You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: slimy

  • YSaC, Vol. 1654: Ain’t nothin’ but a guy thang.

    guy thing

    Good one.

    I’m so glad someone has a good guy thing for sale. A good guy thing is hard to find. There’s stiff competition for the biggest ones, and they don’t come around too often.

    Wait, maybe I’m reading this wrong. (In which case, I think I need to take a cold shower.) Maybe it’s a guy THING, not a GUY THING, if you know what I mean. Which I don’t. What kind of THING might a guy want?

    Slightly used fleshlight for sale or trade!

    “Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit” is for sale. I’ve bought it for [amount of foreign currency] 3 months ago but haven’t used it much.
    It’s in great condition! I can trade it with a 500gb or higher capacity external harddisk
    Please only serious guys! Do NOT waste my time!

    *shudder* You know what? Never mind.

    Thanks, Ellen and Maggie!

    DISCLAIMER: If you do not know what a Fleshlight is, do not, under any circumstances, click this link at work.

  • YSaC, Vol. 515: Wanna grow up to be a De Acer.

    I’m sure there are great deals to be found in the Computer section of Craigslist. These, however, are not two of them.

    Sony Vaio laptop,windows xp, wireless,dvd/cdrw,office – $275

    fabulous sony vaio laptop, with windows xp, wireless built in, dvd/cdrw, has office programs, antivirus
    works great , battery lasts close to 3 hours too !!!

    344

    Sony Vaio laptop, you say? Does Sony frequently advertise their products with their competitor’s name emblazoned across the screen? That wouldn’t happen to be a random screenshot you yoinked from a website, would it? No, of course not.

    Or how about this:

    HP 2Ghz Tower & Flat Panel System – $150

    2.0 Ghz Pentium 4, 1GB RAM, 80GB Hard Drive, DVD read, CD read-write drives, matching keyboard and mouse, 15″ LCD flat panel monitor, Windows XP Pro.

    344a

    Michael sent this one in, saying, “Ok, I’m all for trying to make your posting look good, but… when the headline says “Flat Panel System” I expect a flat panel monitor. I don’t even see a flat SCREEN there. It’s not an LCD, it’s a CRT, with a curved surface. I’m not sure if I should flag it for false advertising.. but anyone who will see that picture and think “flat panel” deserves it, I suppose.

    Also, that’s not an HP. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not an HP. If it IS, it’s FAR older than a 2ghz model, more like 200mhz model. And for $150? I can go to walmart and buy a laptop with a dual core Athlon and 3gb of RAM, double the hard drive size, and an actual FLAT PANEL (it’s a laptop after all) for $250. Why…

    My head hurts. Remind me to never look for computer parts on Craigslist again :(”

    I’m going to have to trust Michael’s commentary here, since I’m a Mac girl myself. (Dan is a PC, which means we’re a mixed marriage. We’re raising the cat platform-independently. She can make her mind up by herself when she’s ready.)

  • YSaC, Vol. 463: A different use of the “slimy” tag …

    1959 UNOPEND CRISCO – $25 (GILFORD)

    1959 UNOPEND CAN OF CRISCO VEG.SHORTINING WITH THE TWIST KEY STILL ATTCHED
    ASKING 25.00 OR BEST OFFER. EMAIL INQUIRIES TO CANTFLAMExxxxx@YAHOO.COM

    1959 was a very good year for Crisco. It had an excellent growing season, with not too much rain. This 1959 Crisco is drinking well now, and will continue to age well for the next forty to fifty years. The Shortening Enthusiast gives it a 94. Pairs well with cheese, particularly a 60-year Gouda. Good mouth feel, with a slight slime factor on the first taste that is taken over by the final taste of rancid.

    What is it with people on Craigslist and expired Crisco? At least those people weren’t trying to charge actual money for it.

    Thanks, Matt — I don’t think I’ll be eating anything for a while after seeing that.

  • YSaC, Vol. 410: Unemployment problem solved!

    Stuff Coordinator /part-time job/ $1000 monthly

    Condrea Group is a large European company. We are currently hiring employees in the USA for the position of Stuff Coordinator. This is a part-time job. The schedule of work 1-3 hours per day.

