YSaC, Vol. 291: No, seriously. What. The. Hell.

2009 May 4

This post contains eight incredibly bizarre pictures of a NSFW coffee table. No, really. You have been warned.

Bronze Lady Coffee Table – PICTURES

You are looking at a Bronze-Lady coffee table. The table itself is shaped as a naked lady made of bronze material, as seen in the pictures below. Face is covered with tape for protection. Glass is round and 1 inch thick. Overall wieght is 200 pounds. This piece is in excellent condition with no broken pieces. Looking for BEST OFFER OVER $1,500

For questions and inquiries about the price email me here: xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com

Oh, I have questions, all right. How much time do you have? Because I have questions.

  1. First of all — what the hell?
  2. Why are there bottles of nail polish, a TV remote, some kind of videogame controller, and what looks like a jar of Noxema near this naked bronze lady’s ass?
  3. OMG, and an open container of vaseline. No really, look at picture 3. (Click on the picture for a larger version.)
  4. While you’re looking at picture 3, please notice that the bronze lady is wearing a black sock — and WTF is the reflection of the face just above her foot?
  5. Picture #4 — now I know what the view looks like when you’re giving someone a brazilian wax.
  6. What is that thing on her stomach?
  7. Picture #6 — WHY IS HER FACE COVERED IN TAPE? That’s really disturbing.
  8. Picture #7 — you couldn’t have cleared the crap off the table before taking pictures, could you? At least wipe up the cocaine residue, for heaven’s sake.
  9. No, really — what the hell?

Thanks for the nightmares, Kerrin.

40 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 May 4
    Tonya permalink

    I have now seen bronze pubic hair and don’t feel better for having viewed it.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 May 4

      Not to defend this monstrosity, but I see bikini bottom ties at the hip.

      Adores: 2
  2. 2009 May 4
    corn flakes permalink

    See? Even rappers were affected by the recession.

    Adores: 7
  3. 2009 May 4

    Question 7 – “Face is covered with tape for protection.”, he says it in his ad. It doesn’t mean I believe him or am any less disturbed by it.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 May 4
      drmk permalink

      Protection from WHAT?

      Adores: 36
      • 2011 December 9
        thomasblair permalink

        Perhaps semen oxidizes bronze.

        Adores: 1
  4. 2009 May 4
    Miki permalink

    I don’t think that’s a jar of Noxema… I think it’s a jar of Vick’s Vap-O-Rub, which means this table clearly belongs to some idiot raver. Kinda explains the rest of the weirdness.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 May 7
      Jenny permalink

      Nope, it says Petroleum Jelly…

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 May 7
        El Kev permalink

        Jenny, I believe Miki is referring to the product jar in the right of the picture.

        Adores: 0
  5. 2009 May 4

    Based on the pads I see on the elbows where the glass rests, I’m guessing that the pad for the right foot went missing, so the sock was used in its stead.

    I’m also going to guess that the thing on the stomach is some sort of lamp that shines through all the glass stuff on top of the table above it, creating some light effects that are supposed to enhance whatever comes from the other stuff on that table that makes it seem like this table was a good idea.

    It also appears that the owner of this table might be called a “rager on the six strings,” if you know what I mean.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 August 27
      Iam1337king permalink

      Its a multi-colored projection lamp. Similar to ones used for pro-lighting scenarios such as concerts and what-not, only this one is a consumer version. The multi-colored disc spins and shoots different colored light up through the crystal-esque objects on top of the table creating a spectacle of light for these tripped out ‘dudes’.

      Adores: 3
  6. 2009 May 4
    Colleen in MA permalink

    Well, the only thing I know for sure is that they didn’t get it at IKEA.

    Adores: 20
  7. 2009 May 4
    Courtney permalink

    I believe that’s a spotlamp on her stomach – without a bulb (or maybe theres’ one inside). I’m guessing they like to light ‘er up at night. There are probably better ways to do that, but there are better ways to do just about everything in this ad.

    Adores: 0
  8. 2009 May 4


    Adores: 0
  9. 2009 May 4
    Jaye permalink

    Ah, woman as object once again.

    Adores: 8
  10. 2009 May 4

    This is Not Safe For Life.

    Adores: 9
  11. 2009 May 4
    kristen55 permalink

    Naked woman of furniture!
    Covered with the detritus of life,
    Oh who will set you free from your prison of tape?
    Black socks you will wear no more!

    Adores: 26
    • 2009 May 4
      Amaia permalink

      Wow, poetry inspired by YSAC!

      Adores: 0
  12. 2009 May 4

    At least this piece is just a single nude woman. A restaurant I went to, /for a work function/ no less, featured a similar table with the two bronze women intertwined in a rather acrobatic congress.

    Just the thing for side dish overflow in the private dining room.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 May 5
      corn flakes permalink

      You may want to recommend that your workplace stops having their functions at strip clubs.

      Adores: 19
  13. 2009 May 4

    I think we both know why her face is covered in tape.

    Let us never speak of this again.

