YSaC, Vol. 234: Spring really brings out the crazy in people.

2009 March 9

Most of this ad is behind a cut because it’s long. The devil in this one is in the details, and are there ever details! Be sure to click to read the entire ad.

Build a new, rational, primitive but free life w/ me in Alaskas wild – m4w – 27


WHO

Me:

– Status: 27 year old single white male. Never married. No children.
– Physical: 6’0″ tall, 160 pounds. 21 Body Mass Index. No physical handicaps or allergies
– IQ: 138 (Informally tested)
– Financial: $4,500 in unsecured debt. $500 in assets
– Education: High school diploma, Associate’s Degree. No plans for future formal education
– Religion: Atheist
– Psychological: Bites finger nails, drinks a little too much, uses pornography more than would like to. Sought treatment for “sex addiction.”
– Criminal: One arrest (carrying a concealed weapon without the government’s permission).
– Demeanor: Serious, sensitive, direct, quiet. Myers-Briggs type: INTJ

You:

– Status: 18 – 24 year old single female. No children.
– Physical: 5’2″ – 5’6″ tall, 105 – 115 pounds. 19 – 21 Body Mass Index. No physical handicaps.
– IQ: 120 – 140 (Formally/Informally tested)
– Financial: < $5,000 unsecured debt. $1,500 in assets
– Education: High school diploma/GED
– Religion: Atheist or agnostic.
– Psychological: A history of drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse, as well as treatment for disorders such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD are acceptable.
– Criminal: Arrests for curfew, skipping school, weapons, or drugs are acceptable. Having been Baker Acted is acceptable aswell.
– Demeanor: Serious, sensitive, shy, quiet, listener. Myers-Briggs type: INTJ, INTP, ISTJ, or or ISTP,

WHAT

March 1st – June, 1st, 2009.

Me:

– Work full-time at moving company and part-time in fast food to pay off unsecured debt and gain $500 in capital.
– Sell $500 worth of assets to gain additional $500 in capital.
– Purchase $1,000 worth of equipment, supplies, and transportation.
– Join community/faith-based sex-addiction group for short-term control of pornography problem.
– Reestablish ability to meditate for at least 1 hour continuously with ease (alleviates tendency to bite nails and/or drink in excess)
– Continue practice of eating an “Alaskan” diet consisting of 70% fat, 10% carbohydrate, and 20% protein.
– Lose 5 pounds of body fat and gain 10 pounds of muscle. Reduce heart rate to 55 BPM
– Communicate with you regularly (see Section “HOW” for details).

You:

– Work (if necessary) in order to pay off unsecured debt (if necessary) and to acquire capital (if necessary).
– Sell assets in order to supplement, or accentuate, capital acquired from working; reaching a total of $1,500. Sell or store any other assets.
– Join sex/love and/or alcohol and/or narcotics and/or nicotine abuse support group (if necessary) in order to get short-term control of problem(s) (if any).
– (Re)establish ability to meditate for at least 1 hour continuously with ease.
– Establish, reestablish, or continue the practice of eating an “Alaskan” diet consisting of 70% fat, 10% carbohydrate, and 20% protein.
– Lose 5 – 10 pounds of body fat and gain 10 pounds of muscle. Reduce heart rate to 55 BPM.
– Communicate with me regularly (see Section “HOW” for details).

June, 1st, 2009 – Indefinitely

Both of us:

– June 1st – Travel from respective home cities to Anchorage International Airport; meet in person for first time.
– June 1st – May 2nd: Travel together from Anchorage Internationl Airport to town of Glenallen, AK via prearranged private transport.
– June 2nd – May 10th: Hike from town of Glenallen, AK to Tetlin National Wildlife Refuge
– June 10th – Indefinitely: Scout and establish semi-permanent camp site; live at camp-site indefinitely.

WHEN

– February 26th – March 7th: Discuss “WHY” (see below) together.
– March 8th – June 1st: Implement steps laid out in “HOW” (see below).
– June 1st – June 10th: Travel
– June 10th – Indefinitely: Live together in a primitive fashion.

WHERE

– Our respective home cities
– Anchorage International Airport
– Glenallen Highway between Anchorage, AK and Glenallen, AK
– Glenallen, AK
– Wrangell-St. Elias National Park
– Tetlin National Wildlife Refuge

WHY

For the sake of proving to ourselves that each of our sets of philosophical convictions – however different or similar to one another they might be – work; in the most fundamental sense of the word. If they prove to work, we live. If they prove not to work, we die.

In the wilderness there is nothing to obscure the answer. The wilderness isolates the function or dysfunction of the convictions we implicitly operate on every day. By reducing their application to life’s most basic challenges, we are forced to evaluate them – and the sense of identity known as “ourselves” created by them – in the clearest terms possible. In a complex society – today’s – we are all, to some degree, simultaneously both victims of unclear evaluation and perpetrators of it. The purpose of this change in lifestyle is to know, should I survive the wilderness and choose to rejoin a complex society, my place in it. Once that has been determined, should I encounter unclear evaluation, I will react with the appropriate amount of empathy or scorn and direct it in the appropriate, and only in the appropriate, direction.

