You Suck at Craigslist

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  • YSaC, Vol. 253: Well, that’s a shock.

    Green Microfiber Sofa – $200

    Paid over $2400 new, but then my precious dog had an accident with the arm rest. Easy fix!
    $200 firm, no delivery

    248

    Don’t you hate it when your dog accidentally shreds the armrest of your couch? I mean, there he goes about his doggy day, doing his doggy thing, and then all of a sudden, he trips and completely shreds the upholstery.

    Luckily it’s an easy fix that just involves reupholstering the entire couch.

    I hope the dog doesn’t “accidentally” shred the electrical cords that the owners have so thoughtfully left out and exposed right near the dog bed. I mean, it’s not like the dog has ever chewed on anything before, right?

  • YSaC, Vol. 252: Iw4mW,B V: I think she’s on the way to the second circle, too.

    This Friday installment of w4m week is brought to you in conjunction with the lovely and talented Date Wrecks, who has been very patient with me for infringing on her territory all week long. Thanks, Jami!

    Sugar Lips Sharon Wants YOU!!!! – 39

    Easy going, loving, blonde bomb shell. Loves to give and recieve 😉 anything goes with this wild child. Lick in the front poke her in the back is my life motto. Also for the guys with wifes and girlfriends just remember EATING AIN’T CHEATIN!
    Send me an email if you are interested. Looking to do something soon!

    Let me count the ways in which I am appalled and horrified by this.

    1. You have two pictures of yourself on the toilet, and one picture of your ass. None of them are particularly attractive pictures of you, you realize, although I’m taking some comfort in the fact that you know to wash your hands.
    2. You can’t get the “liquor in the front, poker in the rear” saying correct, even though it’s your “life motto”. You know, some people have mottos like “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing” (Helen Keller). Just saying.
    3. Seriously, honey, if you’re going to use cheesy phrases to illustrate how slutty you are, at least get one of them right. Either include both ‘g’s or drop both: “eating ain’t cheating” OR “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’. Pick one.
    4. You are not only wearing, but prominently displaying, a religious icon. Now, I’m not particularly religious, but isn’t one of the primary tenets of the religion that icon symbolizes something like “thou shalt not propose oral sex upon married men with a vulgar rhyme”?

    It’s official: humanity is doomed. The first sign of the impending cultural apocalypse was Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous, followed closely by the indisputable second sign, Beverly Hills Chihuahua. [Warning: one of those links contains sound and video. Your guess as to which!] This Craigslist ad is surely the third sign.

  • YSaC, Vol. 251: Iw4mW,B IV: Pick one extreme, plz. Kthx.

    Wheres my bed buddy at? – w4m – 21

    It’s amazing how much thought i’ve put into this little post, so here goes.

    You’re right … it’s astounding. It’s almost as though you’ve thought about it at all.

    On the other extreme, there’s this, sent in by Kati:

    Cowboy Take Me Away… far away – 21 (Here)

    hmmm… Well, my dream man is:

    at least 6′ tall, not fat but not anorexic either (preferably semi-muscular), drives a truck (preferably a chevy).. if it’s not a chevy, it’s ok.. but I will make fun of you everyday, especially if you ever have the misfortune of breaking down. country music is a must (at least half the time). you don’t have to own a gun, but be able to shoot one. –not an alcoholic– DOESN’T OWN ANY PINK SHIRTS —THIS IS A DEALBREAKER!!! I WILL BURN IT. please at least believe in God. i won’t have you talkin trash about every country song that uses God’s name when I’m listening to it. (i don’t go to church a lot either) Trash-talking just annoys me. I don’t believe in abortion… (sorry… actually, no.. i’m not sorry) If we’re arguing and you ever have the balls to hit me first, I will make sure you don’t have the balls to do it again. However, if I hit you first(which i’ve never done in my life), hit me back… What the hell are you thinking?! You’re just gonna sit there and let me beat your ass???!!! Are you a man or not? hmmm Don’t have any diseases (just in case i ever do get around to doing that with you). You must be able to go to Wal Mart with me, even if it’s just to stand in the hunting/fishing section the whole time I do the shopping. Have a decent job (there shouldn’t be any question about this if you’re plannin on keepin that pretty truck of your’s). I know it’s branded across your little redneck heart, but PLEASE try not to say “Gitterdone” everytime someone says anything. Please don’t dip either (eww). I prefer non-smokers, but this is negotiable since obviously 90% of people in GA are dumb and want cancer. You need to like four-wheelers, mud boggin, kids, obviously trucks, going out occasionally, and the fact that i like t-shirts and jeans. You must own boots; if you don’t own any, I’ll know you’re fakin’.

    ok… well, I think I might be done. Who knows? I could be forgetting something. But, it doesn’t matter, does it because the man I’m looking for (if he does in fact exist) probably doesn’t know how to use a computer. ..so he will never even see this ad. … at least I provided ya’ll with some entertainment for a minute… If you do think you’re this guy, don’t be over 30. Email me, and I’ll reply. People who don’t think you’re this guy but just wanna bitch because I’m too picky. Please don’t email me. That just annoys me, and this is what I’ve wanted since I was 14 years old. Hey, if he’s out there, why shouldn’t I find him?

