You Suck at Craigslist

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  • YSaC, Vol. XCVII

    For the love of all that is holy, people, it’s spelled dining. You have a dining room table for sale, not a dinning room table. Yes, you may have dinner, but when you have dinner, you are dining. In the dining room. On your dining table. You dine with others, you don’t dinn with them.

    I couldn’t possibly post all of the offenders, but to illustrate my point, here’s a selection from the furniture listings from a large metropolitan area from just one day.

    Oct 20 – Dinning Room Table – $100
    Oct 20 – ITALIAN DINNING ROOM SET WITH MATCHING GRAND FATHER CLOCK – $99
    Oct 20 – DINNING SET AND ENTERTAINMENT CENTER – $600
    Oct 20 – Room With A View Dinning Table and Eight Chairs – $3000
    Oct 20 – Dinning table – $100
    Oct 20 – dinning table and 4 chairs – $150
    Oct 20 – IKEA Dinning table + 4 chairs – $40
    Oct 20 – wood dinning table wirh 2 chairs and a bench – $75
    Oct 20 – Dinning Table w/ leaf insert – $100
    Oct 20 – Dinning Table / Bed, Dresser – $300
    Oct 20 – Dinning table with four chairs in black color – $70
    Oct 20 – **Moving Sale** Formal Dinning Room (Cherry Wood) – $995
    Oct 20 – queen bed, side table, dinning room table w/ 4 chairs & full size sofa – $1000
    Oct 20 – Antique oak dinning room table
    Oct 20 – Dinning table Bristol table – $100
    Oct 20 – Wood Dinning Table & 4 Chairs – $100
    Oct 20 – Dinning Room Set – $300
    Oct 20 – Dinning set Six chairs / Priced to move and very fancy!!! – $300
    Oct 20 – dinning room table and chairs – $300
    Oct 20 – Pecan dinning room set – $850
    Oct 20 – MUST SELL ASAP COUCHES,DINNING SET,PICTURES, CHASE LOUNGES – $400
    Oct 20 – 7pcs dinning room set – $999
    Oct 20 – Dinning room set& Buffet or best offer – $2100
    Oct 20 – Oak Dinning Table with six chairs – $200

    And I have to include this one even though it’s not from the 20th, because they go the extra mile:

    Oct 19 – For sale Dinnning table with two charis And Love seat – $140

    That’s right, folks, this dinning table has three n’s, not just two. It’s extra-n-tastic. They added the extra n in the middle like you’d add the extra leaf to the dinning table when the whole family comes over for Thanksgiving.  Although if they only have two charis, grandma’s going to have to sit on the floor.

    I’m also fond of the CHASE LOUNGES. In my head there’s a stop-motion animation of two chaise lounges pursuing each other around a large room. (It’s a great movie. I wish you could see it.)

    Maybe grandma could sit on the chase lounge while she eats at the dinnning table. If we could just get it to sit still long enough …

  • YSaC, Vol. XCVI

    Axia University of Phoenix Homework For Sale

    Yep, that’s right. I am selling my homework. I went for a business degree, but I have many of the basic classes as well. I did very well in school, and averaged A’s. Payment can be made via money order or paypal. These are some of the classes I have, so let me know what you need:

    BEH225
    COM120
    COM125
    COM215
    CRT205
    ECO205
    ETH125
    HIS135
    HRM240
    INB205
    IT105
    IT205
    IT210
    MGT210
    MGT245
    PHI105
    SCI241
    SCI245
    SOC120

    Apparently he missed out on the Business Ethics course, and just went straight for the “Plagiarism for Fun and Profit” course.

  • YSaC, Vol. XCV

    i wanna buy a gun.

    call me at xxxxxxxxxx

    This can only end poorly.

  • YSaC, Vol. XCIV

    Lookin for a job asap!

    im 17 years old and currently dont go to school im looking for a good paying job so i can pay my mom off.. under the table or a real job is fine doesnt matter.. i sit at home all day and do nothing.. i live in [name of town] so some where close would be nice.. iv never had a job before but im lookin to get my first.. you can contact me at [email address redacted, but involves the phrase “sk8”] email is the best way to get ahold of me..

    Scientific research demonstrates conclusively that the best way to get a job is to sit at home in your mother’s house and do nothing but post on Craigslist. International companies are standing by, just salivating to give high-paying jobs to seventeen year old kids who have never had a job before, can barely write an English sentence, drop their g’s when they write and have no idea what an apostrophe is, and who reveal themselves to be prone to using sk8r sp33k.

