You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 404: Sponge bath time!

Written by

drmk

in

Care Giver for Elderly Nudist – m4mw – 51

Experienced Caregiver or Elder Babtsitting while you go to store etc. Im a nudist and will care for your elderly free
if I can do it nude. Up to 3 hours free

I have face id; a longtime resident of [location] and am dd free. Im 51 male and have cared for people for
about 25 years, family mostlty.

Let me know

Wait … what? If I parse the title, it sounds as though someone is looking for a caregiver for an elderly nudist. In the ad, though, it turns out you want to take care of old people while YOU, YOURSELF, ARE NUDE. And you’re willing to do it for free, IF YOU CAN DO IT NUDE.

Oh. Hell. No. Look, I’m all for nudism, and I’m all for elder care, but some things just don’t mix, okay? And why is this posted in Strictly Platonic instead of, say, Volunteers or Services?

Thanks for the submission, Mike!

Comments

44 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 404: Sponge bath time!”

  1. Mary Avatar
    Mary

    “No ma’am, that’s not a grab bar for the shower.”

    1. Jess Avatar
      Jess

      Mary! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      Ahem. Ew. The only thing creepier than this offer is the thought this dude has been caring for “mostly family” for 25 years. Nude, presumably.

      “Watch your eye, Uncle Joe.”

  2. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    I have face id

    What??

    “I have a card ID with a picture of my face.”

    Oh, well, then you must be legit and trustworthy, come right on in. You can leave your clothes in a pile right over there…

    1. TeDiouS Avatar
      TeDiouS

      It’s not what his face looks like that I’d be worried about.

      And I don’t think anyone would be looking at his face anyway, not with…well, everything else just hanging out there.

  3. wordsprite Avatar
    wordsprite

    The best part is “DD free.” OK, drug-free is something important to me and Grandma. But, well, STI’s? I suppose, if the junk is out there, it should be clean.

    1. Count Blah Avatar
      Count Blah

      I noticed that, too. “DD free” is a phrase usually reserved for ads seeking sex. Is this guy looking to molest people who are too senile to tell on him?

      Oh, and I love that he specifies that he has a “face ID”. It makes me think that he has several pieces of photo identification and all but one depict his penis.

      1. Fraulein N Avatar
        Fraulein N

        I think that’s *exactly* what he’s looking for. Dude, that’s messed up.

  4. frigglesnitz Avatar
    frigglesnitz

    Oh, I don’t know, I think my 93-year old gram would have loved having a naked 51-year old frolicking about her place. (Nudists always frolic; it’s is the nudist handbook.)

    “See, here, sweet cheeks, Gram’s gone and dropped her Soap Opera Digest on the floor again. Could you be a dear and bend over and pick that up, hmm?”

  5. Mimi Avatar
    Mimi

    We have gone through some serious rigamarole trying to find even barely competent caregivers for my grandpa and disabled aunt. Even though the service is free, I really don’t see my pappy being thrilled in the least about some strange naked guy in his house. I, however, would love to video the resulting brewhaha and become an overnight YouTube superstar!

    1. marn Avatar
      marn

      “rigamarole” AND “brewhaha”?!

      love it.

      1. Steph Avatar
        Steph

        But I’m pretty sure it’s spelled “brouhaha”… *gets killed by the percentage of the Internet that calls me “anal-retentive”*

  6. Jami(no "e") Avatar
    Jami(no “e”)

    Having done caregiving of all sorts, I don’t really think it’s something you want to do in the nude. It just sounds messy, and a great way to get yourself into a lawsuit.

  7. Count Blah Avatar
    Count Blah

    When I am at home alone (or with a special friend) I am emphatically anti-pants. I’m totally on board with the whole “Yay! Being naked is comfy and natural!” thing–under the appropriate circumstances.

