YSaC, Vol. 384: What if Veruca Salt used Craigslist?
If you’re advertising on Craigslist looking for someone’s services, maybe it’s best not to be a jerk about it:
NEED a Proven tato artist whos great and affordable
need someone whos not a creep or a phony. willing to pay up to $200 for one tatoo on both arms. this will be permenet obviously, so I want it to be as close to perfection as possible. willing to negotiate price if tatoo artist i super good. email, txt pictures of past personal drawings ( i will make sure you YOURSELF drew them. I wil also check your ID to make sure its you, and body check before you enter my place making sure you dont have shit on you. call me asap. seriously, the first person who calls will get a fair chance. the tatoo will happen at sunrise on the bay. I WANT A MIAMI DOLPHINS LOGO (they are my favorite team, if you have a problem with that then enjoy not making money. I also want a tattoo that reads LEENOY but in Biblical Hebrew text surrounded by some design. If you know, speak, or read hebrew thats a plus. please respond soon. thanks! want ears pierced too. if you have own credit card thing that be awesome, if not well go to to ATM AFTERHAND, I WILL NOT PAY BEFORE IM SATISFIED WITH THE TATTOOS. xxx-xxx-xxxx. if your a joker, ill block ur number
How can you make sure that someone drew something? Would you say, “Here, draw this again in front of me, so that I knew you drew this”? And I’m not exactly up on the current rates for tattoos, but doesn’t $200 for two tattoos and two piercings seem a little low to you?
Have you considered all that rontatooman could offer you?
I need a therapist – w4m – 25
If you have a degree in psychology or counseling and you are just so sick of getting paid to listen to someone complain and you want to her some one cry for free you should write to me. I was just dumped by my boyfriend after he found out I was sexually assaulted by one of his roommates. His other roommate is my best friend who happens to be dating my attacker and now she wont talk to me either. I recently graduated and can’t find a job. I just put my home on the market and I’ve got no place to go.
If you’ve got a should that’s longing to be soaked with tears let me know.
That’s right, if you’re a trained, licensed therapist and you’re sick of getting paid to listen to people complain, why not do it for free?
(I’m not saying that this person doesn’t need some help — if she was assaulted, she should definitely talk to authorities — but this is probably not the way to go about it. You know, versus free clinics and the like.)
Possibly even more oddly, this was posted in Strictly Platonic. One wonders what her relationship with other therapists has involved.
Thanks to Kimberly for the demanding tattoo recipient ad and to Aunty Christ for the therapy ad!
So the first person is going to underpay the first tattoo artist who can draw well on paper? Yeah, drawing on paper is the same as using a needle to draw on skin.
The second person, really needs help but is looking in the wrong place. I really hope she reported the creep who attacked her. There are a lot of support groups she should be going to instead of advertising she’s a victim on the internet.
Okay, didn’t even get to the listing yet. I was already distracted by the need for a “tato artist”
I, too, would like a tato artist. Too few artists appreciate the lost artform of potato art…that is what this is about, right?
Delicious, delicious potato art!
The second one is really troubling, though.
I think she may be looking for something other than a therapist. I.e. a boyfriend who likes damaged women. I think we should send her to this guy.
Potato art made me think of that craft project where you cut a potato in half, carve a shape in it, then ink it and print on paper.
Counterfeiting?
And now I’ve read it, and am no closer to an answer than, “whuuuuH????”
Soooo, you want a tato or tatoo or tattoo (not sure which you’d prefer). You’d like ONE “tatoo” on BOTH arms, and you’d like them each different. I think maybe you missed the definition of “ONE” “Both”, as well as the difference between a Miami Dolphins logo and Hebrew lettering.
And you are going to body search someone when they show up?
So, what you really want is someone to show up at your place before sunrise, with their own equiptment and supplies, submit to a cavity search, do two totally different tattoos in the same sitting, and hope that you are satisfied enough to drive to an ATM and pay them afterward? For 200$ bucks?
I would REALLY like a follow up to some of these, but if we’re ridiculing them I doubt they’d send us updates on any feedback they got. Shame, because I’d love to see the tattoos this jackass would end up with.
I would really like to respond and give him a tattoo of two unicorns having sex.
“Oh, you wont pay until you’re satisfied with the tattoo, huh? Well, I’ll leave; no payment is necessary. Enjoy the unicorns humping on your arm, assclown.”
