YSaC, Vol. 314: Her name is Rio, and she needs to have huge cans …

2009 May 27

Cover Band Seeks Hot Female Keyboardist w/ Giant Cans!!


Yup…you read correctly. We are a killer 80’s cover band and if you think you fit…that would be sweet!

So, maybe I’m crazy, but given that a lot of music from the 80s was primarily synth-based, wouldn’t you be more concerned with whether your keyboard player was competent instead of hot and stacked?

I mean, the talentless girlfriend has her place in the band, but it’s usually playing tambourine and singing tuneless background vocals into a dead microphone.

Thanks to Lisa for sending this in!

46 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 May 27

    Perhaps they want someone like the chicks in the Robert Palmer videos. Just sway (your giant cans) and PRETEND like you’re playing the keyboard.

    Adores: 3
  2. 2009 May 27
    Jules permalink

    I just happen to BE a female keyboardist/vocalist with not “giant” but pretty nice sized “CANS”. Unfortunately–I’m already in a band and had my band advertised like this-I can guarantee you I wouldn’t have auditioned! I’m sure my “cans” add something great to the band but I’d like to think it’s my musical talent that’s really important 🙂 Sadly, I’m not at all surprised by this type of ad though–it’s all about image-or so my agent says. 🙂

    Adores: 3
  3. 2009 May 27
    DrugserBad permalink

    As soon as I saw 80s cover band I stopped reading…

    Adores: 1
  4. 2009 May 27

    This is expecting too much: a keyboard player who can also play large cans. Are they adding a STOMP piece to their repertoire?

    Adores: 15
    • 2009 May 27
      Lola permalink

      “keyboard player who can also play large cans”

      I’m now cleaning snorted club soda off of the computer screen, thank you!

      Adores: 1
  5. 2009 May 27

    Well, yeah, but I mean… madeyalook, didn’t they?

    Adores: 0
  6. 2009 May 28

    hmm i have some tomato sauce cans from Sams Club!

    Adores: 4
  7. 2009 May 28

    hey it worked for them when they advertised ‘bass player with huge package’ last year

    Adores: 7
  8. 2009 June 20
    Sabrina permalink

    one of my favourite bands has a hot lady keyboardist, and they have an eighties-ish sound…

    this sounds like something the lead singer would post, or would have posted looking for her.

    Adores: 0
  9. 2009 July 8

    And that ladies and gentlemen is why I am embarrassed to have grown up in the 80s.

    Adores: 3
  10. 2009 July 28
    A commenter permalink

    What’s really sad about this: “cans” is slang for the female ass, not the mammary region. They want a female keyboardist with a huge butt.

    Adores: 4
  11. 2009 August 25
    UpNort permalink

    A commenter:

    “Can” is slang for butt, “cans”, plural is slang for a woman’s chest.

    Adores: 2
  12. 2011 May 15

    Do the giant cans need to contain anything? I have two empty economy sized Van Camp’s pork ‘n beans cans. They’re big enough for a grown man to stick his head inside.

    Adores: 16
    • 2011 May 15
      Windrose permalink

      So, kelli, how long have you been sticking giant, empty cans over men’s heads? Interesting hobby, by the way.

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 May 15

        Actually Windy, I am referring to the infamous Second City funeral skit.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 15
          Windrose permalink

          D’oh! I need to brush up on my Canadian comedy!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 15

          Actually Chicago comedy, Second City Improv is kind of a big thing. *cough* Belushi *cough*

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 15

          30 Helens agree…

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 15
          Windrose permalink

          Sigh. Why did I think they were a Canadian creation? I’ll just go read Wikipedia for a while.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 15
      Angel permalink

      I’ve got some giant 7-pound green bean cans; maybe you and I should start a steel drum band, Kelli.

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 May 15

        Beans, beans the musical fruit…

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 15
          Angel permalink

          I give my dog half green beans/half kibble for his supper. They’re low in calories and full of fiber so they keep his hounddoggy shape in shape. But oh my, yes Hammy, they produce some melodious doogy toots, and if I decide to serve haricot verts with dinner I get accused of serving dogbeans (all one word.)

