You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: unrealistic expectations

  • YSaC, Vol. 235: Because there is no “eam” in T.

    Team mobile cell phone Cheap!! – $30

    I am selling a team mobile cell phone. you could use this as a replacement when yours breaks or lose it. i am only asking $30 big ones. call xxx-xxx-xxxx or email me at redsox[xxxx]@yahoo.com

    That’s right, Sparky. All of the promotional material, all of the commercials with Catherine Zeta-Jones, even the phone itself that you took a picture of — ALL of them have the name of the company wrong, and you are the only one who has gotten it right. It’s Team Mobile. Right.

    Never mind the fact that this phone is an old enough model that I can’t find any reference to it on the T-Mobile page OR the Samsung website, and that you want $30 for it. Or that you refer to dollars as “big ones”. (Or that you’re in New Jersey and have a Red Sox email address. With Yahoo.)

    Go Team Mobile!

    Edited because I forgot to upload the pictures. D’oh!

  • YSaC, Vol. 234: Spring really brings out the crazy in people.

    Most of this ad is behind a cut because it’s long. The devil in this one is in the details, and are there ever details! Be sure to click to read the entire ad.

    Build a new, rational, primitive but free life w/ me in Alaskas wild – m4w – 27

    WHO

    Me:

    – Status: 27 year old single white male. Never married. No children.
    – Physical: 6’0″ tall, 160 pounds. 21 Body Mass Index. No physical handicaps or allergies
    – IQ: 138 (Informally tested)
    – Financial: $4,500 in unsecured debt. $500 in assets
    – Education: High school diploma, Associate’s Degree. No plans for future formal education
    – Religion: Atheist
    – Psychological: Bites finger nails, drinks a little too much, uses pornography more than would like to. Sought treatment for “sex addiction.”
    – Criminal: One arrest (carrying a concealed weapon without the government’s permission).
    – Demeanor: Serious, sensitive, direct, quiet. Myers-Briggs type: INTJ
    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 230: Let my Cameron goooooo ….

    need to barrow a ferrari for date

    dont have too much to barter. i can fix things around your house or make a kick ass meatloaf. just need the ferrai for one night. promise i will try not to get oral sex in it.

    thanks

    Heather sends this in, saying, “They post it in “barter,” yet they admit they have nothing to barter. Oh, and how exactly does one “barrow” a Ferrari? It seems that “barrowing” carries a high chance of oral sex. Hm…”

    The wording of the “promise” is amusing, also. Notice that it’s not, “Promise I will not try to get oral sex in it,” it’s “promise I will try NOT to get oral sex in it.”

    In other words, there’s going to be so many people offering him oral sex that he will have to try really hard to avoid them all.

    This just has “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” written all over it. (Minus Cameron, which is too bad. Cameron is the heart of that movie. Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s about Ferris, but Cameron is the only one who grows as a person and learns anything about himself over the course of the day. Plus it’s Alan Ruck, and he’s just cool.)

    Anyway, for those of you with Ferraris, this young man with nothing to offer you but breaded meat would like to barrow your car, probably take it for a joyride, and try not to get oral sex in it. What could possibly go wrong with this plan?

  • YSaC, Vol. 222: Stimulus package needed.

    Help Me… – m4w – 22 (MY pants)

    I am recently laid off from my job and feels like im going no where fast. Im lonely and horny. I would like to find a girl that will give me a bj if it leeds to more that is fine. I just need to get my rocks off. Respond with pics and then I will respond back to you with pics and info. Soooo…..please help me.

    You know the economy is doomed when an unemployed 22-year-old is having trouble finding a girl willing to provide oral services with no strings attached. Back during the Internet Boom, there were free hummers galore. You didn’t even have to ask. Now? How far we have fallen. Oh, the humanity.

  • YSaC, Vol. 211: Love is in the air, everywhere you look around …

    On this, the most romantic of days, I bring you some of the people out there who are wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places, including Craigslist.

    Watched the news lately? – 48

    Seeking a lady that is aware of what the future will bring. A survivalist. I would like to find a lady who is under 50 and capable of growing a garden and first aid. A lady that can operate and take care of a horse, tractor, a truck, and an ATV. Must be capable of self-defense! Trapping, reloading and knife sharpening skill is a plus! Looks not too important besides being in good physical shape although big t*ts are a plus. Must currently be self-sufficient! If you have any equipment, send photo and description. We’ll see about the relationship discussion after we get past these requirements. I hope you like the smell of diesel! Smoke or drink, OK. No drugs! Don’t be scared, reply back to me! Criminals, gays and blacks need not apply. Not my flavor

    What flavor are gays? To me, it seems like they’d be minty.

