperm and multiple all natural baby machines, will almost certainly be able to create a farm full of infants that you will raise to create run-on, comma-spliced sentences in your image. If all goes well, that is. After all, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?

Comments

42 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 367: The one with the sperm.”

  1. mark Avatar
    mark

    Number one seems like a good deal – $200 for a whole cup! I wonder how long it takes him to produce a cup’s worth?

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      At no time does he promise the cup will be full. 8)

      1. kristen55 Avatar
        kristen55

        Just the thought of a CUP of sperm made me almost lose my breakfast

        1. cleaseltheweasel Avatar
          cleaseltheweasel

          You probably should never hang out at The Internet Is Terrible, then.

      2. jackie31337 Avatar
        jackie31337

        Yes, but how full it seems will depend on whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist.

        1. Cory Avatar
          Cory

          He seems like a generous guy, so I would be inclined to say that “his cup runneth over.”

          Ugh…I just grossed myself out with that one.

  2. Canaduck Avatar
    Canaduck

    “no helth problems in family”

    I don’t know–I consider a lack of a functioning brain to be a pretty serious “helth” problem.

  3. cleaseltheweasel Avatar
    cleaseltheweasel

    “My sperm will be planted in someone who is all natural and will be birthed naturally(if all goes well), then breast fed for 2 years, preferably on a homestead out in the country.”

    I. Hate. Hippies.

    1. vickie Avatar
      vickie

      that’s not hippie…that’s insanity!

    2. Laughingrat Avatar
      Laughingrat

      Sounds a lot more like a whacked-out fundamentalist, really.

    3. mudslicker Avatar
      mudslicker

      I hear ya Eric Cartman!

    4. Steph Avatar
      Steph

      Why two years? I was eating solid food looooong before then, and I was my parents’ first child; they had no idea what they were doing.

      And if this guy wants twenty kids, all born naturally, SHOOT HIM. For the sake of the woman he wants to get pregnant, SHOOT HIM. Give the poor woman an epidural, for God’s sake!

      Oh, oww… owwwww…

  4. jean Avatar
    jean

    Number 3 sounds like Dwight Schrute. 😀

    1. Jimakaphil Avatar
      Jimakaphil

      Haha that’s great he totally does. If only the guy that played Dwight read this website and posted his own dramatic reading of that. I think my head might explode.

      1. drmk Avatar
        drmk

        Rainn Wilson hangs out on Twitter quite a bit. He’s @rainnwilson. Just sayin’.

    2. cleaseltheweasel Avatar
      cleaseltheweasel

      Bwahahaha! It totally does sound like Dwight. Here I was picturing some dirty bearded psycho out to start another Manson Family.

      I don’t know which is worse.

  5. daMamma Avatar
    daMamma

    Okay, I’m thinking a bare minimum requirement in any sperm donor would be at least two active brain cells. That these two cells occasionally bump into one another to create something that might resemble actual thought would be good. Actual intelligence would be a plus.

    Guy number 3 is just way too full of himself. rofl!

  6. casualencounters.com/blog/ Avatar
    casualencounters.com/blog/

    Who wouldn’t want to have a child with a giant, fat, destitute idiot.

    1. frankiedudeL Avatar
      frankiedudeL

      HAHAHAHAHAHAAA

  7. Meghan K Avatar
    Meghan K

    So, a few years ago I was sent a link to a website that this very strange guy made. He was looking for the exact same thing as the 3rd post, but gave a lot more info. He had lawn mowing business and was a total catch. He wanted 20+ kids with 2+ women. The women were only allowed to participate in the rearing of the 20+ kids if they passed muster. He also included “sexy” pictures of himself in classic pinup poses. It was very unnerving to think that there might a woman out there desperate enough to have a kid that she might procreate with this guy.

    1. corn flakes Avatar
      corn flakes

      I’m not a big fan of children or breeders, but I wonder why anyone would want 20 children.
      Slave labor? A militia so they can secede from the country, the ability to have 2 full baseball teams to play each other?

      1. Steph Avatar
        Steph

        Totally for the baseball teams.

  8. Count Blah Avatar
    Count Blah

    What the first guy apparently forgets is that women looking for sperm donors usually want someone *smart*. Why, oh why didn’t he get a friend to proofread his ad–and, perhaps, tell him that sperm can’t live indefinitely in a room-temperature cup?

