YSaC, Vol. 386: If you really loved me, you’d …

2009 August 7

One of a Kind Sideboard – $3000


Decorator Redecorating!!!!! This is a one of a kind sideboard. Very ornate! It is hand carved with guilted gold, solid marble top is 60″long, 24″wide, 32″ high

I know exactly what you’re thinking — how does one achieve the decorating nirvana of “guilted gold”?

Well, we here at YSaC are all about education*, so I’ve done years worth of research into this particular phenomenon and am happy to share it with you.

The process of guilting something in gold is very laborious. It involves my mother standing over it and saying things like, “Don’t worry about calling me, I know you’re busy” and “No, really, it’s okay that you got married without me there; you’re just my only daughter.”

Eventually, the guilt builds up in layers. Done properly, the guilted gold shines so brightly that it reflects all of the disappointment on her face. (“All my friends have grandchildren.”) Once it’s completed, the sealing layer is applied (“Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the retirement home in the dark”).

So you can see what an intensive and soul-crushingly painstaking process guilting gold is. Really, would it kill you to pay $3,000 to keep your mother’s love intact? After all she’s done for you? Selfish ingrates.

This post was sent in by Lesley — thanks!

*This may not actually be true.

54 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 7
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    I guess the person could’ve gone on and on about the table, but then he would have been guilting the lily.

    Adores: 4
  2. 2009 August 7
    Cookieput permalink

    So, in other words, they hired a decorator who took one look at that and said “Who the f#&k are you, the King of Siam?” And yet, we’re supposed to pay $3000 for something a professional deemed too ugly to be seen?

    Adores: 10
    • 2009 August 7
      corn flakes permalink

      โ€œWho the f#&k are you, the King of Siam?โ€

      hahahahahahahahaha
      So early in the day and you already won the comments section. Thanks for that.

      Adores: 0
  3. 2009 August 7
    Sherri permalink

    Indeed, the phrase “guilting the lilly” will never be the same.

    Adores: 0
  4. 2009 August 7
    dogface permalink

    This tacky piece of furniture looks like something you can buy from Design Toscano or something. ๐Ÿ˜›

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 7
      PrincessLuceval permalink

      Indeed, I’ve seen similar items at Hobby Lobby, too.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 August 7
        dogface permalink

        Ah! Totally forgot about Hobby Lobby and their crap-tastic furniture!

        Y’know, it seems like the furniture at Hobby Lobby really isn’t meant to be used. Maybe because it just seems weird to me to be buying furniture at a craft store.

        Adores: 1
        • 2009 August 7
          martain permalink

          Hey, I have a nice lamp I got from Hobby Lobby and it doesn’t look like a rococo explosion at all. I think it might be the exception that proves the rule though…

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 26
          CapnMac permalink

          Always seemed odd to buy things that are “complete” at a crafts store–everything else needs a finish, or gluing, or beads, or, look, flamingo decoupage! . . .

          Adores: 3
  5. 2009 August 7
    jackie31337 permalink

    Why is it that whenever there’s an asterisk in a post, the note is almost always “This may not actually be true”?

    Also, I’m thinking that the fact this sideboard is one of a kind is a very good thing.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 14
      drmk permalink

      Ah. Someone has noticed.

      Adores: 2
  6. 2009 August 7
    Windrose permalink

    “Happy birthday, mom! This made me think of you.”

    “You shouldn’t have. No, I mean it. Get this piece of crap out of here! Who do you think I am, the king of Siam?”

    Hmm, apparently mom reads this blog too.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 March 26
      Windrose permalink

      Oh, look! Early Me! 8)

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 March 26
        Astrognash permalink

        And here, class, we have an example of post-pre-Victorimodern vintage WindRose.

        Adores: 6
  7. 2009 August 7
    Ladycrim permalink

    No thanks, I get enough guilt for free.

    Adores: 1
  8. 2009 August 7
    Lola permalink

    Guilted gold = That cherub on the front feels bad about something he didn’t even do.