Brilliant. Add in some rainbows and that would be even better …
Throw in the Biblical Hebrew for “douchebag,” and we have ourselves a winner.
For the win.
And a San Diego Chargers logo, for free. 8)
corn flakes – that was exactly what I was thinking!! I hope someone does respond and do exactly that!
Hey, what’s the difference between a duck?
I was going to write something about Biblical Hebrew text, but it wouldn’t beat Spizzlefish’s comment, so that’s all I got.
OK, just wow to the “tato” post– I just finished my BA in English and it hurt on so many levels to read that.
I love “I wil also check your ID to make sure its you”
What if I have a fake ID and despite your checking and cavity searching it isn’t me after all? What then, little man?
When I read the title, I thought you were talking about the band. So now I’ve got their song “Seether” running through my head.
Can’t fight the seether!
(Same thing happens to me. I’ve got the song blaring right now to get it out of my head. It’s not helping.)
My “should” is ready for some tears. Well, at least the ones streaming down my face after reading this.
oooh body check. sign me up.
as for the lady who wants a free therapist, good *ucking luck.
I basically spent a year as an unpaid therapist. I called it a relationship, but mostly it was unpaid therapy. I’d like to say I learned my lesson, but I still find myself drawn to needy guys.
How *you* doin’?
Demanding much? Logically you could do research into local tattoo parlors and find out which ones are good.
But I guess they dont like being underpaid by condescending a-holes.
My favorite is the “they are my favorite team”. I would hope you wouldn’t tattoo yourself with a team that you’re ambivalent towards.
Wouldn’t it be great if the second poster was making this up just to get some pity dates and get the new “shoulder to cry on” to fall in love with her. It’d be like a romantic-comedy film or a bad sitcom.
I’ll stick with that, because any deeper thought on the situation might bum me out. Then i would need to find a free therapist on CL
Yes, $200 is very cheap for two tattoos and two piercings. This is why the OP is advertising on Craigslist instead of, I don’t know, GOING TO A TATTOO SHOP. The part he conveniently forgot about in all of this is that beggars can’t be choosers.
Also…he’s going to check the artists’ ID? Why would they make up a name when they can just email any old drawing stolen from the internet and claim it’s theirs? I mean, why add a whole new level of unnecessary subterfuge by making up a fake name as well? “Hi! Here is a drawing I made. And my name is, uh, Bob Smith. Yeah.”
Okay, so tattoo artists and therapists are usually people who run their business out of actual buildings with other people where their business is regulated by law/professional organizations. I wonder what’s up with these that have made them accept the services of an unregulated free lancer. Do these people not have enough money to get services from a legitimate professional? Was Mr. Tato Man too much of a douchebag for the tattoo artists to deal with? Mr. Tato Man blocking somebody’s number is probably the best thing he can do for them. And the second person is just asking for trouble if she wants an unlicensed stranger to help her for free. :/ (I don’t want to mock the second poster since she does legitimately need help, but damn if she isn’t going about it all the wrong way.)
@dogface:
When you said tattoo artists are regulated by “professional organizations,” did you mean prison gangs?
No disrespect to licensed tattoo artists. But a large proportion of the tattoos done in this country are NOT done by licensed professionals.
Okay, as to the first posting, would it kill the poster to close off some of those parentheticals? It’s my own pet peeve. I don’t mind the stupidity of underpaying for tattoos – and if there’s something you want to underpay for, it’s body art which will be with you FOREVER – but let’s maintain some decorum and finish what we started.
) and ).
Whew. Now I’m feeling better.
As a recovering programmer, that drives me crazy too.
Thank you Nubbly, that was driving me crazy. I wonder if there should maybe be a disclamer placed under the post telling programmers to look to the comments for closure.
On second thought, they’ll probably end up doing what I did and head to the comments to complain or close the parenthesis theirselves.
I wonder if I should get a ‘tato’ of a matching set of parenthesis to draw attention to the plight of the world’s poor, forgotten brackets…
I have a set of earrings that say < head > on one earring and < /head > on the other.
I want!
P.S. Your llama looks like a nun to me, too. One with a blue veil.
awesome. I love HTML humor.
Everyone keeps saying that about the llama. I dont see the nun! It’s really frustrating. It’s like staring at a Magic Eye and not being able to see the rocketship!
