You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: ew.

  • YSaC, Vol. 1792: Sithi uhm ingonyama.

    Japanese rickshaw

    Small cellulite rickshaw good condition

    I … ew. I had no idea this was a thing. I wonder if I can get someone to carve something out of my cellulite? You could probably end up with a replica of Michelangelo’s David just from my thighs, and have enough left over for a Lionel Richie bust (which is totally apropos, since it was probably cream cheese dip that created the cellulite in the first place). Ah, the circle of life continues …

    Placenta – $40

    My wife just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I have heard a lot about people taking the placenta and eating it. It really doesn’t sound that good to me, but we are strapped for cash and it is being properly refrigerated. Please email me if you’re interested, the doctor said it should last a few days.

    Gah. No. Also, no. It’s a thing, I get it … but no. And I’m definitely not eating someone else’s. I’m also terrified that my Google history now has the phrase “eating placenta” in it — in all caps, no less, because I accidentally hit the caps lock button so now Google thinks that I REALLY WANT TO TRY eating placenta. No thank you — THAT circle of life is ending.

    Thanks, Lyle and Kristen!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1770: I’m NOT sleeping on a #*%($ Sealy!

    Kit A sends this one:

    free bed all stains 40 years old!

    Free twin box spring and mattress in old stained shape, all stains guaranteed to be over 40 years old. Got a bed wetter this is the free bed for you! Daisy pattern in great shape minus the 40 year old pee stains.
    Put a cover on it for the in-laws stay this holiday they will never know! Smells fine well a little musty from the garage but absolutely no pee smell!
    Will deliver to [location] only!!

    Ah, 40 year old pee stains. That would date them from 1974. 1974 was a good vintage in [location] for pee stains. The 1974 Daisy Pattern is known for having notes of polyester and macrame, with just a hint of cocaine. Definitely worth picking this one up, before the poster puts it up for auction at Christie’s.

  • YSaC, Vol. 1735: Look at the bones!

    Cattle Bones

    Large cattle pelvic bone, some spine, etc. Tired of them lying around. Call first, no texts.

    Darn cattle bones, just lying around. Get a JOB, ya calcified hippies!

    (Thanks Jason!)

  • YSaC, Vol. 1654: Ain’t nothin’ but a guy thang.

    guy thing

    Good one.

    I’m so glad someone has a good guy thing for sale. A good guy thing is hard to find. There’s stiff competition for the biggest ones, and they don’t come around too often.

    Wait, maybe I’m reading this wrong. (In which case, I think I need to take a cold shower.) Maybe it’s a guy THING, not a GUY THING, if you know what I mean. Which I don’t. What kind of THING might a guy want?

    Slightly used fleshlight for sale or trade!

    “Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit” is for sale. I’ve bought it for [amount of foreign currency] 3 months ago but haven’t used it much.
    It’s in great condition! I can trade it with a 500gb or higher capacity external harddisk
    Please only serious guys! Do NOT waste my time!

    *shudder* You know what? Never mind.

    Thanks, Ellen and Maggie!

    DISCLAIMER: If you do not know what a Fleshlight is, do not, under any circumstances, click this link at work.

  • YSaC, Vol. 463: A different use of the “slimy” tag …

    1959 UNOPEND CRISCO – $25 (GILFORD)

    1959 UNOPEND CAN OF CRISCO VEG.SHORTINING WITH THE TWIST KEY STILL ATTCHED
    ASKING 25.00 OR BEST OFFER. EMAIL INQUIRIES TO CANTFLAMExxxxx@YAHOO.COM

    1959 was a very good year for Crisco. It had an excellent growing season, with not too much rain. This 1959 Crisco is drinking well now, and will continue to age well for the next forty to fifty years. The Shortening Enthusiast gives it a 94. Pairs well with cheese, particularly a 60-year Gouda. Good mouth feel, with a slight slime factor on the first taste that is taken over by the final taste of rancid.

    What is it with people on Craigslist and expired Crisco? At least those people weren’t trying to charge actual money for it.

    Thanks, Matt — I don’t think I’ll be eating anything for a while after seeing that.

  • YSaC, Vol. 418: Stain, stain, stain …. stain of fools …

    oversized chair (middlefield)

    This item is free, oversized comfy chair…would be great with a cover, and it’s free!
    415a

    I like how they’re really highlighting the “free” part. Unfortunately, free rhymes with the word I can’t help but thinking of when I look at this chair. That unfortunate linguistic coincidence disinclines me towards taking this chair, regardless of how “great” it would be with a cover. Unless that cover is made of antibacterial latex and is two feet thick, I think I’ll pass, thanks.

    Although, on second thought, it doesn’t look too bad compared to these …
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