$500 Seeking Sane Straight White Male Roommate
I am seeking a sane, white straight male roommate anywhere in the San Diego area. I will place rent in your hand every month, without fail, every month I will do this. In return I need a room in which I can have some peace and quite and get at the very least 8 hours of sleep at night. I sleep at night. I am a white, 36 year old straight white male. Here are the absolute necessities you need to know about me, I’m educated, ex-military, clean cut and very neat. I have a 125 IQ. I am an avid reader. I don’t use drugs of any kind. Coffee is my vice. I do not smoke. I am not wanted by the law. I am not married. I’ve never been married, don’t believe in it (Consult www.nomarriage.com for more data). I do not have children (I bring news of freedom!). I do not use prostitutes, however, I do date North American women from time to time out of pure necessity because of the available dating pool, no worries, for my own physical, financial and legal security I make absolutely certain it never lasts and I rarely bring them into the house. I do not have pets, but I do like all animals, except small monkeys, they tear things up on purpose, bite, deficate on things and generally act like North American women. They’re just weird. Most important I have $500 rent money to place in your hand on the first of the month, every month until Jesus, Buddah, Allah, Vishnu, Shiva, Jonathon Smith, Shangdi, Rama, Yahweh, Mohammad or whatever invisible man you pray to returns for the rent you think you owe him, or you want a different roommate. I will place the rent directly in your hand on the first of every month, unless I am dead or in a comma, in which case I will have it placed in your hand by one of my associates. I will also supply you with copies of my IDs and birth certificate upfront. A common scam now on Craigslist is that women who have run their husbands or boyfriends off and have a large rent or mortgage are auditioning boyfriends and potential husbands under the guise of the “roommate” needed posting on Craigslist. Nice try trying to kill two birds with one stone ladies, but the gig is up. Twice now I’ve moved in with a woman so we could be roommates, when they learn I don’t want to date them, marry them or sleep with them, then the deal is off and I’m out part of rent and/or a deposit. It was literally not within their sphere of capabilities to have rent placed in their hands and then leave me alone. I even had a female roommate one time that I did make the mistake of sleeping with and because of that, and the fact that I’m not fired up on the idea of marriage and kids, yep, I had to go. No win situation with these North American Gals. New rule: No more women roommates. I enjoy drinking a couple of beers on the weekend, some wine, and I like classical music and smooth jazz. My aim is simple, I want a roommate that will allow me to sleep at night and go to work and to the beach. I love to hang out at the beach and surf. I have NO drama in my life. It was years in the making but I finally achieved it. I will impinge NO drama on you and I expect the same in exchange for rent. If this sounds like a workable deal to you then contact me. If I have to put up with your insane girlfriend or her insane friends or an ex-wife harrassing you at the front door at 2 AM, or you chain smoke in the house or apartment, drop LSD or smoke dope and talk about the time you navigated an experimental spacecraft for NASA over the mediteranian in order to fight off alien invaders, or the time you survived a full on fire fight in Vietnam, or cry about your ex, or you want to convert me to any kind of Judeo-Christian religion in order to ensure your, or my, eternal place in paradise, or you are on anti-depreasants of any kind, you’re going through a nasty divorce, you’re gay or bi-sexual, federal agents are seeking you out for something you did 20 years ago, you’re into midget porn, you want to involve me in any kind of pyramid scheme or multi-level marketing scheme to assist in supporting the kids you get to see twice a year and make a little money on the side for myself; I have plenty of money to support my lifestyle, and plenty of things to work on that keep me busy, thanks, if you want me to be a guest speaker at your Alcoholics Anonymous wednesday night meeting, or attend your bi-monthly “Survivors of Throat Cancer” support group with you, attend church services with you, I mean anything that is indicitive of any kind of weird self-created drama that I will have to experience myself at one time or another as a result of renting a room in your home, other than the normal arbitrary nonsense life throws at us guys, then NO DEAL. I am NOT jumping on any bandwagons with you and I will never ask you to either. I WILL clean up after myself, take the trash out, keep the place clean and keep the noise down, be gone during normal business hours most days, in fact there may be many days that pass that you do not even see me, this was a concern to my female roommates for some reason, but If I did some work from home for a day or two, that was a concern as well, you follow? Most important and most overlooked…. I will pay you rent on the 1st of every month. I don’t do deposits, been burned twice now by women. These women think they are running apartment complexes with benefits. If you have a deposit, consider my deposit to you for you getting such a great solid roommate $5 higher than yours, so you owe me 5 bucks right off the bat and I’ll take that off my first months rent. No deposit, no problem and you don’t owe me that 5 spot. I don’t do contracts either, you are not a corporation, neither am I. If I wanted a contract I would get an overpriced apartment downtown on my own. That way, the day you decide you don’t want a roommate or that you are moving , or I decide I need to go live on an island, grow a beard and drink coconut milk to survive then I can leave without any…. you guessed it, drama. I am not 17 years old, I do not punch holes in the walls, set fires in the living room or conduct down range target practice with BB guns in the kitchen while you are at work so no need for a deposit. I pay you rent on arrival, I keep paying rent every month on the 1st, we’re both happy. The day I do not pay you rent that I owe you, you have my express permission to place all of my belongings in a neat pile in your backyard or street and light them on fire, except for my wetsuit and surfboard, I’ll need those, call me on my cell phone first though as I will bring it to you ASAP and place it without any detour into your hand. I want to work, sleep, make money, produce and go to the beach and enjoy life on the west coast. Let me close by further clarifying the word roommate for us both. Room.Mate /ˈrumˌmeɪt, ˈrʊm-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [room-meyt, room-] Show IPA -noun: a person who is assigned to share or shares a room or apartment with another or others. Origin: 1780–90, Americanism; room + mate. Now put that definition into your own words, use it in some sentences until you feel you have a firm grasp of it and lastly look up the derivation of the word in a dictionary so you can see it’s original meaning from Late to Modern Latin. It seems I am the last of a dying breed folks, I know there are other North American Men left out there like me that need or want a good solid roommate. Let me hear from you. Thanks – John xxx.xxx.xxxx or email at xxx_xxxxx_xxxxxxx@hotmail.com
I’d say something witty, but I think he used up all the words. It’s rather a lot of drama to explain that he’s not into drama, isn’t it? And this is just the “absolute necessities” that you need to know about him … imagine what else there is!
“I do not have pets, but I do like all animals, except small monkeys, they tear things up on purpose, bite, deficate on things and generally act like North American women. They’re just weird.”
Just your daily dose of misogyny and homophobia, with a wee bit of racism thrown in for good measure. But at least he isn’t into drama.
