YSaC, Vol. CLXV
This is behind a cut because it’s long. Trust me, it’s worth it though!
All the tenants I interview aren’t good enough
Available Immediately – Broadway and Commercial – Showing Saturday and Sunday – Email for directions and additional information.What kind of apartment is it?
• One bedroom basement apartment with separate entrance
• Tastefully decorated with modern décor
• Approximately 650 square feet
• There is even a window! Security bars installed for your safety and to prevent unauthorized activity
• Closed circuit camera installed for security and safety. One in your suite, one at the entrance, and one in the exercise yardRent:
• $480.00 per month
• First month’s rent + ½ month security deposit due at move in
• Small pet allowed with approval and payment of additional ½ month pet damage deposit
• One year lease permitted, option to renew lease at end of the term with no increase in rent
• LANDLORD’S SPECIAL! Move in before January 1st and don’t pay for the remainder of December! That’s significant savings.Included in the rent:
• Electricity
• Heat – Maintained at 21 degrees with lock box to prevent unauthorized tampering. Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month. You may not use your oven to heat the apartment. If you do, you will be fined $50.00 per occurrence.
• Air conditioning – Maintained at 25 degrees during the summer with lock box to prevent extra cooling from being dispensed. Additional cooling for sale for $20.00 per degree of cooling requested per month.
• 25″ Zenith color television set with basic cable service – INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Wireless internet (with content filter applied to block forbidden/immoral websites) – INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Provision of coin laundry services – You will have your own personal coin laundry washer and dryer machines. Washers and dryers are paid using a token system. Tokens can be purchased through the landlord. Washer tokens cost $4.15 each and dryer tokens cost $3.60 each. You are not allowed to use foreign currency or slugs in the washer and dryer. Violators will be fined $100.00 per infraction.About us: (Landlords)
We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible. We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.
About you: (Tenant)
• You are employed
• You do not participate in lascivious deviant sexual behavior
• You do not choose alternative lifestyles as your lifestyle
• You do not have any criminal history
• You must have excellent character references
• You do not smoke, drink or take drugs. Mandatory drug screening required.Additional Rules/Conditions:
CLEANLINESS: You are responsible for the cleanliness and orderliness of your apartment. Beds are to be made before leaving your suite, countertops must be wiped down, and you must remove all trash. Upon inspection, if the tenant’s basement suite is not clean, the cost of cleaning services plus a fine of $100.00 will be levied.
LIGHTS: The lights in your basement suite and in the day room are not to be tampered with. If a light needs repair, report the condition to the Landlord.
WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in the suite will be turned on automatically.
LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.
CONTRABAND: The following items are considered contraband – alcohol, illegal drugs, tobacco, weapons, lock picking equipment. If any contraband is discovered to be in your possession, you will be subject to a minimum $1,000.00 fine. In addition, your items will be confiscated permanently. Second offense – you will be evicted without notice. A bailiff will escort you and your belongings off the premises. Your security deposit will not be returned.
SMOKING: The basement suite is non-smoking. Anyone in possession of tobacco products of any kind or any lighter or matches, will have their contraband items confiscated and will be fined $100.00.
INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure that these rules and regulations are being followed.
VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from 1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All visitors must sign the Visitor’s Log. Unauthorized visitors will be escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.
I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D. bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at
the nominal cost of $5.00.
EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to 6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.
Wow. Just … wow. I actually don’t even know what to say about this. My snark fails me in the face of extreme Control Freak Disorder.
This was posted as an ad in a Canadian city. Let’s assume that this is legitimate and not some elaborate joke or a troll. (I’m not convinced that it is legitimate — it’s got just enough crazy that it could be real, but just enough so that it could be someone trying to rile people up.)
Anyway, assuming it is real, I can’t decide what I’m most horrified by — the fact that it appears the landlord has control over the lights and the tenant doesn’t, or the fact that the landlord wants to make the tenant wear an ID bracelet — is there a chance the landlord’s going to forget what the tenant looks like?
Visitation periods?
Unannounced inspections?
$7.75 for a load of laundry??
Wow. I can’t imagine why they’re having trouble finding a tenant.
What scares me is the heat. 21 degrees in the middle of a canadian winter? I really hope that’s celsius. $20 bucks for every extra degree. You would end up spending more to have your heat turned up than rent would cost. And I bet space heaters are contraband…
I have been looking for an apartment with a window! Sweet!