Shit, it’s a llama?
I genuflected and everything.
I always thought it looked like a druid in robes until I looked closely.
That is awesome. Where do you get earrings like that?
I thought “druid” too! Am a bit disappointed at the llama normalcy, but maybe a bit relieved, too.
I found some HTML head earrings on some shop on Etsy.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=28640762
I may have to get some myself. ๐
LEENOY clearly has a Ph.D. in Ancient Languages because he?she? wants “Biblical Hebrew text,” not that tacky modern Hebrew text, and can tell the difference, and will not pay for the tacky modern version. Do not try to fool LEENOY.
And “afterhand”? That’s just brill! I plan to start using it, along with “beforewards.”
Yea, I don’t want to talk about the second post. If it’s true, she is in too bad a state to mock. And if it isn’t true, ditto.
But the first guy? LEENOY? Um… “Leenoy” in Biblical Hebrew means… diddly squat. Trust me on this, I am Israeli. Well, I can force it to mean “beauty for me”, but it’s a stretch and it does not make much sense and it is certainly NOT Biblical Hebrew.
But I’m sure we can figure out “some design” to put around it.
[rant]Whenever I hear someone ask for a tatoo in a language they do not understand (and it happens far more often than a sane person would think) I am always tempted to suggest the words for “I am a credulous fool.”[/rant]
Oooh, I bet the kanji for “Credulous fool” would look really pretty next to my tribal tattoo…
Whenever I see a person with a tattoo in an alphabet or language they likely don’t know, I always wonder if it says “pretentious, stupid [white, if applicable] guy.”
@ Lola: I have always suspected that, too!
I kind of want a tattoo in Chinese that says “I don’t know what my tattoo says.” Then I’ll tell people it means “luck and beauty” or some such bull.
One of my friends in college got a tattoo that was supposed to say “true power comes from within” but really said “I am an asshole but my c*ck is huge”.
Srsly.
I’m amazed at the number of people with ink who love Japanese maple, or something like that. They all have a kanji character pronounced “ki,” usually just below their shoulder. “Ki” is like the Chinese “chi” or “qi” and means all this newage stuff about energy, spirituality, blah, blah, blah.
The “ki” most of them have engraved on their flesh translates to “tree.” The two characters look nothing alike. Confusing the homophones is like Engrish in reverse.
Since David Beckham got a Hebrew tattoo I’ve been seeing inappropriate hebrew tats all the time. Usually they are technically fine, even pretty, but often have the gender or adjective / noun agreement weird.
Beckham’s is a love poem (from the biblical song of songs) written addressing a male lover. Not sure that’s what he was going for.
I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it, but isn’t getting tattoos against some part of the kosher rules? Something about not permanently marking the flesh or something. That makes the idea of a Hebrew tattoo somewhat ironic.
@Cled:
I’m pretty sure LEENOY is the OP’s nickname in English, and he/she thinks it would be cool to have it in Hebrew. Would it even be possible to spell that in Hebrew? Who knows.
Reminds me of a question I saw on Yahoo!Answers once. It was something like, “Um hi ya my names um like Kristen n I wuz wondern coud sumbode tell me what dose my name mean n Japanese?”
We tried to tell her her name doesn’t mean shit in Japanese, because it’s not a Japanese name, and she wasn’t having it. That’s when I learned about these “Japanese Kanji Generators” which will take your name, transliterate it into Kanji characters, and give you some bullshit meaning like “Peace Strength Bleeding the Rosebud Grilled Cheese.”
Way late to the party I know but I’m still working my way through the archives. Anyhoo, this reminded me of an episode of Jonathan Creek (UK comedy/crime/drama type show, if you haven’t seen it) – one of the characters is a stage magician and an arrogant cheating so-and-so. He has (in this ep) a girlfriend who’s a long-haul stewardess and has just come back from Japan, bringing him a beautiful silk dressing gown with Japanese script down the front. He is showing it off to a cynical journalist, trying to impress him, only for the journalist to point out that he reads Japanese – and the script says “I am a piece of shit”.
“afterhand” can be so useful in so many contexts then maybe we could use “beforefoot” as well?
