You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: translation

  • YSaC, Vol. 468: I would have quoted something off of Version 2.0.

    This is behind a cut because it’s long. And eye-gougingly painful to read. If you are of delicate sensibilities and are offended by inappropriate capitalization and run-on sentences, then — well, then, what the hell are you doing on this blog? But if you are of strong of mind, and think you can withstand the slings and arrows of outrageous grammar, then carry on.
    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 454: Can I leave my asschapeau on?

    AFRICAN FISH – 50 (DREXEL HIL)

    Goood mourning –
    I am seeking an angle to come to my house and bring me two 20 oz wawa coffees with cream and NO sugar. Any apple fritters would be a big plus. A slow soft wet and deep blow job after the coffe followed by spooning untill we both fall asleep would be the perfict ending to our first meeting. Open to long term comitment with right lsdy, but you must have increadable tits to hold on to and a great big ass to use for my pillow. Sound nice? Hit me back with your stats and a pic and tell me how long it will take you to get here, and this may be your dream date come true. Please noone over 5’4″ and keep your wig on.
    Bob

    Andrew sent this ad in with the following commentary/translation:

    “I found this little gem whilst trying to cheer myself up a bit this morning — juxtaposing why I’m single to people who actually deserve to be so.”

    “Our friend Bob here appears to be an diabetic ichthyologist from the Sudan, recovering from the death of a loved one. He apparently needs some coffee, some apple fritters, and oral release to complete his magnum opus on the psychosocial dynamics of the koi pond in his condo in DREXEL HIL(L). Pity, really — the editors at Nature have been calling him for weeks. Do you know an angle with increadable tits for him? The world of science rests on your shoulders. Perfict, thanks. Remember your wig.”

    Andrew, there isn’t a single thing I can add to this, except … how on earth does reading something like this make you feel better about being single? Anyway, I just want you to know that the application of the “still single?” tag is on Bob’s behalf, not yours.

    Edited to add: Apparently this showed up on Date Wrecks a couple of days ago, also submitted by Andrew. Jami, we need to coordinate these things!

  • YSaC, Vol. 395: Fun with midgets, part 2.

    Need Midget To Drink With

    Group of single male/females that party together on a regular basis are seeking a person of short stature (midget) to hang out with. Do not get us wrong…. This is purely for novelty purposes, but if you’re cool you can really be our friend. Total plus if you are an Asian Midget, with a drinking problem, who has no issues being referred to as Godzilla.

    P.S. We will buy all the beer.

    Translation: We’re asshats.

    Topless Poker Dealer

    Looking for one topless female poker dealer for a house cash game on Saturday July 18th, 2009. We are looking for someone who is hot, so if your old and washed up please don’t even bother applying for this gig. We want a hot, 21-32yr old female with a fabulous rack, nice features and a good sense of humor. Im not going to be rude and put a weight limit in this post but you know who are you, so don’t apply. If your not exactly sure how to deal poker its okay as long as your smoking hot with nice tits we can work around that part. It will pay $10 per hour plus tips and free drinks, shots, etc.

    If you are a Midget you will get front of the line consideration even if you don’t want to go topless.

    Please apply via email with a photo and contact info.

    -Brad P.

    Translation: We’re asshats too, but for additional reasons beyond our midget fascination.

    midgit for birthday party

    I am looking for a midgit for Wednesday night July 29th 2009 to appear at [place] in [location]. All drinks will be provided and a minimum of $50 in tips. A party attitude is a must! We are nice people and are just looking to have a good time with you!

    I’m still a little unclear on when having a token midget friend became the the holy grail of hipsterdom. Then again, I’m most definitely not a hipster.

    Thanks, Lindsay O., Tyler, and Josh, for more midget mania!

  • YSaC, Vol. 366: Want to buy a weeder?

    Mow that LAWN – $40

    Lawnboy gas powered , people pushed mower, easy start. Ready to go.
    already started today so if you want to see run, come on over for atest drive and finish my lawn.
    xxx-xxx-xxxx, ‘Cause I will be out side in the sun.

    This man is my new hero. “You want proof that this lawnmower works? Here, mow my lawn for me. See? It works.”

