You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: euphemisms

  • YSaC, Vol. 1742: Two out of seven’s not bad.

    [Warning: if you are easily offended, you’re on the wrong website AND you might not want to read the post below.]

    Free frig

    I’m giving my frig away. It’s really the only frig I’ve ever given. If you’d like to frig, its free to pick up, outside of [location]. Please, come get it, its the only frig I have

    I’m not really looking for a frig right now. I’ve been looking for a damn for a while, but nobody ever seems to have those to give away. Or a shit. I’d settle for a crap, but even those don’t get given very often. There’s lots of fucks out there though, and unlike shits and craps, nobody ever seems to take those.

    I’ll show myself to the corner.

    Thanks, Ralph!

  • YSaC, Vol. 450: Hurr, hurr, you said “injector”.

    Free porno – mags and videos

    Moving in with my girlfriend. Got about 30 mags and 15 videos I need to get rid of. Hit me up if you’re interested. If I don’t pick up, leave a message and I will get back to you. And please do me a favor- In case I’m with my girlfriend when I pick up, say something like I’m calling about the ad for the valve injector for a 94 Chevy Blazer. I will know what you mean. And this will sound legit because I’m in the process of selling that part.

    -Ben
    xxx-xxx-xxxx

    Violet submitted this ad, with the following comments:

    “I feel like this posting really raises some tough questions. Like when he requests interested parties to “say something like I’m calling about the ad for the valve injector for a 94 Chevy Blazer,” what does he mean, something like that? What’s like that?”

    “And if, as he helpfully points out, he really is selling that part, how will he know whether the person is calling about the porn or the valve injector? He’s going to have to ask some awkward follow-up questions that will be much more audible to his girlfriend than someone on the other end of the line and/or end up with an exasperated would-be masturbator who just wanted some fresh material and didn’t expect this kind of hassle or, more disturbingly still, some guy showing up to pick up his valve injector and being presented with a big box of porn. One thing, however, is not in question: these two kids are totally gonna make it.”

  • YSaC, Vol. 394: That would go under ‘Special Skills’.

    HELP Need HR Prof Consult to update resume = $75?

    Seeking a ‘quick’ consult with an experienced “Human- Resource- Group” professional.
    Concerns ‘possible’ risks of submitting resume when could ‘likely’(?) be vetted with a ‘significant’ blot in the public records.

    Let’s say, ‘hypothetically’, that I accidentally ‘killed’ a guy while I was in ‘prison’ for child ‘pornography’. Is that something I should mention in my cover letter, or do I wait for the interview?

    Thanks for the submission, Aubrey!

  • YSaC, Vol. 334: I don’t even wanna know.

    Smooth or Chunky – m4w – 25

    Looking for an attractive female to pose nude or partially nude for amateur art. I am not creepy. I will pay you in peanut butter.

    I know this is a euphemism for something, but I really, really don’t want to know what.

    What’s the current exchange rate for US $ to peanut butter? You mention both the smooth and chunky options in the headline — is the exchange rate different depending on whether the peanut butter is chunky or creamy? Reduced fat? Organic? What if the model has a horrible allergy to peanut butter — what alternate currency are you prepared to offer? The pinto bean market is way down these days, so no self-respecting model would work for that. Have you considered all that bananas have to offer as a currency? I mean, they come in bunches, so they’re easy to transport and count. And they come in their own convenient carrying case.

    Thank goodness he’s not creepy, though, because that would just be weird.

    Thanks (I think) for the submission, Ellen!

  • YSaC, Vol. 293: Kids would ask for it by name if they knew what the hell it was.

    This one was in the European Craigslist, but is just as inexplicable as the posts in the US:

    Velvet Ovlatine – EUR22 (SG)

    Hand make version of this velvet drink, ready for the ripe drinking. I got the powder, just need to milk to mix with it.

    Anyone in the area that wants to share the mix, please reply. Oh and I think we could use a harpoon to help mix it.
    Remember – english is my 2nd language – beauty marks, and moles come first.

    All trades plus shipping and handling. BYOB.
    293

    I think I speak for many, many people when I say, “… what?”

    Lotte sends this one in, saying, “I’m not even sure if this is a really subtle ad for some casual encounter of some sorts. The Ovaltine is hand-made, and it also says: I got the powder, just need TO milk to mix with it. Milking what, I just shudder to think really. Not to mention the harpoon reference. Plus a reference to beauty marks and moles AND the fact that the ad was placed under ‘barter’. Maybe Ovlatine is a whole other thing than Ovaltine. You know what I mean? *nudge nudge* *wink wink*….Now I feel sick.”

  • YSaC, Vol. 292: It doesn’t stop everyone else!

    $250 i need a room (agri center)

    seeking a room around $250/month near Agricenter. i guess i wouldn’t want to say more than that or, craigslist informs, one will be legally persecuted, lose their job, and be fined 10,000 dollars. yet, maybe i am doomed by saying that i am “seeking” a room, or that it is “$250”, or that it is “near Agricenter”. i can but pray that the FBI doesn’t pick up on this one.

    Here’s craigslist’s policy on discriminatory preference in a housing post — this is what you see when you begin to create a housing wanted or housing available posting:

    Stating a discriminatory preference in a housing post is illegal, is prohibited on craigslist, and can be expensive:

    • you can be fined more than $10,000 for each discriminatory ad, plus damages in court, plus loss of license if you are a professional
    • avoid phrases which could be interpreted as discriminating by race/color/origin (e.g. ‘hispanic area‘), religion (e.g. ‘christian home‘), age / familial status (e.g. ‘no kids‘), disability, or sexual orientation
    • the words you choose can cost you – get the facts and avoid being prosecuted under fair housing law

    This one makes me wonder if “seeking a room” is a euphemism for “I won’t live with minorities or homosexuals” and “near Agricenter” means “I’ll only live in a white neighborhood”. The fact that he has to bring up the policy says to me that he does have some preferences but doesn’t feel as though he can list them for fear of being ‘persecuted’.

    Otherwise, it just seems like this guy is either a smartass or a little too paranoid.

    Thanks, Lesley!