You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 318: I steal mufflers — can I still apply?

    Black Widow Milking Specialist

    Well It looks like it’s come to do this Guys, The Goverment has ran out of Guinie pigs

    You should consider this postion if normal people consider you different,
    All people are normal until you get to know them!!

    To my fellow “___________________” professionals. C’mon Admit it,
    Do you want to give up Sign waving, picking up bottles and cans,
    jumping on the light rail without paying. Do you want to give up
    holding out a sign on busy street medians hoping to get hit,
    then suing the driver? Are you tired of telling people you have a job
    when in fact all you do is stealing Catalytic Converters.
    Would you, Should you for good, if you could ?

    If you would like a way to supplement or to totally replace your current
    income, and maybe I could convince you to try something a little different !!

    If you have Ph-d from Kindergarten you might need to contact me
    If You Haven’t found a job, since my last CL ad you need to contact me
    If you are a single-mom or stay-at-home person you might need to contact me
    If you are non-minority or a part of a major minority you might need to contact me
    If you are physically disabled or slightly mentally disabled you might need to contact me
    If you take a shower at the skate board park bathroom sinks you might need to contact me
    If you are under-employed, over-employed, or unhappily employed you might need to contact me
    If you are an non-English speaker or born and raised here and still can’t speak right, you might need to contact me

    Contact me for Date and time on the next hiring seminar.

    [location], Sacramento Ca 95833-3508

    ([directions], North to the Univ Of Phoniex Bldg)

    Bring
    1. A Collared Shirt (women you know what I mean)
    2. Bring no money, you won’t need it
    Ladies and everyone reading this. Minorities, Students, Retired are highly encouraged to attend.
    This is the most Equal OPP you will ever get !!
    xxx-xxx-xxxx (Call me anytime 24 hours)
    xxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com

    Best I can tell from a little googling, the address leads to a school for crane operators. It might have been useful for him to say that. Instead he spends the ad insulting his potential recruits and then misspelling the name of the location. (Maybe one of his pitches should have been, “If you can’t spell University of Phoenix, you might need to contact me.”)

    What does it say about me that every time I see “Equal OPP” the first thing that goes through my head is, “Yeah, you know me!”

    Thanks for sending this one in, Heather!

  • YSaC, Vol. 317: I’d go to see “The Droors”, wouldn’t you?

    Chest of Droors and a big fake Plant

    I put this out after the garbage man came by so it will be there for you. Out in the alley, a white chest of droors, but a couple droors are missing, otherwise, it’s made of real wood. There’s also one of those big fake Ficus Trees you see in almost any North Dallas apartment living room corner.
    [address] …. The street is a cul-de-sac and the house is on the circle.

    I’ll try to delete this as soon as it gets picked up, or if you’re on your way, send me an email and I’ll take the post down. It’s 2:32pm.

    This is my lucky day! A chest of droors with a couple droors missing and a generic fake ficus tree like everyone else in the world has! I’ve hit the suburban-classy decorating motherlode! (Well, okay, I’m still looking for that French Prudential chest of droors — that will be the pièce de résistance.)

    Sarah sent this one in saying, “I am shocked that someone could be so illiterate.” She obviously hasn’t spent a lot of time on this blog yet, so let’s help her feel better — at least it wasn’t chester droors. Nobody could ever make that mistake, right?

    chester droors,9 droor dresser and mirror – $250

    All Medium oak, Great condition, Moving must sell, I live in moore oklahoma my name is MARK give me a call at xxx-xxx-xxxx no emails please
    (A GREAT DEAL AT 250)

    Oh. Never mind. That didn’t exactly make things better, did it?

    I’ll be over in the corner weeping at the demise of the English language if you need me.

  • YSaC, Vol. 316: If she WAS an alien, I’d adopt her, but …

    Rare long haired black chiwawa

    Jackie-o is her name she is going on 6 months old. she is very friendly loving and potty trained. Also knows how it sit. i have been working with her to fetch which she will when not distracted and also been teaching her cry when somthing is wrong. she is not spayed for i did not know if i wanted to do that to her. i was figureing i would give her the choice after her first period.

    (which she has not had yet)

    I am looking for a family home for her. she loves kids and is even great with babies. for she has been around my god daughter who was born three days after jackie. i am asking a rehoming fee for her to know that she will be loved for ever. I wish i could take her with me but i am moving almost three thousand miles away and my house is unfortanly not pet friendly. 🙁 if you have any questions feel free to email me. a recent photo is below how ever i took it with my cell so her eyes look bright,(she is not alien) And like i said before jackie-0 is a rare long haired loving black chi-wa-wa.

    316

    LeAna sends this one in, saying, “First of all, black longhaired chihuahuas are not rare. Second — she was going to let the dog decide whether to be spayed? Oh, and don’t you worry, she’s not an alien, it’s just my crappy cell camera …”
    And … really? Chiwawa? I mean, I realize that chihuahua is sort of difficult to spell, but I think I’m going to have to invoke my “if you can’t spell it, you don’t deserve to own the breed” rule.

  • YSaC, Vol. 315: Measure once, cut twice.

    ketchin and specality cabenits

    Thanks for looking!!! I don’t have a specific cabinet for sale. But I have over 12 years experience in custom cabinets, and would like to talk to you about your cabinet needs. I can offer exultant quality at a very affordable price. No mater how large or small a project you have in mind. Email me for a free estaminet Thank you Joey

    Anyone need a exultant specality cabenit for their ketchin? This guy would like to talk to you about your cabinet needs and provide an estaminet.

    Based on this ad, I think he’ll get the size of the cabinet right three out of four times. The other times, he’ll swap the length and the width measurements.

  • YSaC, Vol. 314: Her name is Rio, and she needs to have huge cans …

    Cover Band Seeks Hot Female Keyboardist w/ Giant Cans!!

    Yup…you read correctly. We are a killer 80’s cover band and if you think you fit…that would be sweet!

    So, maybe I’m crazy, but given that a lot of music from the 80s was primarily synth-based, wouldn’t you be more concerned with whether your keyboard player was competent instead of hot and stacked?

    I mean, the talentless girlfriend has her place in the band, but it’s usually playing tambourine and singing tuneless background vocals into a dead microphone.

    Thanks to Lisa for sending this in!

  • YSaC, Vol. 313: Then again, Fergie is probably a spawn of Satan as well.

    FREE FEMALE BLACK LAB

    WE HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD FEMALE BLACK LAB “FERGIE” THAT WE WOULD LIKE TO FIND A GREAT HOME. WE GOT HER BECAUSE FRIENDS HOUSE BURNT DOWN AND SHE WAS DISPLACED AND THEY NEEDED TO GET HER A HOME. SHE IS SUPER SWEET AND HATE TO GET RID OF HER BUT SHE HAS STARTED KILLING OUR NEIGHBORS AS WELL AS OUR CHICKENS. WE HATE TO KEEP HER IN A PEN ALL THE TIME. SHE WEIGHS ABOUT 80 POUNDS AND LOVES TO SIT IN YOUR LAP, SHE IS GREAT WITH CHILDREN. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HER PLEASE CALL STEPHANIE AT 843-xxx-xxxx.

    This dog sounds a bit problematic. First she burnt down your friend’s house (I’m conjecturing there, but it seems like a reasonable conclusion to me), and now she’s killing your neighbors and your chickens? And yet, you say she’s good with children? (As long as the children don’t taste like chicken, I’m assuming.)

    I think I’d have to rename this dog Cerberus.

    Thanks for sending this in, Katie!