    I don’t think she’s thought about her fantasy man at all, do you? I mean, it’s not like anyone who responds is going to be compared to an imaginary standard that they’re going to fail to live up to in one way or another.

    What do you think is up with the pink shirt thing? For me, a man secure enough in his masculinity to wear pink is kind of hot.

  • YSaC, Vol. 250: Iw4mW,B III: They start early these days.

    I will begin by saying please since I have posted a picture of myself – w4m – 21

    I will begin by saying please since I have posted a picture of myself if you have not then sorry I am not interested as I will not respond to any inquires unless you have a pic. o now a little something about myself I am a women that just wants to have fun and enjoy life with someone. I enjoy the outdoors expecially in the spring and summer. The beach is where I go to relax nothing better then sitting with someone by the water listening to the waves in the night, along with a nice bottle of wine. I also love going to the pool and relaxing in the sun with a good book and my music playing. I am a sports nut so would like to find someone that enjoys them as much as I do. I a a very a simple women that wants to enjoy life with that special person. I love cuddling on the couch and watching a good movie. I am a very afficated person and would like to find someone that can make me laugh and enjoy having fun. I am very lucky and have 2 wonderful daughter and 3 granddaughters that are very important to me. Not into all that game playing and drama that goes on now a days. I am not looking for someone to take care of me as I can do that for myself. I want someone that is my equal. Loves to laugh so looking if you have a good sense of humour that is great. There are so many thing I have not seen or done would like to find someone to explore all these things with me. Please since I have posted a picture if you have not then sorry I am not interested.

    …. aaaaannnnd, you guessed it — there was no picture posted with the ad.

    Plus, I’m having some math issues: if she’s claiming she’s 21 and has “2 wonderful daughter and 3 granddaughters” …

    Wednesday bonus ad! (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 249: Iw4mW,B II: Aphasia edition

    Very serious, deep-thinker, educated and ready to discuss the – w4m – 21

    Very serious, deep-thinker, educated and ready to discuss the

    I am too! OMG, we’re like very serious, deep-thinking, educated twins! So what do you think about the

    [Sent in by Wendy — thanks!]

  • YSaC, Vol. 248: It’s w4m week, bitches!

    A reminder (and plea), folks: if you think the ad you’re sending me might get flagged for removal, copy and paste the ad into your email! If you can include pictures, even better. Quite a few of the w4m ads that folks sent in disappeared between the time they were sent in and the time I got to them.

    Actually, it’s a good idea all around — when my job/life gets in the way, sometimes I don’t get to look at listings until a couple of days later, and things do disappear off of Craigslist in that time. (Yes, I have to work! Believe it or not, this ad-free site does not support me in the manner to which I desire to become accustomed. I don’t even have a lucrative book contract. I know, I know … there is no justice in this world.)

    Anyway, by the time I got to this one, the ad had been flagged; luckily, Emily had included the text in her email … but sadly, not the picture. Emily’s vivid description helps fill in the mental image, though.

    I want to hear from a romantic man.. – 30

    some words that describe me are witty, sporty, optimistic, and single.
    I am quite sweet, FEMALETRAITS2, FEMALETRAITS3, and FEMALETRAITS4.  I have an hourglass figure, a beautiful face, and a beautiful personality to match!  I am searching for a person who cares what I have to tell them.  Please be sensitive, drama-free and sure of what you are looking for in a woman. If you like what you’ve read then just contactl me and we’ll go from there.

    Emily says, “How could any man pass her up? She’s looking for romance, that’s why she’s wearing eyeliner like a 14-year-old who hasn’t figured out the difference between slutty and sexy. And, don’t forget, she possesses not only FEMALETRAITS2 and FEMALETRAITS3, she’s also surprisingly, refreshingly FEMALETRAITS4. If I were a man, I’d “contactl” her right now.”

    You know, I can never get the database merge function in Word to work either. (I always end up sending things to FIRSTNAME LASTNAME in CITY, ST.) I’d never have thought about failing to use database merge correctly to spam Craigslist with fake w4m ads. I guess that’s why I don’t earn the big bucks — I have a lack of vision on how to fail.

    Edited to add: Since I queued this one up, there have been articles on Reddit (among others) about this very topic … apparently the Database Merge Fail Scenario is exactly what has been happening! If you do a google search for craigslist +femaletrait2, you get a whole pile of results, tons of which point to deleted/flagged Craigslist posts (or those posts aggregated to other sites) from the same stupid spammer.

    I’m very, very amused.