You Suck at Craigslist

Category: strictly platonic

  • YSaC, Vol. 453: [Error: age must be a real number.]

    Summer fun with your Daughter? – w4m

    Hi, New to area, looking for open-minded man for some fun. I am ”’ lb. and have ish hair and blue eyes. Would like to find a play mate for kinky role playing encounters for my boyfriend and I , must be open-minded. Looking for someone who loves to recieve oral and give facials! Those with a pic on profile will get first response. Would prefer them to be local and with in the age limit of

    Aunty Christ sends this ad in, saying, “This is great because (1) The headline alone is priceless. But the idea of “summer fun with your daughter” in conjunction with kinky role playing, facials, and oral is pretty gag-worthy. (2) I have ish hair too! We will get along wonderfully. (3) This was posted in “strictly platonic.” Someone needs to explain some words to some people. Or ‘people.’ “

  • YSaC, Vol. 444: Why don’t you come with me, little girl …

    Dryer ride – strange request – 55

    I know this sounds like a strange request but I am looking for someone who owns a laundromat or works at a hotel and has access to a large commercial size clothes dryer. I am looking to take a ride inside the dryer. I am looking to spin inside the dryer for one minute. I used to do this in my younger years and I enjoyed it.

    I am 55 and heavy set and as such am looking for a commercial size dryer.

    If you have access to a dryer and interested let me know. I will gladly make it worth your time.

    You know, the tag says it all on this one. I can’t help but imagine that this guy has the worst possible version of the Bad Idea Bears from Avenue Q in his head.

    BIB: “You should get into that microwave. It’s nice and warm in there!”

    Guy: “I’m not getting into the microwave. It’s small, and sticky, and I could die.”

    BIB: “That makes us saaaaaaad.”

    Guy: “Well, okay, maybe I’ll just get in for a minute.”

    BIB: “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” *beep beep beep START*

    Thanks for the submission, Carli!

  • YSaC, Vol. 404: Sponge bath time!

    Care Giver for Elderly Nudist – m4mw – 51

    Experienced Caregiver or Elder Babtsitting while you go to store etc. Im a nudist and will care for your elderly free
    if I can do it nude. Up to 3 hours free

    I have face id; a longtime resident of [location] and am dd free. Im 51 male and have cared for people for
    about 25 years, family mostlty.

    Let me know

    Wait … what? If I parse the title, it sounds as though someone is looking for a caregiver for an elderly nudist. In the ad, though, it turns out you want to take care of old people while YOU, YOURSELF, ARE NUDE. And you’re willing to do it for free, IF YOU CAN DO IT NUDE.

    Oh. Hell. No. Look, I’m all for nudism, and I’m all for elder care, but some things just don’t mix, okay? And why is this posted in Strictly Platonic instead of, say, Volunteers or Services?

    Thanks for the submission, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 384: What if Veruca Salt used Craigslist?

    If you’re advertising on Craigslist looking for someone’s services, maybe it’s best not to be a jerk about it:

    NEED a Proven tato artist whos great and affordable

    need someone whos not a creep or a phony. willing to pay up to $200 for one tatoo on both arms. this will be permenet obviously, so I want it to be as close to perfection as possible. willing to negotiate price if tatoo artist i super good. email, txt pictures of past personal drawings ( i will make sure you YOURSELF drew them. I wil also check your ID to make sure its you, and body check before you enter my place making sure you dont have shit on you. call me asap. seriously, the first person who calls will get a fair chance. the tatoo will happen at sunrise on the bay. I WANT A MIAMI DOLPHINS LOGO (they are my favorite team, if you have a problem with that then enjoy not making money. I also want a tattoo that reads LEENOY but in Biblical Hebrew text surrounded by some design. If you know, speak, or read hebrew thats a plus. please respond soon. thanks! want ears pierced too. if you have own credit card thing that be awesome, if not well go to to ATM AFTERHAND, I WILL NOT PAY BEFORE IM SATISFIED WITH THE TATTOOS. xxx-xxx-xxxx. if your a joker, ill block ur number

    How can you make sure that someone drew something? Would you say, “Here, draw this again in front of me, so that I knew you drew this”? And I’m not exactly up on the current rates for tattoos, but doesn’t $200 for two tattoos and two piercings seem a little low to you?

    Have you considered all that rontatooman could offer you?

    I need a therapist – w4m – 25

    If you have a degree in psychology or counseling and you are just so sick of getting paid to listen to someone complain and you want to her some one cry for free you should write to me. I was just dumped by my boyfriend after he found out I was sexually assaulted by one of his roommates. His other roommate is my best friend who happens to be dating my attacker and now she wont talk to me either. I recently graduated and can’t find a job. I just put my home on the market and I’ve got no place to go.

    If you’ve got a should that’s longing to be soaked with tears let me know.

    384

    That’s right, if you’re a trained, licensed therapist and you’re sick of getting paid to listen to people complain, why not do it for free?

    (I’m not saying that this person doesn’t need some help — if she was assaulted, she should definitely talk to authorities — but this is probably not the way to go about it. You know, versus free clinics and the like.)

    Possibly even more oddly, this was posted in Strictly Platonic. One wonders what her relationship with other therapists has involved.

    Thanks to Kimberly for the demanding tattoo recipient ad and to Aunty Christ for the therapy ad!

  • YSaC, Vol. 365: I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do Kathryn.

    Fabulous girl – w4m (las vegas )

    <Judy
    Name Kathryn
    Age Years

    Poor Kathryn. She’s always getting compared to Judy. Even non-sentient computers are doing it now.

    Wait, I’m confused. Which one’s fabulous? If Judy is fabulous, what does that make Kathryn? And if Kathryn is fabulous, what superlative does that leave for Judy?

    Less than Judy would be a awesome name for a band, though.

    Submitted by Doug — thanks!

    And just in case you haven’t seen it yet, be sure to check out the live video version of one our earlier spambot postings — it’s so worth it.

  • YSaC, Vol. 334: I don’t even wanna know.

    Smooth or Chunky – m4w – 25

    Looking for an attractive female to pose nude or partially nude for amateur art. I am not creepy. I will pay you in peanut butter.

    I know this is a euphemism for something, but I really, really don’t want to know what.

    What’s the current exchange rate for US $ to peanut butter? You mention both the smooth and chunky options in the headline — is the exchange rate different depending on whether the peanut butter is chunky or creamy? Reduced fat? Organic? What if the model has a horrible allergy to peanut butter — what alternate currency are you prepared to offer? The pinto bean market is way down these days, so no self-respecting model would work for that. Have you considered all that bananas have to offer as a currency? I mean, they come in bunches, so they’re easy to transport and count. And they come in their own convenient carrying case.

    Thank goodness he’s not creepy, though, because that would just be weird.

    Thanks (I think) for the submission, Ellen!