YSaC, Vol. 332: … in the octopus’s garden, on her leg …

2009 June 14

realscumbag rontatooman – $160


im writing about aman ron who lives at 172lampman ave he took my money and left my tatoo undone on my back right leg my son had a tatoo don saturday he had to go to the hospital because he got a bad staph infection from it the docter had to put him on antibotic pill and a antibotic cream all so this man is a real scumbag and areal asshole to take advantage of a woman who lives on a fixed income if some one could call me at xxx xxx xxxx an make arrangemts to com tomy houseand finish it forme iwould liketo get acall all i have is theout lineof the octoupuss head and the tresserchest and astar fish inthe front he was goingto make it look like it was a underwater ocean seen i have the dolphin onthe in side of the rightleg and on theouterside there is a seen with asunset water palmtrees and ocean water and two dolphins one jumping over the other one i just need the octoupuss finished and all the tentekils puton colored with megenta and pink colors and the treasurechestdon and the scubadiver putonn so maby someone will call me but i would not recomend no to go to 172lampman ave and have eney work don by ron

Ow. My brain hurts. Octoupuss? Tentekils? What is with the random lack of spaces between some words [theouterside], extra spaces within things that should be words [all so], and random spaces WITHIN words [theout lineof]?

How many right legs does she have? Doesn’t saying you have a back right leg sort of imply that there’s a front right leg as well?

And here’s a thought: Call me crazy, but maybe if you’re on a fixed income, you and your son shouldn’t be getting elaborate tattoos?

[Edited to add: with spizzlefish’s prompting in the comments below, I realized that “rontatooman” anagrams to “or an ottoman“. Yes, I’m easily amused, why do you ask?]

DW, thanks for the submission!

51 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 June 14
    candace permalink

    So, I wonder if Ron knows of her plan to sell him for only $160?? I think I’d buy a tattoo artist for that much, just keep him my garage in case I was in the mood for a tattoo.

    Adores: 2
  2. 2009 June 14

    ouch ouch OUCH! I think my eyes rolled back in my head to avoid looking at that atrocity. drmk’s comments exacty mirrored my own reaction to this ad. “Tresserchest,” “putonn,” and “tentekils” were my favorites.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 18

      “Tresserchest tentekils” would be a good name for a band.

      But what would their first hit single be called?

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 September 24
        CapnMac permalink

        “Kagome Finally Gets Some”?

        Adores: 0
  3. 2009 June 14

    It was more painful to read the second time!

    Adores: 0
  4. 2009 June 14

    In all that mess, how did she manage to spell “staph” correctly? Was it just an accident?

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 June 14

      My money is on multiple experiences with staph infections, probably due to improperly (i.e. not) caring for recent piercings.

      Adores: 7
    • 2009 June 15

      I was thinking the exact same thing Larry.

      Adores: 0
  5. 2009 June 14

    Evidence of YSaC addiction: when I saw this headline, I immediately assumed that “rontatooman” was yet another attempt at “ottoman.”

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 June 14
      drmk permalink

      It does anagram to “Or an ottoman”!!

      Adores: 3
      • 2009 June 14

        holy crap, it’s like the DaVinci Code with tentekils!

        Adores: 9
        • 2009 June 17
          MsDolfinn permalink

          Sadly it took your pointing out that is was an anagram for “or an ottoman” for me to finally be able to read that is says “ron tatoo man” once the proper spaces were added.

          Adores: 0
  6. 2009 June 14
    drmk permalink

    I want to go on an antibotic pill. I could use fewer botics in my life.

    Adores: 4
  7. 2009 June 14

    The misspellings I could oddly enough deal with it was the complete lack of punctuation anywhere in the entire post that quickly drove me to want to jamb a pencil in my eyes there’s no where to stop ever it feels like it’s never going to end and since the rant is a bajillion misspelled words long I don’t think it ever did Sartre was wrong hell is not other people it’s other people’s awful writing

    Adores: 11
  8. 2009 June 14
    Count Blah permalink

    I love how she’s had bad work done by an amateur tattoo artist and she feels like the thing to do now is SOLICIT RANDOM INTERNET FUCKTARDS to come fix it. Because going to a professional, health-inspected tattoo parlour would be crazy…
    Oooh, there should be a tag called “you get what you pay for”.

    Adores: 15
    • 2009 June 15
      jackie31337 permalink

      If there isn’t already, I second the suggestion!

      Adores: 1
  9. 2009 June 14
    Linnee permalink

    I love how she spells undone correctly, but done is “don.”

