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YSaC, Vol. 318: I steal mufflers — can I still apply?

Written by

drmk

in

Black Widow Milking Specialist

Well It looks like it’s come to do this Guys, The Goverment has ran out of Guinie pigs

You should consider this postion if normal people consider you different,
All people are normal until you get to know them!!

To my fellow “___________________” professionals. C’mon Admit it,
Do you want to give up Sign waving, picking up bottles and cans,
jumping on the light rail without paying. Do you want to give up
holding out a sign on busy street medians hoping to get hit,
then suing the driver? Are you tired of telling people you have a job
when in fact all you do is stealing Catalytic Converters.
Would you, Should you for good, if you could ?

If you would like a way to supplement or to totally replace your current
income, and maybe I could convince you to try something a little different !!

If you have Ph-d from Kindergarten you might need to contact me
If You Haven’t found a job, since my last CL ad you need to contact me
If you are a single-mom or stay-at-home person you might need to contact me
If you are non-minority or a part of a major minority you might need to contact me
If you are physically disabled or slightly mentally disabled you might need to contact me
If you take a shower at the skate board park bathroom sinks you might need to contact me
If you are under-employed, over-employed, or unhappily employed you might need to contact me
If you are an non-English speaker or born and raised here and still can’t speak right, you might need to contact me

Contact me for Date and time on the next hiring seminar.

[location], Sacramento Ca 95833-3508

([directions], North to the Univ Of Phoniex Bldg)

Bring
1. A Collared Shirt (women you know what I mean)
2. Bring no money, you won’t need it
Ladies and everyone reading this. Minorities, Students, Retired are highly encouraged to attend.
This is the most Equal OPP you will ever get !!
xxx-xxx-xxxx (Call me anytime 24 hours)
xxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com

Best I can tell from a little googling, the address leads to a school for crane operators. It might have been useful for him to say that. Instead he spends the ad insulting his potential recruits and then misspelling the name of the location. (Maybe one of his pitches should have been, “If you can’t spell University of Phoenix, you might need to contact me.”)

What does it say about me that every time I see “Equal OPP” the first thing that goes through my head is, “Yeah, you know me!”

Thanks for sending this one in, Heather!

Comments

44 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 318: I steal mufflers — can I still apply?”

  1. brian t Avatar
    brian t

    The title says “Black Widow Milking Specialist”, so should I presume that’s what it is? The venom of Black Widows is commercially valuable, and milking them is a job. Dunno what it pays, though.

  2. Bald Outing Avatar
    Bald Outing

    wow that is the strangest ad ever!

  3. Sarah Avatar
    Sarah

    Wait, so the job is operating cranes and NOT milking black widows? I’m no longer interested.

    1. fpelayo Avatar
      fpelayo

      While there is an old crane called Black Widow:

      http://trainzforums.com/index.php?topic=1248.0

      … I don’t think it looks milkable. 😛

      1. CapnMac Avatar
        CapnMac

        Unless “milkable” is meant in the financial sense, as in “milking” a cash cow.

        There’s a similar term, “feather bedding” for when a short-duration task is priced out to a much longer time period, and in a way that several of those tasks cannot be bundled together in the one billing time unit.

        So, each 5 or 10 minute task requires an hour to complete, even if five or six such tasks are in the given project/contract. Which means the contract could have 5 or 6 required billable hours, yet only 50 or 60 minutes of actual labor. So, the employes could take their break on a feather bed if they wanted.

        I’m cynical, so, I’m guessing Sparkie has found some equipment with a “history” of workplace injuries. And, thus, putative employees could go volunteer to work on this equipment expecting to gain some minor injury, which could them be “milked” into Disability checks by way of a beleaguered Risk Management/HR staff.

  4. Alecia Avatar
    Alecia

    What does he mean by “Bring A Collared Shirt (women you know what I mean)”? Is he assuming that men know nothing about clothing? Even if someone had never heard of a collared shirt before, I’m very certain that they could figure out what it is by the name. It’s a shirt with a collar!

  5. Amy H. Avatar
    Amy H.

    I was getting the strangest “Dr. Seuss after a four day bender” vibe from this ad… “Would you, Should you for good, if you could?”