    1. Geigergirl Avatar
      Geigergirl

      Friend? FRIEND??? I’d have thought if this guy has such a thing, his friend’s first job would at the least be to dissuade him from attempting a career as a professional w@nker.

  9. dogface Avatar
    dogface

    Selling sperm on Craigslist = rejected by the sperm bank

    1. corn flakes Avatar
      corn flakes

      That’s what i thought. Why wouldnt these studs go to a sperm bank?
      And what potential mother would just want a red plastic cup full of man sauce, instead of attending a fertility clinic.

      In the end, there’s no demand. I’ve been trying to give mine away for free.

    2. cleaseltheweasel Avatar
      cleaseltheweasel

      You have to be college-educated to sell your sperm legitimately. You know, because diplomas are hereditary.

      1. Count Blah Avatar
        Count Blah

        This is EXACTLY my beef with newspaper ads looking for egg donors. They always specify “college educated” but rarely–if ever–talk about mental or physical health. So, in theory, a paranoid schizophrenic with diabetes and a heart murmur makes damn fine breeding stock, as long as she’s good enough at memorizing facts to have obtained some sort of diploma.

        Yeah, okay, I’m ranting. It’s just that the whole “unschooled=dumb” thing is a huge pet peeve for me.

        1. frankiedudeL Avatar
          frankiedudeL

          the whole “schooled=smart” thing is even worse!

  10. Laughingrat Avatar
    Laughingrat

    I don’t get it. Why doesn’t #3 just title his ad, “Misogynist lackwit needs breeder-slaves to populate creepy fundamentalist compound”? Doesn’t he know that we ladies prefer honesty?

  11. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    Warning: Math
    1 teaspoon per ejaculate.
    48 teaspoons per cup.
    $200 per cup of sperm.
    20 million sperm per ejaculate.
    960,000,000 sperm per cup.
    $200 for a 98.6-degree warm Cup-O-Semen.
    That’s 4,800,000 sperm for $1
    48,000 sperm for 1 cent
    Or 0.00002 cents per sperm (2-hundred-thousandths of a cent)

    But back to the 48 teaspoons. I don’t want photos or videos, but I’d like to see the text of a medical write up when this guy has to visit the doctor after producing 48 successful teaspoons of ejaculate in one sitting. Oh the blisters. The blisters.

    “Ow! Oh HELL! Ow!”
    “That’s 45.”
    “45 is close enough. Lady, I’m in pain here.”
    “You promised me 48. You owe me three more, you big fat idiot.”

    1. Andre Avatar
      Andre

      Who says it was in one sitting?

      He could have a few cups “on hand” (as it were) laying around the house, just waiting for the right woman.

      I hope he doesn’t host too many parties.

  12. Lola Avatar
    Lola

    When I decide to impregnate myself with a total CL stranger who hasn’t gone through any sort of sperm-bank screening, I’m going to want one who can spell and punctuate (as a holder of two degrees in English, I have my priorities). What a shame, too – obviously these men are otherwise fine candidates.

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  14. that frood Avatar
    that frood

    “healthy. and so handsome.”
    I can’t help but imagine him say this in a really evocative voice. Musak playing in the background…
    “I’m healthy, ladies… and SO handsome…”

    1. frankiedudeL Avatar
      frankiedudeL

      hilarious. i immediately pictured a middle eastern or turkish guy. is that wrong?

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  16. HaileyHorror Avatar
    HaileyHorror

    I think #3 either currently is, or should become, a Polygamist.
    20+ children with multiple women?

    Yep. He sounds like the perfect aspiring-Polygamist father.

    That. Or just a total creep who is completely out of his mind, & maybe wants to start his own religion or something…

  17. Zak Orr Avatar
    Zak Orr

    20 kids under one roof huh? At least when theyre all gone he can open a hostel

  18. Tdog Avatar
    Tdog

    Want the litter, no strings. I’m a cat sick of the spikes, your ad sounds great. I can have a litter without that annoying pricky and stuck issue. I have catnip, do you do the ‘nip too and can you bring syringe?

  19. Daniel White Avatar
    Daniel White

    Who in their right mind would put up an ad like that?

    1. TacoMmagic Avatar
      TacoMmagic

      I think you may have answered your own question.

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