I attempted to answer this very question using this very method once before. Last year. Alone. I failed to follow through with the experiment and turned back without having ever left Anchorage city limits. It has taken me nearly a year to identify why it is that I failed, and I have found a number of reasons. First, at the time, I convinced myself of two specious arguments for why I should abandon the task. My back pack was far too heavy to carry a considerable distance, and I was also deeply discouraged by the site of two fellow pedestrians being prevented by the Anchorage Police from hiking along a stretch of the Glenallen highway I had planned to travel. Both of these things were and are valid considerations, but they were not and are not sufficient to explain my having failed. They are merely symptoms of an overlooked cause.

I know now that the source of my failure is that I attempted to make this lifestyle change alone; without a female companion. A woman would have been able to carry the weight I could not; both literally and figuratively. As contrasted with being alone, or even with another man, a woman’s mere presence would have reminded me that this was not a test of my manhood, but of my humanity. I would not have been left with no option but to carry more than I could, or to attempt the unrealistic, unnecessary feat of walking the additional 200 miles from Anchorage to Glenallen.

I am proposing neither this time. Instead, I am suggesting we share the burden, and spare ourselves unnecessary burdens aswell. I am suddenly willing to do this because I have suddenly come to deeply appreciate that the relationship between a man and a woman is like no other. That unlike all other human relationships, the value that is added to an individual from even the possibility – let alone the actuality – of a romantic relationship is not merely optional, but necessary. Psyhchologically necessary. Non-negotiable. Essential. Like food, water, shelter, and art, the ability – and opportunity – to deeply love someone is not something that someone attempting to determine the validity of his convictions can eschew. To attempt to live on one’s own terms, isolated from the distortions of society, is one thing. To attempt to live isolated from one’s own nature – and his or her natural desire for physical love – is another entirely. It is true that the presence of another person who has also been living immersed in the distortion of society is, unavoidably, a possible source of distortion which would seem to threaten the integrity of the experiment, but when more closely considered, such a possibility cannot be validly considered necessary to avoid.

Make no mistake, the journey and the lifestyle change, at least in the beginning, will be frought with risk and full of traumatic adjustments and sacrifices. In addition to the risks the natural environment poses, the resulting psychological pressures will offer an added layer of risk to my safety as an individual and yours aswell. I am well aware of this potential, and that is why I have chosen to seek out a companion in this upfront, impersonal manner. I surmise that, despite our objective compatabilities (listed above and verified in the months before our departure), should we be unfamiliar enough with one another that the chances of exarcerbating any irrational tendencies brought about by emotional attachments will be mitigated. Ideally, because of this initial unfamiliarity, we will both be driven to act as rational and good towards each other as is possible; leading to not only success against the challenges of survival, but also harmony, respect, and possibly even love between us.

The primary goals of this journey and life style change are personal to me, but to deny that equally as important – and in a sense, equally as personal – is the need for the pleasure of companionship is a recipe to me to repeat my failure. I will not attempt this without a woman at my side. Living alone (or even amongst other men) in the wilderness is equivalent to an animal’s existence, and a man cannot live as an animal indefinitely. He can, however, live as a man for as long as he likes; regardless of his surroundings. Reason, freedom, productivity, companionship are, in my opinion, requirements for survival right along with food and water. I have searched and searched, tried and failed, and the only setting in which I am confident that I can have them in their unadulterated form – and, more importantly, be certain that I have them – is far from civilization; armed with only the minimum of equipment and knowledge society owes me for forcing me into this quandry, the esteem I retain for the integrity of my soul despite the quandry, and the hope and joy which a companion and, possibly, a lover would give me.

HOW

I am aware that to most it would appear ludicrious that I would want to find – let alone expect to be able to achieve – the level of compatability necessary to survive and flourish in a harsh environment like Alaska’s wilderness with a person who is one step below a complete stranger. Here is why I disagree: I believe in the supremacy of reason over all other mental processes. In fact, it is one of the central philosophical tennets which I tenuously follow while I exist in an increasingly irrational culture. I am absolutely certain that it is a person’s ideas, and not one’s emotions, that exist first. And, while obviously I do not believe that making explicit and validating one’s ideas is a simple, pedantic, nor automatic process, I do hold firmly to the conviction that it can be done. It stands to reason then that if two people hold roughly the same ideas, and who exhibit roughly the same behavior, the basis of a mutually-beneficial relationship already exists between them. Once that is recognized, all that is left for them is to verify it. Doing so in a challenging and dramatic fashion merely expedites the process. Thus my approach to this experiment, as you previously saw in the section entitled “WHY.” However, recognizing that all great things do not come easily, I have endeavored to create a formal outline which, if followed, I believe will allow both of us to reach the beginning of our journey prepared.

Over the next 3 months, before we meet face to face for the first time, much will have to be discussed between us. Not so much that the excitement of learning about a new person, and the natural pleasure of adapting to his/her acceptable differences is taken away, but not so little that the practicality of making this journey and lifestyle change truly spiritually fulfilling disappears. I have attempted to create a schedule – filled with both necessary disclosures and personal improvement steps we should make – that I think will give this experiment a real chance of success. I have attempted to present the various information which we will share in a sequence that I think will give us the clearest picture of the other person in the timliest, but also most emotionally-palatable, way. In that spirit, I have arranged those topics from the most essential to the least essential. I think that by following a schedule, and going about meeting it as systematically as possible, much of the akwardness and fear inherent in meeting someone in this way will be reduced.

