YSaC, Vol. 1695: Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em
2014 April 25
Hammer Stapler / Tacker – $15
Stanley hammer stapler for tacking roofing felt, flooring paper or installing insulation. Includes a patricidal box of 3/8″ staples. Asking $15
Now, at first glance, this seems perfectly normal. A staple hammer would be an absolutely realistic choice for murdering your father. (Note: do not murder your father) However, if you read this more carefully, it turns out it’s the staples themselves that are patricidal. I didn’t even know staples HAD fathers.
Thanks for this terrifying episode, Taylor!
Silly Dan. Where do you think baby staples come from?
A staple stork?
Staple Stork is the name of my new Flock of Seagulls cover band.
[corey]Like many fish, staples will grow according to the size of their habitat. Put them in a bigger box, feed them some staple food, and they will grow to a respectable size.
But you ask, what about the patricidal aspect to these particular staples? Well, as you know, staple cloning has been used or years to ensure compatibility with branded staplers. Back when staples were free roaming, a person would have to have several different staplers to be able to use the different staples. Apparently, these staples were given a certain hormone at the right time to make them all female. As most staples are male, (The staple penetrates the wood) Sparky must have gone into a hardware store opened boxes and looked under the staples’ skirts to make sure they were female staples (The wood penetrates the staple). Sparky planned to breed his staples, but since his cloned male staples were infertile, the females killed them all.[/ccorey]
Yet another Sparky fail.
Free Range Patricidal Staples is the name of my Gwar/Marilyn Manson/Decemberists mashup band. Opening at the Staples Center in August.
They’re not patricidal, they’re high functioning staple-o-paths. Do your research, Sparky.
And here I thought I had the only hammer-tacker named “Banqu0”
Ouch. Did not see that reference coming.
Or this.
Goodbye, Papa, it’s time to die
Now that this tool from Sparky I did buy.
Now I’ll live without a care
Because I’m your only heir.
What a shame you won’t be there.
(Note: Professional hit man on a closed course. Do not attempt to kill your father at home.)
“The staple race can not feel attachments of the familial sort, given that their lives are lived stuck in a wall or floor or several stacks of paper, and so when the child staple comes of age, it is customary that they undergo training as assassins for the day when they must kill their progenitors in honorable warfare.”
-SC, Office Supplies Behavioral Investigator.
Stop! Patricidal staple time! Nah nah nah nah nah! OoooooooOooooOooo! Break it down!
Cheapest offer of hitman services????
Why yes….I’m baaaaack. Boo
Boo? Why boo?
Why not staple patricide?
MERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eek!
8) Let me go write a parody of Welcome Back Kotter for you!
Well if Meredith is coming back to say hello, I may as well pop in too!
Hey look! It must be old home kill your father with staples day.
Actually, it’s the BOX that is patricidal, not the staples or the stapler. That’s rather surprising, since most of those have an edifice complex.
After the Avengers, I don’t trust boxes for anything, blue and glowing or not.
The Avengers? It was Se7en for me.
Was this not the basis for a recent episode of Law and Order?….If not, it soon will be.
“Ripped from the headlines!!!!!”…(of Craigslist)……
Back in school again Maxwell plays the fool again
Father gets annoyed
Wishing to create a responsible son
He grounds Max that day, won’t let him dance the night away
So he waits behind
Texting 50 girls “I can not go” no no no
But when Dad turns his back on the boy
He creeps up from behind
Bang, bang, Maxwell’s staple hammer
Came down upon his head
Bang, bang, Maxwell’s staple hammer
Made sure that he was dead
My new line of refreshments: Patricider!
I believe you mean “beverages”. You know, for beveraging.
It’s people!
“Use the staples Luke!”
Some of us have gone over to the dark side of the box.
Rodgers & Hart wrote the only song lyric I know that contains the word “patricide,” in the song “To Keep My Love Alive”:
Sir Atherton indulged in fratricide
He killed his dad and that was patricide
One night I stabbed him by my mattress side
To keep my love alive
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtWTyw95XLQ
Nothing in it about staples, though.
Eh. I’m sure there was some use of a staple gun somewhere in there.
Let’s eat Dad!
I have an idea. We can make it fancy dinner party and hire a butler to call the guests names.
*shudders*
ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, HAMMER STAPLERS! ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, HAMMER STAPLERS! Gotta keep dodging those ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, HAMMER STAPLERS!
You don’t know what it’s like!
Patricidal Staples is my Dead Kennedys cover band.
And their top 10(,000) smash hit “To Drunk to Tack”
Part of the best (non-)selling album, Stay-ple the Night.
Opening at the Staples Center in June.
I can’t imagine what they were trying to type instead of patricidal? Practical? Patented? …Paradoxical?
Partial — close enouph.
Sparky’s autocorrect scares me.
Out, damned staple! out, I say!—One: two: why,
then, ’tis time to do’t.—Hell is murky!—Fie, my
lord, fie! a spark, and a son? What need we
fear who knows it, when none can call our power
to account?—Yet who would have thought the old
man to have had so much roofing felt on him?
The stapler of Stanley had a son; where is he now?—
What, will these things ne’er come out?
Nailed it! Oh. Shit. Almost. Well, stapled it!
The only one who could ever keep me
Was the son of a stapler man…
yes he was, yes he was…ooooooh
yes he was…
The only thing that could ever sneeze me
was the nose of a boogie man…
Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack.
You ought to blow by now.
If you get a spider in your nose,
you might think that really blows.
Don’t worry, be happy.
When a spider crawls in your ear,
there’s really nothing you should fear.
Don’t worry, be happy.
(Don’t worry, be happy now)
Doot, doot, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, doot, do do.
Doot, do, do, do, doot, do, do. Doot, do, do, do, do.
When a spider crawls on your face,
do not become a basket case.
Don’t worry, be happy.
If your pop’s a spider lovin’ fool,
don’t use a patricidal tool.
Don’t worry, be happy.
(Don’t worry, be happy now)
So lemme get this straight….we’re NOT supposed to murder our fathers?
No O-Rex, our mates are supposed to murder us. That is unless you can make her swoon long enough to get away.
Of course, I don’t have a Phidippus complex.
Well, back from work. Driving through fog, driving through snow. Dodging dippy does* and fallen rocks. I just have to say it’s hammer time. It’s times like this that remind me of dear old dad. He used to say to me, “Son…”(he used to call me Son for short). He said, “Son, always remember, no no, never forget that you’re carrying a loaded stapler. Always use protection.”
*plural of female deer
Evidence that inanimate objects are also among “the quiet ones we need to worry about.”