YSaC, Vol. 386: If you really loved me, you’d …
One of a Kind Sideboard – $3000
Decorator Redecorating!!!!! This is a one of a kind sideboard. Very ornate! It is hand carved with guilted gold, solid marble top is 60″long, 24″wide, 32″ high
I know exactly what you’re thinking — how does one achieve the decorating nirvana of “guilted gold”?
Well, we here at YSaC are all about education*, so I’ve done years worth of research into this particular phenomenon and am happy to share it with you.
The process of guilting something in gold is very laborious. It involves my mother standing over it and saying things like, “Don’t worry about calling me, I know you’re busy” and “No, really, it’s okay that you got married without me there; you’re just my only daughter.”
Eventually, the guilt builds up in layers. Done properly, the guilted gold shines so brightly that it reflects all of the disappointment on her face. (“All my friends have grandchildren.”) Once it’s completed, the sealing layer is applied (“Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the retirement home in the dark”).
So you can see what an intensive and soul-crushingly painstaking process guilting gold is. Really, would it kill you to pay $3,000 to keep your mother’s love intact? After all she’s done for you? Selfish ingrates.
This post was sent in by Lesley — thanks!
*This may not actually be true.
I guess the person could’ve gone on and on about the table, but then he would have been guilting the lily.
So, in other words, they hired a decorator who took one look at that and said “Who the f#&k are you, the King of Siam?” And yet, we’re supposed to pay $3000 for something a professional deemed too ugly to be seen?
“Who the f#&k are you, the King of Siam?”
hahahahahahahahaha
So early in the day and you already won the comments section. Thanks for that.
Indeed, the phrase “guilting the lilly” will never be the same.
This tacky piece of furniture looks like something you can buy from Design Toscano or something. 😛
Indeed, I’ve seen similar items at Hobby Lobby, too.
Ah! Totally forgot about Hobby Lobby and their crap-tastic furniture!
Y’know, it seems like the furniture at Hobby Lobby really isn’t meant to be used. Maybe because it just seems weird to me to be buying furniture at a craft store.
Hey, I have a nice lamp I got from Hobby Lobby and it doesn’t look like a rococo explosion at all. I think it might be the exception that proves the rule though…
Always seemed odd to buy things that are “complete” at a crafts store–everything else needs a finish, or gluing, or beads, or, look, flamingo decoupage! . . .
Why is it that whenever there’s an asterisk in a post, the note is almost always “This may not actually be true”?
Also, I’m thinking that the fact this sideboard is one of a kind is a very good thing.
Ah. Someone has noticed.
“Happy birthday, mom! This made me think of you.”
“You shouldn’t have. No, I mean it. Get this piece of crap out of here! Who do you think I am, the king of Siam?”
Hmm, apparently mom reads this blog too.
Oh, look! Early Me! 8)
And here, class, we have an example of post-pre-Victorimodern vintage WindRose.
No thanks, I get enough guilt for free.
Guilted gold = That cherub on the front feels bad about something he didn’t even do.
That thing is so bad I kind of love it. You want to put it in a room with a painting over the fireplace of a bad Reubens copy of a plump woman not quite swathed in filmy fabric and framed to match the table, peacock-feather-trimmed furniture, and a wastecan made out of an elephant’s foot, those sort of things.
I was thinking maybe one painting of dogs playing poker, one painting of a sad clown, and a bathing-Venus rain lamp.
I can’t resist noting that Jewish guilted gold is the shiniest.
Catholic guilted gold could give it a run for its money. Look at all those old cathedrals.
Oy! If only it had the time to hang out in the cathedrals.
Catholic guilted gold is actually the most subservient – it shines because it is told to.
A guilted gold table like this one would be ideal for displaying your framed “Passive Aggressive Notes” that your mother/grandmother no doubt sends you on a regular basis 🙂
“I’ll just sit here in the retirement home, in the dark.” FTW….loved it!!
I only buy guiltless gold, I have enough guilt of my own.
Wow, I look…different.
You ever find that guy that killed your father?
Something says that’s 100% Grade A resin under that, er, “guilt”.
In an effort to help actually SELL this ummm, piece of “art/furniture” I suggest more truth in advertising.
Are you a fan of the reality tv series The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Then why not own a table straight form one of their tacky homes?!!! and at only $3K? fuhhhgehdaboudit!
