You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: trying too hard

  • YSaC, Vol. 1651: Picc your poison.

    Just for fun, here’s something that definitely gets the “trying too hard” tag but doesn’t actually suck. Rather the opposite, really.

    4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo w/ hard case – $300

    They call the trumpet “God’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. I’m giving you the chance to own “Satan’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ball rolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone who’s a little too “rapey,” this miniature flute of terror will hold the game down. And how.

    Brought to you by Lucifer himself, this 4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo will serve his evil minion well. From it’s compact arthritis-inducing body this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring entire crowds of people to their knees in pain and surrender. If you’re thinking of starting a bloody coup, leave the AK-47s and sarin gas at home son, this picc is all you need.

    This instrument has the ability to sing an A five lines above the staff so crisp and clear that if you’re not careful may actually cleave your conductor’s brain clean in half. It’s highest note is one only dogs can hear, that composers have dubbed “X.”

    Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a field goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target’s neurons, resulting in synaptic misfires, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity, leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beezulbub’s piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.

    Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:
    – sudden unexpected nosebleeds
    – aphasia
    – heart palpitations
    – aneurisms
    – loss of sanity
    – unexplainable rage
    – spontaneous combustion
    – abandonment of the will to live
    – anal leakage

    It’s a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on it’s user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.

    Because of this instrument, I now rule over my own sovereign island, where I preach from balconies and lounge in my throne poppin’ bottles while getting fanned with palm fronds waved by ridiculously hot cabana boys. Tomorrow’s forecast: Whatever the hell I want.

    Since I’m livin’ the dream, I’m retiring from my reign of terror and passing on the torch. Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average whitebread vanilla villain. Only the most cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?

    $300 obo. Willing to throw in a box of gravel and ship.

    Fun fact: drmk owns her own piccolo, and knows how to use it. This ad is pretty much spot on.

    Thanks, Kaitlin! You’ve won the prize of drmk NOT serenading you on the piccolo. Enjoy!

  • YSaC, Vol. 452: No, really, that’s irritating. Stop it.

    possible crt monitor offer, or things

    “this monitor may have been bought in the second half of 2003, and may be an NEC Flat MultiSync 97F, maybe 19”, with a black case, or something like that
    it may be as though it was dropped more than once in the past, although it may have seemed to work fine afterwards, but it may not have the base, the thing that monitors rest on and swivel over
    there may have been a widening in the . maybe like seam in the case from how the monitor was originally made because of being dropped
    it may not be large, but one could notice it if one looked at it
    the structural integrity of the monitor has seemed to be fine since the last time it was dropped, it may be
    this may have been years ago
    the screen may ‘need’ to be cleaned, and there are some scratches on the plastic casing on the front of the monitor, and some maybe like small drop things of paint on the right side, it may be
    it may be as though it seemed to work fine the last time I used it
    may have been in the last month and a half or so
    it may be as though I would be willing to give this away, if someone wanted it, in a particular case
    I live not very far from downtown Pensacola, about 45 blocks from Palafox and Garden, it may be
    it may be as though I ‘could’ provide more information or provide pictures, possibly, if someone wanted
    it may be as though I would want to say something like pardon me if my way of writing will have caused undesirable things
    “, or other things

    It may be that you are not pardoned, as it may be that your pretension is annoying. I may have accidentally tripped and posted your ad on YSaC, and it may be that I’ve given you the tag trying too hard. See, because for all the may be‘s in there, the one thing you definitely did do is irritate me.

    I may wish to thank Amanda for this listing. Meanwhile, also in our linguistically irritating/trying too hard category:
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  • YSaC, Vol. 435: Taylor-made for your approval.

    Heavy Duty Cabinet/Shelf – $15

    I have here a nice heavy duty cabinet/shelf. I put towels on the top and bathroom stuff in the drawers. You can put anything on top and also anything in the drawers. Rather heavy and solid.

    Contact Taylor xxx-xxx-xxxx. Call or Text please. Best Regards.

    435

    Wait a minute, there, Taylor. Are you saying I can put towels in the drawers? Are you sure you want to go that far out on a limb? Do you have anything to back up this wild assertion? I mean, you only ever put towels on the top; are you sure that I can put the towels in the drawers? What if I went totally crazy and put bathroom stuff on the top at the same time? Would my recklessness with cotton balls cause a singularity? Because if so, I can find somewhere else for my Lush bath bombs, I think. This just doesn’t seem safe to me.

