You Suck at Craigslist

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  • YSaC, Vol. 445: Someone to sit over me …

    someone to sit on me for four hours

    Date: 2009-09-05, 6:31PM

    NEED A GUY TO SIT ON MY BACK FOR FOUR HOURS A WEEK FOR 20 DOLLARS AND HOUR ,HAS TO BE IN GOOD SHAPE, CAN NOT WEIGH MORE THAT 170 , THE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT I HAVE A BAD BACK AND THE PRESSURE HELPS ME RELIEVE THE PAIN NO BULL SHIT HERE , YOU COULD WATCH TV OR USE THE COMPUTER WHILE DOING THIS , PLEASE REPLY BY EMAIL xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@YAHOO,COM

    thebean122 sent this in a while back. I thought, “Hmmm, that’s a little weird, but some people enjoy having their backs walked on, so maybe it’s not totally nuts,” and put it in the “probably not crazy” folder.

    Then Jami(no”e”) found this ad (separately) and sent it in.

    Need someone to sit on lap

    Date: 2009-09-22, 5:45AM EDT

    I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , just want to let you know that I am not gay or anything like that , just need the weight of you leaning on me , that is all, and sitting on me helps , trust me this is not what I wanted but it helps, thank you

    Despite the fact that yours truly has the memory of a steel colander, I remembered the initial ad. Yup, same town. Same comma style. But, it’s moved from someone sitting on his back for 4 hours a week for $20/hr to sitting on his LAP for 4 hours twice a week for $10/hr. And of course it has to be a male, because males are stronger at sitting on laps. That makes perfect sense. Women make terrible lap-sitters; everybody knows that.

    Maybe it’s just me, but my fetish-o-meter is going off. Look, dude, it’s fine with me if you want people to sit on you. It’s even fine with me if you want to PAY people to sit on you. Just be honest about why, okay? Oh, right, and be consistent when you post your searches on Craigslist, because some people have good memories.

  • YSaC, Vol. 444: Why don’t you come with me, little girl …

    Dryer ride – strange request – 55

    I know this sounds like a strange request but I am looking for someone who owns a laundromat or works at a hotel and has access to a large commercial size clothes dryer. I am looking to take a ride inside the dryer. I am looking to spin inside the dryer for one minute. I used to do this in my younger years and I enjoyed it.

    I am 55 and heavy set and as such am looking for a commercial size dryer.

    If you have access to a dryer and interested let me know. I will gladly make it worth your time.

    You know, the tag says it all on this one. I can’t help but imagine that this guy has the worst possible version of the Bad Idea Bears from Avenue Q in his head.

    BIB: “You should get into that microwave. It’s nice and warm in there!”

    Guy: “I’m not getting into the microwave. It’s small, and sticky, and I could die.”

    BIB: “That makes us saaaaaaad.”

    Guy: “Well, okay, maybe I’ll just get in for a minute.”

    BIB: “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” *beep beep beep START*

    Thanks for the submission, Carli!

  • YSaC, Vol. 439: Message in a … mason jar.

    THE PERFECT GIFT! NITA PEETA’S SWEET POTATO POTS! GROWN IN HER KITCHEN – $30

    This would be great as a gift and is grown from Grandy Nita’s own kitchen and put in a pot with a prayer for you and you can add your own destiny message. This is beautiful when it goes into full bloom and only takes about 3 weeks to start looking pretty. It comes with a message from the universe to you or your favorite friend!!!! Will deliver locally for 10.00
    Please Call
    Nita (Grandy)
    xxx xxx-xxxx

    439439b439c439d

    Um, it’s a potato. In a pot. I’m pretty sure you’ve given away your trade secret here, Nita.

    Although you do get a message from the universe with each one. Too bad the message from the universe is probably something like, “Hey jackass, you just bought a potato in a pot.”

    Thanks to MsMarvel for the submission!

  • YSaC, Vol. 438: The daring young man on the …

    It’s been a while since we had a nice French Prudential piece, hasn’t it?

    French Pervential – $3200

    French Pervential 3 pice sofa Loveseat And arm chair Two End Tables One coffe table Very Clean Excelent Condition Like New $3200 O.B.O For more info call at xxx-xxx-xxxx ask for bob

    Somehow I always pictured pervential furniture as involving a lot more black leather and eyebolts. I don’t even see any trapezes. I’m so disappointed.

    cought &chair – $500

    1960es french proncial chought &chair good shape

    Just couldn’t even be bothered, could you? It’s barely worth getting out of bed in the morning for a measly $500 anymore, I’m sure — why should you make all the effort to spell out the word “Provincial” or come anywhere near approximating the word couch?

    Just out of curiosity, I checked. There are 211 words ending with -ght in the English language. As far as I can tell, not a single one of them is pronounced with the same ending sound as the word couch. In related news, it’s official — the internet is completely full. If there’s a site listing the 211 words that end in -ght, there’s nothing more to be done.

    Thanks to jentherose and Diana from Vancouver for the submissions!

  • YSaC, Vol. 436: In every dream home, a nightmare.

    doll house – $50

    this house is in great shape thers carpet in the house very great shape name katrina email me

    Is it my imagination, or does this dollhouse look like it’s a foreclosure that’s been tagged by gangs — albeit, gangs of three-year-olds with crayons, but still?

    I half-expect to see that the copper wiring has been pulled out of the walls. Speaking of which, aren’t dollhouses usually only missing the back wall? This one seems to be standing up on the strength of the crayon wax alone.

    I’m reasonably certain that it’s infested with dollhouse-sized roaches and rats. (You can get those at the better dollhouse supply stores.)

    I’m guessing that this person’s definition of “very great shape” and mine have a few fundamentally irreconcilable differences. There’s certainly a difference in our definition of carpet, anyway.

    Thanks for the submission, Natalie!

  • YSaC, Vol. 435: Taylor-made for your approval.

    Heavy Duty Cabinet/Shelf – $15

    I have here a nice heavy duty cabinet/shelf. I put towels on the top and bathroom stuff in the drawers. You can put anything on top and also anything in the drawers. Rather heavy and solid.

    Contact Taylor xxx-xxx-xxxx. Call or Text please. Best Regards.

    435

    Wait a minute, there, Taylor. Are you saying I can put towels in the drawers? Are you sure you want to go that far out on a limb? Do you have anything to back up this wild assertion? I mean, you only ever put towels on the top; are you sure that I can put the towels in the drawers? What if I went totally crazy and put bathroom stuff on the top at the same time? Would my recklessness with cotton balls cause a singularity? Because if so, I can find somewhere else for my Lush bath bombs, I think. This just doesn’t seem safe to me.

    Taylor appears to have some very definite ideas about how his/her furniture should be used. There’s a whole series of these posts in which we are instructed on the correct and alternate uses of furniture:

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