You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: unclear on the concept

  • YSaC, Vol. 475: No pants, no service.

    Gas station – m4w

    I should of came over and got your phone number. How about giving me another try? Could u tell me what gas station we where at 2 let me know it’s u?

    Hey, it’s me! Remember me? I was the guy with the car at the gas station. I was at the one pump, and you were at another one. Remember? I knew you would. I was wearing that shirt, and shoes. Oh yeah, and pants. Name’s Billy. I can’t wait to hear from you.

    And regular readers might recall the saga of 37, who appears to post creepy missed connection/stalkerish things about every woman he encounters during his day. Liz is kind enough to send us another episode:

    girl at Fatz – m4w – 37

    x/xx/09 i went to Fatz to eat lunch at 12:00.the host that seated me.sorry didn’t get you name or # or anything.she was very pretty and sexy and nice.really would like to get to know you more.next time you should take a break and join me.we made eye contact several times.she had on black shirt and pants.she had med lenght blondish brown hair.hope the girl see this.if you are the girltell me what i said to you or what i look like.far as that goes Fatz has all pretty and sexy women working there.if any of the girls works at Fatz see this and interested.please let me know.i’m just looking for a good girl.

    I want to meet this one girl specifically. Or any of the other girls there. Hope the girl see this. Or any girl. Any girl at all.

    Thanks for the submissions, April and Liz!

  • YSaC, Vol. 466: Seemed like a good idea at the time.

    lets smoke and see where it goes 420 – m4w – 26

    looking for a laid back chick to smoke with, im 26, white, 6 foot 3, good looking, and ready to get high and hang out with a cool chick. Im d and d free, you be too. Open to age and race and looking for tonight. open for pretty much anything, im an oral expert if it goes there, also good at giving messages. bbws and shaved a plus.
    466

    You’re d and d free, you say? I’m going to assume that means that you’ve never played Dungeons & Dragons, because otherwise you’re really unclear on what “d and d free” means.

    Oh sure, there’s the “marijuana isn’t really a drug” argument, which I’m sure this guy will be happy to make at great length until you distract him with a shiny object and a bag of Cheetos, but for all intents and purposes, “d and d” free implies something that the rest of this ad refutes rather overtly.

    But he’s good at giving messages. Can you take a message for yourself, dude? It’s from you in the future. That’s right, it’s a message from Future Sparky. Future Sparky would like to tell himself that it’s a bad idea to advertise marijuana on Craigslist. He would have told himself himself, but he’s doing six to ten and lost his internet privileges when he got into that fight with the guy named Bubba.

    The second part of the message is to avoid guys named Bubba.

    Thanks for the posting, Mark!

  • YSaC, Vol. 458: It’s too early in the year to make a “Sleigh Ride” joke.

    Does everybody have their solid-wall-of-capitalized-text glasses on? You do? Oh, good. You’re going to need them.

    SANTA SLEIGH LARGE WOODEN OUTDOOR DISPLAY – $195 (SALEM;OHIO)

    FORGET THE 1/4 INCH OR THE 1/2 INCH CHEAP MINIATURE PLYWOOD SLEIGHS THAT ONLY LAST A SEASON OR TWO!…OR THE CARDBOARD SLEIGHS THAT WARP AND BLOW DOWN .IVE GOT THE REAL DEAL THAT WILL LAST FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME!..THIS OUTDOOR SANTA SLEIGH IS CRAFTED AND BUILT BY MYSELF USING GOOD CLEAN BETTER GRADE 5/8 { NEARLY 3/4 INCH }SANDED PLYWOOD FROM HOME DEPOT…CHECK IT OUT!!…NO FILLER CRACKS ;HOLES;SPLINTS LIKE THE CHEAP GRADE..ALL NICE CLEAN SANDED WOOD READY TO BE PAINTED AND DECORATED TO YOUR CHOOSING AND DECOR…MEASURES 3 FEET HIGH; 4 FEET LONG AND 25 INCHES WIDE!…WILL HOLD CHILDREN AS WELL AS ADULTS FOR PHOTOS!..WONDERFUL FOR CHRISTMAS EVENTS ;WILL HOLD GIFTS AND PERFECT FOR PHOTO TAKING WITH KIDS…ALL ASSEMBLED USING 1/4 INCH BOLTS ;NUTS AND WASHERS FOR STRENGTH AND DURABILITY..AS WELL AS CAN BE EASILY DISSASEMBLED FOR STORAGE . WILL HANG ON GARAGE WALL..ALSO HEAVY ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND NORMAL WINDS AND NOT TOPPLE OVER LIKE THE STORE BOUGHT LIGHT WEIGHT ONES.{ 30+ POUNDS} ..AND JUST AS EASY TO REASSEMBLE YEAR AFTER YEAR..BUILT TO LAST!!..JUST GIVE IT A GOOD COAT OF PAINT AND THE 16 BOLTS KEEP IT TIGHT TO PREVENT WARPING FROM WINTER WEATHER!..TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….HERES A SPECIAL NOTE!!….BUYING THIS COULD BE YOUR PATTERN TO GET STARTED MAKING AND SELLING IT IN YOUR AREA!…ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…IF YOU LIKE WOOD WORKING YOU WILL MAKE BIG PROFIT!!…SOOOOO.!!. SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS WITH THIS DISPLAY PIECE THIS CHRISTMAS AND GET STARTED TAKING ORDERS FOR NEXT YEAR IN A BIG WAY!!…….THANKS..

