You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 386: If you really loved me, you’d …

    One of a Kind Sideboard – $3000

    Decorator Redecorating!!!!! This is a one of a kind sideboard. Very ornate! It is hand carved with guilted gold, solid marble top is 60″long, 24″wide, 32″ high

    I know exactly what you’re thinking — how does one achieve the decorating nirvana of “guilted gold”?

    Well, we here at YSaC are all about education*, so I’ve done years worth of research into this particular phenomenon and am happy to share it with you.

    The process of guilting something in gold is very laborious. It involves my mother standing over it and saying things like, “Don’t worry about calling me, I know you’re busy” and “No, really, it’s okay that you got married without me there; you’re just my only daughter.”

    Eventually, the guilt builds up in layers. Done properly, the guilted gold shines so brightly that it reflects all of the disappointment on her face. (“All my friends have grandchildren.”) Once it’s completed, the sealing layer is applied (“Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the retirement home in the dark”).

    So you can see what an intensive and soul-crushingly painstaking process guilting gold is. Really, would it kill you to pay $3,000 to keep your mother’s love intact? After all she’s done for you? Selfish ingrates.

    This post was sent in by Lesley — thanks!

    *This may not actually be true.

  • YSaC, Vol. 385: One man’s treasure is another man’s …

    Best Offer Wins this Terrific Box of Goodies!

    Box of stuff for sale! List includes but is not limited to:

    120W Car stereo graphic equalizer thingy
    Casio adding machine with printer (needs ribbon)
    alarm clock
    shampoos/conditioners
    styling mousse
    hand soap
    loofa for that alligator skin you get sometimes, hopefully sometimes!
    random DC power supply
    graphic calculator
    hand sanitizer
    silver jewelry cleaner
    wrapping paper filler
    oil lamp bases
    back brace
    towel
    prevention magazine
    old style motorola carrying case
    flax seed bag opened

    Best offer wins this box of terrific stuff!
    Cash Only

    In order to win this box of gems you need to send me your name, date and time you can pick it up and the amount of your offer. Any questions about the items disqualifies you as I am not trying to sell it. I have better things to do. As far as I know all of the items work. I will delete the ad when the item sells so don’t ask me if it’s still available. I never answer those emails anyway. Good luck! 🙂

    385

    Josie sends this ad in, saying, “This listing is SO funny to me! I can’t decide if I think this person A) cleaned out their car and put everything in a box; B) kicked their significant other out and put his/her stuff in a box; C) needs a quick buck and so grabbed everything in their house that he/she could live without and is now auctioning it off on craigslist…

    “I’d love to know more about it, especially that “graphic calculator”, but would be devastated to be disqualified from this excellent auction. My bid is going to be $0.17 and I’ll pick it up a year from next Tuesday.”

    I’d just like to point out that this ad was posted on July 1; as I’m writing this post, it’s currently July 20th and the ad is still up … so I guess Josie’s bid didn’t get accepted.

    Thanks for the listing, Josie! Better luck next time.

  • YSaC, Vol. 384: What if Veruca Salt used Craigslist?

    If you’re advertising on Craigslist looking for someone’s services, maybe it’s best not to be a jerk about it:

    NEED a Proven tato artist whos great and affordable

    need someone whos not a creep or a phony. willing to pay up to $200 for one tatoo on both arms. this will be permenet obviously, so I want it to be as close to perfection as possible. willing to negotiate price if tatoo artist i super good. email, txt pictures of past personal drawings ( i will make sure you YOURSELF drew them. I wil also check your ID to make sure its you, and body check before you enter my place making sure you dont have shit on you. call me asap. seriously, the first person who calls will get a fair chance. the tatoo will happen at sunrise on the bay. I WANT A MIAMI DOLPHINS LOGO (they are my favorite team, if you have a problem with that then enjoy not making money. I also want a tattoo that reads LEENOY but in Biblical Hebrew text surrounded by some design. If you know, speak, or read hebrew thats a plus. please respond soon. thanks! want ears pierced too. if you have own credit card thing that be awesome, if not well go to to ATM AFTERHAND, I WILL NOT PAY BEFORE IM SATISFIED WITH THE TATTOOS. xxx-xxx-xxxx. if your a joker, ill block ur number

    How can you make sure that someone drew something? Would you say, “Here, draw this again in front of me, so that I knew you drew this”? And I’m not exactly up on the current rates for tattoos, but doesn’t $200 for two tattoos and two piercings seem a little low to you?

