You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: Ow! My eyes!

  • YSaC, Vol. 474: Pam and Tommy ain’t got nothin’ on this one.

    To the person who donated the camcorder to the thrift store.

    It came with a few tapes and one of the tapes is a homemade sex tape. I am wondering if you want it back. the person in the video’s also has a video of a classic musle car in the garage. and videos at the beach. a video showing everything in the house even themself in a mirror and the wife. video of the kids. I didn’t watch the full sex tape but i could see the wife laying with nothing on touching herself and I hit stop. you are lucky someone nice got this. I know some people would put the video online.

    Implied subtext: That’s a really nice sex tape you’ve got there. I’d hate for anything to happen to that sex tape of yours. Sure, some people would put that sex video online. But I never would. Unless you offer me money not to. That’s just how nice I am.

    The moral of today’s story: don’t donate videos to the thrift store! And if you do … well, don’t.

    Thanks for this listing, Rebecca!

  • YSaC, Vol. 468: I would have quoted something off of Version 2.0.

    This is behind a cut because it’s long. And eye-gougingly painful to read. If you are of delicate sensibilities and are offended by inappropriate capitalization and run-on sentences, then — well, then, what the hell are you doing on this blog? But if you are of strong of mind, and think you can withstand the slings and arrows of outrageous grammar, then carry on.
    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 460: This messed with Texas.

    Custom bull bike

    This one of a kind work of art took over 100 hours. The Texas base is all hand carved, 24ct gold on motor, has won several awards at ceramic shows. Asking $3,500.00 make reasonable offer

    460

    I’ve had this in my queue forever, because it’s … well, because it’s that. But I just can’t spin a creative story about what would prompt someone to make something like … well, like that. A ceramic bull with horns that look as though they were made from a limb from a Barbie doll, on a motorcycle, on top of a skull, on top of a handcarved Texas, on top of a mirror on top of wood. It’s a feng shui nightmare. All I know is that when this bullcycle reanimates, and those wooden legs start walking stiffly off the mirror, carrying this monstrosity around looking for its creator to exact its revenge, I don’t want to be anywhere near it.

    Thanks, Blake!

  • YSaC, Vol. 458: It’s too early in the year to make a “Sleigh Ride” joke.

    Does everybody have their solid-wall-of-capitalized-text glasses on? You do? Oh, good. You’re going to need them.

    SANTA SLEIGH LARGE WOODEN OUTDOOR DISPLAY – $195 (SALEM;OHIO)

    FORGET THE 1/4 INCH OR THE 1/2 INCH CHEAP MINIATURE PLYWOOD SLEIGHS THAT ONLY LAST A SEASON OR TWO!…OR THE CARDBOARD SLEIGHS THAT WARP AND BLOW DOWN .IVE GOT THE REAL DEAL THAT WILL LAST FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME!..THIS OUTDOOR SANTA SLEIGH IS CRAFTED AND BUILT BY MYSELF USING GOOD CLEAN BETTER GRADE 5/8 { NEARLY 3/4 INCH }SANDED PLYWOOD FROM HOME DEPOT…CHECK IT OUT!!…NO FILLER CRACKS ;HOLES;SPLINTS LIKE THE CHEAP GRADE..ALL NICE CLEAN SANDED WOOD READY TO BE PAINTED AND DECORATED TO YOUR CHOOSING AND DECOR…MEASURES 3 FEET HIGH; 4 FEET LONG AND 25 INCHES WIDE!…WILL HOLD CHILDREN AS WELL AS ADULTS FOR PHOTOS!..WONDERFUL FOR CHRISTMAS EVENTS ;WILL HOLD GIFTS AND PERFECT FOR PHOTO TAKING WITH KIDS…ALL ASSEMBLED USING 1/4 INCH BOLTS ;NUTS AND WASHERS FOR STRENGTH AND DURABILITY..AS WELL AS CAN BE EASILY DISSASEMBLED FOR STORAGE . WILL HANG ON GARAGE WALL..ALSO HEAVY ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND NORMAL WINDS AND NOT TOPPLE OVER LIKE THE STORE BOUGHT LIGHT WEIGHT ONES.{ 30+ POUNDS} ..AND JUST AS EASY TO REASSEMBLE YEAR AFTER YEAR..BUILT TO LAST!!..JUST GIVE IT A GOOD COAT OF PAINT AND THE 16 BOLTS KEEP IT TIGHT TO PREVENT WARPING FROM WINTER WEATHER!..TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….HERES A SPECIAL NOTE!!….BUYING THIS COULD BE YOUR PATTERN TO GET STARTED MAKING AND SELLING IT IN YOUR AREA!…ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…IF YOU LIKE WOOD WORKING YOU WILL MAKE BIG PROFIT!!…SOOOOO.!!. SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS WITH THIS DISPLAY PIECE THIS CHRISTMAS AND GET STARTED TAKING ORDERS FOR NEXT YEAR IN A BIG WAY!!…….THANKS..

    Since nobody in their right mind can possibly make it through all of that, please allow me to highlight some of the more … interesting things about this ad.

    TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….

    That’s right, it’s “pick up only” because it’s too heavy to ship … so he’ll adjust the shipping cost down to reflect the actual shipping cost when he ships it to you UPS. After you win your bid on Craigslist, of course.

    ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…

    Other than the other 1,000 of these he’s made (and the others made by the people who bought them and then started tracing them so that they could start selling them as well), this is the only one of its kind anywhere!

    The only way this thing is going to SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS is if the neighborhood kids pile up the fake roof reindeer underneath it and set the whole tacky mess on fire.

    So if you’re one of those people who insist on competing in the Cavalcade of Crappy Christmas Decorations each year, this sleigh is for you. And as an added bonus — it’s sturdy enough to support you when you pass out in it after your annual eggnog bender at the Elks Lodge.

    Thanks for the ad, Heather!

  • YSaC, Vol. 421: The geezer period was after the French Prudential period.

    nice home decor

    [1]very nice wall hanging $5.00
    [2]bird house center piece $10.00
    [3]very nice swag $6.00
    all are homemade

    Say, that is a very nice wall hanging. Is that cross-stitch or latchhook? Can I get the pattern for that at JoAnn Fabrics? I think my grandmother would like that on a pillow. It’s so hard these days to find good embroidery work of geezers making obscene gestures. I mean, back in the 20s it was all the rage to decorate your house in early grandpa-grabbing-his-junk! It was everywhere — wall hangings, tea cozies, antimacassars, you name it. For some reason that style just didn’t keep as well as we thought it would. They say if you wait long enough everything will come back into fashion, though, and this is proof!

    Thanks to Mo for sending this one in!

  • YSaC, Vol. 404: Sponge bath time!

    Care Giver for Elderly Nudist – m4mw – 51

    Experienced Caregiver or Elder Babtsitting while you go to store etc. Im a nudist and will care for your elderly free
    if I can do it nude. Up to 3 hours free

    I have face id; a longtime resident of [location] and am dd free. Im 51 male and have cared for people for
    about 25 years, family mostlty.

    Let me know

    Wait … what? If I parse the title, it sounds as though someone is looking for a caregiver for an elderly nudist. In the ad, though, it turns out you want to take care of old people while YOU, YOURSELF, ARE NUDE. And you’re willing to do it for free, IF YOU CAN DO IT NUDE.

    Oh. Hell. No. Look, I’m all for nudism, and I’m all for elder care, but some things just don’t mix, okay? And why is this posted in Strictly Platonic instead of, say, Volunteers or Services?

    Thanks for the submission, Mike!