YSaC, Vol. 279: I can has vampire?

2009 April 22

Searching for a vampire – m4m

So I’m in desperate search of a vampire. Its been 19 long years and through all my effort to find one, you all still seem to evade me. Though I’m truly not surprised at all. I mean I know that you guys generally don’t associate with humans and view us rather as prey, but I had hoped that I would have ran into at least one of you by now. Guess, If you guys don’t want to be found you wont. I’m particularly sure that my search was unsuccessful because I manly searched in the day and lord knows you guys hate the sun. I would have searched at night but I have to sleep and I think I would like rather suspicious roaming dark alleys,tunnel ways,and god knows what other sources that hold the dark well at 3am. So I think this is my last resort. If your a vampire please,please contact me! Male or female is fine.
I no longer wish to be a pathetic human. I want to become a child of the night. I know the transition of going from human to vampire can be rather difficult. From being bite, dying, reawakening as a child of the darkness,getting used to your fangs, so on and so fourth. But I’m very willing to go through it all to shed this pathetic existence as a mortal. I’m willing to leave my family,friends,and old life behind to become one of you. I’m thinking that perhaps you can bite me in my house, and while I’m passed out, put my body in the shower and turn it on. Maybe that way it will look like I slipped,fell,and died. Then call 911 and alert the police.(Your a vampire so its not like any human will be able to trace the call back to you,let alone find you). They take my body to the morgue,put me in the fridge,have my funeral a few days later and you come that night and dig me back up. Hopefully I should be awake by then.(How long does it take for the whole vampire process to be complete. Is it instantaneous?) I figure a proper funeral will give my family some closure,rather than me just disappearing.
I also don’t have a lot of money,so I’m probably going to have to take my coffin with me, so I’ll have somewhere to sleep in the day(unless we just wonder from place to place). I figure a good source of payment for having to go through all of this will be you biting me and having a free meal of my blood. I really would like to follow you for a few months so I can get the do’s and dont’s of our lifestyle. I’ve heard its hard out there for a new vampire on his own. So If you think you are able to help me out please contact me. I’m sure you can find me no problem.

P.S- If you turn into a bat to get into my house,please fly upstairs and into the room on the left and just hang on the wall till I get home. Nobody goes in there and MAKE SURE ITS THE ROOM ON THE LEFT! If my aunt sees you, she will literally have a heart attack and hit you with a broom.

Yep, the whole “having to sleep” thing really puts a crimp in your vampire-searching style, doesn’t it?

I think the worst part about becoming a vampire would be the “getting used to your fangs” part. I mean, you’d be biting your own lip all the time, and you’d have to wait for the calluses to build up on your cheeks like when you get braces for the third time because you never wore your retainer.

I wonder if vampires ever have to get braces to keep their fangs straight? There must be vampire orthodontists. Nothing would be worse than a vampire with an overbite.

Unless it’s being a vampire and being hit with a broom. Thank goodness our poster thought of that contingency and warned against it. It’s the ROOM ON THE LEFT, for heaven’s sake!

I think someone’s been reading a little too much of the Twilight series. Here’s something I don’t get — how come Buffy never shows up in the Twilight series? I mean, she’s a vampire slayer, right? SHE’S SUPPOSED TO SLAY VAMPIRES. What, just because Willow has a new gig, she’s not fighting evil anymore? … Or maybe Neil Patrick Harris is really a vampire, and Willow is just biding her time until she can slay him. Okay, that makes sense.

Well, about as much sense as this Craigslist post, anyway.

Sent in by “Nuclear Mosquito” (speaking of vampires …) — thanks!

42 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 April 22
    Jackie permalink

    “like when you get braces for the third time because you never wore your retainer”

    I am so glad I’m not the only one who went through that experience! I now consider myself lucky to have only needed to have my braces reinstalled once.

    Technically I’ve also had fangs. When I was a baby, my canine teeth came in first for some reason, so I looked like a tiny little vampire.

    Adores: 7
  2. 2009 April 22
    Libby permalink

    hm. vampires, huh? I suppose no one told him the truth about the Wolf-man, Big Foot, Santa, or the Tooth Fairy either.

    Adores: 1
  3. 2009 April 22
    Jackie permalink

    Oh, and I can’t believe I missed the opportunity to say this the first time I commented: this ad puts the “suck” in “you suck at Craigslist”.

    Adores: 9
  4. 2009 April 22
    Daniel permalink

    He may only have searched during the day, but at least it was a manly search.

    Adores: 8
  5. 2009 April 22
    specialkt permalink

    “I think I would like rather suspicious roaming dark alleys”…interesting typo…i think his subconcious is saying something here

    Adores: 8
  6. 2009 April 22
    Colleen in MA permalink

    Iโ€™m thinking that perhaps you can bite me in my house, and while Iโ€™m passed out, put my body in the shower and turn it on.

    OMG – if I had a dime for every time I uttered that line!

    Adores: 18
  7. 2009 April 22
    Ashley permalink

    Buffy doesn’t show up in the Twilight series, because those aren’t real vampires.
    Real vampires don’t sparkle in the sun, or eat bears.

    Ask this guy, he would know right? Haha.