Of all the tato (tatto? Tatooo? Damn it’s sooooo hard to spell!) craziness, this is my favorite part: “the tatoo will happen at sunrise on the bay.” So the tattoo artist should come to your house with two forms of (preferably) government-issued ID, allow you to “body check” them (is this wrestling or a strip search?) to determine you’re not dealing with a “joker” (don’t need two in the room) and THEN you guys are going to go down to the BAY, where s/he will defy the laws of physics by giving you ONE tattoo on BOTH of your arms? Am I understanding this correctly?
The BAY is an obvious reference to a Baptism of some sort so I’m sure there will be some dunking involved in all this po’tato-ing [and some magic as well with the two taters at once miracle].
However, I’m confused (an understatement) as to how the Baptism relates to the Hebrew symbolism he requires [better get it right damnit!].
This guy brings new meaning to the term oxy-MORON! What a ‘tard [hopefully, with some luck, this will be the Hebrew text he will ultimately be wearing forever without being any the wiser].
And don’t forget, this is all happening at night, so you can get to the bay before sunrise, in order to allow for set up time.
Ugh. I have been a Miami Dolphins fan since I was in 6th grade. My fear now is that every time I see their logo I will think of this tool. I foresee some major psychological issues for myself in the future.
Maybe you should post an ad looking for a free therapist?
Already on it. Just need to snap a photo of myself walking on a beach.
Yeah, of course I’m a tato artist! See my ID? I’m an operator class, organ donor, tato artist. And this sharpie? It totally says permanent. Of course I can draw a dolphin or whatever. Bend over, let’s do this thing! Gotta hurry though cause after this I’m going to meet this chick who needs free therapy. That’s on my license too.
He *may* be able to get away with $200 for the tattoos, depending on size and amount of color ink. But add in the piercings and $200 is much too low. He should just go to the mall for that, Claire’s shouldn’t be more than $20 and the earrings are free! Or is it that the piercing is free and you buy the earrings? Eh, either way.
As for the second one…yeah…I’d suggest calling RAINN. Not posting on Craigslist.
“….body check before you enter my place making sure you dont have shit on you.”
So on top of everything else, a sparklin’ clean colon is also a requirement?? I mean, I’ve heard of full body cavity searches before, but isn’t this taking it a bit far?
I’d be willing to help the guy out (I do have a home-built po’tato gun, after all)….but since I habitually carry a small Ziploc baggy full of cow dung (it’s a South Dakota good-luck charm…has to be from a registered Simmental heifer, however) I don’t think I’d pass muster. Oh well, his loss.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO good !! a registered heifer ! such a brain! thanks for cheering up my Thursday
I’ll be the ballsy one. Well, I would, if I had balls… anyway.
2nd post… She was dumped for being sexually assualted and neither her BF nor her BFF are speaking to her. If she was, in fact, a victim, then she’s better off without those two insensitive losers. And yes, she should be looking for help elsewhere.
However, “sexual assault” in this case could mean “I drank too much Boone’s Farm and boinked my roomie and the others found out. Then I tried to blame the guy for a serious crime instead of just ‘fessing up and now they hate me and I’m all alone and feeling sorry for myself.” Maybe why she’s posting on CL instead of a support group…
Good call on that one, janesays. I was trying to come up with a scenario that explained the weirdness without feeling like an unsympathetic slime. I think you hit on it perfectly.
Your name and comment made me think that the second poster kinda reminds me of the chick from the song “jane says”.
Aaaaand now it’s stuck in my head. I’ve got to go find my old janes addiction album, now.
Too bad somebody on here didn’t inspire you to listen to some good ’90s rock.
This is borderline victim blaming if it’s true, Janesays. I realize this is a comedy blog, but that just isn’t funny if you’re a survivor. Hits a little close to he bone. Still a mock worthy ad, true, but NOT for the reason you suggest. Just think about it. No flame war intended.
I think it’s a harsh conclusion to jump to, but it’s far from impossible. With the advent of rampant sexual harassment lawsuits has come an unprecedented rampant wave of sex crimes.
It’s fairly possible that Janesays is right–if the OP really was “sexually assaulted” (whatever that means, and notice she did not say “raped”), why would her friends be angry at her? It doesn’t really add up.
It’s not uncommon for survivors of assault to be ostracized by friends if the perp was a mutual friend. The friends get angry with the survivor for suggesting that the OTHER friend could possibly do that! It’s part of why so few people talk about/report assaults. I don’t think Janesays is being victim blamey, as she first acknowledges that “friends” like that are insensitive and unsupportive. Next is the possibility that such a post is less than honest as CL is not the primary spot survivors go to in order to reach out.