    Since nobody in their right mind can possibly make it through all of that, please allow me to highlight some of the more … interesting things about this ad.

    TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….

    That’s right, it’s “pick up only” because it’s too heavy to ship … so he’ll adjust the shipping cost down to reflect the actual shipping cost when he ships it to you UPS. After you win your bid on Craigslist, of course.

    ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…

    Other than the other 1,000 of these he’s made (and the others made by the people who bought them and then started tracing them so that they could start selling them as well), this is the only one of its kind anywhere!

    The only way this thing is going to SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS is if the neighborhood kids pile up the fake roof reindeer underneath it and set the whole tacky mess on fire.

    So if you’re one of those people who insist on competing in the Cavalcade of Crappy Christmas Decorations each year, this sleigh is for you. And as an added bonus — it’s sturdy enough to support you when you pass out in it after your annual eggnog bender at the Elks Lodge.

    Thanks for the ad, Heather!

  • YSaC, Vol. 438: The daring young man on the …

    It’s been a while since we had a nice French Prudential piece, hasn’t it?

    French Pervential – $3200

    French Pervential 3 pice sofa Loveseat And arm chair Two End Tables One coffe table Very Clean Excelent Condition Like New $3200 O.B.O For more info call at xxx-xxx-xxxx ask for bob

    Somehow I always pictured pervential furniture as involving a lot more black leather and eyebolts. I don’t even see any trapezes. I’m so disappointed.

    cought &chair – $500

    1960es french proncial chought &chair good shape

    Just couldn’t even be bothered, could you? It’s barely worth getting out of bed in the morning for a measly $500 anymore, I’m sure — why should you make all the effort to spell out the word “Provincial” or come anywhere near approximating the word couch?

    Just out of curiosity, I checked. There are 211 words ending with -ght in the English language. As far as I can tell, not a single one of them is pronounced with the same ending sound as the word couch. In related news, it’s official — the internet is completely full. If there’s a site listing the 211 words that end in -ght, there’s nothing more to be done.

    Thanks to jentherose and Diana from Vancouver for the submissions!

  • YSaC, Vol. 435: Taylor-made for your approval.

    Heavy Duty Cabinet/Shelf – $15

    I have here a nice heavy duty cabinet/shelf. I put towels on the top and bathroom stuff in the drawers. You can put anything on top and also anything in the drawers. Rather heavy and solid.

    Contact Taylor xxx-xxx-xxxx. Call or Text please. Best Regards.

    435

    Wait a minute, there, Taylor. Are you saying I can put towels in the drawers? Are you sure you want to go that far out on a limb? Do you have anything to back up this wild assertion? I mean, you only ever put towels on the top; are you sure that I can put the towels in the drawers? What if I went totally crazy and put bathroom stuff on the top at the same time? Would my recklessness with cotton balls cause a singularity? Because if so, I can find somewhere else for my Lush bath bombs, I think. This just doesn’t seem safe to me.

    Taylor appears to have some very definite ideas about how his/her furniture should be used. There’s a whole series of these posts in which we are instructed on the correct and alternate uses of furniture:

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 423: The dishwasher hates children, though.

    ONE OF A KIND WHITE FRIDGE TOP AND BOTTOM ONLY – $250

    THIS REFRGERATOR IS EMMACUANT AND VERY FAMILY FRIENDLY. THIS FRIDGE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME. I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS ALL HOUGH THE BEST THING ABOUT IT IS THAT IF YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE FRIDGE PART WITHIN 10-15 MINUTES ITS COLD. I HATE TO GIVE IT UP BUT I AM MOVING AND NEW PLACE ALREADY HAS FRIDGE. IF INTERESTED PLEASE EMAIL AT
    STEPHEYxxxx@YAHOO.COM

    HAVE TO PICK UP

    423

    Tonya sends in this ad, saying, “Okay … first of all it’s “one of a kind” — umm … it’s a fridge. I don’t have to go into the all caps section of our program, but I do have to mention this line: ‘ALL HOUGH THE BEST THING ABOUT IT IS THAT IF YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE FRIDGE PART WITHIN 10-15 MINUTES ITS COLD.’ In a fridge!? NO WAY! That’s just amazing.”

    The thing that makes this fridge a one of a kind is clearly that you only get the top and bottom of it. There’s no middle to the fridge. Think about it: is there a middle of the fridge in that picture? See? Q.E.D., bitches.

    I’ve known people to get oddly attached to some pretty strange things, but this person sounds a little too fond of her fridge. The fridge has been good to you? She’s one step away from insisting that it go to a good home and calling the sales price a rehoming fee and requesting visitation rights.

    Thanks, Tonya!