    Adores: 3
  8. 2009 April 22
    Amy H. permalink

    [Italic]I can has vampire?[/italic] ROFL I so pictured a cute cuddly lolcat with vampire fangs.

    Adores: 0
  9. 2009 April 22
    Amy H. permalink

    And I suck at posting….. (sorry for the italic fiasco)

    Adores: 0
  10. 2009 April 22

    Sorry, but I have to disagree. . . I think this guy rules at craigslist!

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 April 22
      drmk permalink

      The line between “Best of Craigslist” and “You Suck at Craigslist” is admittedly very thin sometimes.

      Adores: 9
      • 2012 September 29
        DigitalAxis permalink

        “You are notable on Craigslist”

        Adores: 1
  11. 2009 April 22
    jackie31337 permalink

    Whenever vampires are involved, I think it’s safest to err on the side of suck.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 April 22
      jackie31337 permalink

      Darnit, that was supposed to nest with the comments above it.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 April 22
        J0seyW4les permalink

        Improper nesting could result in stripping of your l337 status

        Adores: 0
        • 2009 April 23
          Jackie permalink

          It’s my zip code ๐Ÿ˜›

          Adores: 0
  12. 2009 April 22
    dogface permalink

    Am I the only one reminded of the Cirque du Freak series?

    Adores: 0
  13. 2009 April 22
    Shanti permalink

    If I were a vampire, I don’t care how desperate for a meal I was, I definitely wouldn’t be showing up at this guy’s house. Who would want someone like him following them around for all eternity? “Come on, Drac! It’s hard out there for a new vampire on his own! I’ll just hang out with you for a couple more decades…”

    Adores: 10
  14. 2009 April 22
    Anonymous permalink

    I love you so much right now!

    Adores: 0
  15. 2009 April 22

    I find it hard to tell if they’re taking the piss. facepalm.jpg if not, and LULZ if so?

    Adores: 0
  16. 2009 April 22
    candace permalink

    I really don’t think they should’ve posted this under ‘Strictly Platonic’; maybe more like ‘Slightly Moronic’! But at least it’s well thought-out.

    Adores: 3
  17. 2009 April 22
    manz permalink

    Yay, Buffy references! You have made my night because that’s how much of a dork I am ๐Ÿ™‚

    Adores: 2
  18. 2009 April 23
    haha permalink

    hahaha I’m trying to picture Nosferatu surfing craigslist in his cript. Don’t vampires have better things to do? They’re busy battling werewolves, seducing chicks, lurking in alleyways, etc. Not looking for lonely dudes to rescue on craigslist. btw how old is this guy? a 19 year long search??

    Adores: 2
  19. 2009 April 25
    Dayna permalink

    I cannot believe you have not seen this T-Shirt yet! http://www.jinx.com/men/shirts/geek/buffy_staked_edward.html?catid=1&cs=2&csd=1

    Adores: 1
  20. 2011 November 12
    Lawfixer permalink

    Hold on, hold on. He’s been searching for 19 years, yet he still lives with his aunt? How old is this guy?

    Adores: 1
  21. 2012 September 29

    Oh, the night is my world.
    Vampire sought, boy or girl.
    Come and bite me at my place.
    Will these fangs work with my face?

    Adores: 4
  22. 2012 September 29
    Lizzi permalink

    Crazy nerds are the funniest nerds ever.

    Adores: 2
  23. 2012 September 29

    Well, as long as I have to be in the box all day, I might as well be a vampire. Right, ghostie?

    Adores: 0
  24. 2012 September 29
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    I figure a proper funeral will give my family some closure,rather than me just disappearing

    The embalming or cremation will give you some closure too.

    Adores: 4
  25. 2012 September 29
    Brer Fox permalink

    Sparky? Did you look in the Vampire State Building?

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 September 29
      DigitalAxis permalink

      Go Vampire State! Beat Cluthu Tech!

      Adores: 1
  26. 2012 September 29
    Brer Fox permalink

    Sparky has probably been told “you suck” so many times, he’s finally decided to show those people what sucking really is.

    Adores: 1
  27. 2012 September 29
    Brer Fox permalink

    Hey Sparky! There are vampires at Walmart! I saw one in the cereal isle. I think his name is Count Chocula.

    Adores: 1
  28. 2012 September 29
    DigitalAxis permalink

    This raises an interesting question: We’ve mythologized the power and sexual attraction of vampires so much that they’re now desireable options, rather than things to be feared. What are the UNDESIRABLE qualities we’ve been ignoring? Murder, yes, but both Forever Knight and Twilight gave us a way around that.

    Adores: 1
  29. 2012 September 30

    Dear ghostcat:

    I punch you, you punch me,
    We are snarky family
    With a great big Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good morning, Children of the Night!

    Adores: 1
  30. 2012 November 9
    Vampire man permalink

    yes we Vampires do exist, Lestat is my next door neighbour and Count Dracula I haven’t seen him in years I had an argument with him a hundred years ago. After four hundred years I am the oldest living Vampire in the World. I won’t bite you though who are u I must fly in become a bat and bite you in your house as much as your invitation appeals to me i most regretable have to decline.

    Adores: 0

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