    Stepping away from the computer and going outdoors to find employment is so 2005! Having qualifications is so 2007! Looking at actual job ads and responding to them is so March!

    Although I must admit that part of me wants to protect this young, idealistic person from the onslaught of skeevy email he/she is about to get. *shudders*

  • YSaC, Vol. XCIII

    Red Bricks For Sale — Leftovers from Project

    I have a bunch of random sized plywood pieces. Some are large, some are small. can be used as firewood i guess or some small project. Give me an offer if you are intersted

    Good morning, boys and girls! It’s time for our construction materials lesson of the day. Today’s lesson: telling the difference between bricks and plywood. This can be a tricky one, so pay close attention. I’ve brought visual aids along to help us out. Ready? Let’s begin!

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. XCII

    Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet – £1000000 (pacific coast)

    -DA VINCI NIRVANA CABINET-(Leonardo da Vinci used pattern recognition to come up with new ideas. In, A Way of Stimulating and Arousing the Mind to Various Inventions, Leonardo advised himself and others to “look at a wall spotted with stains, or with a mixture of different kinds of stones; if you have to invent some scene, you may discover a similarity with different kinds of landscapes, embellished with mountains, rivers, rocks, trees, plains, wide valleys and hills in a varied arrangement: or, again, you may see battles and figures in action or strange faces and costumes, and an endless variety of objects which you could reduce to complete and well-drawn forms.” So pay attention to the master and see what is in this cabinet’s woodgrain.)
    So you’ve seen the Da Vinci Code Miracle Door, the completely coincidental trinity of figures appearing in the woodgrain of my cabinet door. Now it’s time to see the rest of the story: The opposite door which makes up The Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet! So you’ve seen the door on the right with the Sign of the grail(a V) above the headless nude woman (the disempowered Magdalene)which has the shape of a fish (in some forms, the Christ sign)in what could be the sun (though dark). SO now to add another chapter to this story, the DOOR ON THE LEFT: The Da Vinci Nirvana Door. Now to look at this door we will rotate it so that the left side becomes the top. Now you can see if you’ll look closely, a rising out of the woodgrain on the right side ( above what looks a little like the start of a fleur-de-lis on it’s side) that becomes a round circle of lines radiating outward. From this the lines widen out and on the left side they take on the shape of a mushroom. This is important and what comes next is even more so. The next line breaks the mushroom mold and forms a nose over a neck and chin making a face looking upward to the heavens. YOW! Then in the next line radiating out from it, the face’s mouth is agape with awe and wonderment at what it has beheld and in the following lines the face is absorbed into the universe at one with everything. Knowing all things and making only those ripples in the ocean of creation that serves all and destroys only that which wants to be destroyed and be transformed because it is time. SO to sum up: The Da Vinci Nirvana Door shows us the start of an insular self-centered mushroom-like (kept in the dark and fed bullshit) existence perceiving that the heavens somehow revolve around it not aware of the careless ripples it makes in the ocean of the universe (with luck it’s universe will be small surrounded by other insular self-centered universes)And then it begins to realize BANG the universe does not revolve around it and ZOW it percieves a woodwork of thought, action, consequence and existence that inspires awe unlike any it had experienced before. And then KABLOOIE it becomes as one with the universe and it’s workings. There ya’ go, a whole ‘nother door to complete the Da Vinci Code Miracle Door/Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet Mega Coincidence, umm…Miracle? AND it’s still only a million dollars or best offer! Not for sale to people who want to use it to start a war or lord it over people for the sake of it. If you buy it and do these things or attempt to do these things, you must return the cabinet to me and no refund will be forthcoming to you and this is a rule of this sale. It is alright though to make peaceful wads of money to be used worhtwhiley off of it though, as long as all subsequent owners understand that Karma will (if not an actual agent of myself) have total and lawful contracted authority to wrest the cabinet away from whomever they are and bitch-slap them back into their mushroom phase of existence. Price : £1,000,000.00 or best offer.

    Up until the point they specified that it wasn’t for sale to people who want to use it to start a war or lord it over other people, I was right there with them — if I had this, I would absolutely lord it over everyone else.

    I’m also wondering what would happen if you got this piece of furniture too close to the flying chair.

    This was posted in the London Craigslist. I didn’t realize England had a coastline on the Pacific. That must just be me, in my insular self-centered universe, not realizing that the ocean of creation has no physical boundaries and that the KABLOOIE can make the Pacific Ocean one with the England universe.

    I think I’m going to have to start a new tag for this one — “trying too hard”. There’s clever, and then there’s trying too hard to be clever.