    Or then there’s this type of optimism:

    Aerial Antenna

    Hello,

    I have an old-school antenna attached to the roof of my house that I do not need. I don’t know anything about antennas but it looks like a nice one to me. It’s free for the taking provided you bring your own step ladder (at least 10ft tall I’m thinking) and you promise not to fall off my roof. It’s tricky getting on the roof because you can’t lean a ladder on the gutters as they’ll collapse. Anyhow, if interested, please email me to set up a date and time.

    364

    Sara sends this in, with her translation: “I don’t want to pay someone to remove this antenna, which may or may not work.  So, if you have a 10 foot ladder that can magically levitate so that it doesn’t lean against my crappy gutters, and if you promise to not sue me if you fall and break your neck, you can own this fabulous, possibly functional, ‘old school’ antenna.”

    And, of course, there’s this:

    BROKEN BRICKS

    Have a pile of broken bricks from removing a walkway, need gone ASAP bring a truck you haul away………

    364a

    Matt says, “Here, let me clean up your mess for you.”

    I don’t know what the supply-and-demand chain is like for broken bricks these days, but this was posted in Detroit — it’s possible that someone could take these bricks and build a house that would be worth $6.50. Then again, just about every house in Detroit is worth $6.50.

  • YSaC, Vol. 358: It’s because he’s an ass.

    Sara and khs sent in these two posts separately, but they turn out to tell a beautiful story about a man and his … donkey.

    man needs good home – 31

    my name is josh i just got kicked out of my house me and the old lady just split up i have noware to go and to top that off i am on house arrest 4 child support so all i need is a home phone that house arrest people can call and make shure that i am there.i also need 70 a week to keep up on my child support .i put the ball in your court.i am easy to git along with and love children.so please some body out there you can keep me out of jail and at the very least you would have made a good friend.I would not be posting this add if i had any where elce to go besides jail.i am a good handy man and can do about any thing so please email or hit me up at [spelled out phone number] i have until tonight to git some where i know its a lot to drop on someone but trust me its worth it i know there is some way that i will be able to help u.call and i’ll tell u y they call me donkey waiting by the phone

    thank you

    ps can shave if u don’t like that josh aka[donkey]

    358a

    Translation: I’m a deadbeat dad and I’m looking for someone who will let me live with them for free and pay my back child support for me.

    Somewhat unsurprisingly, this strategy seems not to have worked for our friend “donkey”, as this post appeared a few days later:

    your last chance – 31

    here it is i do not care about looks someone needs a man around the house and i am that man i am strait forward and will tell u if u will git any ,i need a place right now so if you are cool anough i can dio any thing work on cars what ever u need drywall to carprt i am on house aresst just the call in someone call to make shure i am home if any thing you would have made a good friend so i guess hit me up if u need a man or just a dude i will only need a place 4 a month or 2 unless i realy like u witch you will know i am strait forward

    He will tell me if I will “git” any, and if I’m cool enough he’ll do work around the house for me? I’m sorry, donkey, my good friend, but given your current circumstances, I don’t think those decisions are entirely up to you. Now put on that frilly apron that looks so nice with your ankle monitor, and dance for my amusement.

  • YSaC, Vol. 343: These sound like fine young drunken men.

    Private Beach Rental

    Looking for a private beach to rent for a weekend retreat party. Must be noise friendly. Would like to rent from friday – sunday but would consider Sat-Sun. I’m not looking for a “beach house” in a beach town with uptight controlling town council. The property must have its own private beach on the water with sand without close neighbors. I don’t want Old Lady Neighborhood watch with nothing better to do with her remaining 186 days on this earth, Harry Homeowner Association with a piece of coal up his butt trying to make a diamond, or Miserable Husband with judgemental inlaws on another crappy beach vacation with extended families’ bratty kids forced by the wife; calling the 5Os or Rent a Cops on some mid 20-30 somethings having a good time. email for more details.

    Pete sends this in, with a translation: “My drunken frat brothers and I would like to destroy your beach house, but we don’t want to be arrested, clean up, or have anyone know about it until after we leave. Also, Jimbo will be puking in your sink while Johnny D jumps from the roof into what he thought was a swimming pool, and your pants will later be sued off by his estate. If all of the masochistic homeowners wishing this fate upon themselves would form an orderly line to the right, I will be accepting bids shortly.”