What follows is a detailed account of my proposed – no, required – steps to be taken by both of us until it is time to depart for the wilds of Alaska:

1) During the first week of March, all that should be exchanged between us should be 10 – 20 emails; discussing our general feelings about the world at large, the legitimacy of this lifestyle change, any suggestions to alter the schedule you might have, and our general thoughts and feelings about meeting and living primitively with someone in this way. We may write as much or as little to each other as seems necessary, depending on the quality and the temprament. But in the interest of seriousness and mutual-respect, we should conciously decide to limit this period of discussion to extend no later than March 7th.

We will also exchange between 5 and 10 photographs during this time.

2) From March 8th through March 15th, assuming we are both still interested in seeing this through, we will have our first telephone conversation. Nothing specific needs to be discussed – it can quite acceptably be a repitition of the previous week’s discussion topics, but with an added degree of intimacy coming from voice contact. Also in this week, should the phone conversation go well, we will prepare and share detailed financial statements (credit reports from one of the Big 3 credit reporting agencies); but still taking steps to protect our security. At that point, should I be satisfied that your financial situation is viable, I will explain, ask for acceptance, and should I get it, execute the detailed financial plan I have constructed for myself in order to get completely out of debt and raise the necessary capital to fill out my equipment and transportation requirments for the experiment.

This will also inagurate the weekly practice of me proving to you, and you proving to me (if necessary) – through the sharing of pay stubs – that we are working (if necessary) to put our finances in order.

We will also run criminal background checks on one another during this time.

3) During the 3rd week of March, we will both have complete physical and STD testing done. We will share these results with one another. If you have no already done so, you will go on birth control.

4) The last week of March will consist of my enrollment in a sex-addiction support group in order to get a short term (9 week) stranglehold on the emotions which drive me to look at pornography at the cost of damage to my self-esteem. You will, if necessary, enroll in a sex/love and/or alcohol and/or narcotics and/or nicotine support group. We will begin a weekly practice of providing proof to each other that we have attended these meetings at least once per week.

5) In early April we will begin discussing the purchase of hiking and camping equipment. While I still own approximately 80% of the equipment I took to Alaska last year, I, like you most likely will, will have to purchase a number of items as well. I can provide quite alot of assistance in this area, as I did extensive research into the benefits and drawbacks of various fabrics, metals, et cetera.

If you are not already on one, you will also begin phasing yourself in a high-fat, low-carbohydrate, “Alaska diet” during this period; providing grocery receipts as proof. I will provide proof my own practice of this diet as well.

We will also discuss and continue and/or begin a regular strength training and exercise routine; and commencing a weekly policy of sharing “progress photos” with each other – clearly showing decreases in adipose fat and/or increases in muscle tissue.

6) In the second half of April we will purchase equipment, supplies, and airline tickets. I will also set final arrangements for ground transportation between Anchorage International Airport and Glenallen, AK. We will share all documentation necessary to prove these transactions have occured.

Also, during this time, you will, if applicable, provide proof that you have submitted a 30 of 45 day “intent to vacate” notice from your rented house or apartment.

7) Early May will be relatively uneventful. We will continue our traditions of weekly telephone calls, pay stub, credit card statement, grocery receipt, and support group reviews, as well as “progress photo” sharing.

8) In late May, for good measure and to prove to one another that we are absolutely dedicated to this lifestyle change, we will each write 3 – 5 page essays restating why exactly we wish to go to Alaska and live. We will share these essays with each other no later and April 28th.

9) And then, finally, on June 1st – we will travel to Anchorage and meet, face to face, for the first time! It will be the first day of the rest of our lives!

I can’t imagine anything better than moving to a remote area of Alaska with an alcoholic control freak porn addict.

96 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 March 9
    Courtney permalink

    Man, I should have had my coffee before reading that. To be honest, I skipped a big chunk of the “why” and the “how” – just couldn’t digest it. I don’t even know what to say… except I don’t know that I’d want to move to a remote Alaskan campsite with someone who doesn’t have enough friends and family who care about her enough not to let her!

    Adores: 5
  2. 2009 March 9

    O.O

    Wow.

    This totally ought to be cross posted over at whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com

    I think the only bright spot in this whole morass of psychosis is that he’s as insanely controlling of himself as his potential mate.

    Adores: 10
  3. 2009 March 9
    Jessie permalink

    It sounds to me like this guy is in a very elaborate planning stage to commit a random murder. I mean what better to blame it on then the remote Alaskan wilderness? I’m freaked out.

    Adores: 26
  4. 2009 March 9
    Courtney permalink

    I was thinking that kinda sounded a little too “Unibomber seeks mate,” as well.
    I will say this for some of these love-seekers – they really do lay it all out there, don’t they? lol. Where’s the mystery? Where’s the romance? Where’s the spontineity? Doesn’t anyone just meet for coffee and see if they “click” anymore?