  6. kristen55 Avatar
    kristen55

    I’m so disappointed, I thought it was a job AS a ‘goverment guinie pig’, and I’ve always wanted to do that – especially if it involved milking spiders!

  7. MoxieHart Avatar
    MoxieHart

    Spider nipples!

  8. brashieel Avatar
    brashieel

    I get what he was trying to convey. “Wouldn’t you like a real job? I can help!” Pretty basic stuff, actually.
    That being said, some clue that he’s offering training for heavy machinery operation might be helpful. As it is my first reaction was that this was one of the crazier Ponzi scheme pitches I’d ever read.

  9. Count Blah Avatar
    Count Blah

    I wonder if this guy is baffled by the lack of response to his rambling, incoherent, almost totally information-free ad.

  10. Princess Carly Avatar
    Princess Carly

    “I’ve got nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?”

  11. corn flakes Avatar
    corn flakes

    my kindergarden didnt offer PhD’s.
    Damn you public schools!!!
    Now i’ll never operate spiders or milk cranes or whatever.

  12. corn flakes Avatar
    corn flakes

    I just saw the title. Now all i can think about is the episode of Family guy where Lois was stealing mufflers.

  13. Brian Avatar
    Brian

    “If you are non-minority or a part of a major minority you might need to contact me”

    “major” minority? I’m assuming they mean a large minority like Hispanic or Black….but i’ve never heard that term before.

    so he only wants non-minorities (ie whites) and major minorities (ie hispanic)… so minor minorities are out? I guess that sentence really translates to “no native americans or Eskimos” ?

  14. unfortunate names Avatar
    unfortunate names

    wtf wtf wtf

  15. yello.cape.cod Avatar
    yello.cape.cod

    I have to be honest–I thought this ad was obliquely looking for hookers for the ad-placer to pimp out. Not sure how I reached that conclusion other than its extreme vagueness.

  16. Juliet Avatar
    Juliet

    The Kindergarten PhD was my favourite part of this ad. Just think – instead of going on to grade 1, I could have gotten my Kindergarten Masters and then my Kindergarten PhD!

  17. Dray Avatar
    Dray

    …okay, am I the only one who thinks of Jeff Foxworthy, with the ‘If you…’ list?

    That is certainly a baffling post.

    I’d rather milk black widows than operate a crane, honestly.

    1. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
      Dave and Ferret Tribe

      Sparky shifted mid-ad from being a Dr. Seuss wannabee to being a Jeff Foxworthy wannabee.

  18. Alice Avatar
    Alice

    If I’m a non-English speaker, how am I reading his post in the first place?!

  19. Smedley Avatar
    Smedley

    He just wants people to come to Opp, Alabama for the annual
    Rattlesnake Rodeo.
    http://www.rattlesnakerodeo.com/rr/

    They have fried gator.

    1. LimeLolly Avatar
      LimeLolly

      Fried gator… yum.

  20. Smedley Avatar
    Smedley

    It’s spelled “Genie Pigs”.

  21. LimeLolly Avatar
    LimeLolly

    Ph-d from Kindergarten

    I has it.

    1. Smedley Avatar
      Smedley

      And I haz jellies.

    2. kelli Avatar
      kelli

      I never got my PhD from kindergarten. I failed napping.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        Dang, napping was my best subject! Still is. 8) I had a little blanket with fluffy clouds and sleeping baby angels all over it.

    3. CapnMac Avatar
      CapnMac

      Ph-d from Kindergarten

      That sounds like something cleaned from lockers or cubbies at the end of the academic year . . .

      Now, if only we had a regular with experience teaching urchins of this age cohort . . .

  22. ToBScholarly Avatar
    ToBScholarly

    If you are non-minority or a part of a major minority you might need to contact me.

    What if you are the major model of a major modern general?

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      You might want to contact him.

      But as you are intelligent and have good hygiene, maybe not.

    2. Angel Avatar
      Angel

      Well, ToB, then you’ve got information vegetable, animal, and mineral, and thus you should have your Ph.D in milking black widows already!