    That thing is so bad I kind of love it. You want to put it in a room with a painting over the fireplace of a bad Reubens copy of a plump woman not quite swathed in filmy fabric and framed to match the table, peacock-feather-trimmed furniture, and a wastecan made out of an elephant’s foot, those sort of things.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 March 26

      I was thinking maybe one painting of dogs playing poker, one painting of a sad clown, and a bathing-Venus rain lamp.

      Adores: 3
  9. 2009 August 7

    I can’t resist noting that Jewish guilted gold is the shiniest.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 7

      Catholic guilted gold could give it a run for its money. Look at all those old cathedrals.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 August 8

        Oy! If only it had the time to hang out in the cathedrals.

        Adores: 0
      • 2009 August 9

        Catholic guilted gold is actually the most subservient – it shines because it is told to.

        Adores: 1
  10. 2009 August 7

    A guilted gold table like this one would be ideal for displaying your framed “Passive Aggressive Notes” that your mother/grandmother no doubt sends you on a regular basis ๐Ÿ™‚

    “I’ll just sit here in the retirement home, in the dark.” FTW….loved it!!

    Adores: 0
  11. 2009 August 7

    I only buy guiltless gold, I have enough guilt of my own.

    Adores: 3
  12. 2009 August 7

    Something says that’s 100% Grade A resin under that, er, “guilt”.

    Adores: 0
  13. 2009 August 8
    Someguy permalink

    In an effort to help actually SELL this ummm, piece of “art/furniture” I suggest more truth in advertising.

    Are you a fan of the reality tv series The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Then why not own a table straight form one of their tacky homes?!!! and at only $3K? fuhhhgehdaboudit!

    Adores: 1
  14. 2009 August 8
    Terra Firm-uhhh permalink

    Overheard this morning in the Vatican…

    Vatican servant: “Your holiness we found your stolen sideboard for sale on Craigslist”

    Pope: “Ahh let it go, that thing was tacky even by our standards…”

    Adores: 6
  15. 2009 August 9
    Rebecca_J permalink

    your commentary kills me.
    and now i’m off to call my mother ๐Ÿ˜›

    Adores: 1
  16. 2009 September 16
    Krisbo permalink

    Oh my! A friend of a friend left the link to your blog on a facebook comment today. Let me tell you, I am laughing so hard, I am afraid I will wake my 6 month old and fiancee.. I will definitely enjoy going through the rest of your older posts, and look forward to the new ones.

    Adores: 0
  17. 2010 August 8
    abwh permalink

    If the decorator is redecorating, perhaps the first decoration wasn’t quite decorative enough?

    Adores: 0
  18. 2011 March 26

    Any decorator who used that thing should feel guilty.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 March 26
      CoffDrop permalink

      Ah, Dave!

      Life is not always fair
      Sheโ€™s not guilty but who is to care
      Why do they always blame it on her
      They call her what she isnโ€™t, was never ever
      Sheโ€™ guilty thatโ€™s what they say
      sheโ€™s not guilty but she has to pay
      Neither a thief nor a murder
      The fate has made her a sufferer
      Sheโ€™s just a prisoner of fate
      A victim of curse and hate
      Sheโ€™s not powerful enough to fight the fate
      Itโ€™s laws are so powerful and great
      Sheโ€™s not ready to repent and cry
      she doesnโ€™t want to lose and die
      her pride is all that she has got
      Whatโ€™s making it fall she just know not
      she doesnโ€™t ask for forgiveness
      she asks for mercy and fairness
      sheโ€™s broken and a part of her is dying
      sheโ€™s not guilty and so she is crying

      Adores: 3
  19. 2011 March 26
    ghostcat permalink

    I feel guilty for not coming up with something clever to say about the table.

    :goes to paint self gold:

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 March 26
      CapnMac permalink

      Goes to go paint (somebody else’s) house (for free, but it’s a good cause even if I’m broke and could use the $20/hr and all . . .but the Greater Good is always more precious than guilted gold.)

