You Suck at Craigslist

Blog

  • YSaC, Vol. 462: Next on HGTV — When Decorators Attack!

    wanted-HOME DECORE

    HELLO CRAIGSLIST! HOPE EVERYONE OS DOING WONDERFUL. I HAVE A HUGE REQUEST HERE. MY HOUSE RECENTLY GOT BROKEN INTO AND I AM AHVING TO REPLACE EVERYTHING.. EVEN DOW TO THE FOOD IN MY FRIDGE( LOL) I WAS WONDERING IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING OF THE RUSTIC NATURE,COWBOY,WESTERN THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO PART WITH. DECORE.BLANKETS, HORSESHOES, JOHN DEERE. I AM A JOHN DEERE FANATIC AND OVER 3000 OF MY JD STUFF ALONE WAS TAKEN. ANYTHING WILL BE ACCEPTED.. MY HOME FEELS LIKE A NAKED HOTEL ROOM… TY IN ADVANCE

    This doesn’t sound like a burglary to me so much as it sounds like an interior decorator’s intervention.

    But you know, I know where he could find a rustic statue of a … Texas. That’s rustic, right? Or maybe a raccoon with a gun?

    Thanks to pointyjess for the listing!

  • YSaC, Vol. 461: I think we’re going to need a bigger condom.

    I am hardier(in the sea looking for sharks) – m4w

    My condom is big.Please come.Why i invites you.Come over and we can watch good things.I like good movies only.No bad movie.I have titanics and Godfathers.

    Regular readers of this blog may recall that I haven’t seen Titanic. Nonetheless, I don’t remember there being sharks in the movie; if there had been, I might have actually gone to see it.

    Rose: Oh, Jack, I’ll never let you go.

    *shark jumps out of the water, eats Jack*

    Rose: Oh, Jack!

    Shark: Nom nom nom.

    And let’s be honest here: if you’re using the plural version of Godfather, then you’re including Godfather Part III — which means Sofia Coppola. I think the term “good” is up for debate here. It’s certainly better than, say, Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous (I herald that movie as one of the signs of the impending apocalypse), but good?

    Although he’s using the plural version of Titanic as well, so maybe he’s including The Poseidon Adventure … although watching an aquatic Shelley Winters might not set the right mood.

    Looks like we found someone who can help out this guy, though.

    Anyway, I can’t remember who sent me this one — I apologize!

  • YSaC, Vol. 460: This messed with Texas.

    Custom bull bike

    This one of a kind work of art took over 100 hours. The Texas base is all hand carved, 24ct gold on motor, has won several awards at ceramic shows. Asking $3,500.00 make reasonable offer

    460

    I’ve had this in my queue forever, because it’s … well, because it’s that. But I just can’t spin a creative story about what would prompt someone to make something like … well, like that. A ceramic bull with horns that look as though they were made from a limb from a Barbie doll, on a motorcycle, on top of a skull, on top of a handcarved Texas, on top of a mirror on top of wood. It’s a feng shui nightmare. All I know is that when this bullcycle reanimates, and those wooden legs start walking stiffly off the mirror, carrying this monstrosity around looking for its creator to exact its revenge, I don’t want to be anywhere near it.

    Thanks, Blake!

  • YSaC, Vol. 459: When the moon hits your eye …

    Words borrowed from other languages can be confusing, y’all. I mean, they don’t sound like they look — or is that they don’t look like they sound?

    Take armoire, for example. Oh, it looks so innocent just sitting there, but don’t let it fool you. It is an evil, evil word. Witness the mayhem it causes on Craigslist — and these are just from the titles of posts!

    Armor
    Amour – $250
    ARMORIES – $500
    2 Amoure, excellent condition (thats’s storage things for guys) – $40
    1950’s antique mirrored amoir – $100
    Entertainment Center/Armwour
    NICE ARMOUR AND DRESSER
    TV Armwaure – $50
    Armory and Piers
    Aromora and Chest of Drawes : Must Go – $10
    Armwor – $500

    (later misspelled again as “aourmor”)

    These listings are courtesy of Jenny, Dani, Sara, Ciera, Cynzano, Ethan, hdickie, Chelsea, KCBlueGal, Steve, and dakota.

    And then there’s Jess, the patron saint of armoire misspellings, who submitted these armoronic treasures:

    Mahogany Amoire
    TV armiore/entertainment center
    Armoir – TV Entertainment Center – $125
    Mirror Armore for sale – $150
    Armoure with drawers and hanging rack
    Pier 1 Imports Amore’ – $250
    Cabinet Admoir closet – $225

    I think my favorites are the armwaure (just keep adding letters, you’ll get there eventually!) and Amore’. (It’s foreign, it must require an accent, right? But don’t bother figuring out how to actually make an accent, just use an apostrophe.)

    I also like the condescending yet misspelled and ungrammatical “thats’s storage thing for guys” — I’m unclear on whether this person thinks that only males may use an armoire, or whether they think that guys are too uncultured to know what an armoire is. Dan thinks that it means that that’s where one stores one’s guys … um, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean out my armoire before Dan looks in there.

  • YSaC, Vol. 458: It’s too early in the year to make a “Sleigh Ride” joke.

    Does everybody have their solid-wall-of-capitalized-text glasses on? You do? Oh, good. You’re going to need them.