    Adores: 10
  5. 2009 March 9
    dogface permalink

    Okay, so assuming this dude’s request is legit and he’s not a psycho-killer…

    So, the dude’s a Stoic (aspiring Vulcan?) who hates the government yet is moving to a state that gives all its residents a check because of all its oil (although I’m seriously doubting that this dude is going to become an official resident). And this dude reveres reason above all other mental processes, yet he has an addiction and bad habits, which are inherently irrational. I like how he wants his lady friend to be younger than he is and doesn’t want her to be direct like he is and or for her to be much smarter than he is. Y’know, women don’t really gain a crap ton of muscle when they work out. Women tend to get toned more than gain bulk, so it’s not really realistic to expect his lady friend to gain 10 pounds of muscle over the course of three months.

    Adores: 11
  6. 2009 March 9
    dogface permalink

    By the way, that’s the short list of what’s hinky about this dude’s ad.

    Adores: 5
  7. 2009 March 9
    dogface permalink

    Dude, hinky’s in the OED. That’s just too awesome.

    http://dictionary.oed.com/cgi/entry/20003118?single=1&query_type=word&queryword=hinky&first=1&max_to_show=10

    Adores: 4
  8. 2009 March 9

    After enduring a range of mixed emotions, I will simply say this is far deeper than I was willing to delve into the mires of human depravity on this given day. Excellent post, by the way.

    Adores: 3
  9. 2009 March 9

    My head asploded.

    Adores: 8
  10. 2009 March 9
    questioner permalink

    What’s the policy on knowing where these ads come from? This sounds like a crazy guy I once knew.

    Adores: 1
  11. 2009 March 9
    T-Bone permalink

    Sounds like Dwight from “The Office” wants to go into the Alaskan wilderness! Also, who would willingly submit themselves to being raped & murdered in the middle of nowhere?

    Adores: 22
  12. 2009 March 9
    dogface permalink

    I found the dude’s ad. Evidently he’s in Indianapolis. I almost want to send the fella a link to this page, but I’m afraid he might do something, well, dangerous and/or insane. (Insangerous?)

    Adores: 24
    • 2010 November 18
      loopygrrl8 permalink

      Just browsing the archives. I KNEW this ad looked familiar!! Guess this guy is something I can put on my Things About Indy I Don’t Miss list.

      Adores: 0
  13. 2009 March 9
    questioner permalink

    I love the word “insangerous.” Thanks for the location, now I know it’s…well, PROBABLY not the guy I was thinking of…

    Adores: 2
  14. 2009 March 9
    Colleen in MA permalink

    i’d love to leave a comment about this crazy guy but he used all the words up. no more to go around.

    Adores: 9
  15. 2009 March 9
    Sam permalink

    This ad MUST be turned into lyrics for a song….

    Kind of like “Escape” only not so sweet…

    Adores: 0
  16. 2009 March 9
    Shyla permalink

    Timothy Treadwell in the making.

    Adores: 1
  17. 2009 March 9
    K.T. permalink

    I had to go down the list of what he is seeking in a potential mate and see how well I match up. 18 – 24 year old single female? Totally me! 5β€²2β€³ – 5β€²6β€³ tall, 105 – 115 pounds? Uh oh! I’m five-four and roughly 130. What a fatty! Seriously, though, a 115 pound, 5’6″ woman would be a goshdarn *broom*. Also, my IQ is a little on the high side… 139 (informally tested). I don’t think he’d want someone smarter than him. Darn! And I was so looking forward to eating fish and losing body fat!

    Adores: 11
  18. 2009 March 9
    Courtney permalink

    I would like to know how he intends for her to be on birth control when he takes her away from all civilization…and the rest is just as wonky.

    Adores: 12
  19. 2009 March 9
    Courtney permalink

    Well, K.T., you are still more than welcome to go on the “Alaskan” diet on your own! Mmmm. Fat. I’m sure the American Heart Association endorses it completely.
    And @questioner – I think it scares me more that it’s not the same person you thought it was because this means there is more than one of them out there!

    Adores: 4
  20. 2009 March 9
    kati permalink

    Man! If only I was 10 years younger. And taller. And weighed less. And had a lower IQ. And liked fish. And liked roughing it. And wasn’t lazy. And wasn’t an INFP. And wasn’t sane. If only…then I’d be PERFECT for him and get to go “on an adventure, Charlie!”

    Darn.

    Adores: 21
  21. 2009 March 9
    dogface permalink

    I was wondering about the birth control thing, too. What, is he going to hoard a shit ton of birth control pills, or is he just going to not let her eat until she gets her tubes tied?

    Adores: 13
  22. 2009 March 9
    Courtney permalink

    The new IUDs (almost completely safe – not your mother’s IUD!) last five years. That’d be my guess.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 May 8
      VagabondClown permalink

      Tell that to my friend who got pregnant on one after three. πŸ˜‰

      Whoops!

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 August 19
        ??? permalink

        I had the same thing happen. Twice.

