YSaC, Vol. 427: Title of the Post.
We here at YSaC put a lot of thought into the titles of our posts. It pleases us greatly when someone gets the (occasionally obscure, usually stupid) reference we are making. Hell, it just pleases us if someone notices there is a title at all!
Anyway, sometimes we get submissions where people haven’t put quite as much thought into the title of their ad as we do. For example:
Free Baby and Various items
“Yes, the baby is still available, as are the various items. I’m sorry, what? What are the various items? Oh, there’s lots of stuff … there’s a combine harvester, a cassette tape of Seals & Crofts, a turnip twaddler, and four garbage bags full of ping-pong balls. You’ll take all of it and the baby? Great!”
i box of misselounous – $20
There was a big Greek community where I grew up. It’s nice of Mr. Box O. Misselounous to introduce himself to everyone on Craigslist. I think he might have been my algebra teacher.
AVENT ISIS ON THE GO MANUAL BEAST PUMP KIT-PAID $50–USED EXACTLY ONCE
It was used exactly once, but it was used to pump a herd of wildebeest across a crocodile-infested river. (You may have seen the footage on the When Animals Eat Each Other channel.)
THE BEST VENUE FOR THE BEST RAPERS
We should put our up incoming female raper in touch with this venue. I mean, if you’re going to do something, at least be the best at it, right?
Thanks to Kriss, Ashley, totallyfakeaddress@email.com (hey, if that’s what you send me, that’s what I’m going to post!), and Jocelyn for the submissions!
Oh lord. A beast pump. I … don’t even want to know. I mean, I can sort of guess (hope?) they meant breast pump, but they put “beast pump” and now that’s what I’m thinking of. God dammit. No matter what kind of pump it is — breast, beast, or … uh, beast — I don’t want any kind of pump that’s been used by a stranger “exactly once.” Even approximately once is too much for me.
I actually really want to know what a beast pump is and how it works. Maybe there is a PBS special. I’m sure once I find out I’ll wish I never knew . . . damn inquisitive nature.
Perhaps this is an ESL issue, and this has been auto-corrected from pompe de Brest. And, since it was only used during l’inondation de 1807, that counts as “once used” (while not being “nearly new”–a phrase not used by M. Sparqueé in the ad).
Of course, since I am not a student of couture, there may in fact be a well-known sabot petites d’Brest which the cobbler Ajax spells as “pump” rather than as “pompe.”
I prefer to think of it as half of a pair of beast pumps– cute shoes made from ostrich skin, or possibly cheetah. That’s where the “on the go” part comes in, these are totally beast pumps that you can run in. However why she is only selling one, I don’t know. Perhaps one of the beast pumps was eaten by the dog who got confused by the smell of wildebeest in her closet.
Ah, so, a bedazzled dear hoof slipper in a modest low-rise heel?
This makes sense.
Also the “used only once” part, too–being beset by cougars would discourage much additional use.
Well then, it should warm your heart to know that when I’m done reading a post, I scroll back up the title to make extra-sure I didn’t miss it.
I’m serious.
The titles are definitely the lure.
And a “beast pump” was totally used in the kitchen during the preparation of the “roast beast” in Whoville.
WHY, please goddess above tell me WHY, does that old and very yucky joke about the guy milking the bull come to mind when I see the phrase “beast pump”?
I’m going to be stuck with that image in my head all day. No amount of thinking about hippopotami or dancing pink elephants or bananas will help. It’s only 10 am and I’m left with no recourse but vodka. I haven’t even had TOAST yet.
I’m a little late on the draw here, but the solution is obviously to toast with vodka.
I would say that it shocks me that titler number two couldn’t differentiate between the “i” and “1” keys, but nothing shocks me on this blog anymore. Nothing. *cue nightmare image sequence*
Perhaps the titler was just trying to cash in on the iFad — iBox of “misselounous” accessories for overpriced music player, $20.
There is the tiniest of possibilities–quantum-level probability, really–that “i” is used as a quantity, meaning that Spark’ has √-1 cartons of possibly Greek items to vend.
That’s giving Sparky way too much credit
i think i’ll have the misselounous things if they are different from the various. but i’m gonna have to pass on that baby. i’ll tune into that ‘when aminals eat their young’ channel. thanks for that tip.
Serious points for the reference in the post title, Web Boss. Serious points.
I must not be one of teh cool. What is it a reference to?
It’s a brilliant metasong by the now-defunct a cappella group, Da Vinci’s Notebook, who gave rise to the folk/comedy/geekmusic duo Paul and Storm.
Here’s the tune, with lyrics for your edification and enjoyment.
—————
Pithy yet overused jaunty signature quote
Love that sig! Also I miss Da Vinci’s Notebook horribly. Paul and Storm aren’t the same to me.
Oh! Oh! I’ll take the baby! Especially since it is free. I can make a tidy profit selling it on ebaby! Nice!!
Use it for a tax write off first and then sell it on ebay.
What kind of simpleton gives away a valuable commodity, such as a baby, that can be sold for enormous profit?
They are probably trying to create a loophole. They know they can’t sell a baby, so they are offering the “various items” for the price they would ask for the baby and give the brat as a “gift” for the purchase.
No, I don’t want the whole lot…just the bags of ping pong balls…I have a cubicle I need to fill…What? The balls and the baby? Well what’s wrong with him/her? The birth wasn’t announced four times? The invitationes didn’t get put in the meil? Oh. I see. That’s bad. No thanks, I’ll pass on everything.
Bonus thumbs-up for the obscure Bloom County reference.
Yup. Turnip twaddlers are a rarity these days.
So…is the “best venue for the best rapers” guy trying to sell his van, or…?
Comment.
Acknowledgement of comment. Shared revelry at original post.
