You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 260: Note to self — don’t search for “sexy secretary” with safe search off.

    Sexy Personal Assistant

    I’m looking to hire a personal assistant to help out around my home office. I’m a good looking 28 year old man who runs a small company and I need to hire someone to take care of answering the phones, responding to clients and taking notes while I’m in meetings and just everyday helping out and tidying up around the office. I would like to hire a sexy little 18-25 year old girl. This is a strictly working relationship and not require you to do anything physical with me. I only require that whoever I hire comes to work in cute and sexy outfits to parade the office all day and giving me something to stare at. You would have the opportunity however to make extra money every now and then giving me a lap dance if you were open to that. Serious inquiries only. Looking to fill the position by the end of the week.

    I think someone’s been watching Secretary a few times too many. Would I have to wear the saddle and hold the carrot in my mouth?

    Kim submitted this one, saying, “I kind of want to take the job just so I can sue him for his business later on.  I’m sure I could run it better than this ungrammatical horndog, whatever it is.”

    This really is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I like how it progresses from “strictly working relationship” to “you can give me a lap dance”. Nope, I’m sure there’s no ulterior motives here.

    Maybe he’ll get lucky and get Mrs. Wiggins!

  • YSaC, Vol. 259: In space, nobody can hear you’re stupid.

    A couple of people sent this one in. Unfortunately, it had been flagged by the time I got to it … but luckily Sarah had taken a screen shot of it:

    256

    For those of you with Internet Eye Syndrome, here’s the text of the ad:

    “Hi i have 8 7591 vacuum tubes that were new old stock, i tested these in a scott amplifier and worked well. I carefully removed the glass on each tube to clean both sides as all the tops had silver inside blocking view of tubes light now the tubes have no glass but may still work. asking 50.00 each.”

    John had also pointed me towards this listing, saying:

    “This guy’s post is for a set of 8 NOS (new old stock) tubes for audio amplifiers. NOS mean they were made long ago, but are still not used. A pack of 8 of these NOS would be worth $200+ easily. So this guy breaks off the glass and “cleans all the shiny stuff” off the insides. The only place these might work would be the vacuum of space and are now worthless. That’s sort of like: New Light bulbs. I opened them to clean out the white stuff. They should still work. Oh and they don’t come with the glass anymore.”

    Sarah’s commentary was, “It’s almost worth the $50 to see if this guy keeps doing it. Almost.”

    Of course, since I’m a girl, my reaction was, “But will they match my shoes?”

    Thanks, Sarah and John!

  • YSaC, Vol. 258: It’s no Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich …

    This was posted in “general”. I suppose it’s because Craigslist doesn’t have a section for “miracles and revelations”.

    GOD MAKING ADAM… – $500000

    A WATER STAINED CEILING TILE FROM A BROKERN WATER PIPE
    ON THIS EARTH …GOD MAKING ADAM…

    STARTING BID $500,000.00 OR HIGHEST BIDDER

    CALLS ONLY TO xxx-xxx-xxxx
    adam

    Um. I think we’ve found the seventh wonder of the stupid world.

    Actually, it’s probably the sixth wonder. The seventh wonder will be that someone will probably buy this from him.

    *goes off to smash some water pipes*

  • YSaC, Vol. 257: I think the desk is a metaphor.

    This was posted in m4w.