    And you know, if your t*ts are too big, you won’t be able to sharpen knives very well. They also seem like they might be a hindrance in the whole “tractor and ATV” thing.

    All right, ladies, maybe he’s not your type. Let’s try this one:

    Would you like to star in an episode of “Cheaters”? – 26

    Things are nonexistent in the bedroom with my wife. I’m looking to have a little fun, and maybe even my 15 minutes of fame. You could get your 15 minutes too. Not from me, I don’t last that long. I mean on camera. Think of how fun it will be meeting for coffee early in the morning, sneaking away from work or school for a secret “lunch”, and meeting late at night in the parking lot of the Kroger or HEB. All the while, we can play “spot the camera” or “spot the night vision goggles”. If you’re worried about how the wife will react when she sees us fooling around, don’t be. Her wrath will be directed only to me. While I’m getting my ass kicked, you can use that time to pose for the camera or tell your story of how you were the real victim in all this. The only requirement is that you are a woman over 18. I want to be on “Cheaters”, not “To Catch a Predator”.

    Morally corrupt, but not bankrupt. At least the man has ambition.

    No? Wow, you folks are picky. Okay, how about this one?

    29 Guy looking for a good friend – 29

    i like to stay in shape.treat girls to a very nice dinner.i like to do lots of outdorrs things since im a surveyor.i been so many places.i have been to almost every amusment park in the usa and one in tokyo.you name it i done it.i dont have no tatoos and dont drink but will go to clubs.i dont do drugs.i like to keep my bills caught up 2 months ahead.im just looking for some company and a good friend.on another note i do get girls starring at me all the time so you can not get mad if they look but i never cheat and never will thats my moddle.my sis says im to sweet to girls.i just say i want to the girl to feel like a princess when she is with me.i never hit a girl and never will.feel free to email me and ill give you my number and we can talk and if we hit it off just maby you might be dating me.please send me a picture with your email to my email.

    v-day1

    Girls, if you’re lucky, you might be dating him. And his ego. But at least he has a moddle. I had a moddle once, but it got muddled. Once you get your moddle muddled it’s all over.

    All right, gentlemen, all right, I hear you saying, “But what about us? Help us out in the romance department too!” Ask, and ye shall receive. For you, I have selected this fine young thang:

    Looking for love, in the world… of warcraft – 18

    I am 5’9, green eyes, have dirty blone hair, 110 pounds, full c cups, and an applebottom ass. I enjoy world of warcraft and rap music. Looking for a cool and funny guy with atleast a level 80 World of Warcraft toon. If you wanna hook up send me a pic and a link to your armory page.

    She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it.

    And in the spirit of inclusivity (unlike our first potential love match):

    To The Girl Whose Vagina I Saw – w4w

    Hey baby, I saw your vagina at my house once.
    Ditch my brother and get with me 😉
    I’m only a room away, you know where to find me!

    v-day2

    This was posted under “Missed Connections.” I always thought lesbian mating rituals involved cats, not piglets. But hey, that’s a really nice carpet; I wonder if it matches the drapes.

    So there you go, folks; a cornucopia of romantic possibilities. No need to thank me: I’m a matchmaker at heart. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Thanks to the submitters: jwc, trueredtx, Lesley, and Kim.

  • YSaC, Vol. 202: I’d like you to meet my brother.

    Someone to do my Job

    I have 2 jobs, a day job and a night job, and I need someone to do my night job. My night job sucks cause it cuts into my drinking and jacking around time. I am looking for someone to do my night job whilst I be goin out partying and whatever else…I will pay you half of what I make to do the job. If this works out, I might look around for another job for you too.

    The pursuit of life, liberty, and jacking around time is what made this country great. That, and the spirit of outsourcing.

    Too bad I couldn’t hook him up with this person:

    let’s trade…I need a

    full time permanent job for my brother…he is draining my resourses. I have his resume and will forward it to a person that can help. we can negotiate what we will barter. thanks in advance.

    If you outsource your brother to an outsourcer, does that make you an outsorcerer? (Or a pimp?)

    Thanks to Christine and bmillis for the submissions!