Overheard this morning in the Vatican…
Vatican servant: “Your holiness we found your stolen sideboard for sale on Craigslist”
Pope: “Ahh let it go, that thing was tacky even by our standards…”
your commentary kills me.
and now i’m off to call my mother 😛
Oh my! A friend of a friend left the link to your blog on a facebook comment today. Let me tell you, I am laughing so hard, I am afraid I will wake my 6 month old and fiancee.. I will definitely enjoy going through the rest of your older posts, and look forward to the new ones.
If the decorator is redecorating, perhaps the first decoration wasn’t quite decorative enough?
Any decorator who used that thing should feel guilty.
Ah, Dave!
Life is not always fair
She’s not guilty but who is to care
Why do they always blame it on her
They call her what she isn’t, was never ever
She’ guilty that’s what they say
she’s not guilty but she has to pay
Neither a thief nor a murder
The fate has made her a sufferer
She’s just a prisoner of fate
A victim of curse and hate
She’s not powerful enough to fight the fate
It’s laws are so powerful and great
She’s not ready to repent and cry
she doesn’t want to lose and die
her pride is all that she has got
What’s making it fall she just know not
she doesn’t ask for forgiveness
she asks for mercy and fairness
she’s broken and a part of her is dying
she’s not guilty and so she is crying
I feel guilty for not coming up with something clever to say about the table.
:goes to paint self gold:
Goes to go paint (somebody else’s) house (for free, but it’s a good cause even if I’m broke and could use the $20/hr and all . . .but the Greater Good is always more precious than guilted gold.)
I would spend $3000 on this, but the super creepy figure on the corner looks like it’s about to eat me.
And it doesn’t look guilty about it at all.
The malevolent cherub head mounted in the middle looks eerily like my second grade teacher, Sister GodIsWatchingYou.
I can affirm this is definitely a guilted table.
I think if I put this thing in my apartment, the emotion I would be feeling is “shame,” not “guilt.”
Whoever designed this table listened to Paul Simon too much. Angels in the Architecture, indeed!
I doubt Thod will show up to be in the box all day, so this would be a good time to repaper the walls in there. What patterns would look good?
Lion stripes alternating with guilted gold.
Nacho cheese.
Ooh, with little jalapeno circles randomly scattered about? Maybe use the lion stripes on the rug and upholstery.
guilted gold & minty green
It’s one of a kind guilty.
The maker of this sideboard felt so guilty for making something so creepily ugly, he hung himself. It’s a Judas table.
My Google ad is back, and it’s not very evident what this vendor is selling. When I clicked on it, I found out you can buy gold and silver leaf from this person! Wow! I’m going to guilt ALL the things!
If it was free, I’d take the marble top and burn the rest.
That would make a sweet stand for my cat-o-nine tails that I use on myself for penitence. (And ball gag(and leash(and dog collar)))
Uh, possibly TMI. 8)
GUYS! I just formed a great WoW guilt!
You can find it here!
Oh, and we still haven’t tabled the discussion on our guilt furniture, so make sure to vote on either otterman or armwahr stylings.
I refuse to be guilded into joining WoW.
My computer also refuses to be guilded into running it without crashing.
Calling all Star Trek, Star Wars, and in general Science Fiction Nerds! If you have not seen the movie, Paul, run, do not walk or waste time worrying about what to wear. GO SEE IT!
Also bring one of those counters like the use to count how many people go into Disneyland, and click it every time you recognize anything from another movie. Actors as well as lines, settings, anything. 8) Mine got up to 7,566 before it melted.
Punchity Punch Punch to The Other Todd who never showed up. Well deserved, in any event.
G’Night, HobbyLobby!
Just noticed something about this ad. It claims the marble top is 32″ tall.
Applying my PhotoShop-Fu, this, ah, furniture, is thus 384″ tall. For those who are less used to those sorts of measurements, 384″ is 32′-0″ (975.36cm or 9.7536m),
So, this, ah, furniture, is a ‘side’ for the 10m TV and the seven-story couch!
[furniture corey] A “sideboard” is a serving table adjacent to a dining area, and wants needs be 36″ to 40″ tall, and thermally neutral, not with a stone heatsink top.
Now, a “side table” or “reception table” (which are often found under mirrors) are very apt to be 30-32″ tall. An ornate top material is suitable, too, since the purpose of such tables is to have the fancy bowl into which calling cards are place, and perhaps a bud vase.
[/corey]