Whew! I was worried there for a second … I thought people might actually be posting stupid things on this website for real!
I’m so relieved to know that this is all just an elaborate ruse; that makes me feel better about humanity in general.
But if the website isn’t real, and these listings aren’t real, maybe it means I shouldn’t be making fun of them? Or does it mean that I’m also not real? Ow, my head hurts.
This was posted in “household services”. But clearly if it’s not real, it doesn’t matter what section it was posted in.
Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet – £1000000 (pacific coast)
-DA VINCI NIRVANA CABINET-(Leonardo da Vinci used pattern recognition to come up with new ideas. In, A Way of Stimulating and Arousing the Mind to Various Inventions, Leonardo advised himself and others to “look at a wall spotted with stains, or with a mixture of different kinds of stones; if you have to invent some scene, you may discover a similarity with different kinds of landscapes, embellished with mountains, rivers, rocks, trees, plains, wide valleys and hills in a varied arrangement: or, again, you may see battles and figures in action or strange faces and costumes, and an endless variety of objects which you could reduce to complete and well-drawn forms.” So pay attention to the master and see what is in this cabinet’s woodgrain.)
So you’ve seen the Da Vinci Code Miracle Door, the completely coincidental trinity of figures appearing in the woodgrain of my cabinet door. Now it’s time to see the rest of the story: The opposite door which makes up The Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet! So you’ve seen the door on the right with the Sign of the grail(a V) above the headless nude woman (the disempowered Magdalene)which has the shape of a fish (in some forms, the Christ sign)in what could be the sun (though dark). SO now to add another chapter to this story, the DOOR ON THE LEFT: The Da Vinci Nirvana Door. Now to look at this door we will rotate it so that the left side becomes the top. Now you can see if you’ll look closely, a rising out of the woodgrain on the right side ( above what looks a little like the start of a fleur-de-lis on it’s side) that becomes a round circle of lines radiating outward. From this the lines widen out and on the left side they take on the shape of a mushroom. This is important and what comes next is even more so. The next line breaks the mushroom mold and forms a nose over a neck and chin making a face looking upward to the heavens. YOW! Then in the next line radiating out from it, the face’s mouth is agape with awe and wonderment at what it has beheld and in the following lines the face is absorbed into the universe at one with everything. Knowing all things and making only those ripples in the ocean of creation that serves all and destroys only that which wants to be destroyed and be transformed because it is time. SO to sum up: The Da Vinci Nirvana Door shows us the start of an insular self-centered mushroom-like (kept in the dark and fed bullshit) existence perceiving that the heavens somehow revolve around it not aware of the careless ripples it makes in the ocean of the universe (with luck it’s universe will be small surrounded by other insular self-centered universes)And then it begins to realize BANG the universe does not revolve around it and ZOW it percieves a woodwork of thought, action, consequence and existence that inspires awe unlike any it had experienced before. And then KABLOOIE it becomes as one with the universe and it’s workings. There ya’ go, a whole ‘nother door to complete the Da Vinci Code Miracle Door/Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet Mega Coincidence, umm…Miracle? AND it’s still only a million dollars or best offer! Not for sale to people who want to use it to start a war or lord it over people for the sake of it. If you buy it and do these things or attempt to do these things, you must return the cabinet to me and no refund will be forthcoming to you and this is a rule of this sale. It is alright though to make peaceful wads of money to be used worhtwhiley off of it though, as long as all subsequent owners understand that Karma will (if not an actual agent of myself) have total and lawful contracted authority to wrest the cabinet away from whomever they are and bitch-slap them back into their mushroom phase of existence. Price : £1,000,000.00 or best offer.
Up until the point they specified that it wasn’t for sale to people who want to use it to start a war or lord it over other people, I was right there with them — if I had this, I would absolutely lord it over everyone else.
I’m also wondering what would happen if you got this piece of furniture too close to the flying chair.
This was posted in the London Craigslist. I didn’t realize England had a coastline on the Pacific. That must just be me, in my insular self-centered universe, not realizing that the ocean of creation has no physical boundaries and that the KABLOOIE can make the Pacific Ocean one with the England universe.
I think I’m going to have to start a new tag for this one — “trying too hard”. There’s clever, and then there’s trying too hard to be clever.
I am moving Oct. 21 into an apt. complex that does not allow animals. I need of a loving family for my adorable monkey. His name is Frankie…. Katie xxx-xxx-xxxx
Would you like to touch my monkey? Touch my monkey! Love him!
Poor Frankie the tiny monkey with photoshopped horns. Poor Katie with her moving and her phone number on the internet for lunatics to call. Too bad none of it’s true.
Apparently this genius believes that all you have to do is yell out the name of the thing you want and it will magically appear for you.
Let me try: Ewan McGregor!!!! Where are you, Ewan McGregor?
*looks around*
Damn.
Or maybe he’s misplaced his own hollow body electric, and he’s calling to it to get it to come home, like a lost puppy. If B.B. King was doing this, he’d be yelling out “Lucille!!!!”, but maybe this guy hasn’t gotten around to anthropomorphizing his guitar yet.
Anyway, let me try this misplaced-item theory: car keys!!!! Where are you, car keys?
*waits*
Nope. Damn.
Or maybe he’s searching for the Whitman poem, “I Sing the Body Electric“, and stating in his own postmodern way that he believes the poem to be hollow. The venerable expert on poetry, Sparknotes, states that in Whitman’s poem, “[t]he body becomes sacred through its linkage with the soul; while it is only the soul’s helper or accomplice, it nevertheless does not deserve second-rate status, for it enables not only spirituality but also poetry.” Clearly this poster believes that by calling the body electric hollow, he is pointing out that a lack of spirituality leaves one’s soul hollow, as it were.
*nods* That must be it. Thank you, oh wise sage. You have saved my Craigslist-embattled soul.
Until recently I had a cell phone that I just hated, I was contracted to it for 2 very long years, I had considered canceling the contract but the provider wanted an arm and a leg,so I just gritted my teeth and waited, finally the contract expired in August this year,I hated the phone so much that I would not give it to my worst enemy,I took the phone up to my local gun range, taped it to a bullseye target and put 6 x 22 rounds in it,took pics, then loaded my 12 gauge pump action shotgun and blew it away, there was nothing left to take pics of,Can you imagine just how good it felt,why not take your battery out,and post your phone or even laptop to me up here in Alaska,admittedly you cant shoot it your self, but you will have the satisfation of knowing your phone was uniquely disposed of never to be seen again,I can take pics and email them to you,you can choose which weapon I use,22,9mm,40cal,or 12 gauge pump,remember the 12 gauge usually leaves nothing left to see. Contact me for details.
This was posted in the London Craigslist, which explains the pounds sterling price, since that’s what they use in London, yanno, £30 is roughly equivalent to $51, just to give you an idea, of how much, it would cost, to have your cell phone, taped to a bullseye target, and shot, in Alaska, you betcha, although you’d have to pay shipping too, which, since you can see Russia from Alaska, can’t be cheap, you betcha, but why not send your cell phone or computer to this guy, and have him shoot things at it, and pretend that it’s cathartic, in some weird, passive-aggressive, way.