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 April 2
      minetruly permalink

      I’ve inquired about the IUD, and been informed that, as it can cause permanent damage to the uterus, it’s only prescribed to women who are pretty much through having children. No responsible gynecologist would prescribe one to a 21 year old.

      I think there are options that last 3 months at a time- the shot, the implant.

      I wonder if he’s aware that birth control can cause mood swings and fatal blood clots?

      Adores: 1
  23. 2009 March 9
    Ashley permalink

    Meanwhile no one has noticed that he seems to want to travel back in time as well. ” June 1st – May 2nd: Travel together from Anchorage Internationl Airport to town of Glenallen, AK via prearranged private transport.
    – June 2nd – May 10th: Hike from town of Glenallen, AK to Tetlin National Wildlife Refuge.”

    Serial killer’s calendars must go backwards or something.

    Adores: 16
    • 2009 March 16
      Celeste permalink

      My guess? I bet he posted this screed earlier, got no replies and reposted with new dates. But forgot to change all of them.

      Reminds me of the writing style of my ex-husband.

      Adores: 2
  24. 2009 March 9
    Jessie permalink

    I totally didn’t notice the time travelling. Thanks Ashley! That makes this even worse.

    Adores: 1
  25. 2009 March 9
    Courtney permalink

    LOL. Aren’t those timelines a “requirement” too? Wow, way to sabotage your chances, there, guy…. because *that’s* why this isn’t gonna work out.

    Adores: 5
  26. 2009 March 9
    mOOky permalink

    Hah. I love the eschewing of all things modern and ‘complex’, yet his manifesto is more complex than the requirements to apply for a mortgage! I am also confused how he is ‘returning to nature’ with carefully thought out modern gear, and mandating a toothpick of a waif to accompany him on modern chemically induced birth control for “indefinitely”

    Adores: 10
  27. 2009 March 9
    Elle permalink

    RE: the time travel thing, I just thought he planned for it to take eleven months for them to walk two hundred miles. Maybe he’s planning on walking *really* slowly. He did say the backpack was really heavy.

    Also, how is he planning on consuming fat for 70% of his diet and yet losing 5-10 pounds? And where are the vegetables?? Don’t worry about getting murdered; this guy’s going to die of a heart attack within three months.

    Adores: 23
  28. 2009 March 9
    Brian permalink

    maybe for him, the time taken to write up this ad was the time he would ordinarily spend looking at porn and damaging his self esteem…see, he’s trying to improve himself already! πŸ™‚

    but seriously, eating a diet with 70% fat, and then saying you want to LOSE 5 pounds of body fat? I’m not sure if that’s physically possible unless you do exercise equivalent to running a marathon, every day?

    Adores: 4
  29. 2009 March 9
    katey permalink

    i found this on baltimore CL and sent it in..so he must be trolling all over the country to find his next victim. seriously. insanity. baltimore CL has tons of nut jobs like this. check it out from time to time! peace out!
    ~katey

    ps..thrilled one i sent it finally made it!

    Adores: 2
  30. 2009 March 9
    Elle permalink

    I dig the idea of sending my future life partner my grocery receipts in order to prove that I’m eating a survival diet. Fun.

    Adores: 9
  31. 2009 March 9
    Julia permalink

    @Brian:
    Fat does not make one fat. Excess calories do.

    ….ANYhoo, I think someone should agree to this and not show up, then let him go get lost in the wilderness alone.
    SO creepy. I couldn’t even read the whole thing.
    I can’t even fathom how his brain sees this amount of crazy/control as “fun/fulfilling”. And I know crazy.

    Adores: 1
  32. 2009 March 9
    dogface permalink

    Huh, if he’s posting this in multiple places, this might be a prank. But assuming this dude is serious, he might figure that location doesn’t matter if they’re going to meet up in Anchorage for the first time.

    BTW, Anchorage’s airport is really tiny. And has a giant taxidermied bear in a glass box. I can see why Mr. Nature Crazo would want to meet there.

    Adores: 1
  33. 2009 March 9
    AlaskaJailBait permalink

    I love fishing!
    And Alaska is, like, totally awesome.
    Is it ok if I have $5015 credit card debt on my Walmart card? I’m trying to pay it down but I keep having to buy diapers . . . NO, NOT FOR ME, SILLY!!!!

    and, just one teeny-weeny question: how’s come I have to have $5000 in asses and HE only has to have $500 in his asses? That doesn’t seem really fair . . .

    And whose Myers and Briggs? I know John Mayer and do you mean that Briggs guy on the Bears team? I really like football!!

    Call me and maybe we can IM each other. Here’s my cell: 555-304-7734

    Adores: 10
    • 2009 September 4
      liz permalink

      I just noticed that 304-7734 upside down on a calculator is “hell-hoe”…. If that was intentional, wow.

      Adores: 10
      • 2010 April 2
        minetruly permalink

        For you to have noticed the upside-down calculator spelling of a phone number in a comment to a yousuckatcraigslist post… double wow.

        Adores: 0
  34. 2009 March 9
    brashieel permalink

    Wow… just… wow.

    Weirdly, the fact that he is insisting the girl be younger than him remains the creepiest part to me. Even though I’m pretty sure he wants to kill and eat her.