I totally dig the Landlord’s special.
It’s significant savings! This could possibly be the craziest thing I’ve seen.
BTW, I love this site!
Window with security bars? Closed-circuit camera? Exercise yard? Visiting hours? ID bracelets? If the room weren’t 650 square feet, I’d think it was a jail cell.
This sounds alarmingly like a jail cell/conditons.
Darn! I was goingto email and inquire! Oh, Vancouver.
Who on earth could fit that criteria? Or even want to live in a place like that? OMG!
I’m concerned with the camera in the “suite” is that cameral like viewing everywhere? Can Mr. Religious watch the dressing/undressing, showering situation? Maybe it’s just to make sure you don’t have any hidden immoral tattoos or something. Just curious.
I have a weird feeling that this is an effort to troll for responses so the poster can evangelize to about criminal behavior and the ways “coming to Christ” can keep one out of prison. Many of the items listed are specific to penal systems such as the ID bracelets, fines for contraband, searches of visitors vehicles, etc. Not to mention the timed on/off lights and whatnot. If its not prison-related then these people are serious freaks!
Puppet strings an extra $25.00 per arm. Chastity belt tampering fine $100.00 per infraction. When using coin operated laundry machines, please follow “literally in every way possible” Biblical guidelines for coin laundry.
Oh dear goodness. I live in Vancouver, where this is being advertised and unfortunately, this doesn’t seem TOO crazy to be real. I find it highly amusing that they claim to follow Biblical law and yet there is clearly no charity or compassion there AND I’m pretty sure that unannounced “visits” from a landlord are illegal. As a Christian, I know that it says in the Bible that you’re supposed to follow the laws of the land as well as the laws of God. So… wow this person (if legit) is a total jerk-store.
Yes, do unto others. If we are to take The Bible literally, then I, the tenant, can enter the Landlord’s domicile unanounced and check for contraband, lock his heat, and wake his sorry ass up at 5:30! That could be FUN. I’d say it takes all kinds, but I’m pretty sure the world could survive just find without THAT kind.
Yeah – they’re local! I have no idea why people from Vancouver post so many insane craiglist ads, but I’m damn grateful they do.
1) At first, I thought “Wow!” when I saw the monthly rent – that’s crazy low for this city. Now, I realize, that ironically this apartment with its many random “infraction” fines, is likely the most expensive in town.
2) Dear landlords – I choose an “alternate lifestyle” than you: sanity.
I think this might be a half way house???
Halfway? Halfway between where? Here and Hell or here and The Land of the Sane? Nah, not close enough to sanity – must be Hell.
Waitaminnit, waitaminnit, waitaminnit… your headlines, usually they’re the headlines the actual posters used? And so… this one is too? “All the tenants I interview aren’t good enough”? I thought at first that you had made that up to reflect the posting’s subtext. Please tell me you made it up.
Yep, that was the actual headline. The only changes I make to posts are to remove names, addresses, and/or phone numbers.
“Wow. Just … wow.” DITTO!
I thought this was a reasonable posting, until I got to the Heating: “Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month.”
and I guess the internet restrictions means that porn sites are blocked, won’t get too many guys interested 🙂
I’m not even gonna start on the prison cell conditions of the rest…
DEAR LORD
SAVE THE CHILDREN
*shakes head* *walks away*
Aside from all the other weirdness… no matches? So I guess candles are out of the question. They are clearly not Catholic.
I cannot believe that any one would think this is real. It is clearly a ridiculous, ficticious diatribe. It rather scares me that anyone would believe that this is genuine.
Has anyone heard of Poe’s Law? It says:
“Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing”
Yeah, because there really are people this crazy and stupid. It COULD definitely be real (but I do agree with the people cited in the article that Fred Phelps is just a troll, for whatever reason). It’s good to be skeptical, but it’s also good to know what you’re up against.
This is part of the law, too: “3. That anybody, not already in the grip of fundamentalist ideas, will mistake sincere expressions of fundamentalism for parody. ”
@wisefly — I’d like to think this is parody, and I’m still not convinced that it’s not, but according to people in this city, the ad has run in several increasingly specific incarnations.