    SANTA SLEIGH LARGE WOODEN OUTDOOR DISPLAY – $195 (SALEM;OHIO)

    FORGET THE 1/4 INCH OR THE 1/2 INCH CHEAP MINIATURE PLYWOOD SLEIGHS THAT ONLY LAST A SEASON OR TWO!…OR THE CARDBOARD SLEIGHS THAT WARP AND BLOW DOWN .IVE GOT THE REAL DEAL THAT WILL LAST FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME!..THIS OUTDOOR SANTA SLEIGH IS CRAFTED AND BUILT BY MYSELF USING GOOD CLEAN BETTER GRADE 5/8 { NEARLY 3/4 INCH }SANDED PLYWOOD FROM HOME DEPOT…CHECK IT OUT!!…NO FILLER CRACKS ;HOLES;SPLINTS LIKE THE CHEAP GRADE..ALL NICE CLEAN SANDED WOOD READY TO BE PAINTED AND DECORATED TO YOUR CHOOSING AND DECOR…MEASURES 3 FEET HIGH; 4 FEET LONG AND 25 INCHES WIDE!…WILL HOLD CHILDREN AS WELL AS ADULTS FOR PHOTOS!..WONDERFUL FOR CHRISTMAS EVENTS ;WILL HOLD GIFTS AND PERFECT FOR PHOTO TAKING WITH KIDS…ALL ASSEMBLED USING 1/4 INCH BOLTS ;NUTS AND WASHERS FOR STRENGTH AND DURABILITY..AS WELL AS CAN BE EASILY DISSASEMBLED FOR STORAGE . WILL HANG ON GARAGE WALL..ALSO HEAVY ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND NORMAL WINDS AND NOT TOPPLE OVER LIKE THE STORE BOUGHT LIGHT WEIGHT ONES.{ 30+ POUNDS} ..AND JUST AS EASY TO REASSEMBLE YEAR AFTER YEAR..BUILT TO LAST!!..JUST GIVE IT A GOOD COAT OF PAINT AND THE 16 BOLTS KEEP IT TIGHT TO PREVENT WARPING FROM WINTER WEATHER!..TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….HERES A SPECIAL NOTE!!….BUYING THIS COULD BE YOUR PATTERN TO GET STARTED MAKING AND SELLING IT IN YOUR AREA!…ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…IF YOU LIKE WOOD WORKING YOU WILL MAKE BIG PROFIT!!…SOOOOO.!!. SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS WITH THIS DISPLAY PIECE THIS CHRISTMAS AND GET STARTED TAKING ORDERS FOR NEXT YEAR IN A BIG WAY!!…….THANKS..

    Since nobody in their right mind can possibly make it through all of that, please allow me to highlight some of the more … interesting things about this ad.

    TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….

    That’s right, it’s “pick up only” because it’s too heavy to ship … so he’ll adjust the shipping cost down to reflect the actual shipping cost when he ships it to you UPS. After you win your bid on Craigslist, of course.

    ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…

    Other than the other 1,000 of these he’s made (and the others made by the people who bought them and then started tracing them so that they could start selling them as well), this is the only one of its kind anywhere!

    The only way this thing is going to SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS is if the neighborhood kids pile up the fake roof reindeer underneath it and set the whole tacky mess on fire.

    So if you’re one of those people who insist on competing in the Cavalcade of Crappy Christmas Decorations each year, this sleigh is for you. And as an added bonus — it’s sturdy enough to support you when you pass out in it after your annual eggnog bender at the Elks Lodge.

    Thanks for the ad, Heather!

  • YSaC, Vol. 454: Can I leave my asschapeau on?

    AFRICAN FISH – 50 (DREXEL HIL)

    Goood mourning –
    I am seeking an angle to come to my house and bring me two 20 oz wawa coffees with cream and NO sugar. Any apple fritters would be a big plus. A slow soft wet and deep blow job after the coffe followed by spooning untill we both fall asleep would be the perfict ending to our first meeting. Open to long term comitment with right lsdy, but you must have increadable tits to hold on to and a great big ass to use for my pillow. Sound nice? Hit me back with your stats and a pic and tell me how long it will take you to get here, and this may be your dream date come true. Please noone over 5’4″ and keep your wig on.
    Bob

    Andrew sent this ad in with the following commentary/translation:

    “I found this little gem whilst trying to cheer myself up a bit this morning — juxtaposing why I’m single to people who actually deserve to be so.”

    “Our friend Bob here appears to be an diabetic ichthyologist from the Sudan, recovering from the death of a loved one. He apparently needs some coffee, some apple fritters, and oral release to complete his magnum opus on the psychosocial dynamics of the koi pond in his condo in DREXEL HIL(L). Pity, really — the editors at Nature have been calling him for weeks. Do you know an angle with increadable tits for him? The world of science rests on your shoulders. Perfict, thanks. Remember your wig.”

    Andrew, there isn’t a single thing I can add to this, except … how on earth does reading something like this make you feel better about being single? Anyway, I just want you to know that the application of the “still single?” tag is on Bob’s behalf, not yours.

    Edited to add: Apparently this showed up on Date Wrecks a couple of days ago, also submitted by Andrew. Jami, we need to coordinate these things!