You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. CXIV

    Half eaten bowl of fruity pebbles.

    I just poured a bowl of fruity pebbles and I got half-way through and I was full, I hat to throw them out with todays high milk and food costs so the first person here gets them.
    They’re still crispy and the milk is still cold so get ’em fast

    No thanks, I’ve just lost my appetite. It looks like a clown car threw up in the bowl. And that looks like a pretty big bowl of cereal for a “half eaten” bowl. I think I’d need a snorkel and flippers just to get to the other side of the bowl.

  • YSaC, Vol. CXIII

    VERY UNIQUE Edgy Original Painting – $999

    “Friction” 36×48″ High quality acrylics on deep-edge canvas, suitable for framing but not necessary.

    This large-scale, modern work belongs in your home.

    Email me for a larger image of the piece.

    I’m the artist and I’ll deliver within 75 miles of [location].
    xxx xxx-xxxx

    Okay, I’m not objecting to the quality of the painting itself. I actually kind of like it. The ladies’ fingers are kind of freaking me out — their hands look like E.T. met a skeleton — but that’s okay. At least the hands match the anorexic bodies. But that’s okay too.

    I don’t get the title: Friction. Okay, the woman on the right is holding her purse and she’s upset about something. Maybe she’s upset that her spaghetti strap keeps falling down. Maybe she’s upset that she just dropped her appletini in her lap and now she has to pay for another one. Maybe she’s upset that the parrot that’s just off-picture has more lovely plumage than she does. Maybe she’s upset that her companion has fallen asleep at the bar. But that’s okay too; in fact, it may even enhance the work, since everyone can create their own backstory to the image. That’s actually kind of cool.

    I’m actually objecting to the assertion that this work belongs in my home. You, artist, have no idea what belongs in my home. It wouldn’t go with the French Prudential furniture I’ve been so carefully collecting. Or with my lovely vintage loveseat. And it would really clash with my beautiful and expensive lion and giraffe wall hangings.

    No, dear artist, unless my house is decorated in late-century depressed-and-angry-barfly, I would disagree that this “belongs” in my home.

    You should try this person — they were changing decorating themes. Maybe they’re going for inexplicable bar-based art. They seem like they’re willing to pay too much for things, too, so they won’t even notice your clever pricing that’s hiding the fact that $999 is almost $1000.

  • YSaC, Vol. CXII

    Pygmy Goats!

    We have 5 pygmy goats up for sale!

    We would ask that two of them stay together seeing as they have been together for the last 4 years! One is a whether and the other a female! Please contact me for specific info on these two! ( Only serious inquires please)

    The other three are mother with two daughters! Daughters were born around memorial day! Very cute one is brown and the other white! Mom is brown and white! Would prefer to see these girls go to a home together if possible! we are asking $100 each so $300 for all 3 of them! Want to see them go to a good home! They all have their horns but are very friendly! No ones ever been butted by them! The mama is a little on the big side for a pygmy! Please contact me if interested! Again Only serious inquires please! We are setting the price firm right now for these three! we are interested in trading for other livestock or something else if we feel its right for us so don’t be shy to make offers for trades but the price is firm for now! thanks for your interest and I can send pics to those who are interested!

    Goats! Goats! GOATS! We’ve got goats! Five goats! But! We! Will! Only! Sell! Them! In! Sets! Sets of goats! They’re brown! And white! They’re brown and white! They’re goats! They’re giant pygmy goats!

    Based on this, I’d be worried the goats might be a little excitable. Maybe whoever takes the goats can offer the sellers an alternative form of punctuation.

    *Full disclosure: I added in three exclamation marks to the original post; the others were all there to begin with. I’m sure they just forgot them in their goat-induced frenzy.

  • YSaC, Vol. CXI

    Retro Farrah Fawcett Pillow – $12

    Retro Farrah Fawcett pillow. 1976. Includes signiature. Clean and in great shape. Measures 8 x 14. Will only increasein value.

    There is absolutely nothing you can do to convince me that a Farrah Fawcett pillow from 1976 (a) is worth $12, and (b) will increase in value over time.

    It’s a 32-year old pillow. I don’t even want to think about it. *shudders* I think I need to take a shower now.

  • YSaC, Vol. CX

    DINASOR BOOKS GOING CHEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – $150

    COLLECTION OF ROURKE CHILDREN DINO BOOKS GOING CHEAP. ALMOST DIRT CHEAP. CALL xxx-xxx-xxxx

    You mean this set of “Dinasor” books, which you can get new from the publisher for $113.70? (That’s not exactly “dirt cheap” either, but $150 is definitely less dirt cheap.) Not to mention that you don’t actually specify how many of the books you have available, just that you have a “collection” of them.

    But really … “dinasor”? Really? Let’s assume that you have the books in front of you. Here’s the cover of one of the books:

    Sure, I can see how you’d get “Dinasor” out of the properly spelled word on the front cover of each book of the series.

  • YSaC, Vol. CIX

    Books wanted… – $10

    What do you have? What do you need?

    Those are pretty existential questions, but I’m relatively certain that I would never answer either of them with, “Disembodied and possibly photoshopped goats.”