YSaC, Vol. 408: Kurzsichtiger Epileptikerdachs, in case you were wondering.
2009 August 29
Custom Pink Coffee Table – $5
Customized coffee table with lower rack and wheels.
You know, there just isn’t a good way to describe this coffee table. “Customized” isn’t quite the right word, is it?
Now that I think about it, I’m not sure English HAS the right word to describe this coffee table, since there isn’t a word that means “appears to have been spraypainted by a nearsighted epileptic badger with an anger management problem”. I’m sure German has a word for that, though.
Thanks to “The Shanimal” for the submission!
This table is perfect if you don’t have kids and want to make it look like you do.
You don’t suck at captioning! Good thing I finished my coffee before reading “appears to have been spraypainted by a nearsighted epileptic badger with an anger management problem.”
Oh, and $5? Is that what they’re paying me to take this monstrosity off their hands?
Bah, just stick a few sequins on it, throw a glass top over the whole thing, and call it modern art.
My favorite part is the “lower rack” that appears to just be a piece of wood (that happens to “match” – minus the custom pink paint job) and is held on by some sort of large rubber bands.
Rubbers bands? I was thinking it was some kind of metal strapping. I guess I’m giving them too much credit…
The lower rack looks like it tagged along with the table to a flamboyant S&M party.
I’m thinking that’s really just well done duct taping. DIY home decorating gone very, very, very wrong.
I don’t think “badger”. I think “vicious three year old with a spray can” which in some cases is indistinguishable from said badger, only with slobbery Cheerios crumbs.
I was one of 5 kids[*]…yeah, I was thinking “3 year old” too.
[*]There’s a reason I don’t have any of those.
-Mumbles out of box of Cheerios and bath full of slobber-
Hey! Leave my kind alone! 🙂
Hmmm? In most circles people would refer to the “lower rack” as a shelf. Just sayin’. However, they could probably up the price a little if they claimed they could see the Virgin Mary on the table as was the case in that marble monstrosity earlier this week.
More like “betrunken surgikalkatastrophe,” if you ask me.
From IKEA!
“…with lower rack and wheels”.
Now if that isn’t convenient, I don’t know what is. How many times have you said to yourself, “Self, I sure wish I had a rack on wheels so I could get some answers around here! Ease of use, portability. Use it in the livingroom, down in the converted basement/rec room, wheel it out to the garage.
I’m thinking those black bands are some sort of sophisticated mechanism that enables you to swing the lower part out and up and fix it in place. Then you can just get that no-good kid who wants to date your Precious Princess into position and the black bands do double duty as restraining straps. Hey presto! A little quality time and enhanced interrogation of the neighborhood Romeo.
What? I just saw Goya’s Ghosts.
Why did they take the pictures outdoors? It looks like more of an indoor table.
They must have taken note from all the ads people post for vacuums. Outside is obviously the best place to sell indoor items as you can see the item in its full glory under natural light.
It’s very clear to me that someone’s kids got loose in the house and decided that the coffee table would look better pink. The parents got angry, decided to send them to their rooms but in the end thought…”You know what, I hate that coffee table anyways. Let’s put it on Craigslist and get a few bucks!”
I was going to suggest an angry ex…
I think the pink spraypaint covers up the blood quite nicely.
Why do I suspect this piece was originally a door salvaged from the Pepto-Bismol factory explosion?
I think “janky” is a good word to describe this.
Is Schadenfreude the word here? I’m happy at the misfortune of whomever ends up buying that catastrophe.
Whatever the straps are (I was guessing electrical tape) they obviously predate the “customization,” since the pink runs right over them. It’s a style known as “I really pissed off my roomate.”
I guess I like how the title makes you think the whole thing is pink, when it really isn’t…and then I found 5 dollars.
I apologize on behalf of all crafters. We’re not all this incompetent.
Didn’t the Germans contribute the word ‘vandal’, though?
It kind of looks like it was done in MS Paint after the fact, lol.
Maybe they had some random pictures of their coffee table in the driveway and needed to “update” them to reflect the night Cousin Bob went a little wacky with the spray can mama use to touch up the Caddy.
This seems more like something you just stick out in front of your house and hope someone takes. Possibly then creating a Craigslist ad to tell people where it is if they want it.
Seriously, what is that thing? A door with a board strapped underneath it? And then attacked with spray paint? An attempt at creating furniture from whatever random items were in an old tool shed?