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 15

          We feed our dogs green beans too. (Frozen, they love them)

          Warning, do NOT feed your dog Brussels sprouts!

          Adores: 2
  13. 2011 May 15
    LimeLolly permalink

    Listen up, Buster Poindexter. Who do you think is going to apply for this Motley Crüe? You need to be careful that some Twisted Sister or Violent Femmes aren’t waiting to rip your Lipps, Inc off your face due to your ill-advised Talk, Talk
    Now, I’m sure you’re Ready for the World but I highly suggest that you KISS my Depeche Mode or I’ll be standing in line to put you in Dire Straitswith my big STYX! That’ll be a Cure you won’t soon forget. You’ve got ‘Til Tuesday to rewrite this ad. Remember, women with The Hooters are not a Cheap Trick!!

    Adores: 19
  14. 2011 May 15

    Awesome, I’m in!

    Now all I need is big hair…

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 May 15
      Windrose permalink

      Wear a puppy on your head. 8)

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 May 15

        You can hold the puppy in place with a glittery hairband.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 15
          Angel permalink

          Be careful; A Flock of Seagulls may be attracted to the glitter.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 15

          And if it becomes unmanageable, I suggest Haircut One Hundred. It may be enough for the bouncer to finally let you into the Culture Club

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 May 15
      LimeLolly permalink

      You’re gonna need a lot of hairspray.

      *contacts broker to buy stocks of Aquanet*

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 15
      Angel permalink

      I LOVED Haircut One Hundred!

      *wanders off happily humming Love Plus One to herself *

      Adores: 2
  15. 2011 May 15

    [matt] I think you guys are reading this all wrong – the operative word is “killer”. This is obviously an ’80s cover band/ serial killer society that is looking to recruit a new member who has big garbage cans, which would come in handy when disposing of bodies. Best not to ask what happened to the old keyboardist.[/matt]

    Adores: 8
  16. 2011 May 15
    Windrose permalink

    Missed Connections: I auditioned for your keyboardist opening in your 80’s band. You were the drummer with the David Bowie in Labyrinth hair. I could tell by the way you were fondling your sticks that you were impressed with my giant cans. I didn’t get the job, but I would like to hook up. Call me!

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 May 15
      SisterLyle permalink

      Cans, magic cans…

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 May 15

        Is the magic of the cans proportionate to the size of the cans? If so, I might finally fulfill the requirements to be a king in Xanth.

        Adores: 3
  17. 2011 May 15
    LimeLolly permalink

    Thanks, drmk. Just because Barry Manilow is a valid form of torture under the Geneva Convention…..I mean, thanks. 8)

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 May 15
      Addicted Reader permalink

      1. I’m getting a Duran Duran earworm. Is that any better?

      2. The other day I had a crazy mix of “Copacabana” and “Star Wars Cantina” in my head. Fun times.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 May 15

        I keep hearing, “her name is Rio and she dances in the can” which is nearly identical yet has a completely different meaning than the original song and I keep wondering if Rio has an exceptionally large bathroom, makes only small dance moves, or is constantly hitting the shower, sink, mirror, tub, and / or toilet and now I realize I spent more time analyzing this than I did analyzing the video portion of my French final which I did pass despite freaking out on the writing part.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 15
          LimeLolly permalink

          Okay… I get it now… drmk was referencing Duran Duran… but I was hearing Copacabana. That saying about dancing to your own beat?

          I does it.

          Adores: 3
  18. 2011 May 15

    Also, I was in the box, yay!

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 May 15
      LimeLolly permalink

      Well deserved too… guess that happens when you get a chance to rest and recoup your snark. 🙂

      Adores: 2
  19. 2011 May 16
    Windrose permalink

    kelli, I am so glad you noticed you were in the box. 8) Happy Punchity Punch Punch.

    G’Night, Urban Cowboys!

    Adores: 2

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