    Have you considered all that rontatooman could offer you?

    I need a therapist – w4m – 25

    If you have a degree in psychology or counseling and you are just so sick of getting paid to listen to someone complain and you want to her some one cry for free you should write to me. I was just dumped by my boyfriend after he found out I was sexually assaulted by one of his roommates. His other roommate is my best friend who happens to be dating my attacker and now she wont talk to me either. I recently graduated and can’t find a job. I just put my home on the market and I’ve got no place to go.

    If you’ve got a should that’s longing to be soaked with tears let me know.

    384

    That’s right, if you’re a trained, licensed therapist and you’re sick of getting paid to listen to people complain, why not do it for free?

    (I’m not saying that this person doesn’t need some help — if she was assaulted, she should definitely talk to authorities — but this is probably not the way to go about it. You know, versus free clinics and the like.)

    Possibly even more oddly, this was posted in Strictly Platonic. One wonders what her relationship with other therapists has involved.

    Thanks to Kimberly for the demanding tattoo recipient ad and to Aunty Christ for the therapy ad!

  • YSaC, Vol. 383: A three-hour toeuwer…

    horse moneuwer

    u load ur self

    You know those letters you were trying to save by using u and ur? Yeah, you pretty much made up for it by adding in the random letters in the title.

    I mean, I realize that the word “manure” is obsceuwer, but I asseuwer you that yoeuwer ad will proceuwer more grandeuwer if youeuwer spelling is more mateuwer and less unseuwer.

    Ow. That hurt.

    Thanks to Heidi for the ad!

  • YSaC, Vol. 381: This is the dawning of the …

    2 Aquarians

    Aquarians left behind by renters – free to person willing to pick them up.1 ft. high, 11″x20″

    16″ high, 36″x18″

    Kristy sends in this ad, saying, “I was really hoping for two Capricorns.”

  • YSaC, Vol. 380: 2+2=5.

    2 platnum journy albums – $2000

    I have 2 platnum journy albums I have no use for them, I dont hang them up and they just collect dust,
    I am asking $2000 for one or $5,000 for both. Email me or call for info @ xxx-xxx-xxxx

    380

    Andy submitted this ad, saying, “For some reason this was posted under photo/video. However, since I’m a big fan of journy, I’m going to buy one of them for $2000. Then I will call back right away and buy the second one for $2000, thus saving $1000 relative to if I had bought them both at the same time. Because $5,000 (with a comma, unlike $2000) is a bit much, even for platnum.”

    Rainbow Swing Set – $10000

    King Kong Double Whammy Rainbow Play System. Two king kong swing sets put together to make the ultimate play system for your kids. My husband is relocating for his job and unfortunately the swing set must go. We are willing to sell as one large set, or possible two seperate swing sets for $4,500. There are many forts, a large tunnel, two slides, 3 swings, one disc swing, tire swing, monkey bars, gymnastics bars, and play area for sand. If interested you can call at xxx-xxx-xxxx. More pictures available upon request.

    380a

    As if to prove that a lack of math skills isn’t limited to fans of misspelled bands, Nikki sends this one in, saying, “This person may have a ten thousand dollar playset but they’re lacking some math skills. Buy the entire playset for $10k OR they will split it into two parts for $4,500 each. I’m wondering, can I buy the whole thing in two sets or should I send my husband after the second half? It would save a thousand bucks.”

    I’m hoping the kids weren’t homeschooled.

    Thanks, Andy and Nikki!