Slightly obscure pop culture reference designed to assess commenter’s online street cred.
Minor grammar nitpick.
Rambling personal anecdote.
Fictitious exchange between imaginary characters referencing posting.
Blithering comment displaying how little I know about anything previously posted.
Snarky comment about your personal anecdote.
Overzealous defense of said personal anecdote. Misspelled and faulty accusations re: your sense of humour, living situation, and personal hygiene.
Totally unrelated comment posted in the wrong place; caused by accidentally clicking on the wrong “Reply” link.
Not really heartfelt apology for clicking wrong “Reply” link followed by long, boring, drawn-out explanation of what a dumb-ass I am.
Formal rebuttal of entire post and comments because, one: all these items ARE, in fact, useful – and accidental spelling mistakes are never funny (not even ironically). two: the web boss’ living arrangements and level of education are questionable. three: I’m a douchebag
Irate tirade about your douchebaggery. Personal remark attempting to link myself in a personal way to the Web Boss, all part of a plan to get my own tag. Dismal failure at a snappy closing.
Irritated response to attempt to make personal linkage web boss. Reminder of actual personal linkage to web boss. Supercilious attempt to lord said personal connection over other posters. Oatmeal.
(I have no idea where that last came from. I just like oatmeal.)
Cranky late-to-the-game addendum unlikely to be read by any of the site’s regulars, in which I make a mildly amusing riposte or pun, or (more likely) merely repeat the joke that others were enjoying several months ago.
Boring remark about having read addendum.
Small laugh at pun.
Flippant comment about going out to get drunk
Interjection from future replete with time-advanced memes aside somewhat out of context to original sense of trope. Porridge.
Comment more than 3 years after-the-fact pointing out that nobody has said “PECIL!”. Acknowledgement of a corner to the Snark Lounge.
edit: Comment about how that was supposed to nest, but didn’t.
“turnip twaddler”
Bloom County!
(see, people do get your obscure references..)
Title of the post
Naive hope that you’ll buy
Reluctance to accept that you may not
Request that you drive here
And pick up all my junk
Repetition of
The title of the post
Heheh… another fan of Davinci’s Notebook, I see! 🙂
Here I’ve been worried about the whole ‘ticking biological clock’ thing when all I had to do was troll CraigsList for a baby. I would have thought it would be easier to find a baby daddy on CraigsList than a baby.
I actuallly found a “beast pump” in a thrift store once. It took me a minute to realize what it was because it had been dumped into a large plastic ziploc bag. It had also been used once. You could tell because it had Not. Been. Washed. Think about that for a minute. I had to run home and scrub my hands with bleach after that.
I thought I was the only one who got the turnip twaddler reference.
Yay! I got a quote in the featured column! Congrats to Jess as well☺
Congrats to you as well sarajean. Couldn’t have done it without you.
4 seil – 1 byolojicle clock
my beutiful biolojacol clock smashed to tiny peeces beefor it wuz finished beeing instaled.
it stil ticking tho. kinda scaree, maybe bomb. i want to maek shur it go to gud hoem so asking four rehoming fee of 50.
it liek new, comes with matching beast pump, baby and various items.
Nooooo…
What, and possibly who, determines the the “best” rapers? Or perhaps they meant “beast”.
My mind then went to “beast rapers”, but then rapidly retreated from the nebulous proto-visual that was forming, and thought some more about oatmeal. *whew* That was close.
Sorry, I really got nothin’ here.
The best rapers of the beast pump cause misselounous free babies?
And various items.
The beast pump thing has that old Sour Skittles commercial replaying in my mind. The one where the old guy is being milked. UGH! ::shudders::
Ew! I’ll need to scrub my brain with bleach to rid it of that thought. Blech!
I’m pleased to say I know NOTHING about the Sour Skittles commercial (not owning a TV has its advantages). And I am thrilled to say I got the reference to “Title of the Song” and “turnip twaddler”. I feel all cool now.
‘USED EXACTLY ONCE’ still means you’re buying a used breast pump. For about what I bought my new one for. I’m a little bit picky about where my lady lumps go. That might just be me. After reading this blog I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some kind of fetish regarding that particular item.
Oh nooo. Babies are not free, don’t try and play me like that.
Babies are not free. Ever. Heh heh. Both of my kids are gone now, in college. I got the call yesterday from one of them; apparently there are some “dues” that have to be paid. Cha-ching! Empty out the wallet again.
But at least I am done paying child support now, after 15 years. 🙂
I think of that whenever I see a sign somewhere claiming “Free puppies” or Free kittens”. Uh, no they’re NOT.
As the saying goes, there is no such thing as a free lunch.
Post a comment full of obsequious musings about the Web Boss, full of grandiose language and obscure (yet hysterical) refrences to old YSaC posts to prove long time readership, in a vain attempt to be selected as the “comment of the day.”
Wow, this is almost pre-history! Before we punched out the person in the box. So, who would you have picked? And I bet that baby is still available, but not so baby-like anymore.
By now, I’m sure that the baby has spread misselounous all over the carpet and even broken the beast pump.
Ugh, there are just some used items that should NOT be resold. Even when spelled correctly.
Only a few times have I recognized the titles as coming from something. Even when I don’t, they’re funny as hell. A person doesn’t have to know the reference to be amused by it and that’s why I love it.
Well, Windrose, I would have picked Irregular Fractal’s reply to comment comment.
That whole section was highly amusing
Is it me, or are all of these ads very?
“The best venue for the best rapers”
Fortunately, Chris Hansen’s crime-catching techniques improved after that post.
HamCan, who’s a good puppy? You are! Who wants a tummy rub? You do! Who’s getting this instead? You are! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, A Million Pints of Light!
OUCH! *wags*