    Seeking smart woman for mahogany desk job LTR? – 38

    Career dreamer seeks icy snapper to sharpen my pencils in.
    I would like a partner to plug into my desk.
    I came upon this beauty a few months ago doing a cash side job on the West Side.
    Me and this guy named Sky were moving a prickly little poodle past her orifice,
    when divine intervention manifested destiny!
    We dropped her custom made Italian Mahogany partners desk down a manhole.
    She was married to this classical fellow who built a fortune from an erector set,
    but his eyes fell out and her cats ate them.
    She had to move on. So she’s trained in some kinda cerebella palsy… (powerful stuff),
    and she picks up this desk off Ruby Lane for a couple O G. Well this desk must have had some magic dust in it or something cause she started sucking up more clients then her little cube could handle.
    That’s where me and Sky came in. You tell us “where” and we ask you “why”. Sky came up with that one. Boss wouldn’t paint it on the truck though.
    So we were moving this tricky sweet pony uptown when she goes into a caramel latte slide and completely upsets our feng sway. Down goes the partners desk and the manhole is burping like an alcoholic barber.
    There was crap all over the place, and she wanted our heads. I looked up at Sky and said
    “The custom Italian Mahogany desk has fallin.”
    He just passed over man, like it didn’t even matter. I looked down at that beaded old purse and she was flapping like a wind sock on Mount Washington.
    Took me close to a month to find work again, (due exclusively too the mostly unkind ways in which she remembered us in the police report) but 30 days later I’m under the street sucking sludge for a guy named Demillo- and BOOM, its that desk!
    I hauled my prize back to the storage unit/apartment I rent- and there she sits.
    Its got two holes in it, I just need a partner to fill the other side. If you have a chair that adjusts it would be perfect as she lost a little height in the fall.
    Also- please be a highly educated professional gainfully employed white collar type,
    Cause I cant get the drawers open. There is magic dust in there!

    Well, there you go then. I wish I could say this was an April Fools joke of some kind, but I think this guy really brought the crazy out for this one.

    For the record, there’s actually a lot that’s GOOD about this post, too — the imagery is vivid, he has a good sense of cadence, and for the most part his spelling is accurate. And after about the fourth or fifth time reading through the post, you can start to get a general sense of the narrative. But there’s a lot that’s wrong with it, too.

  • YSaC, Vol. 256: Granny panties!

    Pantyhose – $7

    Cleaning out granny’s dresser and she had bunches of pantyhose, some are vintage! As you can see in the pic…. some have white or cream colored panties with a sandstone hose. One pair is more like a girdle top with hose attached. And one pair are dark sheer with the dark colored heel and toe that were probably back from the 1960’s!!! This pair is obviously been worn, the others look new, but I couldnt swear to it! Please note these are not for plus size people, granny was small and from the tags in the pantyhose they are mostly listed as average! There’s 11 pairs total for only $7 Cash only, pick up only!

    If this ad is still appearing…… then the item is still available. Dont clutter up my mailbox asking stupid questions like “Is it still available?” Especially 5 minutes after the ad appeared! Ill just delete the email w/o answering it! I try to list all info with the ad including a picture. If I dont have one, then its not included, so dont write asking, “Do you have a picture?” Obviously I dont! Prices listed are what I would like to receive for an item, you’re welcome to write and make me a decent offer and I might accept it unless I list the price as “FIRM”! For the low ball offers, you know what you can do with them! Those will be deleted also! If you’re really interested in the item, write and tell me what day and time you would like to come out to purchase the item! And please show up when you say you will or email me to reschedule! My time is as valuable as yours and waiting for someone to show up is taking away from things I have to do.

    Phoebe sends this one in, saying, “Wow. I really love that this person is a) selling off granny’s pantyhose collection and b) spends more time basically telling interested parties to fuck off in one way or another than she does describing the pantyhose.”

    I want to email this charming person and say, “Are they still available? Do you have pictures of the dark sheer pair? What size are they all? I’ll give you $3 for all of them, and I can show up sometime between Wednesday and two Thursdays from now.”

    Anyway, I’m aware that some vintage lingerie is actually desirable. Dead Granny’s possibly-used pantyhose? I’m going to categorize that one under “ew.”

  • YSaC, Vol. 255: Exactly how many choirs are there?

    $1 Feamle roomy needed.

    I’m a Male in my 30’s, in need of a Female room mate, 19 to 27, Free rent and a car, keep the house clean and do the choirs. Plus a few things more ( Personal.)
    No Drugs, No Drama. U must send a Picture or a Myspace link.
    I just don’t have the time to do anything. Just work too much.
    Tell me a bit about you, to insure it’s not spam mail.

    You mean, more personal than doing the choirs? How many people are in each choir? I mean, if it’s the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep the house clean.

    I think this one needs a translation. Here’s how I’m reading it — anyone got a better translation?

    I’m a male in my 30s who is incapable of forming or maintaining a meaningful relationship. I’m looking for a female with low self-esteem who will act like my mother during the day and a sperm receptacle in the evenings. I will maintain that this is a business relationship so that when I get bored of you I can toss you away like garbage. Oh, but I’m shallow, so you should be hot.