You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 334: I don’t even wanna know.

Written by

drmk

in

Smooth or Chunky – m4w – 25

Looking for an attractive female to pose nude or partially nude for amateur art. I am not creepy. I will pay you in peanut butter.

I know this is a euphemism for something, but I really, really don’t want to know what.

What’s the current exchange rate for US $ to peanut butter? You mention both the smooth and chunky options in the headline — is the exchange rate different depending on whether the peanut butter is chunky or creamy? Reduced fat? Organic? What if the model has a horrible allergy to peanut butter — what alternate currency are you prepared to offer? The pinto bean market is way down these days, so no self-respecting model would work for that. Have you considered all that bananas have to offer as a currency? I mean, they come in bunches, so they’re easy to transport and count. And they come in their own convenient carrying case.

Thank goodness he’s not creepy, though, because that would just be weird.

Thanks (I think) for the submission, Ellen!

Comments

41 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 334: I don’t even wanna know.”

  1. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    I will pose partially nude for a Symphony chocolate bar and some Fluff.

    1. Melissa Avatar
      Melissa

      Don’t you mean fluuf?

  2. G Avatar
    G

    It’s six foot, seven foot, eight foot BUNCH!

  3. Charlie Everywhere Avatar
    Charlie Everywhere

    I’m convinced that an increasing number of Craigslist ads are made for the express purpose of getting on your site …which is a testament to its power?

  4. Tlönista Avatar
    Tlönista

    I can just imagine what happened. Some socially inept schlub orders his groceries online, makes a typo, and ends up with a giant crate full of smooth and chunky peanut butter. He’s given away a couple jars to his buddies, but how much peanut butter does anyone need at once, really? He could take it to the food bank, but he’d have to rent a van.

    So every day, the crate sits in his hallway, just another stupid chore he has to get around to:

    To-Do:
    Get rid of peanut butter
    Demonstrate massive sense of entitlement to women’s bodies

    Then, one day, the lightbulb went on. “I can kill two birds with one stone! On Craigslist!“

    1. Canaduck Avatar
      Canaduck

      Haha, this is perfect.

  5. corn flakes Avatar
    corn flakes

    General rule of thumb:
    If you feel the need to state “I am not creepy” the odds are you are, in fact, creepy.

    And i have this weird feeling the peanut butter is going to be used in the art too.

    1. Pademelon Avatar
      Pademelon

      I’m generally glad people don’t figure this out. If you’re so immersed in the creepiness, you can’t see that stating, “I am not creepy,” is a testament to the fact that you are probably really creepy, the world deserves a warning. Stupid creeps scare me far less that smart creeps.

  6. jackie31337 Avatar
    jackie31337

    With or without salmonella?

  7. vedette Avatar
    vedette

    Disgusting. However, make it Nutella and we might be able to talk some things out…

    1. dogface Avatar
      dogface

      Ah, you steal my thoughts! XD

  8. tt Avatar
    tt

    Peanut butter= PCP mixed with peanut butter; methamphetamine that is brown in color

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Of course. I still like my interpretation better, though.

    2. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Yanno, in thinking about this a little more … if someone knows enough about meth to know what this is a reference to, I’m thinking I might not want to see that person naked. It can’t be a pretty sight.

      1. tt Avatar
        tt

        Well, I googled it…..I didn’t *know*. Just saying.

        1. drmk Avatar
          drmk

          Mmhmmm. Sure. 😉

    3. jackie31337 Avatar
      jackie31337

      Wouldn’t that be a rude awakening if you THOUGHT that’s what you were getting, and then it turned out that he actually paid you in regular old peanut butter?

      1. HappyNat Avatar
        HappyNat

        Or if you wanted peanut butter and you got PCP. I’d probably try the PCP and jelly sammich anyway . . .

  9. Lola Avatar
    Lola

    When I read the ad, I first thought “Smooth or Chunky” referred to the type of model wanted.
    I’m with corn flakes; if you have to say “I am not creepy,” the chances that you are in fact creepy are + 90%, I think.
    Having worked (many years ago now, thank goodness) in foodservice, I think that someone (or his friend/relative) absconded with a crapload of peanut butter and, now tired of eating it on bread/saltines/triscuits/Chicken in a Biskit/their unwashed fingers they want to use it to lure women to their home. I may be incorrect in the particulars, but something about the offering convinces me that they did not come by it via legitimate means (highjacked a truck of Jif?).

  10. Linnee Avatar
    Linnee

    I think he meant he’ll paint you in peanut butter.

    1. Kit Avatar
      Kit

      Still creepy, but also kind of cool.

  11. Sally Avatar
    Sally

    Would that mean that the model (if any are so hungry as to come forth) would literally be working for peanuts?

  12. Mrphysic Avatar
    Mrphysic

    Now I want to trawl through the Craigslist sites looking for women who are desperate for a years supply of peanut butter and have nothing to offer but their nakedness – it would be a superb match up.

    I wonder if George Washington Carver ever dreamt up this use for peanuts…..

  13. Martha Avatar
    Martha

    See. And I always want to give a sammich to those skinny bitches. At least Mr. Creepy is taking action!

  14. casualencounters.com/blog/ Avatar
    casualencounters.com/blog/

    It grieves me that you are contributing to the synonymization of “alternate” and “alternative”. Partridge and Fowler turn in their graves.

    1. Peacock and Birder Avatar
      Peacock and Birder

      Descriptivism always prevails! “Shop” did not become a verb until the 1680s!