      Adores: 4
  20. 2011 March 26
    nonsensicalcat permalink

    I would spend $3000 on this, but the super creepy figure on the corner looks like it’s about to eat me.

    And it doesn’t look guilty about it at all.

    Adores: 3
  21. 2011 March 26
    ToBScholarly permalink

    The malevolent cherub head mounted in the middle looks eerily like my second grade teacher, Sister GodIsWatchingYou.

    I can affirm this is definitely a guilted table.

    Adores: 3
  22. 2011 March 26
    Camille permalink

    I think if I put this thing in my apartment, the emotion I would be feeling is “shame,” not “guilt.”

    Adores: 6
  23. 2011 March 26
    Windrose permalink

    Whoever designed this table listened to Paul Simon too much. Angels in the Architecture, indeed!

    Adores: 3
  24. 2011 March 26
    Windrose permalink

    I doubt Thod will show up to be in the box all day, so this would be a good time to repaper the walls in there. What patterns would look good?

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 March 26
      Astrognash permalink

      Lion stripes alternating with guilted gold.

      Adores: 6
    • 2011 March 26
      Camille permalink

      Nacho cheese.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 March 26
        Windrose permalink

        Ooh, with little jalapeno circles randomly scattered about? Maybe use the lion stripes on the rug and upholstery.

        Adores: 2
    • 2011 March 26
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      guilted gold & minty green

      Adores: 2
  25. 2011 March 26
    LimeLolly permalink

    It’s one of a kind guilty.

    The maker of this sideboard felt so guilty for making something so creepily ugly, he hung himself. It’s a Judas table.

    Adores: 5
  26. 2011 March 26
    Windrose permalink

    My Google ad is back, and it’s not very evident what this vendor is selling. When I clicked on it, I found out you can buy gold and silver leaf from this person! Wow! I’m going to guilt ALL the things!

    Adores: 4
  27. 2011 March 26

    If it was free, I’d take the marble top and burn the rest.

    Adores: 1
  28. 2011 March 26

    That would make a sweet stand for my cat-o-nine tails that I use on myself for penitence. (And ball gag(and leash(and dog collar)))

    Adores: 1
  29. 2011 March 26

    GUYS! I just formed a great WoW guilt!

    You can find it here!

    Oh, and we still haven’t tabled the discussion on our guilt furniture, so make sure to vote on either otterman or armwahr stylings.

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 March 26
      Astrognash permalink

      I refuse to be guilded into joining WoW.

      My computer also refuses to be guilded into running it without crashing.

      Adores: 2
  30. 2011 March 27
    Windrose permalink

    Calling all Star Trek, Star Wars, and in general Science Fiction Nerds! If you have not seen the movie, Paul, run, do not walk or waste time worrying about what to wear. GO SEE IT!

    Also bring one of those counters like the use to count how many people go into Disneyland, and click it every time you recognize anything from another movie. Actors as well as lines, settings, anything. 8) Mine got up to 7,566 before it melted.

    Adores: 0
  31. 2011 March 27
    Windrose permalink

    Punchity Punch Punch to The Other Todd who never showed up. Well deserved, in any event.

    G’Night, HobbyLobby!

    Adores: 0
  32. 2011 March 27
    CapnMac permalink

    Just noticed something about this ad. It claims the marble top is 32″ tall.

    Applying my PhotoShop-Fu, this, ah, furniture, is thus 384″ tall. For those who are less used to those sorts of measurements, 384″ is 32′-0″ (975.36cm or 9.7536m),

    So, this, ah, furniture, is a ‘side’ for the 10m TV and the seven-story couch!

    [furniture corey] A “sideboard” is a serving table adjacent to a dining area, and wants needs be 36″ to 40″ tall, and thermally neutral, not with a stone heatsink top.
    Now, a “side table” or “reception table” (which are often found under mirrors) are very apt to be 30-32″ tall. An ornate top material is suitable, too, since the purpose of such tables is to have the fancy bowl into which calling cards are place, and perhaps a bud vase.
    [/corey]

    Adores: 0

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