You Suck at Craigslist

Category: etc. jobs

  • YSaC, Vol. 285: Colorless green ideas optimize furiously.

    Article writer needed- high volume

    I currently have 9 clients that each need articles written on a weekly basis. Articles are for SEO purposes, and have to contain SOME keyword density, but have to be interesting enough to be read and accepted by various sources. I need 10 articles per week per client, and the pay is $1/ article. The total for 9 clients comes out to $90/ per week. Each article will be at least one page long (more or less). This should be a simple enough side gig for someone starting out. We are looking for someone to start out and grow with the company; does not have to be local, but must be in the US.

    Must be able to write efficiently and productively in a timely manner; articles are necessary every week. Please send examples to be considered.

    Thank you!

    • This is a part-time job.
    • This is a contract job.
    • This is an internship job

    Mike sends this one in, saying “He needs SEO articles, which is what I do. At one page each, a good article would take an hour. Assuming you could write 2 articles in an hour, which no one could, that would take up 45 hours a week. Which comes out to around … oh , $2.00 an hour. For a 45 hour week. With no benefits. But plan on $1.00 an hour. I think twice about bending over to pick up a dollar in the street. I just took a pay cut for my SEO writing, and I am a relative beginner. I make $32.50. AN HOUR. What a dipshit.”

    45 hours a week doesn’t exactly sound like a part-time job, either. $1 per article? For $1 I would go to the ChomskyBot and copy and past whatever came out of it and call that an article. Throw a couple of SEO keywords in there and you’re good to go.

  • YSaC, Vol. 276: And keep them off my lawn, too!

    I made an image of the page because this one requires the full context:

    276

    Michael sent this one in. I guess child labor laws don’t apply if the kids are adorable. It’s only the ugly kids that get union representation to keep them from having to work the heavy machinery. If they’re adorable, though, they’re stuck on the assembly line for life. Serves ’em right, those cute little bastards.

  • YSaC, Vol. 260: Note to self — don’t search for “sexy secretary” with safe search off.

    Sexy Personal Assistant

    I’m looking to hire a personal assistant to help out around my home office. I’m a good looking 28 year old man who runs a small company and I need to hire someone to take care of answering the phones, responding to clients and taking notes while I’m in meetings and just everyday helping out and tidying up around the office. I would like to hire a sexy little 18-25 year old girl. This is a strictly working relationship and not require you to do anything physical with me. I only require that whoever I hire comes to work in cute and sexy outfits to parade the office all day and giving me something to stare at. You would have the opportunity however to make extra money every now and then giving me a lap dance if you were open to that. Serious inquiries only. Looking to fill the position by the end of the week.

    I think someone’s been watching Secretary a few times too many. Would I have to wear the saddle and hold the carrot in my mouth?

    Kim submitted this one, saying, “I kind of want to take the job just so I can sue him for his business later on.  I’m sure I could run it better than this ungrammatical horndog, whatever it is.”

    This really is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I like how it progresses from “strictly working relationship” to “you can give me a lap dance”. Nope, I’m sure there’s no ulterior motives here.

    Maybe he’ll get lucky and get Mrs. Wiggins!

  • YSaC, Vol. 206: I hope they cuff his hands in the front.

    Female front desk clerk to help me win nude bet

    Hello, some friends have made a fun bet with me to stay at a hotel and lock myself nude out of my room and then have to go to the front desk that way to ask for a spare key. The bet is worth $200 and I would be glad to give you $100 of it to let me come down to the desk to win the bet. It is just all good, clean fun and hopefully would be a fun/funny story for you to tell afterwards. Please respond to this ad if you would be willing to help me win the bet, get a good laugh (and split the winnings). Thanks, Gary

    If I worked at a hotel, I would agree to this … and then get in touch with Gary’s friends and tell them that for $100 more, I would pretend I didn’t know who he was when he came into the lobby naked, and refuse to give Gary the key to his room, AND let them record it. Wouldn’t that be good, clean fun? I know that would be a funny story for me to tell afterwards.

    All right, hands up — who else thinks there aren’t actually any “friends” involved, and Gary has concocted this friends/bet story to satisfy his own weird fantasy?

    This was found in the Food/Bev/Hosp jobs section by Sara — thanks!

  • YSaC, Vol. 202: I’d like you to meet my brother.

    Someone to do my Job

    I have 2 jobs, a day job and a night job, and I need someone to do my night job. My night job sucks cause it cuts into my drinking and jacking around time. I am looking for someone to do my night job whilst I be goin out partying and whatever else…I will pay you half of what I make to do the job. If this works out, I might look around for another job for you too.

    The pursuit of life, liberty, and jacking around time is what made this country great. That, and the spirit of outsourcing.

    Too bad I couldn’t hook him up with this person:

    let’s trade…I need a

    full time permanent job for my brother…he is draining my resourses. I have his resume and will forward it to a person that can help. we can negotiate what we will barter. thanks in advance.

    If you outsource your brother to an outsourcer, does that make you an outsorcerer? (Or a pimp?)

    Thanks to Christine and bmillis for the submissions!

  • YSaC, Vol. CXC

    Wanted Editor For My Book

    I am in process of writing and publishing my frist book. I need an experience editor who willing to do it for free. Since I don’t have much money. It about helping people to understand about pit bulls and others breeds how they can make great pet etc and common myths about them. Thanks.

    It’s certainly hard to argue that they desperately need an editor. Let’s start with an editor for their Craigslist post and then work our way up …

    Wanted: Editor For My Book

    I am in the process of writing and publishing my frist first book. I need an experienced editor who is willing to do it for free. S since I don’t have much money. It‘s about helping people to understand about pit bulls and others breeds; I want to show how that they can make great pets etc and discuss common myths about them. Thanks.

    Actually, I would rearrange the paragraph so that the third sentence is second, since the word “It’s” is referring to book, and not editor.

    On second thought, no thanks. Something tells me that book would be a lot of work.

    Submitted by Sara from over at It’s Lovely! I’ll Take It!, which I must admit was one of the blogs that gave me the idea for this one. Thanks, Sara!