To that end, many people don’t know what to do. But yeah, I do agree that this isn’t a very safe path.
It reminded me of a tattoo shop I saw while on holiday in New Zealand where the guy had “tattoo” spelled as BOTH “tattoo” AND “tatoo” on the shop signage. It was responsible for a personal moment of extreme rage.
Actually, I found a link with an image of the place. Click on the thumbnail at the bottom of this page.
Haha!! I live in Welly and used to walk to work past this sign every morning on my way to work, yet I have NEVER noticed that!! Bad BA girl!
Legend, it will become part of my City Tour when my friends come up!! ๐
I hope the tattoo artist uses spell-check and doesn’t end up like the guy I work with who has “Pslam 23” written on his arm.
HEE HEE HEEE!!! “Pslam 23” is awesome, in a bad way, and then it also reminds me of the very nice professionally-made sign for a small business that’s on the north side of town here: “PLAM READER.”
I love looking for misspelled signs.
I snicker every time I see that guy’s arm. I wonder if he knows it’s misspelled…
That’s not a misspelling. Pslam 23 is the annual Christian Professional Wrestling championship…
Body check for shit is good. I wouldn’t want to be tattooed by someone who’s covered in shit, either.
I have a feeling the “artist” could just put any old BS and say it was “Biblical Hebrew”. The name s/he wants isn’t even a real name. This fails in so many ways.
What kind of “shit” are we talking about? Guns? Knives? Brass knuckles? What are the odds he even has an account with $200 in it? Miami fucking Dolphins?! Fucking Biblical Hebrew? Sedagive?!
BWA HA HA! Sedagive. I nearly snorted my lunch out my nose (ow). Thanks for the laugh ๐
I’ll throw in my nerdy two cents…It doesn’t really make sense to transliterate LEENOY into Hebrew characters. There’s only two legitimate consonants in the word, for crying out loud. Here’s my best shot:
ืึดืื ึนื
(lamed-hireq/yodh-nun-holem/yodh)
It wouldn’t look good. It wouldn’t sound good.
Good shot. Put a vav instead of a holem after the nun and you’re gold. ืื and ื ืื are both words, but the latter (noy) does not appear in the Bible even once and so there is no “Biblical Hebrew” way to write it.
Being an obsessive word geek I checked this. Noy is a first-century AD (CE, if you prefer) Hebrew word.
*blush* [/excessive geekiness] Sorry.
This is why I love the people who read/comment on this blog … they aspire to the same level of geekiness that I do, if not more!
ah, thanks Cled. Guess I’ve been spending too much time with Greek – I feel like I have the right to grab a diphthong out of thin air.(Though I have been starting on some CE Hebrew lately…there’s a lot of crossover words from Greek there. But that’s no excuse.)
The only biblical word that came to mind was “ืึดืื ” (to stay over night), but the ending makes it nonsensical.
Hey, gather your diphthongs while ye may, that’s what I always say. Or will say, from now on. If it comes up.
CE Hebrew is fascinating stuff. Lots of Aramaic in there, too.
…
My name is Cled and I am a recovering word geek.
(Hi Cled!)
Ear piercing really only requires: large needle, some icecubes, bottle of wine. Oh, and matches, to sterilize the needle. It helps if the person doing the piercing is your mom. Total expense: depends on what kind of oenophile you or your mom is.
As for low-cost tattooing to get the fancy skin pictograms all the cool kids are sporting, uh, consult your local sailor or prisoner (??) I guess there’s a debt to society involved there, though. But the whole give me a tattoo at sunrise by the bay thing is like a weird romantic wedding between your arm and the Miami Dolphins. Not OK.
“I need a therapist” is an understatement.
So, this person wants an original drawing of a corporate logo? Huh…
Yes. $200 is ridiculously low for what he’s asking. Most places would charge upwards of $500 for that (in the ghetto). Get into downtown areas and it may be $700-$800. But I’m sure he can find someone who can’t draw for shit who’ll do it for $200!
And no reputable tattoo artist would EVER do a tattoo outdoors. It’s unsterilized and dangerous… but he’s looking on Craig’s List, so I guess he isn’t goin’ for reputable.