    Adores: 8
  14. 2009 May 4
    woofless permalink

    Where do people even buy stuff like this?

    Besides Craigslist, obviously. Where do they sell stuff like this, new? Does Rooms-To-Go have a curtained-off “adults only” room at the back of the store that I’ve never seen?

    I’m also trying to imagine just how lacking in shame someone would have to be, to strap this puppy to the back of their pickup truck and venture out into public with it, to get it home…

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 May 5
      Courtney permalink

      Overstock.com – It’s all about the O!

      Adores: 18
  15. 2009 May 5
    bonni permalink

    Compare with the Judy Olausen book (which is hilarious): http://www.olausen.com/mother.html

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 August 29
      Joanna permalink

      I don’t think her photography is all that great. The photographs in the “Mother” book look very posed and unnatural. I’m not sure what it is I’m getting at, I can’t think of a word for it, but she looks as though she’s been holding the pose for a while and it’s starting to droop.

      Adores: 0
  16. 2009 May 5
    Kate permalink

    No doubt that crotch shot (#4) was strategically planned. I agree with Moxie that this is not safe for life… and the oddities surrounding it leave me thinking WTF! Eww.. and if you look at her face you’ll notice her eyes are open.

    Although.. it would be funny to see it strapped to someone’s truck driving down the road.. maybe turned upside down on her knees lol

    Adores: 0
  17. 2009 May 7
    El Kev permalink

    In response to Question #4 in the description, that looks like a picture of Saddam Hussein turned upside down.

    Adores: 1
  18. 2009 May 9

    Wow! Nice Table. Can someone send me the link to the real ad? I really want to buy this table, it would look great in my family room.

    Adores: 1
  19. 2009 June 14

    I’m late, but can’t resist:
    #2 – why, where do you keep yours?
    #4 & #6 – I agree with Larry – I think it’s some sort of projection thing, and the upside down face is what’s being projected at that moment. Makes me wonder what kind of thing they are projecting, and adds to the “WTF” nature of the piece.
    Courtney – due to your reply I need to visit Overstock.com to replace the keyboard that’s now covered in coffee. I’ve heard of people finding shopping pleasurable, but I never imagined how much they enjoyed it.

    I haven’t seen any discussion of what seems like a very possible scenario: This could well be a custom piece for a person who thought he had everything, whose wife or girlfriend modeled for the bronze. That could explain the reason for the sale and the tape, too, if they have split up since then, especially if there is a new woman on the scene.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 28
      Alex permalink

      Even later than you, but this thing reminds me of that one Lord Peter Wimsey story where the bad guy/artist electroplates his girlfriend (wife? I don’t remember) and makes a couch out of her. Everyone thinks it’s just a tacky piece of art, but LPW investigates the woman’s disappearance and finds out it actually *is* her.

      So I guess what I’m saying it, maybe the old girlfriend didn’t so much *model* for it as…yeah.

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 June 17
        Nightingale permalink

        YES!! I was TOTALLY thinking Lord Peter Wimsey- the one where the evil artist has electroplated his lover in order to keep her from leaving him, and almost “gets” Peter and instead ends up a weird piece of his own electroplated art~ I TOTALLY thought about that the second I read about this piece. Wasn’t the fictional “woman” “made” into a settee or something, though? That story caught me by surprise when I read it… one of the more gross Dorothy Sayers… usually hers are creative but not gross. That one, like this table, gave me NIGHTMARES.

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 15
      can't beleive I'm saying this. permalink

      even later than you: I think it was a commissioned piece too. worse yet, I think making it/her into a table was an afterthought. Originally, it was supposed to be placed ass up.

      Adores: 0
  20. 2009 August 29
    Joanna permalink

    I think that’s a hot table. It seems like it would make a good conversation piece. But only if I had guests come over my house that would appreciate that sort of thing.

    Adores: 0
  21. 2009 September 6
    jake permalink

    i think thats vapo rub

    Adores: 0
  22. 2010 April 16
    MandyCN permalink

    I bet the guy selling it is Mr. Boston Terror… Creepy!

    Adores: 0
  23. 2010 July 21
    Sweet permalink

    I believe she was one of triplets, as I’ve found her siblings encased in bronze as well

    Visit Oriental Creative Products Co. Ltd.

    her middle eastern cousin?

    her ‘naughty’ neighbor?

    the ones on a second (yes…second, of many on the search page *shudder*) site I found, were cool, yet, creepy, like this little girl emerging from the glass/water? table top…anyone else having “The Ring” flashbacks? lol

    Adores: 1
  24. 2010 November 6
    eeyore19 permalink

    Reminds me of the women-as-tables at the Milk Bar in “A Clockwork Orange”.

    Adores: 1
  25. 2012 April 17
    Ket permalink

    I’m not sure which is more disturbing to me, the black sock, or the ankle bracelet that someone has added to the opposite side. Who buys jewelry for their coffee table?

    Adores: 1
  26. 2013 September 13
    Kati permalink

    I peed my pants reading your response to this one. Thanks.

    Adores: 0

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