    And just how big is her right front leg?
    octoupuss head and all the tentekils
    the tresserchest
    astar fish
    a seen with asunset
    water (clearly not ocean water)
    palmtrees
    ocean water
    two dolphins one jumping over the other one
    treasurechestdon
    the scubadiver

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 June 15
      corn flakes permalink

      You should see her left leg.
      She has a tattoo of “Creation of Adam” by Michelangelo. It’s full-sized.

      Adores: 22
  10. 2009 June 14

    I heart YSaC!

    Adores: 0
  11. 2009 June 14

    I can’t get through it. Honestly it melts what little remains of my brain.

    Adores: 0
  12. 2009 June 14
    manda permalink

    OMG! My head hurts….I had a headache before I started reading this and now I’m being forced into the medicine cabinet by a little lady with a large right leg, an undone tattoo, and a son with a staph infection! Ibuprofen here I come!

    Adores: 0
  13. 2009 June 14
    Tony Paul permalink

    I find this quite artistic, conceptually speaking I mean, it’s got to be done purposely:
    1. – spelling makes the content difficult to seize.
    2. – lack of punctuation adds some more cryptic touches.
    3. and once you get through all of this, it is mentally impossible to visualise how the actual tattoo (and body for that matter) looks like in reality.

    Adores: 1
  14. 2009 June 15
    Sunny permalink

    LOL! Thanks drmk and the rest of you, I needed a good laugh!

    Adores: 0
  15. 2009 June 15
    Mrphysic permalink

    REALLY REALLY wish that there was a picture (or pictures) accompanying this post – something like:
    picture of unfinished tattoo
    picture of badly spelt slogan beneath tattoo
    picture of angry redneck family waving fists
    picture of infected son morosely displaying skanky tattoo

    But yeah – the ability to spell something correctly (treasure)in one sentence, and then so bizarrely (tresser) in the next is a talent that the rest of us just have to sit back and admire….. thankyou YSaC.

    Adores: 3
  16. 2009 June 15
    corn flakes permalink

    I think she was already getting any random asshat that learned tattooing in prison.
    She did have someone tattoo her out of his house.
    Maybe Ron took advantage of her for being stupid enough to disprove Darwin by her mere existence.

    Maybe it’s me, but i don’t want any permanent body modifications done in some dudes kitchen while he watches “Family Fued” on a small TV on top of a larger broken TV.

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 June 15
      count blah permalink

      It’s the “small tv on top of a larger broken tv” that sold it for me. CAN’T. STOP. GIGGLING. 😀

      Adores: 5
  17. 2009 June 16
    bonni permalink

    She’s like a lady aquarium.

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 October 18

      (Another great band name!)

      Adores: 0
      • 2012 September 24
        CapnMac permalink

        Lady Aquarium being a Gaga-Phish-metroCountry mashup band, obviously.

        Adores: 1
  18. 2009 June 17
    RaggedClown permalink

    I have to agree – why is this woman getting tattoos if she’s so worried about her lack of money? Going to a guy working out of his house instead of saving up for a reputable artist is idiotic in the extreme. You get what you pay for (in this case, a staph infection).

    Looking online for some random idiot with the same setup makes it even worse.

    The spelling, grammar, and punctuation (or lack of all three, really) nearly made my head explode. This woman’s English teacher (assuming she went to much school at all) is rolling in his/her grave fast enough to power a small city.

    Adores: 5
  19. 2009 June 19
    lola permalink

    Because I am a curious creature, I typed 172 Lampman Ave. into google maps and the first link was this lovely little gem (text below because it will probably expire soon):
    http://hudsonvalley.craigslist.org/gms/1208045793.html

    Looks like ron-the-tattoo-man just had a little garage sale recently.

    I am eyeing that corona neon light sign in particular.

    ——————————————————————

    “MOVING SALE TODAY (172 LAMPMAN AVE. PORT EWEN)
    Reply to: sale-pqhpb-1208045793@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
    Date: 2009-06-06, 8:15AM EDT

    MOVING SALE! 172 LAMPMAN AVE, PORT EWEN, NY- TOOLS-CORDLESS DRILL, CIRCULAR SAW, ELECTRIC SNOW SHOVEL, MISC HAND TOOLS, 100 FT NEW GARDEN HOSE WITH TROLLEY, AND MORE….

    FURNITURE-BLUE COUCH WITH DUAL RECLINERS, OLD COBBLERS BENCH/COFFEE TABLE, OLD SECRETARY DESK, LARGE SOLID CHERRY WOOD DRESSER, 2 MICROWAVE CARTS, AND MORE….