    Adores: 7
  35. 2009 March 9
    dog permalink

    But brashieel, eating a lady friend with as much muscle and as little body fat as he wants wouldn’t fit in with his 70% fat diet.

    Adores: 40
    • 2009 April 17
      anon permalink

      best comment on this page, made my day

      Adores: 0
  36. 2009 March 9
    Courtney permalink

    He doesn’t want to eat her – her BMI requirement is too low for his Alaskan diet.

    Adores: 4
  37. 2009 March 9
    Jane permalink

    This is too funny! What a werido – Luckily I’m too big for him at 120 lbs.

    Adores: 3
  38. 2009 March 10
    candace permalink

    SOMEBODY has been watching ‘Into the Wild’ too many times and thinks he knows what went wrong and how to fix it.

    Adores: 12
  39. 2009 March 10

    Oh, if only I were a heterosexual tiny well-heeled man-worshipping anal-retentive woman with a willingness to photocopy my grocery receipts (!) and mail them off I could have this paragon of a man for myself. Drat.

    Not that I’d be willing to go off to bumf*ck, Alaska, oh, dearie me no. Roughing it for me is when they don’t have room service.

    Adores: 5
  40. 2009 March 10
    Pookie permalink

    omg, lol!

    seriosly tho, this dude has stopped taking his pill to control the crazy, and he’s planning on murdering whatever dumb ass idiot w/ the appropriate BMI replies.

    i wonder if his post got flagged?

    Adores: 1
  41. 2009 March 10
    marn permalink

    @candace: that’s EXACTLY what I was thinking!!!

    Adores: 0
  42. 2009 March 10
    scott permalink

    Wow. Just… wow. I’ve clearly been going about the whole dating thing entirely the wrong way.

    Adores: 6
  43. 2009 March 10
    dogface permalink

    Oh man, this dude’s posting in the Wichita CL, too. D:

    Adores: 0
  44. 2009 March 10
    dogface permalink

    Damn, Memphis and Houston too?

    Lessee, where all as he posted… Baltimore, Indianapolis, Houston, Memphis, and Wichita. Ugh.

    Adores: 1
  45. 2009 March 10

    um…. is anyone concerned that this guy seems to want another person to hold him accountable for his recovery? like a really skinny.. almost skeletal… non-breeding young girl.. who can be a support group, controlled and stupid. wait… i dated this guy! wow! i always wondered what happened to him after i left.

    Adores: 6
  46. 2009 March 11

    Holy crazy, Batman!

    I also wonder about the birth control stipulation. He does state that she “will go on birth control”, which generally indicates the pill, or maybe the ring. One doesn’t really “go on” an IUD. I’m also fairly sure that you have to have given birth once already in order to get an IUD. I could be entirely wrong, but I’m too lazy to look it up.
    Since you can only get a max of three months of birth control at one time, I’m wondering how that would work into his elaborate plan. Clearly he doesn’t want to carry extra weight, or I would suggest buying condoms in bulk.

    Adores: 6
  47. 2009 March 11
    Kalyandra permalink

    I will admit this is a little creepy but I kinda feel sorry for the guy. I hope he finds what he is looking for.

    I wonder where he intends for her to get birth control in the wilderness…

    Adores: 5
    • 2012 June 4
      Lizzi permalink

      If he’s so worried about that he should get a vasectomy. don’t have to bring anything then. plus, this whackjob REALLY shouldn’t reproduce regardless of where he is. ever.

      Adores: 1
  48. 2009 March 11
    Amaia permalink

    You don’t have to have given birth to get an IUD. But that doesn’t mean I’m encouraging all the short skinny wildlife enthusiasts out there with a mild to severe mental health/substance abuse history to walk into the Alaskan woods with this nutter.

    Adores: 9
  49. 2009 March 12
    Alice permalink

    Hey, on the bright side, at least he’s not planning on reproducing…

    Adores: 27
    • 2010 April 2
      minetruly permalink

      He actually sounds like he has good genes for intelligence. The “crazy” part comes more from his environment, I think. Some kinds of “crazy” are hereditary, but I think this guy could be “cured” if he just got some therapy to address the issues he’s developed over the course of his life.

      He should donate to a sperm bank. You could get a very acceptable, intelligent person out of his genes, if the child is raised properly.

      Adores: 0
  50. 2009 March 13
    Vanessa permalink

    So this is evidently on at least the Baltimore and Indianapolis Craiglists? I’m totally checking my local one too now.

    I do have to say he does write well. Crazy mind you but excellent vocabulary skills.

    Also, no one spends this much time and methodical explanation on a prank. I’m fairly certain this is the real thing. Real question: who is going to send a response to see what happens?

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 March 13
      drmk permalink

      I nominate Courtney! πŸ˜‰

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 September 16
      anacsadder permalink

      You know who else was crazy and had excellent vocabulary skills?
      Hannibal Lecter.

      Adores: 22
  51. 2009 March 15
    sunny permalink

    he totally had me until his 138 (informally tested) I.Q failed to recognize that it is not adipose fat, it is adipose tissue, a.k.a. fat…bummer, well plus the time warp, and the required enrollment in a sex/love and/or alcohol/drug and/or nicotine support group. Maybe if I didn’t have to provide proof…

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 April 2
      minetruly permalink

      He also used “site” instead of “sight” and misspelled “inauguration.”

