You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: humanity is doomed

  • YSaC, Vol. 237: Beep beep.

    95 Caddy STS – $2800

    YOU ARE LOOKING AT ONE BAD ASS RIDE!! THE FIRST LUCKY BASTARD WHO COMES TO SEE THIS CAR WILL BUY THIS RIDE!!! I MUST SELL FAST TO PAY FOR MY DIVORCE!!! I’VE BEEN ORDERED TO PAY VAGINAMONEY!!! AS YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TELL BY READING THIS I AM NOT F$%^KING HAPPY!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A 1995 CADILLAC SEVILLE STS 32 VALVE V-8 NORTH STAR ENG, HAS POWER EVERYTHING, LEATHER INTERIOR, FACTORY CD/TAPE STEREO, FACTORY CHROME WHEELS, EVERYTHING WORKS, IT GETS 21 MPG AND HAULS ASS. IF YOU EVER DROVE ONE YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!!! IF YOU HAVE A LEAD FOOT GOOD LUCK KEEPING TIRES ON IT CAUSE IT WILL CONSTANTLY LITE THEM UP IN SMOKE!!! MY LOSS IS YOUR GAIN!!! DO YOU KNOW WHY DIVORCE IS EXPENSIVE?…….. BECAUSE IT’S WORTH IT!!!! YOU CAN CONTACT ME AT xxx-xxx-xxxx JAMES

    We can tell you’re not f$%^king happy — you’re shouting. Allow me to introduce you to my friend, the Caps Lock key. It turns on and off. Also, there are types of punctuation other than the exclamation point.

    The surprising thing here isn’t that this fellow is getting divorced, it’s that anyone who would actually conceive of the term “Vaginamoney” and use it in a public setting — much less in an attempted retail transaction — would find someone who would marry him in the first place.

    I’ve noticed that there are certain models of car I know for a fact I will not like the owner of.* In other words, the type of personality that would buy a Chevy Monte Carlo SS, for example, is a personality type that I will not get along with. I have (quasi-)empirical evidence to back this up — I have never met a Monte Carlo SS owner/driver that I like. Has anyone else had this experience (not just with Monte Carlos)? Based on this, I think I might have to tentatively add Cadillac Seville owners to that list. Anyone who judges their car’s quality based on the potential to ‘burn rubber’ has a vastly different set of priorities than I do.

    *Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition. I couldn’t figure out a better way to get through that one.

  • YSaC, Vol. 229: Pssst … hey! Wanna borrow a kid?

    This was posted in the m4w personals section:

    Want a baby? Me too! – 28

    I know this may sound odd, but I’m being real. I want a kid. It tax time and I want to pay less and not play the let me borrow your kid game. If you are of age and think you can handle having a kid with me, then hit me up. Maybe we can have a relationship maybe not. We may not even get to that point but lets start with lunch and meet face to face. We can do a verbal and or written agreement about me taking care of our child. I know this seems like a crazy idea, but atleast this is a real honest ad on craigslist. let me know what you think.

    I can’t think of a better reason to have a child than to get a tax break. I mean, they don’t cost anything the rest of the year, so why not? It’s a win-win proposition.

    Actually, if he really wants a kid, maybe this will suffice:

    Child for sale – $100

    Child Mannequin – about 4 ft. tall. Good shape except missing two fingers.

    Maybe he could claim that his “child” is disabled and get an even bigger tax break. And maybe, if he buys enough illegal organs off of Craigslist, eventually he can make a real child!

    Thanks to ekkelly and Maria for the submissions!

  • YSaC, Vol. 222: Stimulus package needed.

    Help Me… – m4w – 22 (MY pants)

    I am recently laid off from my job and feels like im going no where fast. Im lonely and horny. I would like to find a girl that will give me a bj if it leeds to more that is fine. I just need to get my rocks off. Respond with pics and then I will respond back to you with pics and info. Soooo…..please help me.

    You know the economy is doomed when an unemployed 22-year-old is having trouble finding a girl willing to provide oral services with no strings attached. Back during the Internet Boom, there were free hummers galore. You didn’t even have to ask. Now? How far we have fallen. Oh, the humanity.

  • YSaC, Vol. 214: It’s a good thing the bear wasn’t German.

    Perfect last min. V-day present (BRAND NEW AND STILL IN BOX) – $30

    Vermont Teddy Bear. BRAND NEW AND STILL IN BOX!! Its a cream colored bear with bow tie w a heart in the middle that says “Ti Amo” (that is I love You in French just in case you didnt know) If you were to buy one off the net it would cost more than $50. So if you are still needing a Valentines Day present I have you covered, SHE WILL LOVE IT!!!! You can reach me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or by email.

    214

    That must be how you say I love you in French Prudential, since (as we’ve recently learned), French Prudential furniture is made by a guy named Al Italian.

    Sorry this is a little late to help those of you who were struggling to find gifts. I tried to help you, I really did. I’m sure that a “French”-speaking bear with severed hands would have been exactly the thing you needed.

    Edited to add: Some sleuthing by Courtney reveals that the suck-o-meter goes up to 11 on this one. Apparently the tag doesn’t even say “Ti amo” — it says “¡Te amo!” … which, of course, isn’t French either — it’s “I love you” in Spanish. So somewhere between looking at the bear (presumably sitting in front of her) and typing it in, the poster got the actual words AND the language wrong.

    Sent in by Lecia — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 212: But they’re minty!

    $300 Methuen, MA. guy SEEKING TEMP ROOM RENTAL Orlando to TAMPA

    Seeking immediate room rental bcuz sleeping in the truck or hotel rooms isn’t my thing!