    Duties:

    Forwarding of post parcels to our customers.

    Primary job requirements:

    * Age over 21 years
    * Basic knowledge of the computer
    * Ability to print and scan documents
    * Ability to lift packages weighing up to 40 lbs
    * Accuracy and responsibility

    Send your resume for consideration.

    Sarah sends this listing, saying, “I love stuff! I could totally be a stuff coordinator. I wonder what kind of stuff I’ll be coordinating. I can’t wait to put that title on my new business cards!”

    Best of luck with your new job, Sarah. I’m sure there’s absolutely no chance that this is a scam; after all, you’d have a title and everything! After a few months, they’ll move you up to managing things. After that, who knows? Maybe you’ll become head of widgets, doodads and gizmos. Just remember us little people when you’re a big, important doohickey specialist, okay?

  • YSaC, Vol. 389: But I *paid* someone to write it, so that’s okay.

    Sociology research paper (new orleans)

    I need a thorough research paper, 20 pages, 20 sources.
    if you have it already written i am interested.

    • Location: new orleans
    • Compensation: 300$

    Kris sends this listing in, saying, “Really, dude? You’ve got $300 bucks in spare cash but not enough time to do your own school work?”

    Just for fun, I emailed our budding sociologist to ask some important questions — like, what topic? What university and what class? Sadly, I got no response. His loss. (Actually, since I was planning on turning him in to the professor, it might have been the wise choice on his part.)

    Anyway, I wouldn’t have written Sparky’s sociology paper for him, but it probably wouldn’t have been too hard to find someone who would have:

    Harvard Grad custom writes your term papers-no plagiarizing, ever

    I custom-write your paper on any topic you need. Topic research included in price quote. MLA or APA formatting… email me at Smarts4hire@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com for a fast price quote.

    This ad was submitted by Naomi, who says, “The New Oxford American Dictionary says to plagiarize means to “take (the work or an idea of someone else) and pass it off as one’s own.” Note that I ever so carefully cited my source. So, could someone explain to me how it is possible to have someone else write your term paper and to then turn it in under your own name, but still have “no plagiarizing, ever?”

    Sigh. Stay classy, Harvard. (Says the graduate from a different snooty ivy-covered campus …)

  • YSaC, Vol. 341: Have you tried AFF? They suck too.

    Flying solo is not as much fun – w4w – 21

    Well, this’ll be my last post over here … I’m going to head to clerotic.org if it doesn’t work out.

    I am a 26 year old, single female looking for a friendship that might develop into something more. I am an elementary school teacher and I love children and hope to have some of my own one day. I am looking for a good man with good, Christian morals who would like to have a family and live happily ever after when he meets the right woman. Maybe we are right for each other. We will never know if we don’t take a chance.

    1. Are you 21, or 26?
    2. Headline says w4w, text says you’re looking for a man.
    3. A good Christian man with good morals.
    4. And if you can’t find him, you’re going to try posting on clerotic.org — the “Craigslist Alternative for Erotic Services”.

    That sounds like a great plan. I’m sure you’ll find a good Christian man with good morals with THIS ad … and if not, I’m sure clerotic.org will work out, since there’s only 482 ads in the section for your area, 480 of which are w4m. (The other 2 are m4m.)

    Do you think this might possibly — just maybe? — be a fake ad? (On CRAIGSLIST? Say it ain’t so!) I’m guessing it’s meant to drive traffic to clerotic.org … because, you know, that’s where all the good, moral, Christian elementary school teachers are hanging out these days.

    C’mon, guys. At least make it plausible. “I’m a hot, horny slut and if I can’t find anyone here I’m going to clerotic.org.” THAT’S plausible. (Well, as plausible as believing that a nubile hot young thing would be posting on Craigslist in order to hook up with someone, anyway.) “I’m a good Christian 2nd grade teacher and if this doesn’t work out I’m going to browse clerotic.org from the computer in the school library?” Not so much.

    Sigh. Do I need a tag for spambots, too?

    Thanks to Kiersten for the submission!