    My ex-roommate, however, was a self-proclaimed nudist who got a huge kick out of sunbathing naked right next to well-populated hiking trails. He also managed to “accidentally” expose himself to me on numerous occasions (how do you not notice that your scrotum has escaped your shorts and is now sprawled across the searing sun-heated vinyl surface of your chair?). And now there’ s this Craigslist person who’s jonesin’ to get nude in front of old people.

    Helpful hint: if it’s only fun when someone else is watching (/trying not to watch/dry heaving/calling the police) then you’re not a nudist, you’re an exhibitionist.

  8. Lola Avatar
    Lola

    My brain needs bleach and a scrub with a wire brush after reading (and unfortunately imagining) that.

  9. MoxieHart Avatar
    MoxieHart

    Haven’t the elderly suffered enough? You survive the Depression and WWII and you’re in the last years of your life, you don’t want to open your eyes and see a 51 year old nudist! Unless that nudist looks like Clarke Gable or Bette Davis.

    1. Count Blah Avatar
      Count Blah

      But–it must be added–Clark Gable or Bette Davis in their heyday. Not so much now. 😛

      1. Laura Jane Avatar
        Laura Jane

        Well especially not now because they have both been dead for many years, so I imagine they are looking pretty moldy.

        1. MoxieHart Avatar
          MoxieHart

          I’m sure there’s surgery for that…

      2. MoxieHart Avatar
        MoxieHart

        Clarke Gable and Bette Davis are back from the dead–and they’re NUDE!!!

        1. LurkRealClose Avatar
          LurkRealClose

          …next on FOX.

          I think Dead Nude Celebrities would be a great mid-season replacement for When Real Estate Agents Attack, which is losing popularity with the current housing crisis.

  10. skoboat Avatar
    skoboat

    My mom does home health care. She once had a patient who was a nudist. The patient and his wife kindly wore clothing while the home health care workers visited. The neighbors in the gated nudist community did not. From the title, I thought perhaps it was that couple.

    1. MoxieHart Avatar
      MoxieHart

      Honestly, my parents are nudists and they wear clothes a lot of the time, especially if I’m home because they know I’m not into it. People think nudists are nude all the time but they’re not, unless they’re at some nudisty retreat. And there are nudist rules and stuff. It’s not just like a free for all of nudity. Can I use the word nudist any more in this comment?

  11. bruce Avatar
    bruce

    hey, don’t judge what you’d do if you really needed some help in the home!
    Who cares what his kink is as long as he just leaves it at working in the nude. Do you have any idea what home assistance costs?
    I’m 55, a gimp & getting worse; to the point that, in a very short time, I’ll probably need some help myself. Living on SSDI as I do I think I’d take him up on the offer.

  12. Hiyame Avatar
    Hiyame

    Still, even if he has good intentions… This is just full on creepy. I mean, I can understand being a nudist. It’s not something I would do, but it seems to make a lot of people happy. But… why would you need to do that while caring for the elderly? I mean, there’s hobbies, and then there is jobs, and those things probably shouldn’t mix…. I think one of the previous commentors was right to call him an exhibitionist… That sounds less of a “I’m going to be true to my lifestyle” move and more of a “hey, let’s freak out old people!” move.

  13. pixie721 Avatar
    pixie721

    I think I’d find this post less creepy if the spelling and syntax were better.

    Does “dd free” mean drug and disease free?

    1. Irregular Fractal Avatar
      Irregular Fractal

      I think the only way I’d find it MORE creepy would be if it were posted by Christopher Walken.

      1. dan Avatar
        dan

        How do you know it’s not?

    2. casualencounters.com/blog/ Avatar
      casualencounters.com/blog/

      (Yes, it does.)

  14. Heather Avatar
    Heather

    Did anyone else find the fact that he “did it mostly for family” for the past 25 years as disturbing as I did…?? Family jewels indeed.