    $300 I’m seeking a honest ROOMATE/quiet Clean ROOM to RENT. if you know anyone or anywhere that maybe available, Please advise me. NO GAY MEN

    NO GAY MEN since they are that ignorant and sick that they can’t control themselves nor interpret this ad correctly. This is an ad for a rental not gay sex! Do you sickos understand?

    I’m Straight up, Trustworthy, clean, genuine, soon 2b MSTR ELECTRICIAN, NON DRUG USER, NON Alcoholic, Highley responsible Guy who SEEKS ROOM/ROOMATE ASAP. I’m quiet respectful person.

    Im road Tech Electrician(& REHABBER/Investor) that does contract work on the east coast for temp agencies till i get licensed and go independant. My mother is bipolar, snapped a carrot tonight and kicked me out. So thats the reason why!Hey we just dont see eye to eye.

    EMAIL MIKE Anthony A. ==>bronxboy[number]@yahoo.com call xxx-xxx-xxxx. TY people. My site www.[crappy single page “business” website preying on foreclosures].com

    212a212b212c

    Um, yeah. The bolding? That’s his. The spacing? Also his. The homophobia? Entirely his.

    And until the recent carrot-snapping incident (one can only imagine what that’s a euphemism for), he lived with his mother.

    But he’s quiet and respectful, as long as you’re straight.

    Nice cat, though. This may be a real live example for the blog Cute Things with Douchebags.

  • YSaC, Vol. 211: Love is in the air, everywhere you look around …

    On this, the most romantic of days, I bring you some of the people out there who are wookin’ pa nub in all the wrong places, including Craigslist.

    Watched the news lately? – 48

    Seeking a lady that is aware of what the future will bring. A survivalist. I would like to find a lady who is under 50 and capable of growing a garden and first aid. A lady that can operate and take care of a horse, tractor, a truck, and an ATV. Must be capable of self-defense! Trapping, reloading and knife sharpening skill is a plus! Looks not too important besides being in good physical shape although big t*ts are a plus. Must currently be self-sufficient! If you have any equipment, send photo and description. We’ll see about the relationship discussion after we get past these requirements. I hope you like the smell of diesel! Smoke or drink, OK. No drugs! Don’t be scared, reply back to me! Criminals, gays and blacks need not apply. Not my flavor

    What flavor are gays? To me, it seems like they’d be minty.

    And you know, if your t*ts are too big, you won’t be able to sharpen knives very well. They also seem like they might be a hindrance in the whole “tractor and ATV” thing.

    All right, ladies, maybe he’s not your type. Let’s try this one:

    Would you like to star in an episode of “Cheaters”? – 26

    Things are nonexistent in the bedroom with my wife. I’m looking to have a little fun, and maybe even my 15 minutes of fame. You could get your 15 minutes too. Not from me, I don’t last that long. I mean on camera. Think of how fun it will be meeting for coffee early in the morning, sneaking away from work or school for a secret “lunch”, and meeting late at night in the parking lot of the Kroger or HEB. All the while, we can play “spot the camera” or “spot the night vision goggles”. If you’re worried about how the wife will react when she sees us fooling around, don’t be. Her wrath will be directed only to me. While I’m getting my ass kicked, you can use that time to pose for the camera or tell your story of how you were the real victim in all this. The only requirement is that you are a woman over 18. I want to be on “Cheaters”, not “To Catch a Predator”.

    Morally corrupt, but not bankrupt. At least the man has ambition.

    No? Wow, you folks are picky. Okay, how about this one?

    29 Guy looking for a good friend – 29

    i like to stay in shape.treat girls to a very nice dinner.i like to do lots of outdorrs things since im a surveyor.i been so many places.i have been to almost every amusment park in the usa and one in tokyo.you name it i done it.i dont have no tatoos and dont drink but will go to clubs.i dont do drugs.i like to keep my bills caught up 2 months ahead.im just looking for some company and a good friend.on another note i do get girls starring at me all the time so you can not get mad if they look but i never cheat and never will thats my moddle.my sis says im to sweet to girls.i just say i want to the girl to feel like a princess when she is with me.i never hit a girl and never will.feel free to email me and ill give you my number and we can talk and if we hit it off just maby you might be dating me.please send me a picture with your email to my email.

    v-day1

    Girls, if you’re lucky, you might be dating him. And his ego. But at least he has a moddle. I had a moddle once, but it got muddled. Once you get your moddle muddled it’s all over.

    All right, gentlemen, all right, I hear you saying, “But what about us? Help us out in the romance department too!” Ask, and ye shall receive. For you, I have selected this fine young thang:

    Looking for love, in the world… of warcraft – 18

    I am 5’9, green eyes, have dirty blone hair, 110 pounds, full c cups, and an applebottom ass. I enjoy world of warcraft and rap music. Looking for a cool and funny guy with atleast a level 80 World of Warcraft toon. If you wanna hook up send me a pic and a link to your armory page.

    She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it.

    And in the spirit of inclusivity (unlike our first potential love match):

    To The Girl Whose Vagina I Saw – w4w

    Hey baby, I saw your vagina at my house once.
    Ditch my brother and get with me 😉
    I’m only a room away, you know where to find me!

    v-day2

    This was posted under “Missed Connections.” I always thought lesbian mating rituals involved cats, not piglets. But hey, that’s a really nice carpet; I wonder if it matches the drapes.

    So there you go, folks; a cornucopia of romantic possibilities. No need to thank me: I’m a matchmaker at heart. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Thanks to the submitters: jwc, trueredtx, Lesley, and Kim.