    2. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      I see your point, but …

      Although UK authorities disapprove, in US usage, “alternate” is frequently an adjective, substituted for the older “alternative”: “an alternate route.” “Alternate” can also be a noun; a substitute delegate is, for instance, called an “alternate.”

  15. mark Avatar
    mark

    Between Tlönista’s socially inept schlub (SIS) and TT’s vivid evocation of peanut-butter colored meth, I’m imagining a guy with too many tubs of peanut-butter-meth (PBm) in the basement.

    He considers himself an artist, and he’s learned to use the (smooth only, so far) peanut butter in his fantasy life by sculpting the women of his dreams in PBm.

    As he sculpts, some of the meth is absorbed through his skin, which makes it even more enjoyable. Now he’s tired of using his imagination, or pictures from the internet, as his models.

    He’s ready to craft a peanut-butter-meth-sculpture based on a real live girl. But it must be one who values PBm as much as he.

    Let’s hear it for art!
    (and don’t even ask about PBandJ!)

  16. bonni Avatar
    bonni

    Artist’s models have a hard enough time getting paid in cash money (like: oh yeah, I’m just doing this for fun. I looove wearing a bathrobe and hanging around complete strangers. No I’m not creeped out by this 1970s mattress and the filthy posing table and the plug-in heater that makes my skin itch and the freaky guy in the second row who never actually looks up and the person in charge who conveniently forgets when, exactly, they started the 45-minute pose and so maybe it should last 15 minutes longer although by then all my limbs will be *completely* numb and I’ll be unable to go take my ten-minute break for the two-and-a-half-hour session.) So, really, peanut butter is SO not OK as payment. **Extra bonus artist’s model tip: if the college keeps forgetting to actually cut you a paycheck (whether it’s cash-money-based or peanut-butter-based) pay a visit to the accounting department during your ten-minute break. Yes, wear your bathrobe, and don’t bother wearing shoes. You will *totally freak out the accounting ladies* and you will be promptly paid. Repeat as needed.

    Um, sorry. I guess this triggered some memories. Anyway: peanut butter is so not OK as payment. Unless it’s made of solid gold.

    1. corn flakes Avatar
      corn flakes

      What about reese’s peanut butter cups? They’re delicious.
      Bonni, would you like to reprise your role as nude model for payment in Reese’s PB cups? (meth free!!)
      Contact me for details. thanks.

      1. bonni Avatar
        bonni

        Oh! Well, yeah. Everyone loves a Reese’s!!

    2. Jinx Avatar
      Jinx

      LOL, I did my modeling after office hours, and ALWAYS got paid in cash the same day!

      I can’t help thinking I’d rather be paid in government cheese….

  17. It makes me feel intelligent « spontaneity|anonymous

    […] Since when do I do that, though? No, instead, I sat here reading You Suck at Craigslist, while laughing hysterically at the complete stupidity of some people. (Like I said, it was late. Some of them really are funny, though.) For instance, the person who is selling a new kind of surf-training tool (a.k.a. an ironing board?). Or maybe a touching true story about twin roosters is more your thing. Acrobatic midgets, maybe? Oh, how about non-creepy men looking to pay models in peanut butter? […]

  18. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    So, we got naked, we got not creepy, we got a drug reference, and we got amateur art. Where are all the snarkers? This is a walk in the park! While naked and on drugs!

    1. One Moving Violation Avatar
      One Moving Violation

      But I’m not creepy, really, you gotta believe me. It’s true. I just want some babe to take her clothes off in front of me. What’s creepy about that? Nothing, that’s what. So come on, I won’t tell any one, I promise. Here, have some peanut butter. It’s okay because I’m an artist with a camera for stills and a video camera to document each session.

  19. Demon Duck of Doom Avatar
    Demon Duck of Doom

    Hey Willlburrrr…… I’ll not only pose nude, but if you give me some peanut butter I’ll talk dirrrrty.

    – Mr. Ed

  20. DigitalAxis Avatar
    DigitalAxis

    Checked with the Lady Digi, and she’s not terribly convinced that the guy is not creepy, based on that message. Maybe he should have added a (really) after the message so we all realized he knew how awkward that sounded and then we could have all had a good laugh and OH GOD THROW A SMOKE BOMB AND RUN THE OTHER WAY

  21. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    I really appreciate you folks showing up on a Sunday, with football and everything to distract you. You may look me up on Facebook, Demi Hungerford, and tell me who you are here and I will friend you! 8) Okay, One, you are already a friend, I have to devise some other, uh, perq for you.

  22. Lizzi Avatar
    Lizzi

    I too enjoy a good “I’m/it’s not _____”. Those statements are always highly amusing and informative. My favorite is when a guy prefaces what he’s about to say with “it’s not gay….” because it ALWAYS is and it’s ALWAYS completely ridiculous. Makes my day every time.

  23. Rabbit Roulette Avatar
    Rabbit Roulette

    According to legend, and it might actually be true, the extras in the big scene at the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail were college students who were paid in bananas. Just in case anyone ever wondered. Oh, and the lady who owned the killer rabbit was PISSED about the red pain they got all over her bunny, who was not the least bit mean, and didn’t even get paid for his part in cinematic history. My brain gets odd things stuck in it sometimes, so I like to share in an attempt to dislodge them.

  24. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Smedley, your day in the box is over, and you may now bask in the glory that was your snark. Many past champions have gone on to snark again, so don’t give up! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Skippy!

Leave a Reply

More posts