You Suck at Craigslist

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  • YSaC, Vol. 212: But they’re minty!

    $300 Methuen, MA. guy SEEKING TEMP ROOM RENTAL Orlando to TAMPA

    Seeking immediate room rental bcuz sleeping in the truck or hotel rooms isn’t my thing!

    $300 I’m seeking a honest ROOMATE/quiet Clean ROOM to RENT. if you know anyone or anywhere that maybe available, Please advise me. NO GAY MEN

    NO GAY MEN since they are that ignorant and sick that they can’t control themselves nor interpret this ad correctly. This is an ad for a rental not gay sex! Do you sickos understand?

    I’m Straight up, Trustworthy, clean, genuine, soon 2b MSTR ELECTRICIAN, NON DRUG USER, NON Alcoholic, Highley responsible Guy who SEEKS ROOM/ROOMATE ASAP. I’m quiet respectful person.

    Im road Tech Electrician(& REHABBER/Investor) that does contract work on the east coast for temp agencies till i get licensed and go independant. My mother is bipolar, snapped a carrot tonight and kicked me out. So thats the reason why!Hey we just dont see eye to eye.

    EMAIL MIKE Anthony A. ==>bronxboy[number]@yahoo.com call xxx-xxx-xxxx. TY people. My site www.[crappy single page “business” website preying on foreclosures].com

    212a212b212c

    Um, yeah. The bolding? That’s his. The spacing? Also his. The homophobia? Entirely his.

    And until the recent carrot-snapping incident (one can only imagine what that’s a euphemism for), he lived with his mother.

    But he’s quiet and respectful, as long as you’re straight.

    Nice cat, though. This may be a real live example for the blog Cute Things with Douchebags.

  • YSaC, Vol. 211: Love is in the air, everywhere you look around …

    On this, the most romantic of days, I bring you some of the people out there who are wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places, including Craigslist.

    Watched the news lately? – 48

    Seeking a lady that is aware of what the future will bring. A survivalist. I would like to find a lady who is under 50 and capable of growing a garden and first aid. A lady that can operate and take care of a horse, tractor, a truck, and an ATV. Must be capable of self-defense! Trapping, reloading and knife sharpening skill is a plus! Looks not too important besides being in good physical shape although big t*ts are a plus. Must currently be self-sufficient! If you have any equipment, send photo and description. We’ll see about the relationship discussion after we get past these requirements. I hope you like the smell of diesel! Smoke or drink, OK. No drugs! Don’t be scared, reply back to me! Criminals, gays and blacks need not apply. Not my flavor

    What flavor are gays? To me, it seems like they’d be minty.

    And you know, if your t*ts are too big, you won’t be able to sharpen knives very well. They also seem like they might be a hindrance in the whole “tractor and ATV” thing.

    All right, ladies, maybe he’s not your type. Let’s try this one:

    Would you like to star in an episode of “Cheaters”? – 26

    Things are nonexistent in the bedroom with my wife. I’m looking to have a little fun, and maybe even my 15 minutes of fame. You could get your 15 minutes too. Not from me, I don’t last that long. I mean on camera. Think of how fun it will be meeting for coffee early in the morning, sneaking away from work or school for a secret “lunch”, and meeting late at night in the parking lot of the Kroger or HEB. All the while, we can play “spot the camera” or “spot the night vision goggles”. If you’re worried about how the wife will react when she sees us fooling around, don’t be. Her wrath will be directed only to me. While I’m getting my ass kicked, you can use that time to pose for the camera or tell your story of how you were the real victim in all this. The only requirement is that you are a woman over 18. I want to be on “Cheaters”, not “To Catch a Predator”.

    Morally corrupt, but not bankrupt. At least the man has ambition.

    No? Wow, you folks are picky. Okay, how about this one?

    29 Guy looking for a good friend – 29

    i like to stay in shape.treat girls to a very nice dinner.i like to do lots of outdorrs things since im a surveyor.i been so many places.i have been to almost every amusment park in the usa and one in tokyo.you name it i done it.i dont have no tatoos and dont drink but will go to clubs.i dont do drugs.i like to keep my bills caught up 2 months ahead.im just looking for some company and a good friend.on another note i do get girls starring at me all the time so you can not get mad if they look but i never cheat and never will thats my moddle.my sis says im to sweet to girls.i just say i want to the girl to feel like a princess when she is with me.i never hit a girl and never will.feel free to email me and ill give you my number and we can talk and if we hit it off just maby you might be dating me.please send me a picture with your email to my email.

    v-day1

    Girls, if you’re lucky, you might be dating him. And his ego. But at least he has a moddle. I had a moddle once, but it got muddled. Once you get your moddle muddled it’s all over.

    All right, gentlemen, all right, I hear you saying, “But what about us? Help us out in the romance department too!” Ask, and ye shall receive. For you, I have selected this fine young thang:

    Looking for love, in the world… of warcraft – 18

    I am 5’9, green eyes, have dirty blone hair, 110 pounds, full c cups, and an applebottom ass. I enjoy world of warcraft and rap music. Looking for a cool and funny guy with atleast a level 80 World of Warcraft toon. If you wanna hook up send me a pic and a link to your armory page.

    She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it.

    And in the spirit of inclusivity (unlike our first potential love match):

    To The Girl Whose Vagina I Saw – w4w

    Hey baby, I saw your vagina at my house once.
    Ditch my brother and get with me 😉
    I’m only a room away, you know where to find me!

    v-day2

    This was posted under “Missed Connections.” I always thought lesbian mating rituals involved cats, not piglets. But hey, that’s a really nice carpet; I wonder if it matches the drapes.