      It all makes sense when you discover his “informal IQ test” was on the internet.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 April 2
        tacomagic permalink

        You should come join us in 624.

        We don’t bite… hard.

        Adores: 0
  52. 2009 March 28
    Kris permalink

    I think I dated this guy in high school.

    Adores: 1
  53. 2009 April 8
    Sean permalink

    I’m pretty sure this is a joke. No one with this level of OCD would leave in so many typos.

    Adores: 1
  54. 2009 April 17
    TRR permalink

    Guy reminds me of Chris McCandless. Apparently McCandless did reach some sort of psychological healing before a reality that no botanist was yet aware of did him in. So maybe this guy too can manage to heal himself through his encounter with the wilderness. Still, I tend to think he’d be better off spending some time on introspection. I hope he does sort himself out, because honestly, being born a smart and sensitive INTJ is probably what got him so messed up in the first place.

    Adores: 0
  55. 2009 April 24
    Mark permalink

    pic collector.

    Adores: 0
  56. 2009 April 24
    Meredith permalink

    I actually know a guy who just left the other day to “walk the country”….and now I’m wondering if this may have been posted by him. He’s apparently been reading books and studying for a year on how to “live off the land”. He gave away most of his possessions, bought some comfy clothes, and took a train to the end of Virginia. Then he said he’s just going to start walking. He didn’t even take a weapon or something to catch food…he said he’s going to use a slingshot.

    I kind of wonder if this was his original plan, or if he just didn’t tell us the whole thing.

    Adores: 2
  57. 2009 May 13
    Eli permalink

    Quite possibly the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen. What a controlling psycho- if any woman wanted to go with him she wouldn’t qualify due to his Psychological requirements because she’d be completely mad! Oh, the irony.

    Adores: 2
  58. 2009 May 14
    Champerz permalink

    I looked this up because I thought too it was someone I used to know! And he was from Orlando too!

    Adores: 0
  59. 2009 May 29
    H-bot permalink

    Did you notice that his height/weight restrictions didn’t match his BMI restrictions?

    For example, If it was 5’6 (the maximum allowable height) there is no way that i could meet his weight restriction (max of 115 lbs) without being under the minumum allowable BMI (19)

    And then he wants me to lose 5-10 lbs of body fat on top of it.

    Adores: 16
  60. 2009 June 16
    Anonymous permalink

    Putting aside the many aspects of this post that are just so horribly, horribly wrong… anyone else notice where he wants her to be on birth control for his little “experiment in the wild”? Where does he expect her to fill her prescription while they’re out living off the Alaskan wilderness? Are there some wild Alaskan pill-berry bushes the pharmaceutical companies don’t want us to know about?

    Adores: 12
  61. 2009 June 25

    I thought “Aspergers Syndrome.”
    In which case, the wilds of AK would probably suit him perfectly. More power to him, IMHO.

    Adores: 3
  62. 2009 July 2

    This seems like an interesting social experiment, actually. Too bad it’s just slightly insane πŸ˜›

    Adores: 1
  63. 2009 July 3

    Wow. I, too, know people like this. Well, not quite like this: people who might be like this if you turned the crazy up to eleven. I’d have a fair bit of sympathy for him, as far off the deep end as he is, if he weren’t so insistent that his female companion be young, slender, and on birth control. (Oh, and a listener. She’d have to be, wouldn’t she?)

    Adores: 5
  64. 2009 July 10
    Canadagirl permalink

    I’ll get right on that 3-5 page essay on why I want to completely drop my life to move to Alaska, consume a high-fat diet and prove my financial solubility.

    Adores: 3
  65. 2009 July 13
    Bridgete permalink

    He forgot technological dependencies. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can’t go a day without TiVo or my iPhone.

    Adores: 0
  66. 2009 July 15

    I would like to point out that not all INTJs are long-winded OCDickheads.

    Adores: 6
  67. 2009 July 16
    Escuerd permalink

    Not all INTJs with OCD are dickheads either.

    I won’t pretend not to be long-winded, though.

    Adores: 6
  68. 2009 July 16
    kevin permalink

    um…this guy took the song “a horse with no name” a bit too literal!

    psssssssssst ….BATSHIT CRAZY…maybe michelle baccuman would do well with him esp since she doesnt want to do that census stuff LOL

    Adores: 1
  69. 2009 August 17
    Hiyame permalink

    I for one would like to see the “trying too hard” tag on this. This man… Needs something. Medical attention, more love as a child, something. Not badly written, but… The content is just obscene. Since I’m reading this a year later, I wonder whatever happened to this guy. I hope that, if he found what he was looking for, they are living out there right now realizing that it gets down to negative twenty in the winter and that they had the good sense to come home when one of them almost froze to death.

    Adores: 8
  70. 2009 August 19

    What this guy needs is a Vipassana meditation retreat.
    The deprivation aspects and asceticism would appeal to his control freak back-the-lander thing, but he would come out of it having learned to meditate and center which will undoubtedly benefit him (and society) greatly.