*singing*
badger badger badger badger….spraypaint, spraypaint….badger badger badger badger….ohh seizure, seizure, spraypaint….badger badger badger badger badger….
and for anybody who has failed to keep up to date with internet memes, as is so often the case with myself, I offer this adorable, addicting website to explain my comment and possibly add humor to it: http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/
What an amazing website! I’ll be singing “badger, badger, badger …” in the shower now!
As for the door / table / wreck the plan is for us to buy it, take it to the Tate Modern and exhibit it for £1m … it must be a post-modern ironic remodelling statement … surely … not just a piece of old tat ?
oh, that’s a tail on the dancing badgers. Thank God.
‘…hahaha this is nearly as screwed up as that time that I took our vandalised door off it’s hinges – removed the handle, added some wheels, and then sold the f***er on Craiglist for $5….’
I thought you had to pay people more than $5 to haul away your old crap?
Cheapskate.
well, i am german and i honestly have no word on hand that doesn’t exist in english, it’s just a (hideously pointless) piece of junk to me, but i’m not really an imaginary person.
anyway, with or without the “lower rack” AND the graffiti AND the wheels, that table is just so dull looking it could kill a hyperactive child on speed and double espresso with its dullness.
Are you _sure_ you’re not imaginary? I thought that about Bob too, but turns out he was a ‘side effect’.
Not pictured: “Customized” Lexus; $500.
This is obviously outside because if it were still in the living room we could see the tagging on the couch, carpet, and drapes. I used to watch the child who customized this table in my daycare. I have a matching television set and pack n’ play if anyone is interested. However, mine are blue, so they’d be better for a boy’s room.
does this family mayhap have a fireplace?
You know, most people (women, usually) who have a lower rack don’t advertise for someone to take it away, they go out and get a bra.
I’d love to know whether or not they have the rest of the matching lounge suite. It looks like my luck might be good as I can see some other driveway furniture in the background of these photos. Woohoo!
“Customized” isn’t quite the word… I have it! Vandalized!
Pimp my table!
Yo dawg,
I hear you like things customized, so I put junky spraypaint on your junky table so you can vomit while you vomit.
Honestly, it’s the asymmetry of the “lower rack” that bothers me most. I could probably live w/ the “customization” if forced to, but the asymmetry would drive me nuts w/in a week. 2 days if I’m spending much time in the same room as it.
Tabula rosa?
Also, I think it should be “Kurzsichtiger Epileptikerdackel” (shortsighted, epileptic Dachshund)–my mother had one of those and he could have produced the lovely pink pattern, except his paws were too short for a spray can.
Nearsighted badger
Epileptic and angry
Table is now pink
You’re out of control!
*handing the moose Lola’s flask*
Haiku is the best
Not sure how to stop my brain
*Chugs from flask* Ohh, Ahh.
All of the badgers I know Hate the color pink. Of course, they hate tables too. I don’t think the badger would have to be epileptic to do this.
I commented on this Redux way too early.
You people misunderstand. This is art. It speaks to the existential angst of contemporary bourgeois society, plus man’s inhumanity to guests in the living room. That, and you can use the lower part for the magazines that you’ve bought ironically.
Who uses pink for graffiti? Bloods? Crips? Juggalos? Almighty Latin King Nation? Barbie-13? (ooh, the stilettos on those bad gals!)
My money’s on those Bratz girls. They look shifty, like they’d cut you and steal both your boyfriend and your shoes.
I didn’t do it. I couldn’t have done it.
Although the last few days have been a bit fuzzy.
I guess it could be Old Monkey Vomit.
Well thank you for not suggesting it was an Ordinary Maniacal Vixen.
That would have been painful if I laughed at that.
But it’s a steal at $5! No one can resist that bargain! Let me see how much change is under the sofa cushions.
I can only guess they ran out of “Barbie puke pink” nail polish before they finished the first coat. The table itself looks salvageable with a little work, so the price isn’t unreasonable. The caster wheels probably cost that much, and the goofy shelf could be re-purposed into a magazine holder to keep the top free of clutter.
” “Customized” isn’t quite the right word, is it?”
Maybe “Hurtyoreyesed” is the right word then?
Who’s holding court inside the box on Sunday,
Smiling at every post that she sees?
Who’s reaching out to fling you lots of doors?
Everyone knows it’s Archie!
Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Interiors by Design!
Belated thanks, Windy!