You Suck at Craigslist

Category: personals

  • YSaC, Vol. 211: Love is in the air, everywhere you look around …

    On this, the most romantic of days, I bring you some of the people out there who are wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places, including Craigslist.

    Watched the news lately? – 48

    Seeking a lady that is aware of what the future will bring. A survivalist. I would like to find a lady who is under 50 and capable of growing a garden and first aid. A lady that can operate and take care of a horse, tractor, a truck, and an ATV. Must be capable of self-defense! Trapping, reloading and knife sharpening skill is a plus! Looks not too important besides being in good physical shape although big t*ts are a plus. Must currently be self-sufficient! If you have any equipment, send photo and description. We’ll see about the relationship discussion after we get past these requirements. I hope you like the smell of diesel! Smoke or drink, OK. No drugs! Don’t be scared, reply back to me! Criminals, gays and blacks need not apply. Not my flavor

    What flavor are gays? To me, it seems like they’d be minty.

    And you know, if your t*ts are too big, you won’t be able to sharpen knives very well. They also seem like they might be a hindrance in the whole “tractor and ATV” thing.

    All right, ladies, maybe he’s not your type. Let’s try this one:

    Would you like to star in an episode of “Cheaters”? – 26

    Things are nonexistent in the bedroom with my wife. I’m looking to have a little fun, and maybe even my 15 minutes of fame. You could get your 15 minutes too. Not from me, I don’t last that long. I mean on camera. Think of how fun it will be meeting for coffee early in the morning, sneaking away from work or school for a secret “lunch”, and meeting late at night in the parking lot of the Kroger or HEB. All the while, we can play “spot the camera” or “spot the night vision goggles”. If you’re worried about how the wife will react when she sees us fooling around, don’t be. Her wrath will be directed only to me. While I’m getting my ass kicked, you can use that time to pose for the camera or tell your story of how you were the real victim in all this. The only requirement is that you are a woman over 18. I want to be on “Cheaters”, not “To Catch a Predator”.

    Morally corrupt, but not bankrupt. At least the man has ambition.

    No? Wow, you folks are picky. Okay, how about this one?

    29 Guy looking for a good friend – 29

    i like to stay in shape.treat girls to a very nice dinner.i like to do lots of outdorrs things since im a surveyor.i been so many places.i have been to almost every amusment park in the usa and one in tokyo.you name it i done it.i dont have no tatoos and dont drink but will go to clubs.i dont do drugs.i like to keep my bills caught up 2 months ahead.im just looking for some company and a good friend.on another note i do get girls starring at me all the time so you can not get mad if they look but i never cheat and never will thats my moddle.my sis says im to sweet to girls.i just say i want to the girl to feel like a princess when she is with me.i never hit a girl and never will.feel free to email me and ill give you my number and we can talk and if we hit it off just maby you might be dating me.please send me a picture with your email to my email.

    v-day1

    Girls, if you’re lucky, you might be dating him. And his ego. But at least he has a moddle. I had a moddle once, but it got muddled. Once you get your moddle muddled it’s all over.

    All right, gentlemen, all right, I hear you saying, “But what about us? Help us out in the romance department too!” Ask, and ye shall receive. For you, I have selected this fine young thang:

    Looking for love, in the world… of warcraft – 18

    I am 5’9, green eyes, have dirty blone hair, 110 pounds, full c cups, and an applebottom ass. I enjoy world of warcraft and rap music. Looking for a cool and funny guy with atleast a level 80 World of Warcraft toon. If you wanna hook up send me a pic and a link to your armory page.

    She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it.

    And in the spirit of inclusivity (unlike our first potential love match):

    To The Girl Whose Vagina I Saw – w4w

    Hey baby, I saw your vagina at my house once.
    Ditch my brother and get with me 😉
    I’m only a room away, you know where to find me!

    v-day2

    This was posted under “Missed Connections.” I always thought lesbian mating rituals involved cats, not piglets. But hey, that’s a really nice carpet; I wonder if it matches the drapes.

    So there you go, folks; a cornucopia of romantic possibilities. No need to thank me: I’m a matchmaker at heart. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Thanks to the submitters: jwc, trueredtx, Lesley, and Kim.

  • YSaC, Vol. CXCI

    hot chic from ohio in my computer class – m4w – 33

    hi we r in same computer class at [abbreviated college name] ..u said u were form ohio , mason i beleve near kings island..i think u r the most sexiest woman i have ever seen .. the way ur shirt help tight against ur body showin ur nice firm tits.. and ur sexy body i would love ot lick up and down… if u think u knwo who u r what was the teacher jking about if u ever hung out withteh guy that did what at kings island?.. hit me up maybe we can hook up discreetly and talk or whatever

    Any way this turns out, this is destined for disaster.

    First of all, let’s assume that the girl sees this. Who would go out (or “hook up and talk or whatever”) with a guy who wrote this? And by “write”, I mean, “randomly poked at letters on the keyboard in a vain attempt to communicate.” And if she does see it — how uncomfortable is she going to feel in that class now? It would be enough to make me drop the class and file a harassment charge and restraining order, honestly.

    Let’s be charitable, though, and pretend that the girl in question is somehow charmed by his description and decides to let him lick her up and down. They marry. They breed. See? Disaster.

    Now let’s assume that she doesn’t see it, and remains blissfully oblivious to his romantic keyboard single-finger stabbings. It’s still a symphony of fail, with a suck encore.

    Sent in by Cheryl — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. CLXXXV

    Broke assed limp *ick burned out washed up dead beat stoner seeks

    youngish female for making babies and living happily ever after..

    The good folks from Dating is Weird send along this one, saying “I’m all for truth and honesty but jesus christ man. Seriously? Your dick doesn’t work and yet you want to reproduce? How do you plan to do that? No no, wait. Actually I don’t want to know. Yuck.”

    I have to agree — the honesty is simultaneously refreshing and abhorrent. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that this ad was posted by my ex.

  • YSaC, Vol. CLXXX

    This one is behind a cut because it’s liberal with the four- (and six-, and seven-) letter words. Just a warning for anyone who might potentially be shocked by that and might want to ask if I’m okay or something.

    To all my “Friends” (Doesn’t matter anymore…)

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. CLXIX

    Sex Coaching for Women and Couples – Free!! m4mw – m4w – 47

    Does your sex life go like this?
    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. CLVIII

    Another one from BF, who brought us the part-time tramp yesterday …

    looking for ski ticket…. – w4m

    blow for blow…
    simple….

    Sure, that seems simple … except that again, it’s in “Casual Encounters”. And it seems like a euphemism for something. Is she offering oral sex for a ski ticket? Or is “ski ticket” itself a euphemism for something? The “blow for blow” part is making me wonder if she’s looking for coke. (I’m not always so quick at the drug references, as we know.)

    In the immortal words of Charles De Mar, “This mountain is pure snow! Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is?”

    Not exactly simple anymore. Or maybe I’m just overthinking it … it wouldn’t be the first time.

    Edited to add: Darn it, I had a clip of “Better Off Dead” cued up to that exact scene, and YouTube removed the clip between the time I posted the entry and now. Phooey.