    Taylor appears to have some very definite ideas about how his/her furniture should be used. There’s a whole series of these posts in which we are instructed on the correct and alternate uses of furniture:

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  • YSaC, Vol. 357: No connection.

    Liz sends in some “Missed Connections” posts, with this explanation:

    “Okay, so there is this guy who ALWAYS posts Missed Connections on our local CL.  He always writes the same things, so we always know it’s him.  And now we also know that when a 37-year-old pops up on there, it’s most likely him.  Some of our favorite lines of his are: “You was pretty and sexy,” “I want to hook up with you,” “we made eye contact,’ and, our favorite, “hope the girl see this.”

    We (me and my co-workers) have been following this guy’s posts for about 3 months now.  Every time one pops up, he’s at a new location, and it’s always some sort of eatery. We just don’t understand how one guy can have soooo many missed connections in his lifetime, and it’s always when he’s at lunch or dinner! These are just three that he’s posted in the past month.”

    waitress at The Grill – m4w – 37

    Date: 2009-06-05, 10:40PM EDT
    was eating at the grill on June 4 around 7:30pm.the waitress was young and fine.she had long dark hair with black jeans on and white shirt.if you are the girl tell me what i was wearing or what i order to eat.we chat a little.really would love to hook up with the girl.hope the girl see this.the girl shirt was low cut and showing some clevage

    Why do I get the feeling that by “we chat a little” the guy means, “You asked me what I wanted to eat, brought me my food, asked if you could refill my Coke, and then brought me my check”? And that he thinks that means that they’re soulmates? Well, they were soulmates until a few weeks later, at least, when …

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  • YSaC, Vol. 341: Have you tried AFF? They suck too.

    Flying solo is not as much fun – w4w – 21

    Well, this’ll be my last post over here … I’m going to head to clerotic.org if it doesn’t work out.

    I am a 26 year old, single female looking for a friendship that might develop into something more. I am an elementary school teacher and I love children and hope to have some of my own one day. I am looking for a good man with good, Christian morals who would like to have a family and live happily ever after when he meets the right woman. Maybe we are right for each other. We will never know if we don’t take a chance.

    1. Are you 21, or 26?
    2. Headline says w4w, text says you’re looking for a man.
    3. A good Christian man with good morals.
    4. And if you can’t find him, you’re going to try posting on clerotic.org — the “Craigslist Alternative for Erotic Services”.

    That sounds like a great plan. I’m sure you’ll find a good Christian man with good morals with THIS ad … and if not, I’m sure clerotic.org will work out, since there’s only 482 ads in the section for your area, 480 of which are w4m. (The other 2 are m4m.)

    Do you think this might possibly — just maybe? — be a fake ad? (On CRAIGSLIST? Say it ain’t so!) I’m guessing it’s meant to drive traffic to clerotic.org … because, you know, that’s where all the good, moral, Christian elementary school teachers are hanging out these days.

    C’mon, guys. At least make it plausible. “I’m a hot, horny slut and if I can’t find anyone here I’m going to clerotic.org.” THAT’S plausible. (Well, as plausible as believing that a nubile hot young thing would be posting on Craigslist in order to hook up with someone, anyway.) “I’m a good Christian 2nd grade teacher and if this doesn’t work out I’m going to browse clerotic.org from the computer in the school library?” Not so much.

    Sigh. Do I need a tag for spambots, too?

    Thanks to Kiersten for the submission!

  • YSaC, Vol. 298: Mmmmm, raisins.

    Chef Brian says – m4w – 20

    It is a fairly common misconception that you cant make windows out of brick.
    Most people feel that brick is too soggy. And I can assure you, it is a shoe.
    Scientist have discovered that 9 out of 10 shoes are numb. This brings up a disturbing question.

    DOES COFFEE BLEED!?

    If infact it does then one most consider the possibility that all life is a giant cake mold.
    But instead of delicious gooey, cake batter we are filled with raisins.

    It’s too well-organized to be a spambot. I’m filing this one under “trying too hard” because it feels as though this person is attempting to be random and quirky. You can’t ATTEMPT to be random and quirky — you either are, or you aren’t. This person isn’t.

    [Edited to add: and, as it turns out, this person is plagiarizing from a webcomic. See link in comments!]

    Sent in by SD — thanks!