  15. Mrphysic Avatar
    Mrphysic

    I think there is a method to this madness – for those seeking to get their hands on a fat inheritance. I’m fairly sure my Grandmother would have a heart attack fairly soon after seeing her ‘care giver’ strip it all off. Now obviously that would be bad…….but for some people who feel like Ma has over-stayed her welcome………

    But at the end of the day, the only thing with balls that should be screwing old folk should be the local Bingo club…….or the Lottery at a push. (dd free is just too much information).

    My mind does keep wondering to a scene where a squinting, randy old dear quickly shuffles off to go get her reading glasses though…….

    Or worse still, an even randier old dear losing her false teeth on his…….OK stopping now….Sorry everyone

    1. bonni Avatar
      bonni

      “Three old ladies were sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day, when suddenly a man wearing only a long trench coat walked by and exposed himself to them. The first old lady shrieked and promptly had a stroke. When the second old lady saw the almost-naked man, she gasped and also had a stroke. The third old lady didn’t have a stroke, but only because she was sitting too far away and couldn’t reach.”

      Thankyewthankyew, IlearnedthatjokefrommyfriendwholivesinHollywood, noapplausejustthrowmoney . . .

  16. casualencounters.com/blog/ Avatar
    casualencounters.com/blog/

    …

  17. Jami(no "e") Avatar
    Jami(no “e”)

    Oh! I think I figured out the “D/D free” remark in the ad. Think about it, if someone was working for you in the nude wouldn’t you feel a little more comfortable if they were disease free? Then there’s the drug free part, that’s normal for just about any job. They’re just easy to group together.

    1. Count Blah Avatar
      Count Blah

      Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think STDs are pretty much all transferred by either mixing the afflicted person’s fluids with yours (i.e. AIDS) or rubbing their crotch against yours (i.e. HPV). A caregiver–even a naked one–should not be doing those things.

      (“Your bath is ready, Mrs. Peabody. Let me just help you into the tub.”

      “…Young man, are you dry-humping me?!”

      “Um……………..”

      “Well, I suppose it’s alright. You did say you’re disease-free.”)

      1. Jami(no "e") Avatar
        Jami(no “e”)

        As true as that is, I think it was meant to just assure someone they won’t be looking at anything TOO unpleasant.

        1. Laura Jane Avatar
          Laura Jane

          Well okey-dokey then! It is just a 51-year-old penis, NOT a 51-year-old penis with oozing sores. So that’s a relief.

  18. Monica Avatar
    Monica

    I don’t think anyone could submit their aging relatives to that.

  19. Shark Blank Avatar
    Shark Blank

    I have now read through the entire archive! And I got my mom addicted to this site also.

    1. Tia Hillary Avatar
      Tia Hillary

      so it is possible … to read through the entire archive?? I’m working on it – and it would be a lot easier if the comments weren’t so *damn* funny!! I only hope to be worthy enough to become a frequent comment-er myself some day …

  20. bruce Avatar
    bruce

    I certainly hope when YOUR junk is 51 it doesn’t freak you out as you won’t be able to say ‘eeek” and run away from it.

    1. Ilona Avatar
      Ilona

      There is a BIG difference between seeing your own, or your partner’s, 51 yo junk and some random dude’s who’s supposed to be taking care of you.

  21. lesismore Avatar
    lesismore

    so if the first three hours are free, what happens if you need him longer than that?

    oh, that wording is bad. i mean, does he start charging the fourth hour? are the first three hours free to entice you? i mean, maybe the nudity is enticing enough for some people.

    i keep picturing an elderly person who is in bed or sitting in a chair being cared for by some naked dude. i mean, think about their eye line from that vantage point.

    :::shiver:::

  22. cornflakes Avatar
    cornflakes

    “nude” and “babysitting” are two words that should never ever be used in the same ad

  23. Chelsea Avatar
    Chelsea

    I’m intrigued by the detail that most of his experience consists of caring for his family. Call me crazy, but I feel like it’s almost MORE awkward to be naked around people you know (let alone share genes with) than complete strangers. Do you really want your grandmother comparing your goods with your grandpa’s?

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