Seriously – are all you people idiots? This is a fake post, and a pretty funny one at that. Maybe I should repeat that since you guys seem to be pretty slow – this post = not real = a joke.
Wow, how friendly. I love how you flatter all the people here. Why don’t you tell us your name?
Going by Anonymous puts me into mind of the infamous parts of 4chan. And the needlessly insulting nature of the post makes me think that they are definitely trolling. Or they have a serious case of Internet Douchebag Syndrome.
In any case, the best thing to do is ignore them and hope they go away.
One requirement is “You do not have any criminal history” so I suppose it is not a jail cell or half way house parody.
I’m interested in this apartment, I only have one question.
My skin gets extremely, painfully dry in the winter. I will pay extra, but would you be willing to lower a basket of lotion down to my apartment for me a few times a day?
hahahaha this totally cracked me up!! You’d have to make sure the little dog was allowed by the landlords though
Great googly moogly. I looked for the ad to see if I could find it, but I guess it’s down or I’m looking in the wrong place.
I wanted to respond with a hearty ‘Are you for *real*?!’
To those convinced it’s an obvious parody – what makes you so confident in your opinion?
It’s not a stretch for me to imagine people with such criteria – draconian though they assuredly are.
I could go either way on it. Part of me yearns to think this is a parody, but part of me *knows* there are people this extreme in their beliefs—and in their desire to impose (inflict?) them upon others.
I saw a bumper sticker once that said something like ‘Please, Jesus, save me from your followers!’
Is this a prison that is advertising?
Probably fake. Many of his conditions are probably illegal in Canada AFAIK. He can’t discriminate against homosexuals. He probably can’t have CCTV in the tenant’s suite (probably against privacy laws). The random inspections/searches are probably illegal too.
Here in the states, a Landlord must give 24 hours notice at a minimum to visit his renters. Any less is considered a blatant invasion of privacy. I certainly hope Canada has the same sort of provision.
It has been a long, long time since I have laughed riotously over anything. #27 made me laugh so hard I scared my cat and my husband. Dear Lord, that is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. P.S. Husband cracked up too.
Alcoholic Synonymous:
Glad I could be of service. 🙂
This sounds to me like it was posted by some ex-tenants about a former landlord. Some tenants who were treated in the manner described. It was almost plausible, until the ID bracelet and exercise yard parts. I’ve had landlords who’ve done extensive monitoring of my activities. Dropping in unexpectedly. They’d have installed CCTV if they could have afforded it. Living under those conditions might drive a person to post sarcastically on Craigslist!
Definitely a joke, folks. I agree with the posters who think this is revenge for some overly draconian (but probably not *this* draconian) landlord. The ID tags, visiting hours, and the way the zaniness of the post gets ramped up through the post makes it very likely that it’s a parody.
I suspect this is the Harbour Light Community Residential Facility (it’s a “halfway house” for released convicts on Parole) which is run by the Salvation Army.
Either that or a men’s shelter in the area that offers month-to-month room rentals. And yes, they ARE that strictly controlled! (although I DO think the ad was written in jest, is it plausible).
Anyone familiar with Landlord and Tenant Statutes in place in Vancouver would know that the ad is a parody.
Any landlord who tried to impose many of these conditions would immediately be in violation of the local laws and subject to horrendous fines.
In addition, since the ad clearly violates Human Rights protections against discrimination in housing, the landlord would also be subject to being brought before a Human Rights Commission if a complaint was filed by a prospective tenant who was denied the chance to live in the property because of an alternative lifestyle.
The ad is clearly a fake. The existing laws would make it impossible for the landlord to get away with imposing such conditions on a tenant.
IF, on the other hand, it is a true and genuine posting, the advertiser is
clearly ignorant of the law.
OMG. I am actually crying with laughter over this ad. Thank you!
This must be about prison. Lots of prisons make the inmates work in the prison and pay their way (pay their room, board, and sundries). I am surprised the author didn’t make it a slam dunk at the end and say the name of the jail or the prison as a warning to “stay on the straight and narrow or you *will be exactly the tenant we are looking for*”
Maybe its the only way they can find people worth of convertion. 😀
I imagine it is.