    It’s a shame this is months old. If he was still casting around the internet looking for a travel partner I would email him to suggest it.

    Adores: 6
  71. 2009 August 23
    Shark Blank permalink

    I was going to suggest that people should have to pass some kind of “I’m not crazy” test to be able to post anything on the internet, but then what would we make fun of/puzzle over? While it may hurt, the internet probably runs off of crazy.

    Adores: 2
  72. 2009 August 23
    Lauryn McCarter permalink

    Maybe I’m just making things up, but this sounds like he read Atlas Shrugged and thought “I should withdraw from society too! I just need a woman willing to surrender herself to me completely!”

    The ad is pretty much in Ayn Rand’s style, too: repetitive and kind of preachy, and long as hell.

    Adores: 12
  73. 2009 August 26
    jmacmetal permalink

    This really creeped me out :S

    Adores: 1
  74. 2009 August 31
    Kagenin permalink

    My girlfriend is wondering, too, where he is going to get a crap-load of birth control for his forest dryad. Here in California, you can get a year’s worth at a time, but I doubt that Alaska is so generous, judging by their now-former (BWahahahahaha) governor’s views on reproductive rights…

    Of course, if he were to get a vasectomy, that would knock out two birds with one stone – no need to worry about getting his little forest nymph preggers, and he takes himself out of the gene pool. Win/Win for everyone in society. Then again, if he’s shooting for her to have less than 10% body fat, she won’t be having a period anyway… A woman’s body goes into a pure survival “Amazon Warrior” mode. Along with her ability to get pregnant, she’ll lose her butt and boobs, and I’m willing to bet that’s going to jump-start his urges to… ummm… “damage his self-esteem.” Then again, I doubt anyone eating a 70% fat diet would be able to get their body fat under 15% without running several miles a day…

    I’m still wondering how he’s planning to put on that much muscle mass that quickly with a diet of only 20% protein. It took me two semesters of weight training at my Junior College to put on 10 lbs of muscle, and my diet was a bit more protein- and carb-heavy. (I lost it all over the summer because I didn’t keep up my training…)

    138 IQ my ass… For someone who has put so much thought into this… he is overlooking some really important details…

    Anyone here see the episode of Survivorman where Les was kayaking along the Alaska coast? That was probably one of the more dangerous episodes he did (aside from the Amazon river episode that ended with him being stalked by a jaguar) because of the bears, the intense terrain, disorienting sunlight cycle (Land of the Midnight Sun anyone?), not to mention the bitter cold.

    Assuming he finds/has found some wilderness survival princess willing to put up with someone micromanaging their life from over the internet, they wouldn’t last a week… no, 3 days in the wild without dragging their broken, weary bodies back to Anchorage.

    “He who makes a beast of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man.” – Samuel Johnson

    Adores: 7
  75. 2009 September 1
    pixie721 permalink

    I’m relieved that he has no children and doesn’t seem to want any children. Now, if only we can get a bear to maul his groin while he’s in Alaska the rest of humanity can breath a sigh of relief knowing that he will never procreate.

    I keep wondering how many women answered this ad, and what would happen if the perfect woman (a neurotic, self-loathing doormat with an eating disorder) answered but couldn’t put on ten pounds of muscle in the time allotted. Would he kick her to the curb and run the ad again?

    Adores: 6
  76. 2009 September 3
    pixie721 permalink

    My husband says that the “progress photos” will be used as spanking material for our little porn addict.

    Adores: 6
  77. 2009 September 24
    Jane permalink

    Alaska has apparently become the holy grail of nutcase survivalists. Speaking as someone who lives there, nature is scary enough in the cities. Anyone who wants to hike into the wilderness and get themselves killed with their ill-prepared schemes should be, I suppose, free to do so, but NOT drag someone else into it. Stupid romantic notions of Grizzly Man and Into the Wild…

    Also, as a lifelong Alaskan, I must object to his use of the term “Alaska diet.” I have never met anyone who ate that way, for any reason.

    Adores: 6
  78. 2009 September 28
    Josee permalink

    umm well on top of all the things everyone said here before, there is one more thing that bothers me. Did anyone else notice the 3-5 page essay that is to be written by May 1st? I mean on top of being unrealistic and batshit crazy, he would make a woman do homework? O_O That right there, rules me out.

    Adores: 2
  79. 2010 July 17
    LurkRealClose permalink

    Essential. Like food, water, shelter, and art

    No offense to art and artists, but really, Sparky?

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 July 17
      Moira permalink

      In the broader sense, art is simply creation and, therefore, serves as a stand-in or symbol here for procreation.

      He probably didn’t actually think this deeply but, fuggit, I can make it sound good.

      Adores: 1
  80. 2010 August 10
    Joanna permalink

    Not to mention that he wants a very slim woman to make herself clinically underweight on a 70% fat diet. Is that supposed to be 70% fat out of a 500 calorie/day diet? What a considerate gentleman!

    Adores: 0
  81. 2010 October 26

    where do you guys buy camping equipment online ?.*~

    Adores: 0

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