  23. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Here’s how my mind translated this, with only three sips of coffee to go on:

    Black Widow Spiders plus holding out a sign on busy street medians hoping to get hit plus slightly mentally disabled equals a job that is life threatening so they have to keep hiring more Widow Wranglers.

  24. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Taco, back in the box. Dave and Ferret Tribe did the safety tests on the playground equipment. I haven’t seen them since that, but no worries. I also resisted the urge to correct two typos in your winning comment, because no one would believe it was really your post if everything was speelt krectlee.

    1. TacoMagic Avatar
      TacoMagic

      Tahnks four leving it as is!

      1. Astrognash Avatar
        Astrognash

        You spelled “ass” wrong.

  25. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    I like cheese and I like chocolate but not at the same time, should I contact Sparky? I am a woman (or at least I was the last time I checked), so I know that a collared shirt is a shirt that has been arrested and I am willing to bring one as long as I don’t have to actually wear it. I don’t think I can bring no money because I only have yes money.

    1. ghostcat Avatar
      ghostcat

      I only have good-bye money. Every payday it’s “Good-bye, money!”

  26. Angel Avatar
    Angel

    I’ve got it.

    Sparky will be giving a class in how to fleece the widows of rich men. Widows who have had several husbands die under, shall we say, “suspicious” circumstances.

  27. Sister Lyle Avatar
    Sister Lyle

    Spur quickly combed his toupee with anxious fingers. This was it; it was time to sell the job. He tugged on the hem on his collared shirt in a last minute attempt to compose himself before his act began. Ready, Spur stared at the camera. The camera stared back. The cameraman was making some sort of gesticulation behind the giant, black device. Spur frowned. Was he on?

    “Are we on?” he whispered. “We’re on? Now? Oh!” Clearing his throat, Spur grinned inanely at the camera and raised his voice.

    “Ladies, and mental-unstable gentlemen! Hello and salutations to you the street-sign waiving hippies of the new world! I’m Spur Sturgeon and have I got a job offer for you!”

    Spur sashayed across the stage, flinging his arms wide. The camera panned back to reveal a large construction crane.

    “Are you an overweight, under-achieving woman who thinks her Pomeranian is her baby? Then you should call Spur’s Skyscraper Academy!” Spur smiled winningly.

    “Are you a bald transvestite with bad taste in wigs? Call Spur’s Skyscraper Academy and we’ll teach you new skills that will help you land that job you’ve always wanted.” The camera zoomed in on Spur once more. He walked across the stage to the far end and sat on the edge of a pointless desk.

    “Now, how much do you think you would pay for these classes? 20 bucks a class? 30? What if I tell you all you would pay was 10 easy payments of $19.95? Wait, don’t answer! If you call now to enroll in my program, I’ll also include five collared shirts.”

    Spur shifted slightly and adopted a look that was supposed to be thoughtful but came off more along the lines of constipated. “But Spur, I hear you say, I’m happy hopping the turn-style at the subway. But Spur, I have my own bathroom stall at the skate park. But Spur, I’m afraid of heights.”

    Spur shook his head and chuckled. “Fear not! With my two week course, I’ll make you forget about all those hangups that have been preventing you from finding a rewarding career in crane operation. Just 10 easy payments of $29.99! Plus I’ll throw in those 2 collared shirts and a pack of Red Vine licorice. Just call my toll-free-free number 555-DUMB. Operators are waiting by to take your call. Mention this add and I’ll throw in a pair of Chilean Fire Ants for free!”

    The direction waved cut and Spur relaxed. Perfection!

  28. CapnMac Avatar
    CapnMac

    Hmm, “Equal OPP”?

    Orleans Parish Prison? Organo-Phosphate Poisoning?

    A really long list “here”

    1. Astrognash Avatar
      Astrognash

      Orange Pecil Peppers.

      **nods**

  29. nonsensicalcat Avatar
    nonsensicalcat

    I always flavor my coffee slices with black widow milk. It gives them that extra kick that I so desperately need in the morning.

  30. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Taco, here’s yet another further different Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Reading Railroad!

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