@drmk: fantastic blog, keeps me up and distracts me from work, so good job on that…I haven’t laughed so hard since the “moving to Alaska resume/job application…(70% fat diet…lmao)”
@ D/DM: best comment…ever
@notreal: I disagree with you. Just because it’s illegal/immoral/idiotic doesn’t mean it’s fake. There are a lot of crazies out there. But I do agree with you on the things you stated, which are the same in Ontario. In keeping with the theme of this blog, whose author would like to reply to certain ads just for the sake of more entertainment, I would love to sign the lease to the place and bring the cops and the courts down on the owners.
Example: In Ontario, if a lease agreement states that no pets are allowed, and the person leasing falsely states that they do not own a pet, or plan to bring one into the apartment, the landlord still cannot evict him/her, or make the person get rid of the pet.
So, there is no way the landlord could enforce these rules, no matter what you sign.
Still think it’s true.
(Sorry for the lengthy post.)
My friend in BC sent this to me and a bunch of other friends when it was still on CL. Apparently, people were (appropriately) flagging the ad for removal; my friend found the ad in the rants section, not even the apartment section. Apparently, the poster did not understand why his ad was being flagged because he had been very careful not to use discriminatory language (he pointed out that he wasn’t insisting that his tenant be Christian). Clearly, though, he’s never read the actual rules for renting apartments.
Also, I’m only familiar with the tenants’ rights laws in Massachusetts, but if BC has anything similar, I don’t think that everything about this ad was even LEGAL.
This sounds like such a steal. Where do I sign up?
But, what if I want the lights on past 11:30 p.m. to read the Bible? I wonder if that would be a moral dilemma for the landlord (a.k.a Big Brother)?
The best thing is that there was a follow up post to this a few months ago with the rent lowered to $200 and an included rant complaining about the difficulty they’ve had in finding a tenant.
I wish I knew about this website when I saw it.
I could see it being real, real scary that’s for sure. The thing that confused me the most is why the air conditioning is set at a warmer temperature than the heat is? Did I read that wrong?
I believe the temps are set to what degree they will turn on at. So, you might have the heat turn on when it gets to 50 degrees F, and the A/C turn on when it gets to 80 degrees F.
I read it wrong too apparently…
My mom didn’t tell me we were looking for a new tenant! After the last one strangled themselves with the cable cord after getting kicked out of the exercise yard for boisterous behavior. Oh and they tampered with their ID bracelet too. Mummy and Daddy get very upset when tenants don’t play by the rules.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this was real, seeing as how I got preached to the other day. The person said that God told them to come and talk to me, something about me seemed depressed, and asked if my ring had satanic connotations to it. (It has a star on it, which could be see as a pagan symbol.) Asked if I believed Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and that if I asked God, he would show me, without a doubt, that Jesus had. And then she said she would pray for me. This was at a skating rink, and I wonder if it was because I was wearing my George Carlin shirt that on the back it says “Jesus is coming, look busy.” Wanted to make sure I didn’t end up in Hell.
By the time I hit “Exercise yard,” they had fully described jail conditions. All we’re missing is the bright orange jumpsuit and the 4 hours of sleep.
Oh wait. there it is.
Wow- that is illegal in so many ways.
Unless Canadian landlord-tenant laws are written by bears. It’s safe to say , “no” to that since even the bears think the extra “u” is poofy.
I’d take my chances and use the oven for those extra few degrees of heat. A $50 fine could be cheaper than the $20 per degree route, trusting that the unannounced inspections were infrequent. Oh wait, there’s the small matter of the camera inside my “suite.” Guess I’ll just curl up next to the 25″ Zenith.
Damn! You get more freedom in a Supermax! At least you kind of get sex in a Supermax. Although whether its consensual or not is an issue.
Why is the AC hotter than the Heat? Or is there something I’m not getting…? Besides that, this sounds fantastic, I’m moving to Vancouver! (It even has a window!)
It seems like the home-schooled children with parents that remind me of the mother in “Carrie” have more freedom than the tenant would – and that’s saying a lot! I’m surprised one of the punishments isn’t going into their closet and begging for forgiveness.
I think it sounds more strict than prison
EXERCISE YARD:
I can’t bring my own clothes to the exercise yard?
I worked for someone like this at a church. Religious entities do not have to abide by the rules we have come to expect as “normal”. Not sure that extends to what someone does outside the confines of an organized religion, but it might explain why someone would think they could require such ridiculous conditions.