    So there you go, folks; a cornucopia of romantic possibilities. No need to thank me: I’m a matchmaker at heart. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Thanks to the submitters: jwc, trueredtx, Lesley, and Kim.

  • YSaC, Vol. 210: Keep on swimming, keep on swimming …

    Huge Blue Monkey perfect condition – $20

    You have to have it your kids will love it. It’s over 2 feet tall! Here are some pics below. If you have any other questions just e-mail me at xxxx.xxxxx@yahoo.com

    210

    That’s right, a huge blue monkey. Monkeys, as you know, are marsupials who live in the ocean. Their gills help them swing from tree to tree underwater. Their plush fur helps them survive in the Arctic jungles. Their diet consists mainly of tamales and Fun Dip, and they are world’s primary producer of elbow macaroni.

    (Now, in all fairness, there is something called a Pacific Monkeyfish. It looks a little different than the one being advertised, though, so I don’t think that’s what’s causing the confusion here:)

    210a

    That’s not even a little bit cuddly.

    I’m crediting this one to “D.L.”; they’ll know why.

  • YSaC, Vol. 209: Shouldn’t we have prevented the Germans, instead?

    4 pcs french preventional dining room set – $275

    China cabinet and serving/buffet table in great condition
    table and 6 chairs.
    the table has a leaf, the chairs all need to be re-apolsterd.
    cash and carry xxx-xxx-xxxx

    That “thud” sound you hear is me banging my head on the desk. Repeatedly.

    As if French Prudential wasn’t bad enough, now we have French Preventional. What, exactly, are they preventing? Whatever it is, they’re French — it won’t work! It will be like the Maginot Line of furniture. The chairs will launch an aerial assault on the china cabinet and the buffet table will surrender immediately.

  • YSaC, Vol. 208: All the good strippers are taking plastic these days.

    price reduced on BEAUTIFUl prom/pageant gown stand out at prom

    I paid over 400 dollars for this dress. it has beautiful detail on the top and all along the bottom. not itchy at all. has been taken in in different places but can be let out or taken in more. it is a size 6 originally. PLEASE make me a reasonable offer. you are MORE than welcome to come by and try it on or have a closer look. truly a one of a kind dress. I had random people taking pictures becasue it was such a beautiful dress. email xxxxxxxxxxxx2107@yahoo.com with questions or comment. CASH ONLY and the top comes off

    Shawna sent in this post, saying:

    Overall, not a horrible post. It’s just… Well, first, the dress looks fairly bridal. I’m glad it’s not itchy at all, I guess. I feel COMPELLED to make a reasonable offer, perhaps after COMING BY to try it on. And you know, if I had “random people” chasing me down to snap photos, that would make me very uncomfortable. Also, who is the zoot suit creep on the lamp post? And why?

    Finally, and most obviously, pay cash “and the top comes off”? Nice. That’s a motivated seller.

    I’ll bet she did stand out at prom.

    [ /Shawna]

    This post brings me to a question. I’m somewhat of a language wonk, if you haven’t noticed. Little linguistic things really interest me, like regional variations between pop and soda or bag and sack. It’s because the rest of my life is so exciting, I’m sure, that I focus on things like this in my down time.

    Anyway, I know that in parts of the US the construction, “I went to prom” is more common, but where I grew up, I went to THE prom. Saying “I went to prom” seems to me like saying, “I went to store.” My husband says, “Ours had a qualifier — you went to Senior Prom or Junior Prom.” Even then, I would say, “I went to THE Junior Prom” instead.

    I have a sneaking suspicion I’m in the minority; a Google search for “I went to prom” returns over 31,500 hits, while a search for “I went to the prom” returns a mere 19,000. Luckily, the Google search also returned this blog entry on the topic, which makes me feel a little bit better — I’m not the only person who overthinks these things.

    How about you folks? Did you go to prom, or did you go to the prom?

    And did you take your top off for cash at [the] prom?

  • YSaC, Vol. 207: The horse creeps me out too.

    lots of crap oh and some cool stuff to

    i am hoping to not have to throw this stuff away becaust it can be fun my son just has to much stuff n toys and so do i so keep an eye out there will be lots more stuff for free soon but please if you want any of this stuff please come get it my cat wont use the cat beds (she likes mine) the horse creeps the hell out of me but it still works yes it has damage but it hase never hurt my son it even makes noises the chair needs a little tlc or saw to turn it in to fire wood the basket would be good for a plant or something on a porch the computer moniter works just fine i got a better one the sponge bob tent is indoor out door not waer proof but if you had a little one then they will love it no damage we just have like 10 of thees thingsthe sit n spin very self explanatory except to my 4 year old who just cant grasp the concept yes that is a frog back pack with wheels and exstendable handle hidable back pack straps n all dont get to excited in all its about a foot tall the basketball hoop is ment for the pool but being as we dont have a pool where i live we just used it in doors inflates and folds up flat and twists up small some how no holes on ball and if it gets a hole it can easly be replaced by a beach ball just put it in the fabric cover the pirats of the carribean sleep over sleeping bag was never used he got this one ans a cars one at the same birthday (he likes cars) the pig is a chair along with the spiderman thing but it makes noise that is if you put batries in it i never did the blue dog is just that blue (from blues clues)if you want anything feel free to email me at xxxx_xxx@yahoo.com

    Kirsten sends us this one, saying, “There was no picture with this ad.  I guess this Craigslister was confident that her illustrative writing would give us a mental image of her junk pile.”

    So here’s a contest: In one breath, read the above aloud as quickly as you can and see how far you get through it, and post your results.