    80 LB HEAVY BAG W/WRAPS, PORTABLE HOTTUB WITH INSTRUCTIONS AND MORE….

    LG CORONA LIGHT NEON SIGN NEW IN BOX

    ANTIQUE TABLE AND TRUNK

    LG 4 BURNER TAILGATING GRILL W/TANK

    KITCHEN ITEMS-STAINLESS MICROWAVE, STAINLESS DEEP FRYER, STAINLESS WAFFLER MAKER, FORMAN GRILL, CUISINART FOOD PROCESSOR, PHALTZGRAFF ARBER VINE DESIGN DISHES, LARGE SERVING BOWL, SMALL PLATTER AND MISC OTHER ITEMS……….

    WALL FIXTURES, LARGE AREA RUG 10X12, AND MORE……

    * Location: 172 LAMPMAN AVE. PORT EWEN ”

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 June 19
      drmk permalink

      rontatooman seems to be a bit more lucid than the OP.

      Adores: 0
    • 2012 September 23
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      Moral of the story: never get a tattoodon with a cordless drill.

      Adores: 1
  20. 2009 June 21

    …if she’s on a fixed income, why is she getting a tattoo? Anyway, that’s pretty much all I could get out of this before my brain imploded. I think I’d have better luck interpreting some long dead, as-yet-undiscovered language than this crap.

    Adores: 0
  21. 2009 August 20
    tigprincess permalink

    I echo the plea for a photograph! … I’d love to see some megenta tentekils … although what a great name for a group? eat your heart out Oasis! Perhaps on benefits and without a tv she could shimmy and dance and thus entertain the neighbourhood?

    Adores: 2
  22. 2009 September 1
    Addicted Reader permalink

    One of the computers in my lab has a space bar that needs to be pressed very deliberately in order to actually add a space. If I’m not careful when I type, I end up w/ something that looks like the spacing of this.

    Of course, I look at what I’ve typed, so I can go back and fix all the typos before saving or sending or posting anything.

    Adores: 3
  23. 2012 September 23
    LimeLolly permalink

    Unfinished tattoos with no spaces…. sounds like a Rorschach test. Ron tatoo man wants to know what you see.

    Adores: 2
  24. 2012 September 23

    left my tatoo undone on my back right leg

    In Rontatooman’s defense, maybe he doesn’t have much experience doing ocean-themed tattoos on centaurs.

    Adores: 4
  25. 2012 September 23

    I have a challenge for you.
    Go back and try not reading it in ShatnerVoice now.

    Plus, I thought all tattoos went on the “outerside”.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 September 23
      Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

      I went back and didn’t read it in my voice.

      Plus, I’m not showing you my tatoo on my spleen.

      Adores: 1
    • 2012 September 23
      Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

      Except for lip tattoos on horses.

      Adores: 0
  26. 2012 September 23
    P-Rex permalink

    I think maybe antibotics are for getting rid of spambots and the like. Stick a pill in a USB port to attack the bots internally, spread the cream over your monitor so’s you cannot see the offending result of the bots.
    Sea? Ican maek scents of mos eney theeng.

    Adores: 2
  27. 2012 September 23
    Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

    Is aman ron like a male moron?

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 September 23
      funky "ass-noodles" monkey permalink

      No, I think it’s an ancient Egyptian god. Maybe the god of the cheap tattooes.

      Adores: 0
  28. 2012 September 23
    Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

    “treasurechestdon”

    Wasn’t that a dinosaur from the Chestaceous Period?

    Adores: 1
  29. 2012 September 23
    Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

    I actually know people like this. They are on a fixed income, but any extra money is spent on frivolities rather than necessities. Body piercings, new hairdos and the like, the money is never spent on anything useful. Our tax dollars at work.

    Adores: 2
  30. 2012 September 23

    That was the best tv series ever, Scubadiver Putton. I watched it every Saturday morning in the tattoo parlor.

    Adores: 0
  31. 2012 September 23
    Digitalaxis permalink

    I alsoneed anewspace baerformy fancycompooteri bouhtwithfood stamps.

    Adores: 4
  32. 2012 September 24

    This snarky One, He’s so fun,
    He plays knick-knack in the sun!
    But instead of a paddy-whack, here’s your Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Ill Illustrated Ma’am!

    Adores: 0
    • 2012 September 24
      DigitalAxis permalink

      O frabjuous joy!

      Adores: 1
  33. 2012 September 24
    MaryEllen Barber permalink

    I just want to buy her a spacebar. And to encourage the proper use thereof.

    Adores: 0

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